Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a plane.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It's nothing that a little brashness wouldn't help.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider carrying a street sweeper for your protection.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will be reincarnated as a hornet, and you will be much happier.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be on the lookout for a nervous panther.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will receive a letter from Dianna Pummelly.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If Seth stops by, try not to wince.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may go along with a married person soon.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to a gift shop and go wild with your credit card.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -