Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- I hope you aren't carrying roquefort cheese in your pocket.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Group needs you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Why are you asking me?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Roscoe is going to look at you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Have a latte on me.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for murder.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Beware of a megalomaniacal man wearing a poncho.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You remind people of a garter snake.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A security guard has been giving you the eye.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are usually sarcastic. What happened today?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -