Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as pinwheels, needles and thread, and compasses.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of sourdough and shrimp.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your destiny lies in North America.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't look now, but there is a teddy bear stalking you!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Playing video games ought to be your priority for the time being.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -