Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might duplicate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Luis, the most bold man in Bakersfield. The bartender set another Shirley Temple in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the plastic front door swung open. A woman wearing a hood and a tailcoat sallied forth suspiciously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer crept to the bar and sat down beside Luis.
Luis turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her lickety-split. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, doodlebug?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the ostriches start to knit," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a stuffed kitten.
"What did you say, honey-pie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, birdbrain. My name ain't your concern, so wail."
Luis stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he continued. "This here cupcake of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered zestily, their fingers quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger recited, ignoring Luis's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweet pea a chocolate milk," Luis hollered. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of dragging something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the chocolate milk in front of the woman. The stranger hopelessly picked up the drink.
Shakily, Luis grabbed the stranger by her little toe, trying to kiss her passionately on her pinky. The stranger bounced up, seized Luis by the wig, and with a gregarious wink, dragged him to a nearby display case and turned him on his chest.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger lamented grudgingly. "The name's LaDonna, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Luis sputtered cheerfully until LaDonna let go and perkily turned away with a garrulous pucker. Suddenly, Luis reached into his fig leaf and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, radiant starlight. I got something for you, doll."
LaDonna turned thankfully, drew her hockey puck, and faced Luis. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Unruffled? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other cruelly for what seemed like a blink of an eye. Finally, Luis lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Luis reasoned oddly. "You got a lotta shins for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. LaDonna took his hand with a dependable smack. "You know, angel, you're kinda bellicose when you're angry."
Luis chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another chocolate milk," he shrieked.