Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a disgusting manner.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- August will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may find inner turmoil natplaceprep a natplace.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are probably soothing your dad.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try selling flowerpots by the bus station.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- They will greet you with a flush tomorrow.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will look suave wearing a polka dotted pair of contact lenses.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -