Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to get on the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Evette may have called you a drip, but don't take it personally.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will inherit a small part of a seacoast.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be on the lookout for a missionary carrying a hip flask.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will receive a package containing an aromatic candy cane.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't look now, but there is a weasel stalking you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You could use a glass of champagne.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Hunan Hideaway.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your destiny lies in Mars.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -