Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Excellent day for putting crackers on a cupboard.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will soon move to a chalet.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be on the lookout for a restaurant owner carrying a battle axe.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Next Tuesday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will inherit fifty-nine million dollars and a large number of batteries.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a pizza cutter.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A fingernail clipper will come in handy tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -