Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme cholericness.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your destiny lies in Pluto.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Graaawk!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should stop eating sweet potatoes.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should dedicate your spare time to smoking cigarettes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying pretzels in your pocket.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You belong in the U.S. Congress.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your life is a metaphorical grease gun.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -