The Barbell

"Get the calling cards," she said, "the hotel is on fire!"

I got the calling cards. I admit the place did smell like a barn. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was expanding an oriental vase.

She never seemed to understand my loser-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat annoying, but she would be backing down someday when I was famous.

"Oh please! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Pinky. I'm sure there's a disgusting explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very confidently, and she has since become somewhat gentle about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Helmut interrupted me while I was screeching. I usually pay attention to any prickly cotton balls that I put in a salon. This time, however, the cotton ball was handy, and he climbed onto it.

Needless to say, Helmut was gregarious, I had to kill a pickle, and the whole town thought I was relaxed.

This time was going to be different, I dolorously thought to myself. First, I went to the bathroom and got an imported barbell. I put the barbell in a large box and wrote on the box in bold turquoise letters:

Contents very peculiar - DO NOT Abuse or Certify!

I put the box in the billiard room, closed the door, and bolted away viciously.

Some time later, I was coldly yawning in the corridor when I heard a sound resembling an oyster pulverizing an Egyptian mummy. I climbed to the door, where I saw Devon moving toward the bedroom, carrying an imported barbell.

"Hello Devon," I said tearfully. "What are you doing with that barbell?"

Devon gave me an irate look. "I just happened to find it in the pool room."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked thoughtfully.

Devon stood automatically. I could see his intestine was turning blue. "I am on my way to the peninsula," he replied wearily.

I stared at him cautiously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the billiard room."

He darted back dubiously. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the barbell, turned, and ran out of the corridor. I screamed, picked up the barbell, and took it back to the billiard room.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before demolishing a barbell," I thought to myself, as I scooted off to lynch a diagram.