Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You would be happier at an art gallery.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If Grover stops by, try not to cringe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is this the best you can do?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find an automatic sea shell. Take nineteen paces northeast, then thirty-four paces to your left. Sit down there.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If your kidney starts looking strange, you should get a hysterectomy.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are as urbane as a prisoner.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You think today was strange...
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will inherit sixty million dollars and a large number of pianos.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will soon begin to scale off.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -