Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You became sincere because your mother stung you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Hot diggety dog!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as pop bottles, model airplanes, and antennas.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Bert thinks you're a dummy.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will get what you deserve.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Born to be wild!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have a serious nature.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -