Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Cats think you smell funny.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should be checked for angina.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are reading this.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be bold and ask Alistair for a yardstick.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a pig, the tail of an opossum, and the face of a dolphin.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Enlist the services of a crime scene investigator as soon as possible.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have a talent for meditating.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- If Marty stops by, try not to cheer up.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -