Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Bless your heart!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It's nothing that a little intelligence wouldn't help.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Avoid embroidering in the corridor tonight.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- I hope you aren't carrying clams in your pocket.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Have you considered getting a yeti as a companion?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your mind is a field.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a striped cactus. Take seventeen paces north, then forty-two paces to your left. Sit down there.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a disgusting manner.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- An encounter with a bullfrog may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your life is a metaphorical advertisement.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -