Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Kristi is going to ridicule you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try selling peace pipes by the furniture store.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- An encounter with a kitten may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Hot diggety dog!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You might find a porcupine in your porch.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Look both ways before you yelp.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Triffid may have called you a goon, but don't take it personally.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A Beanie Baby may be the best way to occupy your time.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Try to develop an understanding of carpentry and cartography.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -