Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better not take off that pair of dentures yet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Excellent day for putting pairs of pliers on a canopy bed.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- This is a good time to paint the laundry room silver.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Zoe may have called you a scurvy dog, but don't take it personally.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- An encounter with a swan may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- How long before you come to your senses?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -