Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are usually fashionable. What happened today?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for being a blithering idiot.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not give up now.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are probably reassuring your friend.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You remind people of a warthog.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell baskets door to door.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -