Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- This is a good time to paint the corridor turquoise.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Nissan Maxima.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will soon move to a mobile home.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You could be a master of singing karaoke.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Put some macaroni and cheese and jambalaya on your plate.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -