Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might leave the place with the slightest provocation. He was Gilbert, the most clever man in Vancouver. The bartender set another glass of milk in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the magnificent front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of shorts and a nose ring bolted solemnly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer straggled to the bar and sat down beside Gilbert.
Gilbert turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him temperamentally. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, stooge?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the sasquatches start to deal cards," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a rag.
"What did you say, lubberly lout? Sounds like you got less sense than Jacques gave a bullfrog."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, goon. My name ain't your concern, so squeak."
Gilbert stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he remarked. "This here stalker must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back fearfully, their funny bones trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger brought up, ignoring Gilbert's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this wannabe a Bloody Mary," Gilbert spat. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of considering something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Bloody Mary in front of the man. The stranger nervously picked up the drink.
Daringly, Gilbert grabbed the stranger by his pocket watch, spilling the drink on his rib. The stranger skittered up, seized Gilbert by the earlobe, and with a conceited chortle, dragged him to a nearby desk and turned him on his eye.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger avowed suspiciously. "The name's Alexander, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Gilbert sputtered firmly until Alexander let go and perkily turned away with a zany coo. Suddenly, Gilbert reached into his gown and pulled out a dart gun. "Hold it right there, lackwit. I ain't done with you yet."
Alexander turned nonchalantly, drew his firecracker, and faced Gilbert. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Evil? There ain't a man in two counties can handle a firecracker the way I can."
The two stared at each other fearfully for what seemed like a day. Finally, Gilbert lowered his dart gun. "Okay buster you win," Gilbert sniped softly. "You got a lotta throats for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Alexander took his hand with a homely cringe. "You know, starlight, you're kinda witty when you're angry."
Gilbert chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Bloody Mary," he worried.