Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your employer thinks you are too direct.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are usually poised. What happened today?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're absent-minded and your father heckles you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will outgrow your parka.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are taking yourself far too lightly.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Look in the foyer - you may find that pair of scissors you've been looking for!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Flee!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Maybe you should build an apartment out of recycled newspaper.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a squirrel, and you will be much happier.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should consider switching to a career as a dancer.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -