Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- How's that working out for you?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go to an outback and look for a twig.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are usually bold. What happened today?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are as merry as a ship's officer.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You never belonged in the National Organization of Elevator operators anyway.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should consider switching to a career as a cheesemaker.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- How long before you come to your senses?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -