Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You don't look so suave with frankfurters in your teeth.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You became nervous because your father bit you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go to a backyard and look for a tree stump.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Is this the best you can do?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your business will assume miniscule proportions.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Someone named Dierdre is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -