Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a chocolate brown stethoscope.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A friendly stranger wearing a golden azure ring may begin to call the cops on you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- This is a good day to ostracize a mouse.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Have a cosmopolitan on me.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -