Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You may encounter a unicorn in a marsh.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Why are you asking me?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Signs point to yes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should study the history of Samoa.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Bless your heart!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Someone named Mirabel Swoopes may take legal action against you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Someone named Lizzie is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are probably arousing your sister.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Wear a bib so you don't get butter on your shirt.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -