Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You look good in a camouflage baseball cap.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your present plans will be a success.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's nothing that a little prickliness wouldn't help.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have a radiant nature.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Maybe you should build a sod house out of cotton.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You remind people of a parrot.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Time to buy a new ping-pong table.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Hot diggety dog!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -