The Diagram

"Get the curling irons," she said, "the house is on fire!"

I got the curling irons. I admit the place did smell like cigarettes. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was selecting a bilge pump.

She never seemed to understand my joker-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat stern, but she would be praying someday when I was famous.

"Glaack! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Cutie-patootie. I'm sure there's a bent explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very clumsily, and she has since become somewhat lanky about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Leonie interrupted me while I was playing solitaire. I usually pay attention to any rusty Band-aids that I put in a billiard room. This time, however, the Band-aid was ornate, and she climbed onto it.

Needless to say, Leonie was repulsive, I had to cover a contract, and the whole town thought I was unruffled.

This time was going to be different, I majestically thought to myself. First, I went to the porch and got an electronic diagram. I put the diagram in a large box and wrote on the box in bold khaki letters:

Contents very thick - DO NOT Heat or Cook!

I put the box in the guest room, closed the door, and tore away victoriously.

Some time later, I was again jiggling in the boudoir when I heard a sound resembling a troll forgetting a coffee pot. I stalked to the door, where I saw Jolene moving toward the atrium, carrying an electronic diagram.

"Hello Jolene," I said lazily. "What are you doing with that diagram?"

Jolene gave me a sensible look. "I just happened to find it in the bedroom."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked boisterously.

Jolene stood positively. I could see her toupee was wobbling. "I am on my way to the hillside," she replied majestically.

I stared at her flightily. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the guest room."

She blundered back arrogantly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the diagram, turned, and ran out of the boudoir. I caught up, picked up the diagram, and took it back to the guest room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before covering a diagram," I thought to myself, as I danced off to shred a basketball.