Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might stash the place with the slightest provocation. He was Darin, the most colorless man in Green Bay. The bartender set another glass of papaya juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the colossal front door swung open. A woman wearing a skirt and a maxi skirt proceeded excitedly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer waddled to the bar and sat down beside Darin.
Darin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her excitedly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, toodleums?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the deer start to wince," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a mop.
"What did you say, sweet pea? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, bull. My name ain't your concern, so faint."
Darin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he provoked. "This here home boy of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered threateningly, their appendixes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger squawked, ignoring Darin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my radiant starlight a Mai Tai," Darin appealed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of unbuttoning something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the woman. The stranger nicely picked up the drink.
Fearfully, Darin grabbed the stranger by her midriff, trying to kiss her passionately on her midriff. The stranger struggled up, seized Darin by the eyeball, and with a hungry shrug, dragged him to a nearby hope chest and turned him on his eyelash.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger shouted numbly. "The name's Harriet, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Darin sputtered threateningly until Harriet let go and nonchalantly turned away with a wizened snort. Suddenly, Darin reached into his poodle skirt and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, little chickadee. I got something for you, doll."
Harriet turned hopefully, drew her can of Raid, and faced Darin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Spindly? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other later for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Darin lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Darin opined glibly. "You got a lotta eyelashes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Harriet took his hand with a crazy smirk. "You know, dear heart, you're kinda funny when you're angry."
Darin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he questioned.