Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You don't look so suave with extra virgin olive oil in your teeth.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Eastern Butcher.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If you disinfect a con artist, you will regret it later.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You would be happier at a basketball game.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A drill will come in handy tomorrow.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Enlist the services of an oboist as soon as possible.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If Bert stops by, try not to burp.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your eye will assume vast proportions.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -