Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If your foot starts bunching up, you should get snake oil.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go out to a ball game. You may discover a new passion!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go to a brewery and go wild with your credit card.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Whatever you try is certain to succeed.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Wear a bib so you don't get red wine on your shirt.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should stop eating pickled peppers.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- This is a good time to paint the outhouse sparkly.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -