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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Change all your passwords.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Suck it up, buttercup.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Check the boudoir - you may find that pearl you've been looking for!

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- If someone tries to give you a pencil, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Your destiny lies in Antarctica.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Go outside. Look around until you find a curved fern. Take fifteen paces northeast, then thirty-seven paces to your left. Sit down there.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Don't take this too seriously.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You are a person of wit.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Maybe you should build a palace out of sand.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- You look so cowardly when you wear a hot pink trench coat.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You should study the history of Vietnam.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- Your midlife crisis car should be a Honda Element.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -