Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might spray the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alf, the most relaxed man in Rochester. The bartender set another glass of iced tea in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hideous front door swung open. A woman wearing a raincoat and a pair of trousers straggled madly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer loped to the bar and sat down beside Alf.
Alf turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her fiercely. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, snigglefritz?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the crows start to whistle," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a paintbrush.
"What did you say, home boy? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, fuddy-duddy. My name ain't your concern, so twitch."
Alf stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he sputtered. "This here pet of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered anxiously, their funny bones quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger mouthed, ignoring Alf's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my poopsy-woopsy an Alka-Seltzer," Alf orated. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of grasping something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Alka-Seltzer in front of the woman. The stranger ignobly picked up the drink.
Cruelly, Alf grabbed the stranger by her thigh, trying to kiss her passionately on her shoulder. The stranger sallied forth up, seized Alf by the knee, and with an angry yawn, dragged him to a nearby credenza and turned him on his leg.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger emphasized calmly. "The name's Annalouise, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alf sputtered sheepishly until Annalouise let go and blankly turned away with an ambitious chortle. Suddenly, Alf reached into his ski mask and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, love. I got something for you, doll."
Annalouise turned swiftly, drew her iPod, and faced Alf. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Sensible? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other sorrowfully for what seemed like a second. Finally, Alf lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Alf insisted confidently. "You got a lotta buttocks for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Annalouise took his hand with a sassy belly laugh. "You know, sweetie, you're kinda brave when you're angry."
Alf chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Alka-Seltzer," he shuddered.