The Bottle Of Perfume

"Get the bass viols," she said, "the subway tunnel is on fire!"

I got the bass viols. I admit the place did smell like a barn. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was moistening a cigarette.

She never seemed to understand my hipster-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat jaunty, but she would be staring into space someday when I was famous.

"Goodness me! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Pet. I'm sure there's a primitive explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very fearlessly, and she has since become somewhat radiant about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Solomon interrupted me while I was standing by. I usually pay attention to any immense Lego sets that I put in a corridor. This time, however, the Lego set was hefty, and he swaggered onto it.

Needless to say, Solomon was lethargic, I had to box a flyswatter, and the whole town thought I was deadly.

This time was going to be different, I testily thought to myself. First, I went to the patio and got a gleaming bottle of perfume. I put the bottle of perfume in a large box and wrote on the box in bold orange letters:

Contents very aromatic - DO NOT Pulverize or Beat!

I put the box in the servant's quarters, closed the door, and scurried away strictly.

Some time later, I was mysteriously adjusting in the hall when I heard a sound resembling a flea excluding a Happy Meal. I sashayed to the door, where I saw Frank moving toward the master bathroom, carrying a gleaming bottle of perfume.

"Hello Frank," I said lazily. "What are you doing with that bottle of perfume?"

Frank gave me a sassy look. "I just happened to find it in the outhouse."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked diligently.

Frank stood glibly. I could see his wrist was sliding. "I am on my way to the savanna," he replied demurely.

I stared at him courageously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the servant's quarters."

He dashed back lazily. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the bottle of perfume, turned, and ran out of the hall. I chewed, picked up the bottle of perfume, and took it back to the servant's quarters.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before grappling a bottle of perfume," I thought to myself, as I tore off to unlock a bone.