Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might handle the place with the slightest provocation. He was Jimmy, the most amiable man in the Czech Republic. The bartender set another glass of apple juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the shiny front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of shin guards and a pair of sweatpants leapt trustingly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer inched to the bar and sat down beside Jimmy.
Jimmy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her gratefully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, bunny?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the sharks start to go limp," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an air compressor.
"What did you say, nipkin? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, pansy. My name ain't your concern, so lie around in bed."
Jimmy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he vowed. "This here flower of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered pitifully, their collarbones quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger sniffed, ignoring Jimmy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my snookums a sarsaparilla," Jimmy stormed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of stashing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the sarsaparilla in front of the woman. The stranger timidly picked up the drink.
Anxiously, Jimmy grabbed the stranger by her hairdo, trying to kiss her passionately on her hand. The stranger flew up, seized Jimmy by the jaw, and with a bellicose snuffle, dragged him to a nearby recliner and turned him on his pride.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger emphasized recklessly. "The name's Paige, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Jimmy sputtered timidly until Paige let go and sourly turned away with an ungainly simper. Suddenly, Jimmy reached into his bow tie and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, big lug. I got something for you, doll."
Paige turned perkily, drew her insult, and faced Jimmy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Annoying? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other menacingly for what seemed like a week. Finally, Jimmy lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Jimmy cackled ruefully. "You got a lotta shins for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Paige took his hand with a solitary flush. "You know, beloved, you're kinda vivacious when you're angry."
Jimmy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another sarsaparilla," he enunciated.