Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Wear a bib so you don't get powdered sugar on your shirt.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Time to buy a new counter.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell diaries door to door.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your boyfriend takes crab rangoon from strangers.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Beware of a big woman wearing a cloak.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Hot diggety dog!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may run into Jean at a popcorn shop.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for DWAI.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have no life outside social media.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -