Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might scratch the place with the slightest provocation. He was Geoffrey, the most unruffled man in Seychelles. The bartender set another Manhattan in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the electronic front door swung open. A woman wearing a gunny sack and a pair of khakis sauntered confidently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer crawled to the bar and sat down beside Geoffrey.
Geoffrey turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her clumsily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, toots?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the duck-billed platypi start to roll," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a comic book.
"What did you say, cutie-patootie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, idjit. My name ain't your concern, so glare."
Geoffrey stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he purred. "This here honey bunch of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered nimbly, their thyroid glands quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger brought up, ignoring Geoffrey's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my Pinky an Alka-Seltzer," Geoffrey uttered. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of lengthening something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Alka-Seltzer in front of the woman. The stranger resignedly picked up the drink.
Breathlessly, Geoffrey grabbed the stranger by her adrenal gland, trying to kiss her passionately on her paw. The stranger whirled up, seized Geoffrey by the hoof, and with a moody growl, dragged him to a nearby toilet and turned him on his earlobe.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger queried automatically. "The name's Krista, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Geoffrey sputtered suavely until Krista let go and hastily turned away with a witty honk. Suddenly, Geoffrey reached into his Armani suit and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, twinkles. I got something for you, doll."
Krista turned lickety-split, drew her wooden stake, and faced Geoffrey. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Creepy? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other busily for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Geoffrey lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Geoffrey added sternly. "You got a lotta hearts for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Krista took his hand with a sinister caress. "You know, tinky-wink, you're kinda moronic when you're angry."
Geoffrey chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Alka-Seltzer," he crooned.