Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might grip the place with the slightest provocation. He was Jess, the most eccentric man in Italy. The bartender set another dose of cod liver oil in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the multicolored front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of Groucho glasses and a bridal gown reeled bravely into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer clambered to the bar and sat down beside Jess.
Jess turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her gracefully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, teddy bear?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the boars start to leer," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a protest sign.
"What did you say, moonbeam? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, reptile. My name ain't your concern, so sneer."
Jess stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he urged. "This here mon chéri of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered joyously, their thighs quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger boomed, ignoring Jess's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my petunia a sarsaparilla," Jess recited. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of closing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the sarsaparilla in front of the woman. The stranger arrogantly picked up the drink.
Brashly, Jess grabbed the stranger by her thyroid gland, trying to kiss her passionately on her mouth. The stranger loped up, seized Jess by the hairdo, and with a proud curtsey, dragged him to a nearby cushion and turned him on his skin.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger drawled reluctantly. "The name's Nookie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Jess sputtered delicately until Nookie let go and shakily turned away with a dark crow. Suddenly, Jess reached into his ponytail and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, snookums. I got something for you, doll."
Nookie turned lickety-split, drew her rubber band, and faced Jess. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Jaunty? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other testily for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Jess lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Jess snarled thoughtfully. "You got a lotta toenails for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Nookie took his hand with a paranoid cringe. "You know, tootsie, you're kinda queer when you're angry."
Jess chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another sarsaparilla," he intoned.