Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Change all your passwords.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Check the boudoir - you may find that pearl you've been looking for!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If someone tries to give you a pencil, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your destiny lies in Antarctica.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a curved fern. Take fifteen paces northeast, then thirty-seven paces to your left. Sit down there.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are a person of wit.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Maybe you should build a palace out of sand.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You look so cowardly when you wear a hot pink trench coat.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should study the history of Vietnam.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Honda Element.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -