Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You could use a cup of hot cider.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a pickle.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have won third prize in a beauty contest. Collect $50.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Change all your passwords.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Take care of your pancreas; no one else is going to do it for you!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Doubtful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Doubtful.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Have you considered getting a whale as a companion?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -