Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Ask a friend for a shoe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should dedicate your spare time to taking photographs.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Consider carrying an air freshener for your protection.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Downtown Fortress.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better ease up on the fried okra.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A lime-green table would look good in your porch.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're at the end of the road again.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -