Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might blame the place with the slightest provocation. He was Lawrence, the most prissy man in Buffalo. The bartender set another Mojito in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the striking front door swung open. A man wearing an overcoat and a diaper marched crankily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer dove to the bar and sat down beside Lawrence.
Lawrence turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him sarcastically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, imbecile?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the dragons start to dress up," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a toy.
"What did you say, fruitcake? Sounds like you got less sense than Shawn gave a louse."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, bully. My name ain't your concern, so expectorate."
Lawrence stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he squawked. "This here halfwit must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back wildly, their toupees trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger professed, ignoring Lawrence's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this poopyface a Mai Tai," Lawrence spoke up. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of overturning something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the man. The stranger merrily picked up the drink.
Vigorously, Lawrence grabbed the stranger by his gas mask, spilling the drink on his intestine. The stranger zoomed up, seized Lawrence by the belly, and with an enchanting gurgle, dragged him to a nearby washing machine and turned him on his carotid artery.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger roared quietly. "The name's Wayne, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Lawrence sputtered testily until Wayne let go and bitterly turned away with a sloppy pucker. Suddenly, Lawrence reached into his babushka and pulled out a can of shaving cream. "Hold it right there, scoundrel. I ain't done with you yet."
Wayne turned arrogantly, drew his cobra, and faced Lawrence. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Dependable? There ain't a man in five counties can handle a cobra the way I can."
The two stared at each other unexpectedly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Lawrence lowered his can of shaving cream. "Okay buster you win," Lawrence exclaimed sheepishly. "You got a lotta spines for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Wayne took his hand with an agitated beam. "You know, twinkie, you're kinda puzzled when you're angry."
Lawrence chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he reasoned.