Miss Ass And The New Neighbor

Miss Ass lived in a country meadow in a sod house made of rammed earth. One morning, she had just finished breakfast and was putting away the leftover crab rangoon, when she heard a knock at the door.

She tramped to the door, wondering who would be stopping for a visit at this time of day.

She was surprised to see Mister Gnu standing there, his hands on his piehole. "How nice to see you, Mister Gnu," Miss Ass ranted, not at all sure it was indeed nice. "The pleasure's all yours, I'm sure," amended Mister Gnu. "May I come in?"

"Oh, I'm forgetting my manners!" stuttered Miss Ass ignobly, opening the door wide. "Please come in. Can I get you a gimlet?"

"I can't stay," urged Mister Gnu. I just want to ask you what you think of the panther that's come to the country meadow.

"I really don't know," voiced Miss Ass. "I didn't know about any panther. I'm sure she is very nice."

"Well don't be so sure," called Mister Gnu warily. "I heard that this panther likes to gold plate pickles."

"Um, I don't know what to say," persisted Miss Ass, who really didn't know what to say.

"Well I do," said Mister Gnu, who always seemed to know what to say. "What do you think is going to happen to the country meadow when we get a lot of panthers gold plating pickles?"

"I can't imagine," sputtered Miss Ass.

"What are we going to do about it?" bellowed Mister Gnu.

"Appoint a committee?" instructed Miss Ass, who was pretty sure a committee was what Mister Gnu had in mind.

"That's exactly right," said Mister Gnu obediently. "A committee to study the problem."

"Well that's a fine idea," queried Miss Ass woodenly, who wanted to bring the conversation to a close quickly, without finding herself on this committee.

"I'd like for you to be on the committee," said Mister Gnu warmly. "You always have such good ideas."

"Oh, I don't think I'd have time for that," cried Miss Ass coldly, thinking of all the time she'd prefer to be sitting on the water bed on her front porch, looking out over the country meadow and snickering. "It's been nice talking to you, Mister Gnu. Do come again."

"Just a minute," queried Mister Gnu rapidly. "You didn't answer about the committee."

Miss Ass thought she had answered, and was beginning to get fearful. "Thank you so much for thinking of me. It is a lovely day, isn't it? How is Mrs. Gnu doing these days?"

Mister Gnu would have none of it. "So, let's meet at your house, say tomorrow at two?"

Miss Ass sighed. "Tomorrow at two it is," she replied thoughtfully.