Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Deirdre will give you an Easy-Bake Oven for your birthday.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Man does not live by ramen noodles alone.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will attract bad and haggard people to your home.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- The power of cruelty makes us sociable.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a tendency to be lazy, but you should try to keep it in check.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Take care of your knuckle; no one else is going to do it for you!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are more careful than a lot of people.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -