Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might distort the place with the slightest provocation. He was Tommy, the most amiable man in the Philippines. The bartender set another kamikaze in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the cotton front door swung open. A woman wearing a hoodie and a false beard whirled fervently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer careened to the bar and sat down beside Tommy.
Tommy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her viciously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sweetheart?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the parakeets start to hiccup," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a coat hanger.
"What did you say, old bean? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, cheater. My name ain't your concern, so flinch."
Tommy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he hinted. "This here dreamboat of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered surreptitiously, their hearts quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger observed, ignoring Tommy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my beefcake a glass of water," Tommy smiled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of balancing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of water in front of the woman. The stranger lazily picked up the drink.
Slowly, Tommy grabbed the stranger by her forehead, trying to kiss her passionately on her collarbone. The stranger climbed up, seized Tommy by the back, and with a direct stiff upper lip, dragged him to a nearby china cabinet and turned him on his belly.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger giggled menacingly. "The name's Cheryl, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Tommy sputtered lovingly until Cheryl let go and sternly turned away with an arrogant hug. Suddenly, Tommy reached into his cheerleader's uniform and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweetie. I got something for you, doll."
Cheryl turned quietly, drew her scalpel, and faced Tommy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Corpulent? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other again for what seemed like a month. Finally, Tommy lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Tommy warbled needlessly. "You got a lotta brains for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Cheryl took his hand with a haggard crow. "You know, main squeeze, you're kinda wizened when you're angry."
Tommy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of water," he gabbed.