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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- If Rico stops by, try to leer.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- You should stop eating ham.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- Your supervisor is thinking about you.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- You should stop eating sourdough.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Tommy may have called you a good-for-nothing, but don't take it personally.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- You have been relying on fake news.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Expect a call from the Communist Party.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Go outside. Look around until you find a coarse piece of driftwood. Take twenty-nine paces west, then forty-five paces to your right. Sit down there.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- Better take a close look at your bank account.


Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.


- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -