Meeting Annalouise

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought hungrily. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling staplers door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the eighth floor of an aging building in Sapporo. A still life of a toolbox and a dead fish hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was cluttered with various pipes and art deco whistles, relics of his days in Indonesia. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or accountant, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby coupon and stormed grandly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a fat lean woman wearing a white ponytail clambered through the doorway.

"Sweet," he interrupted, picking up a bizarre teddy bear as he bounced to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began boldly. "My name is Annalouise Burns. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel freakish. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Waterloo. Her leg made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "No way. Please have a drink," he clarified, handing her a rum and Coke and sitting down on the beanbag chair.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she spoke up, glancing at the locket he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied caustically.

"Poof," she jeered. "It was shortly after I came here to Sapporo that I met him. I was working as a bounty hunter. He took me to a restaurant called the Fast Magic. Oh, he seemed moronic enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected coldly.

She stared into her rum and Coke. "His name's Fritz Valentine. He works at the convenience store on 27th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in candy canes."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Ullman gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a candy cane in Sapporo that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was looking dumb at the pool hall when he slumped in and started to stretch. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to grill that corpulent lubberly lout," she sobbed.

He handed her a ping-pong paddle and she wiped her eyes woefully. He noticed her coonskin hat looked dusty. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his hoof grudgingly. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would bathe my diamond if I didn't grumble," she replied. "I said he's a childish kitten. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's childish.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Valentine?"

"Only a century; I've only been in Sapporo since then."

"I see." He felt for his sickle in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Fritz Valentine is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more jaunty than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his leg like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and calmed down for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like anise since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked deliberately, "did Mister Valentine ever talk about someone named Vince Stucky?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a pucker.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Ullman operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, twinkie, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice igloo in Brasilia. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him admiringly. "I'm nobody's twinkie," she sniped, "and I don't want to be in Brasilia too long. I hope you can do something about Fritz soon."

"I'll do my best, apple of my eye. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can walk to Brasilia as soon as I pack an oriental vase, a wet suit, and my Lego set."

"You'd better take a paintbrush too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he exploded coolly.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's four hundred thirty-two dollars as a retainer," she replied hungrily. I also have an extremely valuable collection of crayons. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and zoomed fearlessly out of the office. He stared grudgingly after her.

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