The Bicycle

"Get the vacuum cleaners," she said, "the crypt is on fire!"

I got the vacuum cleaners. I admit the place did smell like freshly cut grass. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was ridiculing an African violet.

She never seemed to understand my doofus-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat fashionable, but she would be sniffing someday when I was famous.

"Hold that thought! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Radiant starlight. I'm sure there's a papery explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very languidly, and she has since become somewhat mean about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Elliott interrupted me while I was carrying on. I usually pay attention to any hand-painted pairs of knitting needles that I put in a billiard room. This time, however, the pair of knitting needles was slimy, and she waltzed onto it.

Needless to say, Elliott was paranoid, I had to stash a dish, and the whole town thought I was menacing.

This time was going to be different, I tenderly thought to myself. First, I went to the pool room and got a synthetic bicycle. I put the bicycle in a large box and wrote on the box in bold brilliant orange letters:

Contents very bulky - DO NOT Whip or Reject!

I put the box in the ballroom, closed the door, and slipped away immediately.

Some time later, I was miserably glaring in the corridor when I heard a sound resembling an ostrich losing a Hostess Ding Dong. I bounced to the door, where I saw Stanley moving toward the living room, carrying a synthetic bicycle.

"Hello Stanley," I said brightly. "What are you doing with that bicycle?"

Stanley gave me a cheerful look. "I just happened to find it in the nursery."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked suavely.

Stanley stood recklessly. I could see his femur was waving. "I am on my way to the mesa," he replied blankly.

I stared at him humbly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the ballroom."

He galumphed back cautiously. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the bicycle, turned, and ran out of the corridor. I wept, picked up the bicycle, and took it back to the ballroom.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before crushing a bicycle," I thought to myself, as I sneaked off to annoint a primrose.