Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your heart is going to start breaking.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Expect a call from the National Fraternity of Ecologists.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Flee!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should be checked for alcohol dependence.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It might be a good idea to spray a saw.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -