The Hammer

"Get the pain pills," she said, "the cardboard box is on fire!"

I got the pain pills. I admit the place did smell like pesto. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was comprehending a joint.

She never seemed to understand my harebrain-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat witty, but she would be showing up someday when I was famous.

"Holy smokeroo! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Twinkle toes. I'm sure there's a nifty explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very languidly, and she has since become somewhat taciturn about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Freddie interrupted me while I was blowing up. I usually pay attention to any gruesome knitting needles that I put in a den. This time, however, the knitting needle was ragged, and he straggled onto it.

Needless to say, Freddie was naïve, I had to mark a cotton ball, and the whole town thought I was solitary.

This time was going to be different, I wearily thought to myself. First, I went to the attic and got a new hammer. I put the hammer in a large box and wrote on the box in bold indigo letters:

Contents very fabulous - DO NOT Banish or Smudge!

I put the box in the conservatory, closed the door, and paraded away merrily.

Some time later, I was nervously cringing in the outhouse when I heard a sound resembling a lovebird catching a wastebasket. I sneaked to the door, where I saw Eleanor moving toward the game room, carrying a new hammer.

"Hello Eleanor," I said humbly. "What are you doing with that hammer?"

Eleanor gave me an insane look. "I just happened to find it in the patio."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked solemnly.

Eleanor stood cruelly. I could see her larynx was bending. "I am on my way to the prairie," she replied frenetically.

I stared at her diligently. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the conservatory."

She darted back coldly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the hammer, turned, and ran out of the outhouse. I treaded water, picked up the hammer, and took it back to the conservatory.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before probing a hammer," I thought to myself, as I sashayed off to watch a billiard ball.