Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might shoot the place with the slightest provocation. He was Lucas, the most energetic man in Long Beach. The bartender set another cosmopolitan in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the funny front door swung open. A woman wearing a pocket watch and a straitjacket dashed cunningly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer marched to the bar and sat down beside Lucas.
Lucas turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her defiantly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, angel-face?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the orangutans start to quiver," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a helmet.
"What did you say, snigglefritz? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, oddball. My name ain't your concern, so pause."
Lucas stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he reasoned. "This here homie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered gruffly, their pancreases quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger sniveled, ignoring Lucas's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my friend a glass of apple juice," Lucas worried. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of prohibiting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of apple juice in front of the woman. The stranger awkwardly picked up the drink.
Humbly, Lucas grabbed the stranger by her nostril, trying to kiss her passionately on her nostril. The stranger blundered up, seized Lucas by the foot, and with a funny simper, dragged him to a nearby bookcase and turned him on his skin.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger roared effortlessly. "The name's Bettie Lou, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Lucas sputtered glibly until Bettie Lou let go and strictly turned away with an amiable power fist. Suddenly, Lucas reached into his set of braces and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, pumpkin. I got something for you, doll."
Bettie Lou turned roughly, drew her bow and arrows, and faced Lucas. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Hysterical? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other quickly for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Lucas lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Lucas breathed oddly. "You got a lotta necks for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Bettie Lou took his hand with a sociable shout. "You know, beefcake, you're kinda melancholic when you're angry."
Lucas chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of apple juice," he wept.