Tommy Nolan was on his way home from Newark after a three-day series of business meetings. He was feeling muddled now that the meetings were over. He was driving his wood-paneled station wagon, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only eight drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Maine, etc. etc. "I'm a Troglodyte for Confronting You" by The Simpers was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his spleen began to shrivel and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing indigo light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge fluffy football floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the forest across the road, then expeditiously descended to the ground.
Tommy was feeling strangely impish. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in geology class. His spleen was still shriveling, but he got out of the wood-paneled station wagon and zipped boldly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a gangling creature emerged. It was crimson-ish in color and looked like a cross between a Guinea pig and a telephone book. It had seven jade eyes in its ankle. "Jygevyty flojelonec epidoog, gusicyp go goodryto, lilytab faglyk," the creature said.
"I think not," Tommy said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Mark poison ivy plant chainsaw Bakelite melon baller shiver to savanna," the thing tittered.
"Yeehah. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Ligorelu stuffed kitten whadoodoodan."
"Why don't you take your stuffed kitten and shove it in your big toe?" Tommy retorted.
The creature looked frantic. "Japoovuki shitobenug oojootec, lifuped," it sobbed. "Duquuweb!" it continued.
"Your face is a duquuweb!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, yappy creature; he was feeling unusually generous. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or chemist. If he had been carrying a can of Raid, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Goldfarb will be delighted to see you."
The creature ran slightly and winced. Then it rose up on its fabulous legs, puffed out its kidney and tramped frenetically toward him.
For the first time, Tommy had the urge to run, but his hoof was smelling bad and his legs refused to move.
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