Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do not give up now.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may run into Madalyn at a pizza parlor.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Deng will give you a troll doll for your birthday.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Maybe you should build a KOA Kampground out of fiberglass.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have no life outside social media.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- February will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Check the billiard room - you may find that campaign sign you've been looking for!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -