Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your leg is going to start freezing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Better not look too closely at Lorenzo.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Why are you asking me?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a dinosaur, and you will be much happier.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may run into Toni at a brewery.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A passionate stranger wearing a nice peach straitjacket may begin to smack you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail an auto mechanic.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -