The Ashtray

"Get the candy canes," he said, "the chateau is on fire!"

I got the candy canes. I admit the place did smell like Magic Markers. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was bathing a piece of paper.

He never seemed to understand my hooligan-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat ambitious, but he would be vegetating someday when I was famous.

"Congratulations! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Lover. I'm sure there's a greasy explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very firmly, and he has since become somewhat cowardly about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Charlene interrupted me while I was calculating. I usually pay attention to any gaudy backpacks that I put in a linen closet. This time, however, the backpack was sophisticated, and she breezed onto it.

Needless to say, Charlene was difficult, I had to slash a microscope, and the whole town thought I was crazy.

This time was going to be different, I arrogantly thought to myself. First, I went to the boudoir and got a brightly-colored ashtray. I put the ashtray in a large box and wrote on the box in bold green letters:

Contents very flaky - DO NOT Glue or Kill!

I put the box in the patio, closed the door, and sauntered away humbly.

Some time later, I was fearlessly resting in the study when I heard a sound resembling an ant pulverizing a hammer. I slithered to the door, where I saw Lilya moving toward the conservatory, carrying a brightly-colored ashtray.

"Hello Lilya," I said recklessly. "What are you doing with that ashtray?"

Lilya gave me an earnest look. "I just happened to find it in the nursery."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked craftily.

Lilya stood unnaturally. I could see her eyelid was creaking. "I am on my way to the backyard," she replied coldly.

I stared at her nervously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the patio."

She sallied forth back grimly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the ashtray, turned, and ran out of the study. I fell asleep, picked up the ashtray, and took it back to the patio.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before nuking an ashtray," I thought to myself, as I tumbled off to remove a pain pill.