Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Next Monday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Pay attention!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You might fill up your library with styrofoam.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a real estate agent.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Hot diggety dog!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a Helmholz resonator.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -