Rewrite this story

Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- You will lose your present job and have to sell abacuses door to door.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- You remind people of a Norway rat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Better not take off that wedding dress yet.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- You are livelier than a lot of people.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Donnie Bob thinks you're a snake.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Do the honorable thing and resign.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- How long before you come to your senses?

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You will be understood by everyone.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You remind people of a newt.


Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.


- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -