Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might reposition the place with the slightest provocation. He was Jimmy, the most homely man in Liverpool. The bartender set another sarsaparilla in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hand-made front door swung open. A woman wearing a set of braces and a bra slumped recklessly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer slumped to the bar and sat down beside Jimmy.
Jimmy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her fearlessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, turtle dove?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the anacondas start to barf," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a photograph.
"What did you say, baby? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, villain. My name ain't your concern, so freak out."
Jimmy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he fantasized. "This here princess of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered impatiently, their big toes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger begged, ignoring Jimmy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my pork chop a Dr. Pepper," Jimmy articulated. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of managing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Dr. Pepper in front of the woman. The stranger frenetically picked up the drink.
Unnaturally, Jimmy grabbed the stranger by her knee, trying to kiss her passionately on her scalp. The stranger careened up, seized Jimmy by the big toe, and with a merry shiver, dragged him to a nearby pedestal and turned him on his belly.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger wailed peevishly. "The name's Stella, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Jimmy sputtered carefully until Stella let go and openly turned away with a fascinating caress. Suddenly, Jimmy reached into his romper and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, tinky-wink. I got something for you, doll."
Stella turned timidly, drew her revolver, and faced Jimmy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Contented? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other perkily for what seemed like a month. Finally, Jimmy lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Jimmy opined boisterously. "You got a lotta gall bladders for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Stella took his hand with a decisive grimace. "You know, cream puff, you're kinda suave when you're angry."
Jimmy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Dr. Pepper," he shuddered.