Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to buy a new armoire.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell teapots door to door.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't crush a whistle today.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- What's that smell?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Enlist the services of a peddler as soon as possible.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should take lessons in snuffling.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon begin to jam up.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Have you considered getting a tarantula as a companion?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -