Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your eyelid is going to start jiggling.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may excel at gymnastics.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better ease up on the cherries jubilee.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Better ease up on the ice cream.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You would not be a good fit in the Orthodox Church.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Expect a call from Tour guides Anonymous.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You might want to take a pair of pliers to your roll of toilet paper.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -