Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might package the place with the slightest provocation. He was Chuck, the most atrocious man in Colorado. The bartender set another glass of grape juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the important front door swung open. A woman wearing an apron and a tinfoil hat tramped victoriously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer scooted to the bar and sat down beside Chuck.
Chuck turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her ingeniously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sugar-bun?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the monsters start to screech," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a piano.
"What did you say, patootie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, monkey. My name ain't your concern, so ponder."
Chuck stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he bellowed. "This here cookie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered recklessly, their knees quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger yowled, ignoring Chuck's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my doodlebug a beer," Chuck interrupted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shredding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the beer in front of the woman. The stranger cheerfully picked up the drink.
Deftly, Chuck grabbed the stranger by her hand, trying to kiss her passionately on her tail. The stranger waded up, seized Chuck by the leg, and with an energetic growl, dragged him to a nearby china hutch and turned him on his bicep.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger urged shyly. "The name's Lillie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Chuck sputtered needlessly until Lillie let go and fondly turned away with a sensible snuffle. Suddenly, Chuck reached into his Stetson hat and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, Banana Cakes. I got something for you, doll."
Lillie turned brightly, drew her cobra, and faced Chuck. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Tactful? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other testily for what seemed like a year. Finally, Chuck lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Chuck concluded gleefully. "You got a lotta horns for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Lillie took his hand with a cute evil eye. "You know, mon chéri, you're kinda blubbery when you're angry."
Chuck chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another beer," he boomed.