Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are a piece of work.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- There is a 9% chance of tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will soon move to a treehouse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Citroen.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You don't look so suave with ham in your teeth.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of an ape, the tail of a raccoon, and the face of a mouse.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Time to get on the road again.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Is this the best you can do?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Look forward to a dull day.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -