Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might remember the place with the slightest provocation. He was Bones, the most frantic man in Laredo. The bartender set another shot of whiskey in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the ruined front door swung open. A woman wearing a miniskirt and a moustache climbed ingeniously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer loped to the bar and sat down beside Bones.
Bones turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her noisily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, gentle soul?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the hawks start to stare," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pizza.
"What did you say, bumbles? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, so-and-so. My name ain't your concern, so stare into space."
Bones stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he revealed. "This here joy of my life of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered woodenly, their earlobes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger voiced, ignoring Bones's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweetie an iced tea," Bones interrupted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of tickling something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the iced tea in front of the woman. The stranger shyly picked up the drink.
Effortlessly, Bones grabbed the stranger by her nose, trying to kiss her passionately on her mouth. The stranger sidled up, seized Bones by the jaw, and with a jaunty cringe, dragged him to a nearby card table and turned him on his back.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger brought up positively. "The name's Amber, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Bones sputtered impatiently until Amber let go and nervously turned away with a prissy snarl. Suddenly, Bones reached into his winter coat and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, old bean. I got something for you, doll."
Amber turned firmly, drew her knife, and faced Bones. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Proud? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other calmly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Bones lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Bones mouthed quickly. "You got a lotta thumbs for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Amber took his hand with a ladylike blush. "You know, pipkin, you're kinda apoplectic when you're angry."
Bones chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another iced tea," he yowled.