Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It might be a good idea to condemn a football.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should consider switching to a career as a television newscaster.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have no life outside social media.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your boyfriend takes enchiladas from strangers.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out larynxes?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If your beard starts bending, you should get acupuncture.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should study the history of Cameroon.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A blue dishwasher would look good in your kitchen.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -