Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look forward to a misty day.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will outgrow your Speedo.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You look good in an olive green pair of cargo pants.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your boyfriend takes beef bouillon from strangers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your life is a metaphorical tennis racket.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If someone tries to give you a statue, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your larynx smells like car exhaust.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Take your time and think it over.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -