Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may quarrel with a married person soon.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Bobby is going to fight with you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a woodworker.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a yak, the tail of a cockatiel, and the face of a tsetse fly.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your newest friend thinks you are homely.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A sea green windowsill would look good in your guest room.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Georgia you've been dreaming about. Leave the bag at home!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may embrace a married person soon.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -