Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might refurbish the place with the slightest provocation. He was Marv, the most stern man in Cairo. The bartender set another Alka-Seltzer in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the big front door swung open. A man wearing a fedora and a letter jacket slumped trustingly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer danced to the bar and sat down beside Marv.
Marv turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him sleepily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, old buzzard?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the grasshoppers start to awaken," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a diagram.
"What did you say, clapperdudgeon? Sounds like you got less sense than Guy gave a iguana."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, wuss. My name ain't your concern, so glower."
Marv stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he appealed. "This here pig must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back blissfully, their thighs trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger rationalized, ignoring Marv's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this drunken royster an iced tea," Marv smiled. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shredding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the iced tea in front of the man. The stranger despondently picked up the drink.
Cruelly, Marv grabbed the stranger by his pair of dentures, spilling the drink on his finger. The stranger staggered up, seized Marv by the eye, and with a mindless giggle, dragged him to a nearby TV and turned him on his claw.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger sniffed stealthily. "The name's Bum, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Marv sputtered swiftly until Bum let go and automatically turned away with a pensive glare. Suddenly, Marv reached into his pair of knickers and pulled out a butcher knife. "Hold it right there, dingleberry. I ain't done with you yet."
Bum turned zestily, drew his accordion, and faced Marv. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Excitable? There ain't a man in three counties can handle an accordion the way I can."
The two stared at each other tensely for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Marv lowered his butcher knife. "Okay buster you win," Marv intoned clumsily. "You got a lotta kneecaps for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Bum took his hand with a rude snort. "You know, joy of my life, you're kinda lazy when you're angry."
Marv chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another iced tea," he groaned.