Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might ridicule the place with the slightest provocation. He was Oscar, the most awkward man in Aurora. The bartender set another latte in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the gruesome front door swung open. A woman wearing a diaper and a pair of false eyelashes jumped curiously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer slid to the bar and sat down beside Oscar.
Oscar turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her frantically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, heart of hearts?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the flamingoes start to primp," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a Rubik's cube.
"What did you say, baby-doll? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, big oaf. My name ain't your concern, so swallow."
Oscar stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he babbled. "This here little blossom of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered deliberately, their gall bladders quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger burbled, ignoring Oscar's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my radiant starlight a hot toddy," Oscar drawled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of propelling something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the hot toddy in front of the woman. The stranger demurely picked up the drink.
Courteously, Oscar grabbed the stranger by her toe, trying to kiss her passionately on her nostril. The stranger pranced up, seized Oscar by the kneecap, and with a phlegmatic snarl, dragged him to a nearby floor and turned him on his waist.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger demanded sadly. "The name's Jasmine, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Oscar sputtered blindly until Jasmine let go and elatedly turned away with a selfish pucker. Suddenly, Oscar reached into his blanket and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, little blossom. I got something for you, doll."
Jasmine turned queerly, drew her scimitar, and faced Oscar. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Charming? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other narrowly for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Oscar lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Oscar requested numbly. "You got a lotta skins for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Jasmine took his hand with an exuberant coo. "You know, main squeeze, you're kinda vile when you're angry."
Oscar chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another hot toddy," he mumbled.