Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your thorax smells like greasepaint.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a watchmaker.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your hairdo is going to start spreading.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Tabitha thinks you're a hell-raiser.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Put some roast Cornish game hen and hot dogs on your plate.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You never belonged in a Congressional committee anyway.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You look good in a carrot-orange coat.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of pears and flour.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -