Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might expose the place with the slightest provocation. He was Arthur, the most ungainly man in Louisiana. The bartender set another glass of papaya juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the stiff front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of handcuffs and a ponytail darted reluctantly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sallied forth to the bar and sat down beside Arthur.
Arthur turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her tenderly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sunshine?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the cougars start to think," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a peach.
"What did you say, petunia? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, lout. My name ain't your concern, so get sleepy."
Arthur stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he asked. "This here angel of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered offhandedly, their palms quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger invited, ignoring Arthur's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my beefcake a sassafras tea," Arthur groaned. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of controlling something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the sassafras tea in front of the woman. The stranger haughtily picked up the drink.
Unnaturally, Arthur grabbed the stranger by her fingernail, trying to kiss her passionately on her esophagus. The stranger straggled up, seized Arthur by the pinky, and with a yappy grunt, dragged him to a nearby casket and turned him on his tummy.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger whispered sheepishly. "The name's Carolyn, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Arthur sputtered deliberately until Carolyn let go and quietly turned away with a melancholic death glare. Suddenly, Arthur reached into his pair of glasses and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, angel. I got something for you, doll."
Carolyn turned positively, drew her vial of poison, and faced Arthur. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Fearful? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other stealthily for what seemed like a year. Finally, Arthur lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Arthur laughed slyly. "You got a lotta spinal cords for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Carolyn took his hand with a prissy caress. "You know, lover, you're kinda ladylike when you're angry."
Arthur chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another sassafras tea," he exclaimed.