Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will attract menacing and muddled people to your home.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Shelley will give you a sock monkey for your birthday.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Try wearing a visor tomorrow.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may get bitten by a fuzzy donkey.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- An encounter with a wolverine may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -