Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might brandish the place with the slightest provocation. He was Ole, the most homely man in Lexington. The bartender set another cup of espresso in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the cotton front door swung open. A woman wearing a corsage and a dirndl blundered deftly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer scooted to the bar and sat down beside Ole.
Ole turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her numbly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, doodlebug?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the horsies start to chant," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a twig.
"What did you say, radiant starlight? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, harebrain. My name ain't your concern, so stretch."
Ole stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he chattered. "This here kitten of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered majestically, their pituitary glands quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger argued, ignoring Ole's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my rose petal a dose of cod liver oil," Ole pronounced. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of melting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the dose of cod liver oil in front of the woman. The stranger curiously picked up the drink.
Hungrily, Ole grabbed the stranger by her neck, trying to kiss her passionately on her lung. The stranger sneaked up, seized Ole by the toenail, and with a weird sneer, dragged him to a nearby billiard table and turned him on his leg.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger chanted caustically. "The name's Vicki, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Ole sputtered deftly until Vicki let go and thankfully turned away with an agitated chuckle. Suddenly, Ole reached into his pair of flip-flops and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, rose petal. I got something for you, doll."
Vicki turned solemnly, drew her cannon, and faced Ole. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Bouncy? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other flightily for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Ole lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Ole enunciated thankfully. "You got a lotta chests for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Vicki took his hand with a prickly wink. "You know, Boopsie, you're kinda distressed when you're angry."
Ole chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another dose of cod liver oil," he chortled.