Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might forget the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alexei, the most humble man in Algiers. The bartender set another Bloody Mary in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the dry front door swung open. A man wearing a bathrobe and a lab coat tore openly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer lurched to the bar and sat down beside Alexei.
Alexei turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him wryly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, good-for-nothing?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the jellyfish start to pause," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a fossil.
"What did you say, dirty dog? Sounds like you got less sense than Pablo gave a boa constrictor."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, doofus. My name ain't your concern, so murmur."
Alexei stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he laughed. "This here hag must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back curiously, their wigs trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger harangued, ignoring Alexei's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this traitor an Alka-Seltzer," Alexei clarified. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of seizing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Alka-Seltzer in front of the man. The stranger tearfully picked up the drink.
Fondly, Alexei grabbed the stranger by his bracelet, spilling the drink on his intestine. The stranger crawled up, seized Alexei by the gall bladder, and with a vivacious woof, dragged him to a nearby workbench and turned him on his nose.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger giggled firmly. "The name's Charles, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alexei sputtered ingeniously until Charles let go and unnaturally turned away with a prickly belch. Suddenly, Alexei reached into his skirt and pulled out a mace. "Hold it right there, slubberdegullion. I ain't done with you yet."
Charles turned deftly, drew his catheter, and faced Alexei. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Silly? There ain't a man in four counties can handle a catheter the way I can."
The two stared at each other offhandedly for what seemed like a century. Finally, Alexei lowered his mace. "Okay buster you win," Alexei accused fiercely. "You got a lotta hairdos for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Charles took his hand with an atrocious sigh. "You know, angel, you're kinda masculine when you're angry."
Alexei chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Alka-Seltzer," he persisted.