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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- An aqua beanbag chair would look good in your family room.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Playing chess ought to be your priority for the time being.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Do something unusual today. Dye an antenna.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- You are as sarcastic as a fitness trainer.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Your lucky number is 354628.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Where do you get your novel ideas?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You will be reincarnated as a leopard, and you will be much happier.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Bless your heart!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Be on the lookout for a vile cat.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You are reading this.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- It's a good time to go shopping for a napkin.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -