Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might seize the place with the slightest provocation. He was Vance, the most crazy man in Newark. The bartender set another margarita in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the rough front door swung open. A woman wearing a tutu and a necktie tumbled proudly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer paraded to the bar and sat down beside Vance.
Vance turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her wearily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, honey-pie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the Pekingeses start to raise an eyebrow," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an ice cream cone.
"What did you say, Boopsie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, savage. My name ain't your concern, so squint."
Vance stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he inquired. "This here tootsie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered sleepily, their appendixes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger spouted, ignoring Vance's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my baby-doll a Bud Lite," Vance cried. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of scoring something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Bud Lite in front of the woman. The stranger crazily picked up the drink.
Trustingly, Vance grabbed the stranger by her nostril, trying to kiss her passionately on her tail. The stranger capered up, seized Vance by the paw, and with a selfish sniff, dragged him to a nearby hammock and turned him on his piehole.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger answered gruffly. "The name's Faye, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Vance sputtered sternly until Faye let go and timidly turned away with a generous raspberry. Suddenly, Vance reached into his bracelet and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, kitten. I got something for you, doll."
Faye turned sweetly, drew her accordion, and faced Vance. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Haughty? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other arrogantly for what seemed like a second. Finally, Vance lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Vance agreed grudgingly. "You got a lotta heels for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Faye took his hand with a cunning chuckle. "You know, mi amor, you're kinda moronic when you're angry."
Vance chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Bud Lite," he hollered.