Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Man does not live by chicken pot pie alone.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try wearing a blouse tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It may already be too late.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are dependable, but this is not your normal state.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Man does not live by hors d'oeuvre alone.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A Transformer may be the best way to occupy your time.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for being ugly in public.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Better not take off that tailcoat yet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Time to buy a new washstand.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -