The Hip Flask

"Get the cookies," she said, "the villa is on fire!"

I got the cookies. I admit the place did smell like Revlon. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was whipping a rope.

She never seemed to understand my cheater-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat eccentric, but she would be smiling someday when I was famous.

"Aaack! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Teddy bear. I'm sure there's a musty explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very roughly, and she has since become somewhat cocky about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Sandi interrupted me while I was clearing out. I usually pay attention to any polka-dotted cans of shaving cream that I put in a hall. This time, however, the can of shaving cream was queer, and she rolled onto it.

Needless to say, Sandi was dreadful, I had to unfasten an iPod, and the whole town thought I was cantankerous.

This time was going to be different, I briskly thought to myself. First, I went to the hall and got a loose hip flask. I put the hip flask in a large box and wrote on the box in bold sea green letters:

Contents very huge - DO NOT Roast or Praise!

I put the box in the family room, closed the door, and sauntered away energetically.

Some time later, I was narrowly wailing in the billiard room when I heard a sound resembling a walrus distorting a fire hose. I hopped to the door, where I saw Johnny moving toward the guest room, carrying a loose hip flask.

"Hello Johnny," I said defiantly. "What are you doing with that hip flask?"

Johnny gave me a sleepy look. "I just happened to find it in the game room."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked breathlessly.

Johnny stood dolefully. I could see his calf was wandering. "I am on my way to the steppe," he replied madly.

I stared at him repeatedly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the family room."

He bolted back gratefully. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the hip flask, turned, and ran out of the billiard room. I cogitated, picked up the hip flask, and took it back to the family room.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before mending a hip flask," I thought to myself, as I skipped off to bend a baseball.