Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Shirley thinks you're a bilge rat.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may excel at skiing.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out front teeth?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You could be a successful telemarketer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a damaged egg shell. Take forty-eight paces northeast, then sixteen paces to your left. Sit down there.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will get what you deserve.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Someone named Lucifer is likely to call you. Find out his real motive before you agree to anything!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't look now, but there is a panda stalking you!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -