Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might wallop the place with the slightest provocation. He was Jack, the most gentle man in Uzbekistan. The bartender set another glass of apricot juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the slimy front door swung open. A woman wearing a porcupine costume and a nightgown clambered languidly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer rushed to the bar and sat down beside Jack.
Jack turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her recklessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, honey-pie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the nightingales start to murmur," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a toilet seat.
"What did you say, pet? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, goon. My name ain't your concern, so do the Hokey Pokey."
Jack stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he complained. "This here babe of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered accidentally, their knuckles quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger scoffed, ignoring Jack's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my bunny a hot toddy," Jack breathed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of grinding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the hot toddy in front of the woman. The stranger joyously picked up the drink.
Lickety-split, Jack grabbed the stranger by her waist, trying to kiss her passionately on her gut. The stranger waltzed up, seized Jack by the shin, and with an ungainly face palm, dragged him to a nearby toilet and turned him on his chest.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger harangued greedily. "The name's Laura, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Jack sputtered unexpectedly until Laura let go and grudgingly turned away with a diabolical sniffle. Suddenly, Jack reached into his toga and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, twinkles. I got something for you, doll."
Laura turned dubiously, drew her dirk, and faced Jack. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Wary? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other effortlessly for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Jack lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Jack contended sheepishly. "You got a lotta heads for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Laura took his hand with a dismal smack. "You know, patootie, you're kinda energetic when you're angry."
Jack chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another hot toddy," he expressed.