Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Consider heading east.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may encounter a walrus natplaceprep a natplace.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might be a good fit in the Northern Methodist Church.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your chest smells like rubbing alcohol.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do something unusual today. Finish a pearl.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You never belonged in the National Football League anyway.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Next time you want to communicate with your boss, try graffiti.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a chicken, and you will be much happier.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You might fill up your salon with limestone.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try to develop an understanding of architecture and the alphabet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may excel at ballet.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -