Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should consider switching to a career as a blacksmith.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Check the rec room - you may find that blank check you've been looking for!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should earn a degree in journalism.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are proud and humble.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Helen thinks you're a shrew.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are reading this.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Try to develop an understanding of constitutional law and mechanical engineering.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -