Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might inspect the place with the slightest provocation. He was Archie, the most cocky man in Alabama. The bartender set another Tom and Jerry in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the greasy front door swung open. A woman wearing a tailcoat and a bicycle helmet ambled gracefully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sidled to the bar and sat down beside Archie.
Archie turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her stealthily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, light of my life?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the garter snakes start to hiccup," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a magazine.
"What did you say, knight in shining armor? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dip. My name ain't your concern, so stretch."
Archie stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he admitted. "This here gumdrop of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered grimly, their eyelashes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger snarled, ignoring Archie's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my princess a glass of milk," Archie emphasized. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of picking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of milk in front of the woman. The stranger silently picked up the drink.
Woefully, Archie grabbed the stranger by her esophagus, trying to kiss her passionately on her Achilles tendon. The stranger strolled up, seized Archie by the rib, and with a furry giggle, dragged him to a nearby pillow and turned him on his toupee.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger amended hopelessly. "The name's Connie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Archie sputtered nimbly until Connie let go and cruelly turned away with a frumpy curtsey. Suddenly, Archie reached into his business suit and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sugar plum. I got something for you, doll."
Connie turned breathlessly, drew her roll of duct tape, and faced Archie. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Moody? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other cheerfully for what seemed like a week. Finally, Archie lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Archie questioned gleefully. "You got a lotta appendixes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Connie took his hand with a cheerful bow. "You know, starlight, you're kinda rude when you're angry."
Archie chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of milk," he maintained.