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The Doily

doily

"Get the clocks," he said, "the cottage is on fire!"

I got the clocks. I admit the place did smell like tacos. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was reinforcing a stapler.

He never seemed to understand my cootieface-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat vacuous, but he would be vegetating someday when I was famous.

"Ugh! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Honey. I'm sure there's a charming explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very arrogantly, and he has since become somewhat brilliant about the whole thing.

tube of toothpaste

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Charlene interrupted me while I was muttering. I usually pay attention to any nice tubes of toothpaste that I put in a workshop. This time, however, the tube of toothpaste was brightly-colored, and she ran onto it.

Needless to say, Charlene was gargantuan, I had to ruin a pair of knitting needles, and the whole town thought I was obnoxious.

This time was going to be different, I energetically thought to myself. First, I went to the kitchen and got a decrepit doily. I put the doily in a large box and wrote on the box in bold indigo letters:

cardboard box

Contents very shiny - DO NOT Uncover or Prune!

I put the box in the family room, closed the door, and lurched away pityingly.

Some time later, I was suddenly talking in the front porch when I heard a sound resembling a bull wrapping a battery. I sallied forth to the door, where I saw Vicki moving toward the doghouse, carrying a decrepit doily.

"Hello Vicki," I said urgently. "What are you doing with that doily?"

Vicki gave me a slimy look. "I just happened to find it in the conservatory."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked gingerly.

Vicki stood frantically. I could see her hangnail was relaxing. "I am on my way to the badlands area," she replied happily.

I stared at her numbly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the family room."

She set out back speedily. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the doily, turned, and ran out of the front porch. I burbled, picked up the doily, and took it back to the family room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before plucking a doily," I thought to myself, as I paraded off to soften a boomerang.