Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will attract fiendish and considerate people to your home.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You would be happier at a Turkish bath.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You look so disorganized when you wear a mauve poodle skirt.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Avoid playing basketball in the living room tonight.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Pay attention!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You could be a successful programmer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- An encounter with a chipmunk may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -