Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will receive a package containing a gaudy pumpkin.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try to develop an understanding of Esperanto and literature.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be bold and ask Bonnie for a chart.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take a ride in a Firebird!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may excel at ballet.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Have a painkiller on me.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a restaurant inspector.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Try selling thumb drives by the coffee shop.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -