Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your hip smells like chocolate.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If your mouth starts drying up, you should get retail therapy.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Time to buy a new bench.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your attractive ways.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should go to Trenton.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have a talent for skydiving.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Avoid reading in the kitchen tonight.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -