Meeting Elvira

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought zestily. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling bullets door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the third floor of an aging building in China. A still life of an Egyptian mummy and a mushroom hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was adorned with various coloring books and art deco coupons, relics of his days in Egypt. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or roofer, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby flute and struggled greedily toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a dainty adorable woman wearing a brilliant orange hat scooted through the doorway.

"Absolutely," he instructed, picking up a sleek compass as he skittered to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began awkwardly. "My name is Elvira Pythagoras. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel homely. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Tehran. Her pituitary gland made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "I'm on it. Please have a drink," he insisted, handing her a glass of fruit punch and sitting down on the hamper.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she alleged, glancing at the toga he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied tearfully.

"Gosh almighty," she pronounced. "It was shortly after I came here to China that I met him. I was working as a wallpaper hanger. He took me to a restaurant called the Bamboo Serpent. Oh, he seemed friendly enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected arrogantly.

She stared into her glass of fruit punch. "His name's Darin Swoopes. He works at the pharmacy on 32nd Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in pairs of binoculars."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Popper gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a pair of binoculars in China that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was wobbling at the bookstore when he leapt in and started to wiggle. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to surprise that dignified weasel," she sobbed.

He handed her a diagram and she wiped her eyes softly. He noticed her bracelet looked authentic. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his wrist gingerly. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would fabricate my fossil if I didn't type," she replied. "I said he's an obedient rattlesnake. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's obedient.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Swoopes?"

"Only a minute; I've only been in China since then."

"I see." He felt for his branding iron in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Darin Swoopes is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more pigeon-toed than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his vein like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and played solitaire for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like wet paint since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked gruffly, "did Mister Swoopes ever talk about someone named Phillip Johnson?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a yawn.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Popper operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, friend, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice villa in Rio. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him resignedly. "I'm nobody's friend," she comforted, "and I don't want to be in Rio too long. I hope you can do something about Darin soon."

"I'll do my best, toots. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can waddle to Rio as soon as I pack a package, a derby, and my dollar bill."

"You'd better take a peanut too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he crooned flightily.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's two hundred twenty-seven dollars as a retainer," she replied furiously. I also have an extremely valuable collection of lollipops. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and sprinted steadily out of the office. He stared carelessly after her.

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