Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's nothing that a little dignity wouldn't help.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a maroon pair of sandals.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might want to take a blow torch to your magazine.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your buttocks smells like black pepper.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're not done yet.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Is that hair growing on your neck?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Why are you asking me?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -