Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a rasp.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may run into Diane at a coffee shop.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go to a hill and look for a feather.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- My, my, look at you!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your girlfriend takes Hamburger Helper from strangers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better ease up on the falafel.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You might be run over by a UPS truck.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -