Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Pay attention!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- An encounter with a whale may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may get bitten by a pert caribou.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to a country meadow and look for a fish.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should study the history of Myanmar.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Pay attention!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your boyfriend takes Swiss cheese from strangers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear an amber dirndl.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have been relying on fake news.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -