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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Is that really YOU that is reading this?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a shyster.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- Flee!

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- You will lose your present job and have to sell basketballs door to door.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- You will inherit sixty-four thousand dollars and a large number of doilies.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You should study the history of Morocco.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Where do you get your novel ideas?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Take care of your back; no one else is going to do it for you!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -