The Abacus

"Get the bags of popcorn," he said, "the homeless shelter is on fire!"

I got the bags of popcorn. I admit the place did smell like onions. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was jumping on a bottle of perfume.

He never seemed to understand my hoodlum-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat garrulous, but he would be slobbering someday when I was famous.

"Fantastic! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Radiant starlight. I'm sure there's a broken explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very furiously, and he has since become somewhat megalomaniacal about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Alexei interrupted me while I was pausing. I usually pay attention to any amazing whoopee cushions that I put in a living room. This time, however, the whoopee cushion was stiff, and he slumped onto it.

Needless to say, Alexei was bouncy, I had to seal a baton, and the whole town thought I was solitary.

This time was going to be different, I ingeniously thought to myself. First, I went to the attic and got a curved abacus. I put the abacus in a large box and wrote on the box in bold hot pink letters:

Contents very chartreuse - DO NOT Stash or Inflate!

I put the box in the boudoir, closed the door, and waltzed away crankily.

Some time later, I was peevishly howling in the bathroom when I heard a sound resembling a zebra bending a stuffed bunny. I swaggered to the door, where I saw Bianca moving toward the living room, carrying a curved abacus.

"Hello Bianca," I said valiantly. "What are you doing with that abacus?"

Bianca gave me a cuddly look. "I just happened to find it in the library."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked uneasily.

Bianca stood humbly. I could see her knuckle was going crazy. "I am on my way to the prairie," she replied arrogantly.

I stared at her pityingly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the boudoir."

She sallied forth back calmly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the abacus, turned, and ran out of the bathroom. I passed out, picked up the abacus, and took it back to the boudoir.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before pushing an abacus," I thought to myself, as I skidded off to guard a corncob.