Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a film producer.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Doralene may have called you a nitwit, but don't take it personally.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You might try speech therapy.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What's that smell?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are atrocious, but this is not your normal state.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are a piece of work.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a construction worker.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You belong in the International Brotherhood of Performers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -