Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are a piece of work.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are reading this.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at The Yellow Chopstick.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your funny bone smells like a rose garden.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It may already be too late.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should be checked for double black plague.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Excellent day for putting apples on a washstand.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -