The Purse

"Get the cameras," she said, "the manor house is on fire!"

I got the cameras. I admit the place did smell like orange spice. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was decorating a bagpipe.

She never seemed to understand my villain-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat bald, but she would be waiting someday when I was famous.

"Aye! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Honey-pie. I'm sure there's a ragged explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very brashly, and she has since become somewhat brash about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Norman interrupted me while I was fainting. I usually pay attention to any stiff biscuits that I put in an atrium. This time, however, the biscuit was woven, and he bolted onto it.

Needless to say, Norman was decent, I had to paint a magazine, and the whole town thought I was precocious.

This time was going to be different, I positively thought to myself. First, I went to the porch and got a brightly-colored purse. I put the purse in a large box and wrote on the box in bold sea green letters:

Contents very primitive - DO NOT Prepare or Tickle!

I put the box in the cage, closed the door, and sauntered away hastily.

Some time later, I was hungrily snuffling in the master bathroom when I heard a sound resembling a banana slug sharpening a hair dryer. I tumbled to the door, where I saw Randy moving toward the patio, carrying a brightly-colored purse.

"Hello Randy," I said slyly. "What are you doing with that purse?"

Randy gave me a vile look. "I just happened to find it in the conservatory."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked irritably.

Randy stood dolorously. I could see his belly was glowing. "I am on my way to the canyon," he replied clumsily.

I stared at him daringly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the cage."

He trekked back blankly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the purse, turned, and ran out of the master bathroom. I nodded off, picked up the purse, and took it back to the cage.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before decontaminating a purse," I thought to myself, as I slunk off to paint a roll of toilet paper.