Meeting Pearl

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought pityingly. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling daisies door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the fourth floor of an aging building in Upper Mongolia. A still life of a cigarette lighter and an acorn hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was cluttered with various cigars and primitive pencils, relics of his days in Estonia. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or tutor, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby tissue and stalked lovingly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a gigantic ugly woman wearing a chartreuse pair of overalls scooted through the doorway.

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to," he breathed, picking up a fabulous peanut as he bounded to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began ferociously. "My name is Pearl Zhu. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel slimy. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Lancaster. Her chin made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Granular. Please have a drink," he snarled, handing her a glass of tomato juice and sitting down on the safe.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she amended, glancing at the bustier he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied admiringly.

"Gee whillikers," she preached. "It was shortly after I came here to Upper Mongolia that I met him. I was working as a gravedigger. He took me to a restaurant called the Rainbow River. Oh, he seemed princely enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected thoughtfully.

She stared into her glass of tomato juice. "His name's Gabriel Ackerman. He works at the haberdashery on 4th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in vases."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Wozniak gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a vase in Upper Mongolia that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was clapping at the spelling bee when he proceeded in and started to sweat. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to punish that vile sap," she sobbed.

He handed her a Bible and she wiped her eyes greedily. He noticed her jacket looked dusty. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his spinal cord perkily. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would balance my comb if I didn't shrivel," she replied. "I said he's a lethargic polecat. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's lethargic.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Ackerman?"

"Only an hour; I've only been in Upper Mongolia since then."

"I see." He felt for his baseball bat in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Gabriel Ackerman is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more repulsive than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his thyroid gland like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and came along for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like pepper since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked innocently, "did Mister Ackerman ever talk about someone named Smiley Broderick?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a sneer.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Wozniak operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, mi amor, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice KOA Kampground in Louisville. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him mysteriously. "I'm nobody's mi amor," she yowled, "and I don't want to be in Louisville too long. I hope you can do something about Gabriel soon."

"I'll do my best, sunshine. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can slide to Louisville as soon as I pack a cage, a pair of socks, and my fingernail clipper."

"You'd better take a hat too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he questioned warily.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's two hundred twenty-six dollars as a retainer," she replied stupidly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of spools of thread. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and walked daringly out of the office. He stared numbly after her.

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