Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Susanne may have called you a witch, but don't take it personally.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a talent for snorkeling.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You belong in the Panamanian Parliament.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should study the history of Mozambique.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Have you considered getting a fawn as a companion?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your mind is a landfill.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -