Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Have a glass of Kool-Aid on me.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a synthetic leaf. Take twenty paces southeast, then forty paces to your right. Sit down there.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should go to Lancaster.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will be reincarnated as an anaconda, and you will be much happier.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If you outwit a gambler, you will regret it later.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You belong in the Cuban Parliament.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying peanuts in your pocket.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will outgrow your bridal gown.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a stack of papers.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have nothing to gain by grappling with Johnny.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Flee!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -