Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- An aqua beanbag chair would look good in your family room.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Playing chess ought to be your priority for the time being.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do something unusual today. Dye an antenna.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are as sarcastic as a fitness trainer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your lucky number is 354628.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a leopard, and you will be much happier.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Bless your heart!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Be on the lookout for a vile cat.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are reading this.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a napkin.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -