Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Yes.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You look so obnoxious when you wear a polka dotted set of braces.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your hangnail will assume vast proportions.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might be run over by a cab.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should earn a degree in chemistry.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Look both ways before you come over.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Group needs you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better ease up on the dirty rice.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should be checked for herpes.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Better not put on that pair of cowboy boots yet.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -