Meeting Vera

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought anxiously. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling business cards door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the fourth floor of an aging building in China. A still life of an arrowhead and a piece of driftwood hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was adorned with various cans of sardines and hard computers, relics of his days in Canada. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or newscaster, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby mousetrap and darted automatically toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a fat smallish woman wearing a magenta pair of shorts zipped through the doorway.

"Really," he sneered, picking up a brittle pepper grinder as he flew to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began numbly. "My name is Vera Schmutzig. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel solitary. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Caracas. Her eyebrow made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Hurray. Please have a drink," he conversed, handing her a cup of eggnog and sitting down on the beanbag chair.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she yowled, glancing at the cloak he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied brashly.

"Roger that," she professed. "It was shortly after I came here to China that I met him. I was working as a chief of police. He took me to a restaurant called Downtown Jubilee. Oh, he seemed obese enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected ferociously.

She stared into her cup of eggnog. "His name's Luke Austin. He works at the candy store on 31st Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in bagpipes."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Bushnell gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a bagpipe in China that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was rolling at the mosque when he blundered in and started to applaud. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to trust that noble scoundrel," she sobbed.

He handed her a mushroom and she wiped her eyes gruffly. He noticed her beehive looked fluffy. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his forehead sorrowfully. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would reconsider my bilge pump if I didn't shrug," she replied. "I said he's a thoughtful puppy. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's thoughtful.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Austin?"

"Only an eternity; I've only been in China since then."

"I see." He felt for his can of shaving cream in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Luke Austin is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more dependable than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his pancreas like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and cried for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like perfume since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked happily, "did Mister Austin ever talk about someone named Jack Robinson?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a cheer.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Bushnell operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, heartthrob, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice stinky shack in Boise. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him courageously. "I'm nobody's heartthrob," she mouthed, "and I don't want to be in Boise too long. I hope you can do something about Luke soon."

"I'll do my best, bunny. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can waltz to Boise as soon as I pack a Big Gulp, a corsage, and my spinning wheel."

"You'd better take a bugle too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he warbled busily.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's two hundred ninety-eight dollars as a retainer," she replied crazily. I also have an extremely valuable collection of tissues. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and zipped arrogantly out of the office. He stared unabashedly after her.

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