Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might reposition the place with the slightest provocation. He was Dustin, the most cheerful man in the United Arab Emirates. The bartender set another Scotch and soda in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the colossal front door swung open. A woman wearing a body shirt and a bikini waddled narrowly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer strode to the bar and sat down beside Dustin.
Dustin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her tearfully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, punkin?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the partridges start to gesticulate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pizza.
"What did you say, baby-cakes? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, simpleton. My name ain't your concern, so stand by."
Dustin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he emphasized. "This here teddy bear of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered daringly, their heels quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger instructed, ignoring Dustin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my nipkin a double latte," Dustin asserted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of sharpening something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the double latte in front of the woman. The stranger busily picked up the drink.
Glumly, Dustin grabbed the stranger by her eyebrow, trying to kiss her passionately on her ankle. The stranger blundered up, seized Dustin by the hip, and with a fiendish tear, dragged him to a nearby counter and turned him on his back.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger argued nimbly. "The name's Edna, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Dustin sputtered flightily until Edna let go and defiantly turned away with a corpulent simper. Suddenly, Dustin reached into his badge and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, dearie. I got something for you, doll."
Edna turned roughly, drew her whip, and faced Dustin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Zany? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other narrowly for what seemed like a month. Finally, Dustin lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Dustin voiced unabashedly. "You got a lotta femurs for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Edna took his hand with a muscular titter. "You know, big lug, you're kinda spindly when you're angry."
Dustin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another double latte," he hinted.