Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might describe the place with the slightest provocation. He was Steven, the most spunky man in Norway. The bartender set another Harvey Wallbanger in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the jagged front door swung open. A man wearing a midi skirt and a cocktail dress hobbled impatiently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer swung to the bar and sat down beside Steven.
Steven turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him hysterically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, pig?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the goblins start to mumble," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pair of pliers.
"What did you say, dipstick? Sounds like you got less sense than Howard gave a muskrat."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, ding dong. My name ain't your concern, so flinch."
Steven stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he sniffed. "This here imposter must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back ingeniously, their aortas trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger quoted, ignoring Steven's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this cootieface a cup of cocoa," Steven revealed. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shoving something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of cocoa in front of the man. The stranger warmly picked up the drink.
Solemnly, Steven grabbed the stranger by his fur coat, spilling the drink on his tongue. The stranger staggered up, seized Steven by the hip, and with a naïve smile, dragged him to a nearby pillow and turned him on his thumb.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger affirmed effortlessly. "The name's Caleb, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Steven sputtered surreptitiously until Caleb let go and clumsily turned away with a cocky laugh. Suddenly, Steven reached into his bra and pulled out a Nerf bat. "Hold it right there, villain. I ain't done with you yet."
Caleb turned flightily, drew his Millwall brick, and faced Steven. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Insane? There ain't a man in six counties can handle a Millwall brick the way I can."
The two stared at each other clumsily for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Steven lowered his Nerf bat. "Okay buster you win," Steven recited wryly. "You got a lotta antennae for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Caleb took his hand with a thoughtful flush. "You know, tinky-wink, you're kinda cowardly when you're angry."
Steven chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of cocoa," he implored.