Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will receive a letter from Oksana Messina.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a luxurious wolf track. Take eleven paces north, then twenty-seven paces to your right. Sit down there.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may excel at rugby.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A serious stranger wearing a bulky jade sarong may begin to dump you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- The older you get, the more enthusiastic you become.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Rip may have called you a poopyhead, but don't take it personally.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -