Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Try wearing a towel tomorrow.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a nun.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your destiny lies in South America.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- This is not a good day to operate on a bear.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take a ride in a Mercedes!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You're colorless and your father stops you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your girlfriend takes Hamburger Helper from strangers.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your funny bone is going to start swelling.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- How long before you come to your senses?
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -