Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Northern Knife.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your best friend secretly loves tortillas.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your present plans will be a success.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be on the lookout for a scientist carrying a vase.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Next time you want to communicate with your boss, try a note.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are weary, and this is your normal state.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Group needs you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will have a short and unpleasant discussion with your mother.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -