Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are a piece of work.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Someone named Natalie is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out toenails?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a beauty salon.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You remind people of a rattlesnake.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- When was the last time you spoke to Kelley?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have a talent for making soap.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -