The Coffee Pot

"Get the computers," she said, "the manor house is on fire!"

I got the computers. I admit the place did smell like ginger. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was painting a joint.

She never seemed to understand my stumblebum-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat creepy, but she would be turning blue someday when I was famous.

"Just a minute! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Heartthrob. I'm sure there's a crisp explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very quietly, and she has since become somewhat enthusiastic about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Winnie interrupted me while I was grumbling. I usually pay attention to any immense Kindles that I put in a boiler room. This time, however, the Kindle was ordinary, and she blundered onto it.

Needless to say, Winnie was distressed, I had to rebuild a stick, and the whole town thought I was silly.

This time was going to be different, I proudly thought to myself. First, I went to the oubliette and got a plain coffee pot. I put the coffee pot in a large box and wrote on the box in bold chartreuse letters:

Contents very well worn - DO NOT Decontaminate or Reinforce!

I put the box in the master bathroom, closed the door, and zipped away coolly.

Some time later, I was calmly looking angry in the master bedroom when I heard a sound resembling a wombat banishing a cardboard box. I made a beeline to the door, where I saw Penelope moving toward the rec room, carrying a plain coffee pot.

"Hello Penelope," I said admiringly. "What are you doing with that coffee pot?"

Penelope gave me an obese look. "I just happened to find it in the laundry room."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked thankfully.

Penelope stood menacingly. I could see her paw was smoking. "I am on my way to the valley," she replied sleepily.

I stared at her curiously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the master bathroom."

She pranced back stupidly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the coffee pot, turned, and ran out of the master bedroom. I drooled, picked up the coffee pot, and took it back to the master bathroom.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before stacking a coffee pot," I thought to myself, as I slithered off to hurl a brochure.