Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will soon begin to relax.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Someone named Carl Peterson may take legal action against you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Cats think you smell funny.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Keep your extra cash in a drawer this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You would be happier at a massage parlor.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You remind people of a lion.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Merna thinks you're acting like a turtle.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- The older you get, the more moronic you become.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will inherit a small part of a field.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will outgrow your beard.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -