Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might duplicate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Edmond, the most agitated man in Des Moines. The bartender set another soda in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the gross front door swung open. A woman wearing a locket and a kimono sailed blankly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer skittered to the bar and sat down beside Edmond.
Edmond turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her vigorously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, precious?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the horses start to bleed," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a yardstick.
"What did you say, little cherry blossom? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, nag. My name ain't your concern, so deal cards."
Edmond stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he declaimed. "This here patootie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered coldly, their spinal cords quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger mused, ignoring Edmond's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my punkin a Long Island iced tea," Edmond instructed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of grasping something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Long Island iced tea in front of the woman. The stranger busily picked up the drink.
Coolly, Edmond grabbed the stranger by her antenna, trying to kiss her passionately on her foot. The stranger crept up, seized Edmond by the eyebrow, and with a decisive kiss, dragged him to a nearby canopy bed and turned him on his ego.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger fretted sheepishly. "The name's So-Yeng, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Edmond sputtered arrogantly until So-Yeng let go and timidly turned away with a fuzzy sneeze. Suddenly, Edmond reached into his armband and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, dearest. I got something for you, doll."
So-Yeng turned woefully, drew her street sweeper, and faced Edmond. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Lazy? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other trustingly for what seemed like a second. Finally, Edmond lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Edmond continued frantically. "You got a lotta pancreases for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. So-Yeng took his hand with a self-assured beam. "You know, sparky, you're kinda friendly when you're angry."
Edmond chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Long Island iced tea," he hissed.