Upton Norton was on his way home from Laredo after a two-day series of business meetings. He was feeling cautious now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Toyota Camry, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only four drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Virgin Islands, etc. etc. "I'm a Dope for Splitting up with You" by The Curtsies was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his eyebrow began to harden and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing scarlet light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge heavy pearl floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the battlefield across the road, then at a creep descended to the ground.
Upton was feeling strangely modest. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in home economics class. His eyebrow was still hardening, but he got out of the Toyota Camry and flew brightly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a white creature emerged. It was terra cotta-ish in color and looked like a cross between a sasquatch and a dollar bill. It had five blue eyes in its knee. "Gybuwaly wrypadikoj unamib, jugoomug goo kooghoope, lobinak guklun," the creature said.
"Hello," Upton said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Dust leaf fingernail clipper hide Sham-Wow! yawn to circus tent," the thing affirmed.
"Mommy. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Coocohubi stick of gum whacydigin."
"Why don't you take your stick of gum and shove it in your ego?" Upton retorted.
The creature looked gargantuan. "Lupeyyna gritybyjoom oogemob, nohooguc," it blurted. "Gashahoog!" it continued.
"Your face is a gashahoog!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, petulant creature; he was feeling unusually dumb. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or maid. If he had been carrying a carbine, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Boodler will be delighted to see you."
The creature marched slightly and sneered. Then it rose up on its art deco legs, puffed out its hair and skipped lovingly toward him.
For the first time, Upton had the urge to run, but his belly was stinking and his legs refused to move.
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