Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You could use a cup of Sanka.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will inherit eighteen million dollars and a large number of boomerangs.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Esmeralda may have called you a beast, but don't take it personally.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your life is a metaphorical tablet computer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a blow torch.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- June will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Is that hair growing on your hoof?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're not done yet.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -