Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your life is a metaphorical magnifying glass.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Luis is going to peck at you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for racketeering.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing she tells you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Graaawk!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your life is a metaphorical telephone.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- The older you get, the more annoying you become.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- When was the last time you spoke to Dave?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Change all your passwords.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -