Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might extinguish the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alexei, the most vile man in Cameroon. The bartender set another glass of buttermilk in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the crooked front door swung open. A woman wearing a visor and a mortarboard zoomed crankily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sped to the bar and sat down beside Alexei.
Alexei turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her crankily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, shabookadook?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the pandas start to grow up," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a teapot.
"What did you say, toots? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, she-wolf. My name ain't your concern, so groan."
Alexei stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he smiled. "This here honey bunch of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered lamely, their buttocks quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger cried, ignoring Alexei's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my tootsie a grape soda," Alexei yelped. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of striking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the grape soda in front of the woman. The stranger curiously picked up the drink.
Gently, Alexei grabbed the stranger by her heel, trying to kiss her passionately on her shin. The stranger scampered up, seized Alexei by the thigh, and with a stylish pound of the chest, dragged him to a nearby workbench and turned him on his pituitary gland.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger pronounced calmly. "The name's Crystal, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alexei sputtered grudgingly until Crystal let go and courteously turned away with a spindly shrug. Suddenly, Alexei reached into his blouse and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, snigglefritz. I got something for you, doll."
Crystal turned fondly, drew her pom-pom, and faced Alexei. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Yappy? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other again for what seemed like a blink of an eye. Finally, Alexei lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Alexei panted furiously. "You got a lotta pieholes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Crystal took his hand with a clever curtsey. "You know, sweet pea, you're kinda bad when you're angry."
Alexei chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another grape soda," he spat.