Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Have a Bud Lite on me.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Have a Mojito on me.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be on the lookout for an air traffic controller carrying a toolbox.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You might want to take a piece of sandpaper to your pearl.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your employer thinks you are too amiable.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Consider joining the Bureau of Indian Affairs.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -