Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You think today was strange...
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a disgusting manner.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Now is the time to take that trip to El Salvador you've been dreaming about. Leave the flyswatter at home!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You might want to take a pair of tweezers to your cookie.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to dinner at Double Lounge.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be on the lookout for a nurse carrying a paper airplane.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You could be a master of playing football.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -