Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You might want to take a grease gun to your pair of dice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Group needs you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to a seacoast and look for a piece of driftwood.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Why are you asking me?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Keep your extra cash in a pouch this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -