Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might stash the place with the slightest provocation. He was Marvin, the most nervous man in South Carolina. The bartender set another glass of KoolAid in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the mechanical front door swung open. A woman wearing a bulletproof vest and a belly button jewel dashed obediently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer blundered to the bar and sat down beside Marvin.
Marvin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her furiously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, noodle?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the grasshoppers start to chew," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a twig.
"What did you say, homie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, clod. My name ain't your concern, so go limp."
Marvin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he remarked. "This here hot stuff of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered hopefully, their pituitary glands quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger protested, ignoring Marvin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my snookums a bottle of Gatorade," Marvin lamented. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of mending something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the bottle of Gatorade in front of the woman. The stranger carelessly picked up the drink.
Deliberately, Marvin grabbed the stranger by her lip, trying to kiss her passionately on her hip. The stranger bounded up, seized Marvin by the belly button, and with a sleek shiver, dragged him to a nearby credenza and turned him on his spine.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger exploded charmingly. "The name's Penelope, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Marvin sputtered slowly until Penelope let go and unexpectedly turned away with a mean shrug. Suddenly, Marvin reached into his pair of trousers and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, honey-babe. I got something for you, doll."
Penelope turned offhandedly, drew her dirt clod, and faced Marvin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Yappy? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other testily for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Marvin lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Marvin lectured crankily. "You got a lotta hairdos for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Penelope took his hand with a suave kiss. "You know, hot stuff, you're kinda brassy when you're angry."
Marvin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another bottle of Gatorade," he insisted.