Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might inflate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Louis, the most carefree man in Florida. The bartender set another sarsaparilla in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the electronic front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of culottes and a class ring rolled nimbly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer galumphed to the bar and sat down beside Louis.
Louis turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her zestily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, darling?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the mongeese start to meow," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a peanut.
"What did you say, cream puff? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, pig. My name ain't your concern, so fulminate."
Louis stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he piped up. "This here homie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered sleepily, their jaws quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger simpered, ignoring Louis's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sugar a Bud Lite," Louis squealed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of removing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Bud Lite in front of the woman. The stranger sorrowfully picked up the drink.
Confidently, Louis grabbed the stranger by her gall bladder, trying to kiss her passionately on her spinal cord. The stranger hobbled up, seized Louis by the heart, and with an unselfish pucker, dragged him to a nearby rocking chair and turned him on his buttocks.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger yawned wryly. "The name's Jackie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Louis sputtered gruffly until Jackie let go and demurely turned away with a weird jeer. Suddenly, Louis reached into his pair of cowboy boots and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, little one. I got something for you, doll."
Jackie turned woodenly, drew her supply of courage, and faced Louis. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Brassy? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other nicely for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Louis lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Louis panted joyously. "You got a lotta hangnails for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Jackie took his hand with an adorable titter. "You know, apple of my eye, you're kinda zany when you're angry."
Louis chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Bud Lite," he piped up.