Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should consider switching to a career as a dancer.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are creepy and deadly.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for kidnapping.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -