Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for forgery.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will look suave wearing a navy blue pith helmet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Maybe you should build a houseboat out of slate.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take care of your shoulder; no one else is going to do it for you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Group needs you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are probably confusing your grandfather.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- How's that working out for you?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- If someone tries to give you a basket, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will receive a letter from Greg Bushnell.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -