Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Better ease up on the hamburgers.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It might be a bad idea to kiss a padlock.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should go to Shreveport.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You think today was strange...
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to dinner at The Blazing House of Delights.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Expect a call from the Fire Department.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your destiny lies in Jupiter.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Group needs you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -