Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will look suave wearing a terra cotta Eton jacket.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Paint a still life of a hot potato and a fern.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try wearing a tam o'shanter tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will inherit thirty-eight thousand dollars and a large number of potatoes.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will soon begin to exfoliate.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Signs point to no.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Why are you asking me?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a primitive tree branch. Take twenty-six paces southwest, then sixteen paces to your left. Sit down there.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -