Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your hairdo smells like new mown hay.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to dinner at Riverside King.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may be divorced within an hour.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your lucky number is 948942.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Expect a call from the NBA.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon move to a quonset hut.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your girlfriend takes catfish stew from strangers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- If you pat a sailor, you will regret it later.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -