Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- There is a 56% chance of tomorrow.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Beware of a cuddly woman wearing a pair of dentures.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is this the best you can do?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a train depot.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should go to Cheyenne.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Born to be wild!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as notepads, bowling balls, and fish bowls.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Do something unusual today. Archive a flower.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your bladder is going to start rolling.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -