Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Signs point to yes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a prison guard.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have a tendency to be angry, but you should try to keep it in check.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where do you go from here?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as telephones, clipboards, and staplers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Avoid cooking in the hall tonight.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $40.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have a tendency to be merry, but you should try to keep it in check.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Next time you want to communicate with your boss, try sending flowers.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -