Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Iran you've been dreaming about. Leave the ironing board at home!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are more articulate than a lot of people.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Paint a still life of an abacus and an egg shell.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Ask a friend for an egg shell.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Why are you asking me?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will receive a package containing a dry bullet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You might be a good fit in the Quaker Church.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're at the end of the road again.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -