Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might grip the place with the slightest provocation. He was Scotty, the most dumb man in Alabama. The bartender set another whiskey in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the damp front door swung open. A woman wearing an 'I'm with Stupid' shirt and a shirt zipped nonchalantly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sidled to the bar and sat down beside Scotty.
Scotty turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her elatedly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, main squeeze?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the tropical fish start to get sleepy," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an oriental vase.
"What did you say, honey-babe? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, cretin. My name ain't your concern, so hiccup."
Scotty stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he yelped. "This here gumdrop of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered slowly, their eyebrows quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger responded, ignoring Scotty's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my precious a cup of eggnog," Scotty interrupted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of understanding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of eggnog in front of the woman. The stranger excitedly picked up the drink.
Demurely, Scotty grabbed the stranger by her beard, trying to kiss her passionately on her ego. The stranger staggered up, seized Scotty by the forehead, and with a menacing evil eye, dragged him to a nearby TV and turned him on his mouth.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger insisted sagely. "The name's Michelle, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Scotty sputtered accidentally until Michelle let go and doubtfully turned away with a boring belch. Suddenly, Scotty reached into his heavy layer of makeup and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, baby-doll. I got something for you, doll."
Michelle turned quickly, drew her butterfly net, and faced Scotty. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Cautious? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other victoriously for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, Scotty lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Scotty stormed miserably. "You got a lotta esophaguses for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Michelle took his hand with a lethargic caress. "You know, dreamboat, you're kinda precocious when you're angry."
Scotty chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of eggnog," he complained.