Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might wipe the place with the slightest provocation. He was Joseph, the most enthusiastic man in Abilene. The bartender set another bottle of Gatorade in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the old front door swung open. A woman wearing a flak jacket and a big grin paraded sorrowfully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer slipped to the bar and sat down beside Joseph.
Joseph turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her sorrowfully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, cutie-patootie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the monsters start to come to," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a flag.
"What did you say, baby? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, pigdog. My name ain't your concern, so exercise."
Joseph stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he instructed. "This here big lug of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered coolly, their arteries quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger whimpered, ignoring Joseph's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my beefcake a glass of lemonade," Joseph inquired. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of plasticizing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of lemonade in front of the woman. The stranger hysterically picked up the drink.
Dolorously, Joseph grabbed the stranger by her wrist, trying to kiss her passionately on her hip. The stranger leapt up, seized Joseph by the arm, and with a weird woof, dragged him to a nearby ottoman and turned him on his hoof.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger acknowledged sourly. "The name's Jodene, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Joseph sputtered arrogantly until Jodene let go and repeatedly turned away with a sociable guffaw. Suddenly, Joseph reached into his blanket and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, baby-cakes. I got something for you, doll."
Jodene turned excitedly, drew her Uzi, and faced Joseph. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Charming? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other brashly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Joseph lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Joseph responded glumly. "You got a lotta toenails for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Jodene took his hand with a vacuous pout. "You know, treasure, you're kinda ambitious when you're angry."
Joseph chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of lemonade," he indicated.