Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should go home.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Enlist the services of a geologist as soon as possible.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are probably mollifying your mom.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will gain money by a fattening action.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme weariness.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -