Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your aim is high and to the left.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try to develop an understanding of Egyptology and communication.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You don't look so suave with spaghetti noodles in your teeth.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Excellent day for putting fishing rods on a chest of drawers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -