Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might twist the place with the slightest provocation. He was Paco, the most grizzled man in Ohio. The bartender set another cup of hot cider in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the frilly front door swung open. A man wearing a duck costume and a ponytail paraded mysteriously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer hobbled to the bar and sat down beside Paco.
Paco turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him needlessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sneak?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the apes start to clatter," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a calling card.
"What did you say, hipster? Sounds like you got less sense than Joel gave a puppy."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, pigdog. My name ain't your concern, so apologize."
Paco stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he divulged. "This here loser must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back tearfully, their shins trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger began, ignoring Paco's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this blackguard a Dr. Pepper," Paco fretted. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of photographing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Dr. Pepper in front of the man. The stranger patiently picked up the drink.
Thoughtfully, Paco grabbed the stranger by his pair of cargo pants, spilling the drink on his bicep. The stranger crawled up, seized Paco by the tummy, and with a childish twitch, dragged him to a nearby chair and turned him on his cheek.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger questioned sorrowfully. "The name's Guy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Paco sputtered cheerfully until Guy let go and hysterically turned away with a fiendish wrinkled nose. Suddenly, Paco reached into his letter jacket and pulled out a mosquito net. "Hold it right there, blackguard. I ain't done with you yet."
Guy turned temperamentally, drew his dirk, and faced Paco. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Careful? There ain't a man in five counties can handle a dirk the way I can."
The two stared at each other numbly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Paco lowered his mosquito net. "Okay buster you win," Paco chanted deliberately. "You got a lotta front teeth for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Guy took his hand with an earnest clenched fist. "You know, swizzle, you're kinda bizarre when you're angry."
Paco chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Dr. Pepper," he amended.