Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Take your time and think it over.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will soon begin to jam up.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme merriness.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a church key.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A curling iron will come in handy tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You don't look so suave with ramen noodles in your teeth.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Man does not live by mushroom quiche alone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- How's that working out for you?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -