Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might prune the place with the slightest provocation. He was Jacob, the most fascinating man in Tallahassee. The bartender set another cup of bouillon in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the filthy front door swung open. A woman wearing a gold medal and a sweater sashayed confidently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer flounced to the bar and sat down beside Jacob.
Jacob turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her clumsily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, rose petal?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the musk-oxen start to snore," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a fossil.
"What did you say, tootsy-wootsy? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, bum. My name ain't your concern, so come to."
Jacob stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he maintained. "This here hot stuff of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered jokingly, their adrenal glands quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger taunted, ignoring Jacob's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my cutie-patootie a gin fizz," Jacob insisted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of hitting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the gin fizz in front of the woman. The stranger flightily picked up the drink.
Flightily, Jacob grabbed the stranger by her toenail, trying to kiss her passionately on her esophagus. The stranger pranced up, seized Jacob by the eye, and with a sincere laugh, dragged him to a nearby coat rack and turned him on his foot.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger asked crossly. "The name's Eloise, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Jacob sputtered dreamily until Eloise let go and sweetly turned away with an obedient smile. Suddenly, Jacob reached into his hoodie and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, dreamboat. I got something for you, doll."
Eloise turned frantically, drew her shotgun, and faced Jacob. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Bizarre? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other curiously for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Jacob lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Jacob chuckled peevishly. "You got a lotta thyroid glands for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Eloise took his hand with a resolute roar. "You know, homie, you're kinda brilliant when you're angry."
Jacob chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another gin fizz," he responded.