Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a clam.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a periwinkle pair of knickerbockers.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not give up now.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will receive a letter from Fido Van Hook.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Edith thinks you're acting like a butterfly.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You remind people of a cocker spaniel.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -