Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will soon move to a teepee.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- When was the last time you spoke to Randy?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your lucky number is 440441.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are sillier than a lot of people.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are probably confusing your cousin.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Pay attention!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go out to a concert. You may discover a new passion!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should go home.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a plastic apple tree. Take fifty paces southeast, then forty paces to the northeast. Sit down there.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -