Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your newest friend thinks you are lanky.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'll never be the man your mother was.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should go to Taipei.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- This is a good day to exclude a snipe.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Doubtful.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your business will assume miniscule proportions.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't go skating in New York for a while.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -