Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Man does not live by fried eggs alone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might fill up your front porch with metal.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Have you considered getting a parakeet as a companion?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Izzy thinks you're a thug.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do something unusual today. Slam a hip flask.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- A Barbie doll may be the best way to occupy your time.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better not put on that sundress yet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- An Easy-Bake Oven may be the best way to occupy your time.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Born to be wild!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -