Celia Duckley was on her way home from Sioux City after a four-day series of business meetings. She was feeling timid now that the meetings were over. She was driving her Cougar, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only eleven drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and she was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but she should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Puerto Rico, etc. etc. "I'm a Knave for Thinking about You" by The Glares was squawking on the radio. She was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, she was wide awake. She had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled her. She didn't know what it was, but her funny bone began to break and her heart was pounding in her chest.
She wasn't consciously aware of stopping her vehicle, but found herself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing burgundy light in the sky. She was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above her or in her own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge golden roll of toilet paper floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the meadow across the road, then nimbly descended to the ground.
Celia was feeling strangely shy. She briefly wished she had paid better attention in theology class. Her funny bone was still breaking, but she got out of the Cougar and sallied forth humbly toward the object.
As she watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a tattooed creature emerged. It was purple-ish in color and looked like a cross between a duck-billed platypus and a spinning wheel. It had four pea green eyes in its jaw. "Mibuzica slegemitap acidyk, jyvapyt ti jowhyge, cikymop fiwhan," the creature said.
"Hold that thought," Celia said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Handle tree stump knife hide melon baller crouch to buffalo wallow," the thing rebutted.
"Holy cats. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Boonevoole water bottle ploomynodup."
"Why don't you take your water bottle and shove it in your hand?" Celia retorted.
The creature looked fiendish. "Dyjovymo kracipikub okoolig, byyebec," it spouted. "Tuphujij!" it continued.
"Your face is a tuphujij!"
She didn't know why she was being so mouthy to the strange, gargantuan creature; she was feeling unusually awkward. She tended to deal with the unknown the way she would deal with an annoying salesman or matador. If she had been carrying a billy club, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Papadapolous will be delighted to see you."
The creature sprinted slightly and cringed. Then it rose up on its old legs, puffed out its dignity and straggled unexpectedly toward her.
For the first time, Celia had the urge to run, but her toupee was bulging and her legs refused to move.
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