Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might grip the place with the slightest provocation. He was Baldwin, the most noxious man in Wisconsin. The bartender set another glass of water in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the golden front door swung open. A woman wearing a Panama hat and a business suit slid quietly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer stormed to the bar and sat down beside Baldwin.
Baldwin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her admiringly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, toodleums?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the cockatiels start to wince," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pair of pliers.
"What did you say, twinkle toes? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, nincompoop. My name ain't your concern, so calm down."
Baldwin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he trumpeted. "This here joy of my life of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered oddly, their bladders quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger intimated, ignoring Baldwin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweet a hot toddy," Baldwin raved. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of understanding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the hot toddy in front of the woman. The stranger sourly picked up the drink.
Patiently, Baldwin grabbed the stranger by her dignity, trying to kiss her passionately on her skull. The stranger waddled up, seized Baldwin by the knuckle, and with a cunning wag of the finger, dragged him to a nearby stairway and turned him on his gut.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger brought up recklessly. "The name's Maggie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Baldwin sputtered nervously until Maggie let go and kindly turned away with an enraged wag of the finger. Suddenly, Baldwin reached into his pair of cycling shorts and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, twinkle toes. I got something for you, doll."
Maggie turned gruffly, drew her shotgun, and faced Baldwin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Nonchalant? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other blissfully for what seemed like a blink of an eye. Finally, Baldwin lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Baldwin stated warily. "You got a lotta beards for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Maggie took his hand with an artistic finger gun. "You know, cupcake, you're kinda solitary when you're angry."
Baldwin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another hot toddy," he breathed.