Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a paperclip.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Maybe you should build a KOA Kampground out of asphalt.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Candle making ought to be your priority for the time being.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Yes.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where do you go from here?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are lazy, and this is your normal state.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Marilyn thinks you're a cretin.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Time to clean up your act.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -