Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will have a short and unpleasant discussion with your sister.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will receive a letter from Wilma Jude.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will soon move to a house.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may need to start taking medications for your brain.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Doubtful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Expect a call from the World Sisterhood of Sword swallowers.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- October will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -