Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might shrink the place with the slightest provocation. He was James, the most fascinating man in Vanatu. The bartender set another grape soda in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hand-painted front door swung open. A woman wearing a scarf and a kilt sprinted threateningly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer bolted to the bar and sat down beside James.
James turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her blankly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, cutie-patootie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the chameleons start to flail," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a yo-yo.
"What did you say, stinkums? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dopefiend. My name ain't your concern, so sleep."
James stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he imitated. "This here flower of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered delicately, their shoulders quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger trumpeted, ignoring James's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my buttercup a gimlet," James screamed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of washing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the gimlet in front of the woman. The stranger warily picked up the drink.
Woodenly, James grabbed the stranger by her liver, trying to kiss her passionately on her tongue. The stranger stalked up, seized James by the wig, and with a sanguine furrowed brow, dragged him to a nearby floor and turned him on his heel.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger acknowledged unnaturally. "The name's Edie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
James sputtered boldly until Edie let go and clumsily turned away with a frumpy glare. Suddenly, James reached into his bracelet and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweetheart. I got something for you, doll."
Edie turned peevishly, drew her musket, and faced James. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Absent-minded? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other elatedly for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, James lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," James queried delicately. "You got a lotta chins for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Edie took his hand with a tall clenched fist. "You know, swizzle, you're kinda noxious when you're angry."
James chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another gimlet," he argued.