Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better not take off that big red rose yet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might be a good fit in the Congregational Church.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's nothing that a little boringness wouldn't help.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a coroner.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your lucky number is 290989.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Have you considered getting a Pekingese as a companion?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may get bitten by an agitated gnu.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -