Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- The power of disorganization makes us cantankerous.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your mind is a dumpster.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will receive a package containing a damp can of beer.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have no life outside social media.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Born to be wild!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -