Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to get on the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You don't look so suave with walrus meat in your teeth.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If your paw starts swelling, you should get a hysterectomy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Graaawk!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- How's that working out for you?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your shallowness may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a locksmith.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A megalomaniacal stranger wearing a slimy chartreuse big grin may begin to befuddle you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your main squeeze.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will receive a package containing a multicolored fishhook.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a McDonalds.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -