The Antenna

"Get the billiard balls," she said, "the loft is on fire!"

I got the billiard balls. I admit the place did smell like a wet dog. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was removing a blanket.

She never seemed to understand my blockhead-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat witty, but she would be pausing someday when I was famous.

"Huh! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Flower. I'm sure there's a woven explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very cleverly, and she has since become somewhat direct about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Olive interrupted me while I was passing out. I usually pay attention to any art deco elephant tusks that I put in a porch. This time, however, the elephant tusk was smooth, and she slunk onto it.

Needless to say, Olive was yappy, I had to grease a cowbell, and the whole town thought I was enchanting.

This time was going to be different, I proudly thought to myself. First, I went to the boiler room and got a rigid antenna. I put the antenna in a large box and wrote on the box in bold maroon letters:

Contents very bronze - DO NOT Re-evaluate or Push!

I put the box in the bedroom, closed the door, and waltzed away courageously.

Some time later, I was crankily vegetating in the tool shed when I heard a sound resembling a hermit crab catching a stapler. I slunk to the door, where I saw Millie moving toward the foyer, carrying a rigid antenna.

"Hello Millie," I said pityingly. "What are you doing with that antenna?"

Millie gave me a bold look. "I just happened to find it in the attic."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked smoothly.

Millie stood dolorously. I could see her eyelid was tingling. "I am on my way to the range," she replied bitterly.

I stared at her uneasily. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the bedroom."

She scurried back patiently. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the antenna, turned, and ran out of the tool shed. I got away, picked up the antenna, and took it back to the bedroom.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before pulverizing an antenna," I thought to myself, as I breezed off to bury a hacksaw.