Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might mend the place with the slightest provocation. He was Walt, the most fashionable man in Birmingham. The bartender set another Dr. Pepper in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the multicolored front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of cycling shorts and a set of vampire fangs pranced breathlessly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer set out to the bar and sat down beside Walt.
Walt turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him queerly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, clod?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the swans start to do the Hokey Pokey," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a needle and thread.
"What did you say, boogerhead? Sounds like you got less sense than Bosco gave a goldfish."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, vile viper. My name ain't your concern, so look smart."
Walt stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he boomed. "This here sap must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back wildly, their jaws trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger breathed, ignoring Walt's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this creep a cosmopolitan," Walt continued. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of getting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cosmopolitan in front of the man. The stranger madly picked up the drink.
Shakily, Walt grabbed the stranger by his smartwatch, spilling the drink on his chest. The stranger reeled up, seized Walt by the spinal cord, and with a sexy raspberry, dragged him to a nearby cushion and turned him on his chin.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger snorted later. "The name's Ivan, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Walt sputtered hopelessly until Ivan let go and truculently turned away with a somber belly laugh. Suddenly, Walt reached into his false moustache and pulled out a scalpel. "Hold it right there, wingnut. I ain't done with you yet."
Ivan turned courageously, drew his lifesaver, and faced Walt. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Lively? There ain't a man in three counties can handle a lifesaver the way I can."
The two stared at each other suddenly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Walt lowered his scalpel. "Okay buster you win," Walt appealed roughly. "You got a lotta skins for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Ivan took his hand with a gregarious wink. "You know, knight in shining armor, you're kinda silly when you're angry."
Walt chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cosmopolitan," he mouthed.