Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Avoid raising Cain in the cage tonight.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A dapper stranger wearing an amazing olive green pair of pajamas may begin to manipulate you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are as energetic as a horse trainer.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Try to develop an understanding of theology and math.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme atrociousness.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your employer thinks you are prissy.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A bungee ball may be the best way to occupy your time.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Next alternate blue moon will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will receive a package containing a crude cardboard box.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -