Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have a will that can be influenced by anyone.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your aim is high and to the right.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by anyone.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should earn a degree in botany.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out Adam's apples?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your life is a metaphorical clarinet.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't even consider it.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- This is a good day to kick a boar.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -