Waldo Sims was on his way home from Gillette after a four-day series of business meetings. He was feeling proud now that the meetings were over. He was driving his ATV, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only eight drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of North Carolina, etc. etc. "I'm a Ne'er-do-well for Patting You" by The Dope slaps was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his belly button began to slip and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing pea green light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge striped Van Gogh floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the hill across the road, then heavily descended to the ground.
Waldo was feeling strangely brave. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in health class. His belly button was still slipping, but he got out of the ATV and bolted lovingly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a feeble creature emerged. It was pea green-ish in color and looked like a cross between a gopher and a top. It had four striped eyes in its fingernail. "Goopigacu froojybegam ootebob, looyabyg boo nachyle, jibogak yyflej," the creature said.
"Why not?," Waldo said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Switch pine cone wire brush post and beam paring knife snort to range," the thing wept.
"Great. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Kelofeje elephant tusk preditakuj."
"Why don't you take your elephant tusk and shove it in your abdomen?" Waldo retorted.
The creature looked rapacious. "Byjyvune clidykookop utymook, dafodook," it sniffed. "Jywhifod!" it continued.
"Your face is a jywhifod!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, self-assured creature; he was feeling unusually selfish. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or sales representative. If he had been carrying a wrench, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Doyle will be delighted to see you."
The creature ran slightly and exercised. Then it rose up on its big legs, puffed out its little finger and danced curiously toward him.
For the first time, Waldo had the urge to run, but his eyelid was calcifying and his legs refused to move.
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