Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Someone named Kelly is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your rib smells like pickles.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your best friend secretly loves fried chicken.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Born to be wild!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- When was the last time you spoke to Phyllis?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should go home.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Graaawk!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -