Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's nothing that a little monstrousness wouldn't help.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have little interest in playing shuffleboard.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You remind people of a colt.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to dinner at Singapore Village.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't go playing tennis in Alabama for a while.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A black buffet would look good in your family room.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should take lessons in sunbathing.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- There is a 37% chance of tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of oat bran and codfish pieces.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -