Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are a piece of work.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You could be a successful sixth grade teacher.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Jaguar.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You don't look so suave with chopped green pepper in your teeth.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A can of Play Doh may be the best way to occupy your time.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be on the lookout for a doorman carrying a handkerchief.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should consider switching to a career as a huckster.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Wear a bib so you don't get white beans on your shirt.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -