Rewrite this story

Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Better not take off that big red rose yet.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- You might be a good fit in the Congregational Church.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- It's nothing that a little boringness wouldn't help.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Be cautious in your daily affairs.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Be prepared for a visit from a coroner.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Be careful what you ask for.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Your lucky number is 290989.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Have you considered getting a Pekingese as a companion?

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You may get bitten by an agitated gnu.

----------------------------------------

Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

----------------------------------------

- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -