Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You belong in the National Endowment for the Preservation of Watering cans.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear an emerald green bomber jacket.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Have you considered getting a butterfly as a companion?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Bless your heart!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should go home.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may take up with a married person soon.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- The older you get, the more colorless you become.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -