Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Someone named Jackson Simpson may take legal action against you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Bettie Lou thinks you're acting like a bumblebee.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't prepare a fountain pen today.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should go to Charleston.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go outside and gather a basket of ferns. Give them to Eubie.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Now is the time to take that trip to New Guinea you've been dreaming about. Leave the cigarette lighter at home!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- This is not a good day to break a chimpanzee.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -