Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a shyster.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Flee!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell basketballs door to door.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will inherit sixty-four thousand dollars and a large number of doilies.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should study the history of Morocco.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Take care of your back; no one else is going to do it for you!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -