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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Try wearing a towel tomorrow.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a nun.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- Your destiny lies in South America.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- This is not a good day to operate on a bear.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Take a ride in a Mercedes!

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- It was all so different before everything changed.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You're colorless and your father stops you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Your girlfriend takes Hamburger Helper from strangers.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Your funny bone is going to start swelling.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- How long before you come to your senses?

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -