Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You think today was strange...
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Avoid wind surfing in the atrium tonight.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have no life outside social media.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't look now, but there is a warthog stalking you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What's that smell?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're not done yet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You might be run over by a Saturn.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -