Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be on the lookout for a loan officer carrying a crutch.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Better not look too closely at Jamie.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should study the history of the Congo.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You think today was strange...
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Lee may have called you a birdbrain, but don't take it personally.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying kosher salt in your pocket.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't even consider it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Russell will give you a Hula Hoop for your birthday.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -