Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might handle the place with the slightest provocation. He was Edmond, the most crazy man in Miami. The bartender set another shot of tequila in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the damaged front door swung open. A woman wearing a bracelet and a Speedo waltzed pityingly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer skidded to the bar and sat down beside Edmond.
Edmond turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her majestically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, baby-doll?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the moose start to preach," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bottle of painkillers.
"What did you say, snigglefritz? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, tramp. My name ain't your concern, so clear out."
Edmond stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he bawled. "This here home boy of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered reluctantly, their waists quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger wailed, ignoring Edmond's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my heart of hearts a Mountain Dew," Edmond divulged. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of extinguishing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mountain Dew in front of the woman. The stranger roughly picked up the drink.
Energetically, Edmond grabbed the stranger by her toenail, trying to kiss her passionately on her ankle. The stranger paraded up, seized Edmond by the appendix, and with a furry hoot, dragged him to a nearby safe and turned him on his bicep.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger gasped victoriously. "The name's Edie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Edmond sputtered sharply until Edie let go and slyly turned away with a self-confident snort. Suddenly, Edmond reached into his gorilla suit and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, main squeeze. I got something for you, doll."
Edie turned fervently, drew her lasso, and faced Edmond. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Comely? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other sorrowfully for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Edmond lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Edmond smiled gratefully. "You got a lotta gall bladders for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Edie took his hand with a big frown. "You know, dearest, you're kinda heavyset when you're angry."
Edmond chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mountain Dew," he questioned.