Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Where do you go from here?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of dancing.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Time to get on the road again.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon move to a crypt.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may find a pepper grinder to be very important tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- How's that working out for you?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- How long before you come to your senses?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -