Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your destiny lies in Antarctica.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try a medium.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A brown recliner would look good in your hall.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a system administrator.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Bless your heart!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better ease up on the pie a la mode.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Beware of a pensive man wearing a baseball cap.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You would not be a good fit in the Episcopal Church.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -