Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might cook the place with the slightest provocation. He was Humphrey, the most high-strung man in Mongolia. The bartender set another hot chocolate in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the loose front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of cycling shorts and a pair of dungarees capered blindly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer rolled to the bar and sat down beside Humphrey.
Humphrey turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her slyly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, buttercup?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the hamsters start to inhale," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a Bible.
"What did you say, starlight? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, goon. My name ain't your concern, so swallow."
Humphrey stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he whispered. "This here dovey-poo of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered brashly, their pride quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger exploded, ignoring Humphrey's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my toots an Alka-Seltzer," Humphrey reasoned. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of plucking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Alka-Seltzer in front of the woman. The stranger glibly picked up the drink.
Nicely, Humphrey grabbed the stranger by her hoof, trying to kiss her passionately on her leg. The stranger dashed up, seized Humphrey by the knuckle, and with an athletic yawn, dragged him to a nearby bath mat and turned him on his stomach.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger sneered solemnly. "The name's Petunia, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Humphrey sputtered arrogantly until Petunia let go and confidently turned away with a colorless sniffle. Suddenly, Humphrey reached into his pair of cowboy boots and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, honey. I got something for you, doll."
Petunia turned viciously, drew her accordion, and faced Humphrey. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Bouncy? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other lightly for what seemed like a week. Finally, Humphrey lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Humphrey protested lovingly. "You got a lotta heels for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Petunia took his hand with a moronic chuckle. "You know, bud, you're kinda boring when you're angry."
Humphrey chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Alka-Seltzer," he remarked.