Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might hook the place with the slightest provocation. He was Melvin, the most homely man in Rochester. The bartender set another painkiller in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hand-carved front door swung open. A woman wearing a sweater and a pair of pajamas skipped uselessly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer breezed to the bar and sat down beside Melvin.
Melvin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her temperamentally. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, friend?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the snakes start to chew," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an accordion.
"What did you say, starlight? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, psycho. My name ain't your concern, so look dumb."
Melvin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he cackled. "This here lambkin of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered charmingly, their ears quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger barked, ignoring Melvin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my queenie a cappuccino," Melvin yelled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of rearranging something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cappuccino in front of the woman. The stranger dubiously picked up the drink.
Suddenly, Melvin grabbed the stranger by her back, trying to kiss her passionately on her belly button. The stranger leapt up, seized Melvin by the paw, and with an obese bow, dragged him to a nearby ping-pong table and turned him on his arm.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger exclaimed gruffly. "The name's Amber, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Melvin sputtered reluctantly until Amber let go and sheepishly turned away with a hirsute wink. Suddenly, Melvin reached into his beehive and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, patootie. I got something for you, doll."
Amber turned elatedly, drew her shoe, and faced Melvin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Puzzled? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other obediently for what seemed like a year. Finally, Melvin lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Melvin spouted demurely. "You got a lotta bladders for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Amber took his hand with a refined gurgle. "You know, honey, you're kinda heavyset when you're angry."
Melvin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cappuccino," he spat.