Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your eyelash is going to start sinking.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will be reincarnated as a peacock, and you will be much happier.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may excel at skiing.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a monk.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Time to buy a new carpet.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will inherit forty-five million dollars and a large number of feathers.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Avoid raising rabbits in the living room tonight.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Hot diggety dog!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might fill up your tool shed with slime.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -