Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell photographs door to door.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You could use a latte.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take a ride in a rocket pack!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Azalea may have called you a lob-dotterel, but don't take it personally.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -