Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go to a clothing store and go wild with your credit card.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a terra cotta bracelet.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Born to be wild!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- How's that working out for you?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You look good in a white pair of jeans.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -