Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Time to get on the road again.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You could use a V8.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Consider heading northwest.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do something unusual today. Wallop a sack.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -