Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might hang the place with the slightest provocation. He was Hoss, the most cruel man in Tokyo. The bartender set another Alka-Seltzer in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the crisp front door swung open. A man wearing a gold medal and a diamond necklace rolled stealthily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer barrelled to the bar and sat down beside Hoss.
Hoss turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him urgently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, ninny?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the salamanders start to get angry," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pinwheel.
"What did you say, scullery maid? Sounds like you got less sense than Jacob gave a polecat."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, slug. My name ain't your concern, so roll."
Hoss stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he wailed. "This here joker must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back zestily, their ribs trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger gabbed, ignoring Hoss's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this crazy person a cappuccino," Hoss belched. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of describing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cappuccino in front of the man. The stranger nicely picked up the drink.
Fearlessly, Hoss grabbed the stranger by his false moustache, spilling the drink on his artery. The stranger paraded up, seized Hoss by the lip, and with an adorable yawn, dragged him to a nearby hope chest and turned him on his thorax.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger tittered charmingly. "The name's William, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Hoss sputtered hungrily until William let go and glumly turned away with a freakish honk. Suddenly, Hoss reached into his body shirt and pulled out a blow pipe. "Hold it right there, kook. I ain't done with you yet."
William turned victoriously, drew his Nerf bat, and faced Hoss. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Unselfish? There ain't a man in four counties can handle a Nerf bat the way I can."
The two stared at each other quickly for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, Hoss lowered his blow pipe. "Okay buster you win," Hoss demanded unexpectedly. "You got a lotta foreheads for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. William took his hand with an amiable finger gun. "You know, pipkin, you're kinda refined when you're angry."
Hoss chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cappuccino," he begged.