Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your girlfriend takes clam chowder from strangers.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You would be happier at a restaurant.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your lucky number is 201431.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Paint a still life of an apple and a maple tree.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be bold and ask Libby for a muffin.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Try wearing a beehive tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -