Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should dedicate your spare time to doing origami.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a popcorn shop.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Whatever you try is certain to succeed.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your suave ways.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Group needs you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should study the history of Angola.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do something unusual today. Neglect a bag of groceries.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- The power of fiendishness makes us dependable.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may need to start taking medications for your lip.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should study the history of Indonesia.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -