Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a fluffy bit of moss. Take forty-seven paces southwest, then fourteen paces to your left. Sit down there.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will receive a letter from Debbie Myers.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might fill up your bathroom with ribbons.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You could use a cup of bouillon.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your intestine is going to start festering.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Take a ride in a Nissan Maxima!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't take this too seriously.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -