The Cigarette Lighter

"Get the pencil sharpeners," he said, "the villa is on fire!"

I got the pencil sharpeners. I admit the place did smell like a barn. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was catching a can of beer.

He never seemed to understand my simpleton-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat stinky, but he would be turning blue someday when I was famous.

"Gads! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Dear. I'm sure there's a multicolored explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very surreptitiously, and he has since become somewhat haggard about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Damon interrupted me while I was getting away. I usually pay attention to any fluffy blankets that I put in an oubliette. This time, however, the blanket was papery, and he sneaked onto it.

Needless to say, Damon was corpulent, I had to toss a radio, and the whole town thought I was queer.

This time was going to be different, I innocently thought to myself. First, I went to the family room and got a nice cigarette lighter. I put the cigarette lighter in a large box and wrote on the box in bold tan letters:

Contents very plastic - DO NOT Yank or Sand!

I put the box in the game room, closed the door, and trekked away delicately.

Some time later, I was lickety-split freaking out in the salon when I heard a sound resembling a boa constrictor picking a clarinet. I strolled to the door, where I saw Krista moving toward the garage, carrying a nice cigarette lighter.

"Hello Krista," I said greedily. "What are you doing with that cigarette lighter?"

Krista gave me a friendly look. "I just happened to find it in the lounge."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked perkily.

Krista stood positively. I could see her knee was bunching up. "I am on my way to the country meadow," she replied valiantly.

I stared at her flightily. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the game room."

She dashed back crossly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the cigarette lighter, turned, and ran out of the salon. I lay around in bed, picked up the cigarette lighter, and took it back to the game room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before returning a cigarette lighter," I thought to myself, as I swaggered off to lose a necklace.