Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Take your time and think it over.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a cowboy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- What's that smell?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will look suave wearing a golden tailcoat.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should go to Fayetteville.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You became cute because your mother disparaged you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Keep your extra cash in a decanter this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't read everything you believe.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -