Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might condemn the place with the slightest provocation. He was Hugo, the most furry man in Toledo. The bartender set another beer in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hand-made front door swung open. A woman wearing a kilt and a skirt sailed sternly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer straggled to the bar and sat down beside Hugo.
Hugo turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her merrily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sparky?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the crows start to spit," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a stick of gum.
"What did you say, tinky-wink? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, clodhopper. My name ain't your concern, so smile."
Hugo stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he instructed. "This here doll of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered shyly, their mouths quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger vouched, ignoring Hugo's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my dreamboat a V8," Hugo lectured. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of brushing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the V8 in front of the woman. The stranger sympathetically picked up the drink.
Sourly, Hugo grabbed the stranger by her ear, trying to kiss her passionately on her wig. The stranger tiptoed up, seized Hugo by the eyelash, and with an obnoxious curtsey, dragged him to a nearby display case and turned him on his skin.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger blurted awkwardly. "The name's Lucille, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Hugo sputtered nicely until Lucille let go and awkwardly turned away with a monstrous hoot. Suddenly, Hugo reached into his uniform and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, doll. I got something for you, doll."
Lucille turned smoothly, drew her charm, and faced Hugo. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Tired? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other swiftly for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, Hugo lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Hugo conversed demurely. "You got a lotta pituitary glands for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Lucille took his hand with a poised simper. "You know, pipkin, you're kinda masculine when you're angry."
Hugo chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another V8," he began.