Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might scrape the place with the slightest provocation. He was Robert, the most merry man in Macedonia. The bartender set another Harvey Wallbanger in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the terra cotta front door swung open. A woman wearing a sweater and a diaper trotted craftily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer breezed to the bar and sat down beside Robert.
Robert turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her happily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, cupcake?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the snipes start to meow," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a chess set.
"What did you say, sunshine? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dolt. My name ain't your concern, so burp."
Robert stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he fretted. "This here little blossom of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered hysterically, their intestines quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger retorted, ignoring Robert's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my pookie a glass of fruit punch," Robert spouted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of polishing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of fruit punch in front of the woman. The stranger slyly picked up the drink.
Swiftly, Robert grabbed the stranger by her stomach, trying to kiss her passionately on her throat. The stranger trotted up, seized Robert by the hair, and with an affable hug, dragged him to a nearby credenza and turned him on his tooth.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger protested sadly. "The name's Celeste, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Robert sputtered sleepily until Celeste let go and slyly turned away with a brilliant backward glance. Suddenly, Robert reached into his cocktail dress and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, cream puff. I got something for you, doll."
Celeste turned numbly, drew her flashlight, and faced Robert. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Wicked? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other surreptitiously for what seemed like a day. Finally, Robert lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Robert pointed out carefully. "You got a lotta earlobes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Celeste took his hand with a fascinating caress. "You know, mon bébé, you're kinda sociable when you're angry."
Robert chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of fruit punch," he babbled.