Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will attract sober and excitable people to your home.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Have you considered getting a duck-billed platypus as a companion?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are probably hoodwinking your aunt.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Enlist the services of a lecturer as soon as possible.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Why are you asking me?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Keep your extra cash in a barrel this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -