Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will receive a package containing a crooked coat check ticket.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your best friend secretly loves egg rolls.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Do not give up now.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You remind people of a cheetah.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- November will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You might want to take a circular saw to your hacksaw.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It may already be too late.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are more adorable than a lot of people.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -