Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are usually cheerful. What happened today?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If someone tries to give you a ping-pong paddle, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go outside and gather a basket of acorns. Give them to Teresa.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should be checked for amnesia.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will soon begin to cramp.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If you consider a pathologist, you will regret it later.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Pay attention!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -