Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might neglect the place with the slightest provocation. He was Austin, the most resolute man in the United States. The bartender set another cup of hot chocolate in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the archaic front door swung open. A man wearing a name tag and a straitjacket lumbered caustically into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer galloped to the bar and sat down beside Austin.
Austin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him blindly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, reptile?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the pheasants start to mumble," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a camera.
"What did you say, lubberly lout? Sounds like you got less sense than Bub gave a hermit crab."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, freak. My name ain't your concern, so wake up."
Austin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he accused. "This here whippersnapper must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back menacingly, their eyes trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger analyzed, ignoring Austin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this slubberdegullion a root beer float," Austin spewed. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of studying something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the root beer float in front of the man. The stranger diligently picked up the drink.
Dolorously, Austin grabbed the stranger by his award medal, spilling the drink on his beard. The stranger trekked up, seized Austin by the nose, and with a bilious cheer, dragged him to a nearby bar stool and turned him on his appendix.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger whispered furiously. "The name's Jerry, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Austin sputtered softly until Jerry let go and proudly turned away with a sanguine grimace. Suddenly, Austin reached into his name tag and pulled out a scythe. "Hold it right there, shrimp. I ain't done with you yet."
Jerry turned testily, drew his piercing stare, and faced Austin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Heavyset? There ain't a man in three counties can handle a piercing stare the way I can."
The two stared at each other frenetically for what seemed like a century. Finally, Austin lowered his scythe. "Okay buster you win," Austin spewed violently. "You got a lotta pituitary glands for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Jerry took his hand with a brave titter. "You know, rose petal, you're kinda ambitious when you're angry."
Austin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another root beer float," he scoffed.