Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- How's that working out for you?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a camel, the tail of a gazelle, and the face of a duck-billed platypus.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- An encounter with a doggie may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will gain money by a fattening action.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $20.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -