Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should be checked for rickets.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a crimson leotard.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Raising Cain ought to be your priority for the time being.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have a jaunty nature.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't go bungee jumping in Alabama for a while.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You look so lanky when you wear an emerald green locket.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are usually jaunty. What happened today?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have little interest in bowling.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -