Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If your jaw starts rattling, you should get crystal therapy.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Born to be wild!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You look so fierce when you wear an azure pair of sweatpants.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your aim is high and to the left.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a bookstore.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go to a gift shop and go wild with your credit card.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may get bitten by a gallant ghost.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Enlist the services of a delivery driver as soon as possible.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -