Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Put some mushroom quiche and fried chicken on your plate.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You never belonged in the National Wildlife Federation anyway.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should go to Jacksonville.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You could be a successful restaurant inspector.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may excel at bobsledding.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of chopped chives and pâté de foie gras.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should stop eating fresh mushrooms.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A Matchbox car may be the best way to occupy your time.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -