Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A hot pink cushion would look good in your living room.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Look both ways before you type.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of beer and tomatoes.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You could be a successful interpreter.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try to develop an understanding of drama and journalism.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Gourmet Bliss.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Someone named Mickey is likely to call you. Find out his real motive before you agree to anything!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will attract contented and muscular people to your home.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -