Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your bladder smells like mildew.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better not look too closely at Drew.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will get what you deserve.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should consider switching to a career as an investment banker.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as rubber stamps, toolboxes, and telephone books.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Man does not live by fish and chips alone.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go outside. Look around until you find an overgrown leaf. Take forty paces northeast, then twenty paces to your right. Sit down there.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Man does not live by tuna casserole alone.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -