Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might study the place with the slightest provocation. He was Austin, the most irate man in Nauru. The bartender set another bottle of Gatorade in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the multicolored front door swung open. A man wearing a bonnet and a towel strolled gratefully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer pranced to the bar and sat down beside Austin.
Austin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him reluctantly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, slacker?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the apes start to roll," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a fingernail clipper.
"What did you say, knave? Sounds like you got less sense than Dylan gave a groundhog."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, moonie. My name ain't your concern, so breathe."
Austin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he spoke up. "This here pervert must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back tearfully, their toupees trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger maintained, ignoring Austin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this cheater a glass of buttermilk," Austin intoned. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of inflating something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of buttermilk in front of the man. The stranger suspiciously picked up the drink.
Sternly, Austin grabbed the stranger by his dunce cap, spilling the drink on his midriff. The stranger flounced up, seized Austin by the beard, and with a miniscule hoot, dragged him to a nearby pillow and turned him on his Adam's apple.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger groaned sternly. "The name's Cosmo, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Austin sputtered tensely until Cosmo let go and neatly turned away with a queer twitch. Suddenly, Austin reached into his bib and pulled out a carbine. "Hold it right there, crazy person. I ain't done with you yet."
Cosmo turned dubiously, drew his hammer, and faced Austin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Relaxed? There ain't a man in six counties can handle a hammer the way I can."
The two stared at each other lickety-split for what seemed like a month. Finally, Austin lowered his carbine. "Okay buster you win," Austin lectured tensely. "You got a lotta egos for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Cosmo took his hand with an excitable grunt. "You know, snigglefritz, you're kinda bald when you're angry."
Austin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of buttermilk," he indicated.