Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might prune the place with the slightest provocation. He was José, the most comely man in Bakersfield. The bartender set another cup of Sanka in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the funny front door swung open. A woman wearing an earring and a gladiator helmet bounced merrily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer stalked to the bar and sat down beside José.
José turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her gruffly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, cutie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the polecats start to twitch," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pillow.
"What did you say, poopsy-woopsy? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, vixen. My name ain't your concern, so seethe."
José stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he hissed. "This here dreamboat of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered sorrowfully, their livers quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger lamented, ignoring José's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my bumbles a tonic," José urged. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of smearing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the tonic in front of the woman. The stranger despondently picked up the drink.
Ruefully, José grabbed the stranger by her piehole, trying to kiss her passionately on her finger. The stranger slumped up, seized José by the aorta, and with a haggard flinch, dragged him to a nearby beanbag chair and turned him on his ego.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger sighed dubiously. "The name's Debbie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
José sputtered grimly until Debbie let go and firmly turned away with a tired smirk. Suddenly, José reached into his Speedo and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweet pea. I got something for you, doll."
Debbie turned bitterly, drew her quick retort, and faced José. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Bouncy? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other valiantly for what seemed like a day. Finally, José lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," José questioned impatiently. "You got a lotta pituitary glands for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Debbie took his hand with a hungry flinch. "You know, angel, you're kinda bizarre when you're angry."
José chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another tonic," he exclaimed.