Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a balalaika player.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are as sexy as an architect.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A coloring book may be the best way to occupy your time.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are witty, and this is your normal state.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell pickles door to door.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If Isaac stops by, try not to raise an eyebrow.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Next alternate blue moon will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Better not put on that hoop skirt yet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are stubby and masculine.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -