Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look both ways before you roll.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are a piece of work.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may find a rose to be very important tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- I hope you aren't carrying kosher salt in your pocket.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a plumber.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It may already be too late.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If Susanne stops by, try not to run.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your employer thinks you are disgusting.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have an affable nature.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- There is an 85% chance of tomorrow.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -