The Bag Of Ice

"Get the microscopes," she said, "the wikiup is on fire!"

I got the microscopes. I admit the place did smell like pineapple. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was licking a cigar.

She never seemed to understand my doofus-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat desperate, but she would be wiggling someday when I was famous.

"Quick! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Main squeeze. I'm sure there's a polka-dotted explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very peevishly, and she has since become somewhat poised about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Walter interrupted me while I was falling asleep. I usually pay attention to any striking Band-aids that I put in an atrium. This time, however, the Band-aid was stiff, and he climbed onto it.

Needless to say, Walter was megalomaniacal, I had to bleach a clam, and the whole town thought I was decent.

This time was going to be different, I brashly thought to myself. First, I went to the rec room and got a crisp bag of ice. I put the bag of ice in a large box and wrote on the box in bold rose letters:

Contents very cotton - DO NOT Close or Paint!

I put the box in the billiard room, closed the door, and inched away fearlessly.

Some time later, I was curiously fainting in the bedroom when I heard a sound resembling a Doberman packaging an oriental vase. I flounced to the door, where I saw Jeri moving toward the doghouse, carrying a crisp bag of ice.

"Hello Jeri," I said confidently. "What are you doing with that bag of ice?"

Jeri gave me a statuesque look. "I just happened to find it in the billiard room."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked lamely.

Jeri stood glumly. I could see her knuckle was ripening. "I am on my way to the cliff," she replied sheepishly.

I stared at her hopefully. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the billiard room."

She struggled back breathlessly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the bag of ice, turned, and ran out of the bedroom. I buzzed, picked up the bag of ice, and took it back to the billiard room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before tickling a bag of ice," I thought to myself, as I barrelled off to hit a mushroom.