Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Rock will give you a Fidget Spinner for your birthday.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You might find a butterfly in your outhouse.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be on the lookout for a news reporter carrying a barbell.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider carrying a hedge trimmer for your protection.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You became portly because your father berated you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should be checked for ADHD.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A fuchsia chair would look good in your porch.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It's nothing that a little sternness wouldn't help.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A hirsute stranger wearing a flaky burgundy jacket may begin to block you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -