Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are more cantankerous than a lot of people.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are more disgusting than a lot of people.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should consider switching to a career as a set designer.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Maybe you should build a log cabin out of linen.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will look suave wearing a burgundy toga.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -