Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your best friend secretly loves fried okra.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may excel at tennis.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to dinner at The Hidden Feast.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go out to a bridge club. You may discover a new passion!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should be checked for ALS.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better not take off that dirndl yet.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Enlist the services of a colonel as soon as possible.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't jab a camera today.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -