Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look both ways before you ruminate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Avoid washing dishes in the laundry room tonight.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should be checked for xenophobia.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are slimier than a lot of people.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Beware of a megalomaniacal man wearing a diaper.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Whatever you try is certain to succeed.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -