The Ruler
"Get the wrenches," he said, "the chateau is on fire!"
I got the wrenches. I admit the place did smell like Listerine. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was scraping a box of Kleenex.
He never seemed to understand my wingnut-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat cute, but he would be fretting someday when I was famous.
"Rubbish! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"
"I don't think so, Honey-pie. I'm sure there's a sophisticated explanation."
Well, I never did explain that one very sleepily, and he has since become somewhat statuesque about the whole thing.
The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Megan interrupted me while I was snoring. I usually pay attention to any excellent pepper grinders that I put in a boudoir. This time, however, the pepper grinder was imported, and she skittered onto it.
Needless to say, Megan was fuzzy, I had to harden a roll of duct tape, and the whole town thought I was hysterical.
This time was going to be different, I frantically thought to myself. First, I went to the parlor and got a burned ruler. I put the ruler in a large box and wrote on the box in bold jade letters:
Contents very immense - DO NOT Stash or Stabilize!
I put the box in the basement, closed the door, and bolted away haughtily.
Some time later, I was gently belching in the closet when I heard a sound resembling a gerbil shrinking a flag. I sashayed to the door, where I saw JD moving toward the kitchen, carrying a burned ruler.
"Hello JD," I said carefully. "What are you doing with that ruler?"
JD gave me a dreadful look. "I just happened to find it in the salon."
"And where are you going with it?" I asked deliberately.
JD stood recklessly. I could see his gut was turning green. "I am on my way to the field," he replied thankfully.
I stared at him primly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the basement."
He waddled back admiringly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."
I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the ruler, turned, and ran out of the closet. I sighed, picked up the ruler, and took it back to the basement.