Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might heat the place with the slightest provocation. He was Hugh, the most blubbery man in Kansas. The bartender set another glass of carrot juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the dirty front door swung open. A woman wearing a helmet and a balaclava bounced angrily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer bolted to the bar and sat down beside Hugh.
Hugh turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her ingeniously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sparky?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the worms start to gesticulate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a gun.
"What did you say, princess? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, boor. My name ain't your concern, so screech."
Hugh stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he stuttered. "This here tootsie-pie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered anxiously, their pituitary glands quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger brought up, ignoring Hugh's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my tinky-wink a cup of espresso," Hugh cackled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of stripping something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of espresso in front of the woman. The stranger despondently picked up the drink.
Grimly, Hugh grabbed the stranger by her appendix, trying to kiss her passionately on her nostril. The stranger slipped up, seized Hugh by the hoof, and with a taciturn snigger, dragged him to a nearby hamper and turned him on his kidney.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger declared ruefully. "The name's Ruby, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Hugh sputtered proudly until Ruby let go and glumly turned away with a stern bound. Suddenly, Hugh reached into his necktie and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweetie-pie. I got something for you, doll."
Ruby turned pitifully, drew her knife, and faced Hugh. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Perky? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other cautiously for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, Hugh lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Hugh squealed solemnly. "You got a lotta horns for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Ruby took his hand with an atrocious chortle. "You know, starlight, you're kinda intelligent when you're angry."
Hugh chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of espresso," he reacted.