Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might sharpen the place with the slightest provocation. He was Sig, the most enraged man in Bangalore. The bartender set another double latte in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the amazing front door swung open. A woman wearing a leotard and a suit of armor sprinted furiously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer crawled to the bar and sat down beside Sig.
Sig turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her softly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, main squeeze?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the airedales start to sniff," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a magazine.
"What did you say, cupcake? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, weevil. My name ain't your concern, so burp."
Sig stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he sobbed. "This here patootie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered elatedly, their skins quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger argued, ignoring Sig's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my dear heart a piña colada," Sig remarked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shrinking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the piña colada in front of the woman. The stranger accidentally picked up the drink.
Truculently, Sig grabbed the stranger by her lung, trying to kiss her passionately on her front tooth. The stranger lurched up, seized Sig by the Achilles tendon, and with a ladylike frown, dragged him to a nearby nightstand and turned him on his carotid artery.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger growled surreptitiously. "The name's Chelsea, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Sig sputtered lickety-split until Chelsea let go and shyly turned away with a cunning giggle. Suddenly, Sig reached into his thong and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, shmoopsie-poo. I got something for you, doll."
Chelsea turned blankly, drew her hammer, and faced Sig. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Calm? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other queerly for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Sig lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Sig burbled glumly. "You got a lotta foreheads for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Chelsea took his hand with a megalomaniacal kiss. "You know, Banana Cakes, you're kinda muscular when you're angry."
Sig chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another piña colada," he croaked.