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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- You're at the end of the road again.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Have a Bud Lite on me.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Have a Mojito on me.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- Be on the lookout for an air traffic controller carrying a toolbox.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- You might want to take a piece of sandpaper to your pearl.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- You will outgrow your usefulness.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Your employer thinks you are too amiable.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Consider joining the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -