Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A navy blue cupboard would look good in your dungeon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A monstrous stranger wearing an authentic scarlet wizard's hat may begin to educate you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- My, my, look at you!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- How's that working out for you?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Enlist the services of a sword swallower as soon as possible.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out front teeth?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You belong in the International Guild of Handymen.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -