Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Beware of a crafty woman wearing a tailcoat.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You could use a cup of coffee.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying parmesan cheese in your pocket.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You look good in a sparkly sundress.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Next alternate blue moon will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Pay attention!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Kevin thinks you're acting like a parrot.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might fill up your dining room with gold.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -