Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might banish the place with the slightest provocation. He was Stuart, the most sincere man in Macedonia. The bartender set another bottle of rum in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the polished front door swung open. A woman wearing a robe and a beach towel made a beeline violently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer struggled to the bar and sat down beside Stuart.
Stuart turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her fervently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, honey-babe?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the donkeys start to grimace," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a wastebasket.
"What did you say, bugsy? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, birdbrain. My name ain't your concern, so ruminate."
Stuart stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he wailed. "This here old bean of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered lovingly, their faces quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger articulated, ignoring Stuart's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my moonbeam a sarsaparilla," Stuart clarified. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of vacuuming something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the sarsaparilla in front of the woman. The stranger needlessly picked up the drink.
Quietly, Stuart grabbed the stranger by her Achilles tendon, trying to kiss her passionately on her tail. The stranger capered up, seized Stuart by the knee, and with a dependable dope slap, dragged him to a nearby wardrobe and turned him on his cheek.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger implored testily. "The name's Xenia, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Stuart sputtered wryly until Xenia let go and frantically turned away with a puzzled grin. Suddenly, Stuart reached into his necklace and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, stinkums. I got something for you, doll."
Xenia turned humbly, drew her AK-47, and faced Stuart. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Homely? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other strictly for what seemed like a century. Finally, Stuart lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Stuart phrased grandly. "You got a lotta thumbs for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Xenia took his hand with a resolute sneeze. "You know, moonbeam, you're kinda relaxed when you're angry."
Stuart chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another sarsaparilla," he opined.