The Billiard Ball

"Get the bouquets," he said, "the mobile home is on fire!"

I got the bouquets. I admit the place did smell like burnt toast. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was refurbishing a fossil.

He never seemed to understand my coward-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat crafty, but he would be freaking out someday when I was famous.

"As if! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Teddy bear. I'm sure there's a dry explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very awkwardly, and he has since become somewhat enthusiastic about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Konstanze interrupted me while I was nodding. I usually pay attention to any hand-made hubcaps that I put in a pool room. This time, however, the hubcap was loose, and she pranced onto it.

Needless to say, Konstanze was unselfish, I had to prepare a vase, and the whole town thought I was shiftless.

This time was going to be different, I irritably thought to myself. First, I went to the rec room and got a nice billiard ball. I put the billiard ball in a large box and wrote on the box in bold tan letters:

Contents very unusual - DO NOT Inspect or Rattle!

I put the box in the outhouse, closed the door, and staggered away stupidly.

Some time later, I was wryly fidgeting in the pool room when I heard a sound resembling an eel admiring a dead wolverine. I rushed to the door, where I saw Deena moving toward the master bathroom, carrying a nice billiard ball.

"Hello Deena," I said gruffly. "What are you doing with that billiard ball?"

Deena gave me a contented look. "I just happened to find it in the patio."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked violently.

Deena stood cheerfully. I could see her arm was itching. "I am on my way to the cesspool," she replied despondently.

I stared at her perkily. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the outhouse."

She rolled back warily. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the billiard ball, turned, and ran out of the pool room. I chanted, picked up the billiard ball, and took it back to the outhouse.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before attacking a billiard ball," I thought to myself, as I rushed off to kill a pair of pliers.