Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Avoid fishing in the hall tonight.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do not give up now.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might find a hedgehog in your linen closet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You would be happier at a ballet.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have a tendency to be undignified, but you should try to keep it in check.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- The power of ambition makes us enraged.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- When was the last time you spoke to Linda?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Someone named Marya is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -