Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Look both ways before you rejoice.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Yes.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should earn a degree in mythology.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Time to get on the road again.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It may already be too late.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should stop eating chopped chives.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You could be a successful kindergarten teacher.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for evading arrest.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Next time you want to communicate with your boss, try Instagram.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -