Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will be reincarnated as a tapeworm, and you will be much happier.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are probably bamboozling your dad.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will outgrow your poodle skirt.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be on the lookout for a performer carrying a bullet.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may find a hair brush to be very important tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -