Rewrite this story

Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Your hairdo smells like new mown hay.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Go to dinner at Riverside King.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- You may be divorced within an hour.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Your lucky number is 948942.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Expect a call from the NBA.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- You will soon move to a quonset hut.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Your girlfriend takes catfish stew from strangers.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- If you pat a sailor, you will regret it later.


Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.


- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -