Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't seize a bone today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Excellent day for putting orchids on a buffet.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Signs point to yes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for hanky-panky.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should stop eating cracker crumbs.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Paint a still life of a notebook and a bit of litter.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a farmer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Is this the best you can do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Try to develop an understanding of theology and economics.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A presumptuous stranger wearing a hand-painted amber body shirt may begin to doubt you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -