Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Maybe you should build a chapel out of cookie dough.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't interpret a Bible today.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Excellent day for putting clocks on a water bed.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will look suave wearing a terra cotta Hawaiian shirt.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Ask a friend for a stuffed bunny.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You could use a gin and tonic.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Yes.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will inherit seventy million dollars and a large number of stuffed bunnies.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Born to be wild!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -