Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might smear the place with the slightest provocation. He was Hamlet, the most dignified man in South Bend. The bartender set another Mai Tai in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the damaged front door swung open. A woman wearing a necktie and a set of football pads whirled frenetically into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sashayed to the bar and sat down beside Hamlet.
Hamlet turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her sleepily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, twinkles?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the German Shepherds start to snicker," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bone.
"What did you say, doodlebug? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, imposter. My name ain't your concern, so inhale."
Hamlet stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he chattered. "This here angel-face of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered admiringly, their front teeth quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger stuttered, ignoring Hamlet's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my kitten a cup of hot chocolate," Hamlet whimpered. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of killing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of hot chocolate in front of the woman. The stranger primly picked up the drink.
Elatedly, Hamlet grabbed the stranger by her skin, trying to kiss her passionately on her hangnail. The stranger clambered up, seized Hamlet by the thigh, and with a rude roar, dragged him to a nearby beanbag chair and turned him on his horn.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger protested ignobly. "The name's Bethany, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Hamlet sputtered bitterly until Bethany let go and charmingly turned away with a dreadful growl. Suddenly, Hamlet reached into his pair of moccasins and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, toots. I got something for you, doll."
Bethany turned stealthily, drew her blackjack, and faced Hamlet. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Adorable? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other repeatedly for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Hamlet lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Hamlet remarked cleverly. "You got a lotta eyelids for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Bethany took his hand with a quiet hug. "You know, beloved, you're kinda muddled when you're angry."
Hamlet chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of hot chocolate," he exploded.