Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go to a veld and look for a mushroom.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Lauren thinks you're a crackpot.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might fill up your foyer with axle grease.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Dave will give you a toy piano for your birthday.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You could use a gin sour.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should consider switching to a career as a dancer.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Cats think you smell funny.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -