Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your gall bladder will assume miniscule proportions.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- How's that working out for you?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You belong in the University of Oregon.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be bold and ask Mel for a bat.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a sledgehammer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Keep your extra cash in a dish this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your nose smells like airplane glue.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -