Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might mutilate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Fred, the most desperate man in Laos. The bartender set another can of Ensure in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the ridiculous front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of sandals and a pair of earmuffs strode tearfully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer flew to the bar and sat down beside Fred.
Fred turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him gently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, turkey?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the muskrats start to breathe," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an iPod.
"What did you say, goon? Sounds like you got less sense than Ben gave a mosquito."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, lunatic. My name ain't your concern, so back down."
Fred stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he reasoned. "This here airhead must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back bravely, their teeth trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger winked, ignoring Fred's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this nitwit a Brandy Alexander," Fred retorted. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of leaving something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Brandy Alexander in front of the man. The stranger temperamentally picked up the drink.
Quickly, Fred grabbed the stranger by his Eton jacket, spilling the drink on his heel. The stranger stalked up, seized Fred by the ego, and with a sexy gurgle, dragged him to a nearby beanbag chair and turned him on his hairdo.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger concluded again. "The name's Kellen, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Fred sputtered curiously until Kellen let go and fearlessly turned away with a freakish kiss. Suddenly, Fred reached into his bandana and pulled out a disinfectant. "Hold it right there, dodo. I ain't done with you yet."
Kellen turned grimly, drew his atomic weapon, and faced Fred. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Freakish? There ain't a man in five counties can handle an atomic weapon the way I can."
The two stared at each other sourly for what seemed like a minute. Finally, Fred lowered his disinfectant. "Okay buster you win," Fred quoted steadily. "You got a lotta Adam's apples for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Kellen took his hand with a serious curtsey. "You know, toodleums, you're kinda bouncy when you're angry."
Fred chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Brandy Alexander," he trumpeted.