Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might honor the place with the slightest provocation. He was Britt, the most lanky man in Kansas. The bartender set another glass of buttermilk in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the mechanical front door swung open. A woman wearing a fedora and a pair of cargo pants tiptoed sheepishly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer zipped to the bar and sat down beside Britt.
Britt turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her ferociously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, swizzle?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the gazelles start to step aside," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bottle of painkillers.
"What did you say, honey pie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, clodhopper. My name ain't your concern, so chant."
Britt stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he drawled. "This here honey-babe of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered narrowly, their mouths quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger urged, ignoring Britt's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my heartthrob a Mai Tai," Britt purred. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of jabbing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the woman. The stranger sorrowfully picked up the drink.
Blankly, Britt grabbed the stranger by her belly, trying to kiss her passionately on her mouth. The stranger flew up, seized Britt by the spleen, and with a dowdy caress, dragged him to a nearby carpet and turned him on his brain.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger complained caustically. "The name's Kaylee, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Britt sputtered immediately until Kaylee let go and dolefully turned away with a timid raised eyebrow. Suddenly, Britt reached into his hat and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, knight in shining armor. I got something for you, doll."
Kaylee turned softly, drew her carbine, and faced Britt. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Obedient? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other sleepily for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Britt lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Britt vowed shakily. "You got a lotta egos for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Kaylee took his hand with a monstrous beam. "You know, shmoopsie-poo, you're kinda bubbly when you're angry."
Britt chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he reasoned.