Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your mind is a pond.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Have you considered getting a pelican as a companion?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Is that hair growing on your adrenal gland?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by anyone.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go out to a discotheque. You may discover a new passion!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- This is a good day to cuddle a colt.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It's nothing that a little mournfulness wouldn't help.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- The older you get, the more nervous you become.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -