Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Ask a friend for a spittoon.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're not done yet.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of turmeric and wide egg noodles.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might want to take a Q-tip to your pair of pliers.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- This is a good time to paint the foyer white.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be bold and ask Emily for a fishing rod.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your business will assume vast proportions.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- A screwdriver will come in handy tomorrow.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have a cute nature.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- An encounter with a mosquito may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have won third prize in a beauty contest. Collect $20.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -