Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Consider carrying a potato masher for your protection.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell ironing boards door to door.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A pea green sofa would look good in your atrium.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should go home.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a delicate stone. Take five paces east, then nine paces to your right. Sit down there.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to a hayfield and look for a fallen tree.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -