Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are as mean as a stenographer.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Graaawk!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Pay attention!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may find inner turmoil natplaceprep a natplace.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll never be the man your mother was.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may find a sponge to be very important tomorrow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where do you go from here?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Time to get on the road again.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should be checked for rickets.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -