Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Nicki will give you a Koosh ball for your birthday.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be prepared for a visit from a hit man.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be on the lookout for an undertaker carrying a lemon.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as stones, coins, and paper bags.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are smarter than a lot of people.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may get bitten by a monstrous horse.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Check the attic - you may find that hacksaw you've been looking for!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are sincere and dignified.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your boyfriend takes mulligan stew from strangers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Have you considered getting a rattlesnake as a companion?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -