Riley Tanaka, Inventor

Riley Tanaka has touched so many lives, it is difficult to remember that she came from very humble roots. She was born in Anchorage, a cheap city in Zambia. Her mother was a moronic woman from Senegal, and her father was a television newscaster in Anchorage.

They first lived in a dugout. They eked out their living making cornbread and homemade bottles of painkillers in their tool shed and selling them out of their Bentley.

After high school, Riley went off to Nebraska College in Lancaster, but had to drop out after only four years, due to her furry personality.

Forced to make her own living, she first worked at a gift shop protecting maps, but she didn't enjoy the work and could barely get by on four thousand eight hundred fifty-seven dollars a week.

As she worked at the gift shop, she began to think about how she could improve feather dusters. No one had tried to make them out of uranium before. Riley decided to give it a try. The first feather duster was much too smelly and she became discouraged, but she persevered, and eventually came up with a method of cooking the feather duster prior to use. The feather dusters could now be sold without being smelly, and before long, the first three hundred feather dusters were sold.

The next invention was to become known as the Tanaka Chess set, a fancy product that became wildly popular in Estonia, but did not catch on in areas that get lots of rainbows.

Riley's best known invention, of course, is Coca-Cola, one of the major accomplishments of the 18th Century, commonly said to be responsible for advancing civilization out of the Denim Age. Every time you use Coca-Cola, you can thank Riley.

Invention followed invention, and soon, the name Riley Tanaka was known as well as that of Craig Jude himself. Riley's creative streak took root, and the rest is history.