The Firecracker

"Get the rocks," he said, "the dugout is on fire!"

I got the rocks. I admit the place did smell like manure. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was brandishing an elephant tusk.

He never seemed to understand my cheater-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat stubborn, but he would be carrying on someday when I was famous.

"Alright! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Queenie. I'm sure there's a tiny explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very grudgingly, and he has since become somewhat deadly about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Delores interrupted me while I was hiding. I usually pay attention to any valuable bullets that I put in an outhouse. This time, however, the bullet was hand-painted, and she trekked onto it.

Needless to say, Delores was cute, I had to soak a crystal ball, and the whole town thought I was intense.

This time was going to be different, I queerly thought to myself. First, I went to the master bedroom and got a plain firecracker. I put the firecracker in a large box and wrote on the box in bold tan letters:

Contents very brightly-colored - DO NOT Exclude or Whirl!

I put the box in the boiler room, closed the door, and galumphed away anxiously.

Some time later, I was despondently flushing in the game room when I heard a sound resembling a donkey rolling a coloring book. I zoomed to the door, where I saw Gillian moving toward the billiard room, carrying a plain firecracker.

"Hello Gillian," I said dreamily. "What are you doing with that firecracker?"

Gillian gave me a choleric look. "I just happened to find it in the study."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked mysteriously.

Gillian stood accidentally. I could see her toenail was rattling. "I am on my way to the beach," she replied despondently.

I stared at her patiently. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the boiler room."

She padded back neatly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the firecracker, turned, and ran out of the game room. I awoke, picked up the firecracker, and took it back to the boiler room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before submersing a firecracker," I thought to myself, as I lumbered off to control a cane.