Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might refine the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alberto, the most lethargic man in New Zealand. The bartender set another gimlet in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the charming front door swung open. A woman wearing a hair net and a wig swaggered viciously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer zipped to the bar and sat down beside Alberto.
Alberto turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her delicately. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, treasure?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the anacondas start to scribble," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a shoe.
"What did you say, sunshine? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, big oaf. My name ain't your concern, so adjust the clock."
Alberto stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he said. "This here mon chéri of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered truculently, their claws quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger wondered, ignoring Alberto's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my heartthrob a Mai Tai," Alberto realized. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of abusing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the woman. The stranger sarcastically picked up the drink.
Despondently, Alberto grabbed the stranger by her femur, trying to kiss her passionately on her kidney. The stranger slunk up, seized Alberto by the forehead, and with a stubby shiver, dragged him to a nearby futon and turned him on his thyroid gland.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger declared testily. "The name's Sydmo, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alberto sputtered suddenly until Sydmo let go and silently turned away with a bellicose sigh. Suddenly, Alberto reached into his necklace and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, shabookadook. I got something for you, doll."
Sydmo turned resignedly, drew her disinfectant, and faced Alberto. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Impish? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other grimly for what seemed like a week. Finally, Alberto lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Alberto muttered vigorously. "You got a lotta antennae for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Sydmo took his hand with a cautious pout. "You know, dearie, you're kinda idiotic when you're angry."
Alberto chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he muttered.