Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If your carotid artery starts disintegrating, you should get massage therapy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- An encounter with an ostrich may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a protest sign.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Wear a bib so you don't get prime rib on your shirt.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Beware of a stylish man wearing a toga.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Consider carrying a golf club for your protection.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go outside and gather a basket of fishes. Give them to Robin.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should go home.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -