Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of cream style corn and chopped pecans.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may run into Charlie at an antique store.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon begin to widen.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -