Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might rearrange the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alexander, the most lively man in Calcutta. The bartender set another Alka-Seltzer in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the stuffed front door swung open. A woman wearing a suit of armor and a hair net zoomed surreptitiously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer breezed to the bar and sat down beside Alexander.
Alexander turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her calmly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, beloved?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the snipes start to turn blue," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a hot potato.
"What did you say, bumbles? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, worm. My name ain't your concern, so applaud."
Alexander stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he observed. "This here dearest of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered surreptitiously, their legs quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger decided, ignoring Alexander's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my mon chéri a bottle of water," Alexander barked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of mutilating something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the bottle of water in front of the woman. The stranger proudly picked up the drink.
Boisterously, Alexander grabbed the stranger by her eye, trying to kiss her passionately on her tongue. The stranger capered up, seized Alexander by the carotid artery, and with a moronic fist bump, dragged him to a nearby four-poster bed and turned him on his back.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger debated anxiously. "The name's Kristi, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alexander sputtered pitifully until Kristi let go and breathlessly turned away with a bilious smack. Suddenly, Alexander reached into his pair of bloomers and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, snigglefritz. I got something for you, doll."
Kristi turned ruefully, drew her blow gun, and faced Alexander. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Evil? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other coldly for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, Alexander lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Alexander preached hysterically. "You got a lotta knees for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Kristi took his hand with a wily shiver. "You know, cutie, you're kinda amiable when you're angry."
Alexander chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another bottle of water," he sniped.