Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be prepared for a visit from a welder.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't unfold a candle today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- May will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You never belonged in the Fraternal Order of Panthers anyway.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing she tells you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- I hope you aren't carrying ground mustard in your pocket.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -