Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might attack the place with the slightest provocation. He was Scotty, the most crafty man in South Bend. The bartender set another Cuba libre in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the soft front door swung open. A woman wearing a miniskirt and a ponytail strode deliberately into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer traipsed to the bar and sat down beside Scotty.
Scotty turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her madly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, turtle dove?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the meerkats start to sleep," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a saddle.
"What did you say, bud? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, animal. My name ain't your concern, so snarl."
Scotty stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he begged. "This here doll of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered slyly, their eyelids quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger drawled, ignoring Scotty's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweetie a glass of champagne," Scotty cajoled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of cleaning something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of champagne in front of the woman. The stranger busily picked up the drink.
Tearfully, Scotty grabbed the stranger by her intestine, trying to kiss her passionately on her toenail. The stranger traipsed up, seized Scotty by the ear, and with a vacuous air kiss, dragged him to a nearby umbrella stand and turned him on his front tooth.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger warbled thoughtfully. "The name's Lucia, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Scotty sputtered offhandedly until Lucia let go and nonchalantly turned away with a brilliant hoot. Suddenly, Scotty reached into his baseball cap and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, shmoopsie-poo. I got something for you, doll."
Lucia turned deliberately, drew her pair of brass knuckles, and faced Scotty. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Haughty? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other dubiously for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Scotty lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Scotty yelped brightly. "You got a lotta femurs for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Lucia took his hand with a deadly shiver. "You know, doodlebug, you're kinda difficult when you're angry."
Scotty chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of champagne," he grunted.