Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A peddler has been giving you the eye.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying cream style corn in your pocket.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Ask a friend for a chart.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a disgusting tree stump. Take thirty-three paces north, then forty-six paces to your right. Sit down there.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should go to Clodville.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Is this the best you can do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell garbage cans door to door.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your aim is high and to the right.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may encounter an opossum in a village.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -