Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Botswana you've been dreading. Leave the bottle of perfume at home!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Better ease up on the pancakes.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Samantha is going to indoctrinate you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are reading this.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You might be run over by a MINI convertible.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You think today was strange...
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- This is a good day to reeducate a skunk.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -