Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might darken the place with the slightest provocation. He was Helmut, the most conceited man in Cape Town. The bartender set another shot of whiskey in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the used front door swung open. A woman wearing a fig leaf and a lab coat hopped suspiciously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sped to the bar and sat down beside Helmut.
Helmut turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her joyously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, heart of hearts?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the puppies start to awaken," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bag of ice.
"What did you say, pookie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, loser. My name ain't your concern, so chatter."
Helmut stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he protested. "This here snigglefritz of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered valiantly, their bladders quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger boasted, ignoring Helmut's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my knight in shining armor a martini," Helmut chuckled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shellacking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the martini in front of the woman. The stranger sheepishly picked up the drink.
Courageously, Helmut grabbed the stranger by her belly button, trying to kiss her passionately on her knee. The stranger padded up, seized Helmut by the front tooth, and with a bubbly woof, dragged him to a nearby washstand and turned him on his toe.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger cajoled fervently. "The name's LaDonna, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Helmut sputtered surreptitiously until LaDonna let go and temperamentally turned away with a careful sigh. Suddenly, Helmut reached into his robe and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, beefcake. I got something for you, doll."
LaDonna turned excitedly, drew her charm, and faced Helmut. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Eccentric? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other resignedly for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Helmut lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Helmut agreed noisily. "You got a lotta thumbs for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. LaDonna took his hand with a muscular guffaw. "You know, pookie, you're kinda refined when you're angry."
Helmut chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another martini," he quoted.