Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Have a gimlet on me.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your hangnail is going to start calcifying.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- A purple safe would look good in your lounge.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Bless your heart!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take your time and think it over.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You remind people of an ape.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Time to clean up your act.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -