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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- You would be happier at an art gallery.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- If Grover stops by, try not to cringe.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Is this the best you can do?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- Don't beat your head against the wall.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Go outside. Look around until you find an automatic sea shell. Take nineteen paces northeast, then thirty-four paces to your left. Sit down there.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- If your kidney starts looking strange, you should get a hysterectomy.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- You are as urbane as a prisoner.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- You think today was strange...

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You will inherit sixty million dollars and a large number of pianos.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You will soon begin to scale off.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -