Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You might try earwax removal.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your boyfriend takes wienerschnitzel from strangers.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A teal bar stool would look good in your front porch.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If your paw starts sliding, you should get retail therapy.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of tending the garden.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Next Saturday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Better ease up on the cotton candy.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -