Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A football player has been giving you the eye.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're not done yet.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your mind is a range.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will inherit eighty-seven thousand dollars and a large number of avocados.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should dedicate your spare time to cooking.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for being a blithering idiot.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Mandy may have called you a shrew, but don't take it personally.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have a tendency to be serious, but you should try to keep it in check.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -