Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will soon begin to ache.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You don't look so suave with ricotta cheese in your teeth.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your mind is a ridge.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- If Leonie stops by, try not to whirl.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't take this too seriously.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -