Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You look so sophisticated when you wear a lime-green pair of sweatpants.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You remind people of a zebra.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Maybe you should build a ranch house out of snow.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Keep your extra cash in a teapot this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A nuclear physicist has been giving you the eye.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are moronic and obese.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your palm is going to start freezing.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be reincarnated as a pony, and you will be much happier.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try an email.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -