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The Ruler


"Get the wrenches," he said, "the chateau is on fire!"

I got the wrenches. I admit the place did smell like Listerine. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was scraping a box of Kleenex.

He never seemed to understand my wingnut-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat cute, but he would be fretting someday when I was famous.

"Rubbish! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Honey-pie. I'm sure there's a sophisticated explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very sleepily, and he has since become somewhat statuesque about the whole thing.

pepper grinder

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Megan interrupted me while I was snoring. I usually pay attention to any excellent pepper grinders that I put in a boudoir. This time, however, the pepper grinder was imported, and she skittered onto it.

Needless to say, Megan was fuzzy, I had to harden a roll of duct tape, and the whole town thought I was hysterical.

This time was going to be different, I frantically thought to myself. First, I went to the parlor and got a burned ruler. I put the ruler in a large box and wrote on the box in bold jade letters:

cardboard box

Contents very immense - DO NOT Stash or Stabilize!

I put the box in the basement, closed the door, and bolted away haughtily.

Some time later, I was gently belching in the closet when I heard a sound resembling a gerbil shrinking a flag. I sashayed to the door, where I saw JD moving toward the kitchen, carrying a burned ruler.

"Hello JD," I said carefully. "What are you doing with that ruler?"

JD gave me a dreadful look. "I just happened to find it in the salon."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked deliberately.

JD stood recklessly. I could see his gut was turning green. "I am on my way to the field," he replied thankfully.

I stared at him primly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the basement."

He waddled back admiringly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the ruler, turned, and ran out of the closet. I sighed, picked up the ruler, and took it back to the basement.