Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Take a ride in a Mazda 6!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a hermit crab, the tail of a macaque, and the face of a horsie.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You belong in the Fraternal Order of Magpies.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Rip thinks you're acting like a dromedary.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Doubtful.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- I hope you aren't carrying Brussels sprouts in your pocket.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -