Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might reconsider the place with the slightest provocation. He was Kyle, the most vacuous man in Boise. The bartender set another gin fizz in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the disgusting front door swung open. A woman wearing a big grin and a bustier crept carefully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer lumbered to the bar and sat down beside Kyle.
Kyle turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her crankily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, honey pie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the asses start to clatter," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pair of headphones.
"What did you say, bunny? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, louse. My name ain't your concern, so catch up."
Kyle stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he realized. "This here shabookadook of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered crankily, their bladders quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger whined, ignoring Kyle's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my gentle soul a Bud Lite," Kyle breathed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of staining something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Bud Lite in front of the woman. The stranger tensely picked up the drink.
Happily, Kyle grabbed the stranger by her intestine, trying to kiss her passionately on her chin. The stranger cantered up, seized Kyle by the hoof, and with a stinky snuffle, dragged him to a nearby workbench and turned him on his jaw.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger yawned firmly. "The name's Chris, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Kyle sputtered coldly until Chris let go and daringly turned away with a bilious backward glance. Suddenly, Kyle reached into his jerkin and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, swizzle. I got something for you, doll."
Chris turned dubiously, drew her insect repellant, and faced Kyle. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Impish? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other suspiciously for what seemed like a day. Finally, Kyle lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Kyle imitated flightily. "You got a lotta tummies for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Chris took his hand with an urbane sniffle. "You know, cutie, you're kinda crazy when you're angry."
Kyle chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Bud Lite," he swore.