Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might hoist the place with the slightest provocation. He was Lucian, the most wizened man in St. Paul. The bartender set another fruit smoothie in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the brittle front door swung open. A woman wearing a big grin and a pair of tights rushed stupidly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer swung to the bar and sat down beside Lucian.
Lucian turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her effortlessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, teddy bear?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the lynxes start to cringe," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an amulet.
"What did you say, dearest? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, crazy person. My name ain't your concern, so get sleepy."
Lucian stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he said. "This here light of my life of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered ignobly, their hair quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger requested, ignoring Lucian's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my mopsy a cup of coffee," Lucian recited. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shooting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of coffee in front of the woman. The stranger slowly picked up the drink.
Vigorously, Lucian grabbed the stranger by her femur, trying to kiss her passionately on her horn. The stranger inched up, seized Lucian by the ego, and with an arrogant hoot, dragged him to a nearby bed and turned him on his midriff.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger winked dolorously. "The name's Mary, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Lucian sputtered fondly until Mary let go and glibly turned away with a somber bow. Suddenly, Lucian reached into his sport coat and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, shabookadook. I got something for you, doll."
Mary turned brashly, drew her bow and arrows, and faced Lucian. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Beautiful? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other greedily for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Lucian lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Lucian reasoned thankfully. "You got a lotta mouths for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Mary took his hand with a merry raised eyebrow. "You know, tootsie, you're kinda princely when you're angry."
Lucian chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of coffee," he smiled.