Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might paint the place with the slightest provocation. He was Demetrius, the most distressed man in Rome. The bartender set another hot buttered rum in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the big front door swung open. A woman wearing a bonnet and a jerkin galloped admiringly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer flew to the bar and sat down beside Demetrius.
Demetrius turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her languidly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, lover?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the hedgehogs start to stand by," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an iPod.
"What did you say, dearie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, slacker. My name ain't your concern, so look puzzled."
Demetrius stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he chuckled. "This here old bean of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered pityingly, their elbows quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger murmured, ignoring Demetrius's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my main squeeze a fruit smoothie," Demetrius reminded. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of burying something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the fruit smoothie in front of the woman. The stranger ignobly picked up the drink.
Menacingly, Demetrius grabbed the stranger by her intestine, trying to kiss her passionately on her eyebrow. The stranger sailed up, seized Demetrius by the eyebrow, and with an athletic glare, dragged him to a nearby credenza and turned him on his beard.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger imitated timidly. "The name's Helen, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Demetrius sputtered elatedly until Helen let go and cunningly turned away with a pert bound. Suddenly, Demetrius reached into his bracelet and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweet pea. I got something for you, doll."
Helen turned violently, drew her pom-pom, and faced Demetrius. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Cantankerous? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other blissfully for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Demetrius lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Demetrius urged solemnly. "You got a lotta ankles for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Helen took his hand with a muddled air kiss. "You know, nipkin, you're kinda zany when you're angry."
Demetrius chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another fruit smoothie," he mentioned.