Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A fuchsia water bed would look good in your servant's quarters.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will inherit a small part of a valley.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Consider heading southeast.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Try to develop an understanding of grassland management and evolutionary biology.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go out to a car show. You may discover a new passion!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It may already be too late.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -