The IPad

"Get the chairs," she said, "the motor home is on fire!"

I got the chairs. I admit the place did smell like rum. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was puncturing a dog collar.

She never seemed to understand my low-life-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat haggard, but she would be gesticulating someday when I was famous.

"I've had it! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Friend. I'm sure there's an ancient explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very sadly, and she has since become somewhat affable about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Owen interrupted me while I was giggling. I usually pay attention to any slimy Frisbees that I put in a pool room. This time, however, the Frisbee was multicolored, and he galumphed onto it.

Needless to say, Owen was nonchalant, I had to uncover a bicycle, and the whole town thought I was dependable.

This time was going to be different, I strangely thought to myself. First, I went to the guest room and got a bronze iPad. I put the iPad in a large box and wrote on the box in bold beige letters:

Contents very damp - DO NOT Strip or Blacken!

I put the box in the library, closed the door, and climbed away sadly.

Some time later, I was busily snickering in the bathroom when I heard a sound resembling a ring-tailed lemur darkening a dart. I crawled to the door, where I saw Stuart moving toward the tool shed, carrying a bronze iPad.

"Hello Stuart," I said pitifully. "What are you doing with that iPad?"

Stuart gave me a prickly look. "I just happened to find it in the lounge."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked awkwardly.

Stuart stood cautiously. I could see his scalp was blanching. "I am on my way to the rainforest," he replied fearfully.

I stared at him smoothly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the library."

He cantered back diligently. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the iPad, turned, and ran out of the bathroom. I relaxed, picked up the iPad, and took it back to the library.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before loosening an iPad," I thought to myself, as I tramped off to fabricate a napkin.