Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may hide from a married person soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Maybe you should build a trough out of gold.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a novelist.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your best friend secretly loves pumpkin pie.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Beware of a conscientious woman wearing a balaclava.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Paint a still life of a contract and a tree branch.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If Tanya stops by, try not to calculate.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -