Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You may get bitten by a mean spider.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might want to take a piece of sandpaper to your bicycle.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Have you considered getting a yeti as a companion?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You look so energetic when you wear a scarlet dress.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should earn a degree in oceanography.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a dart.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be on the lookout for a trader carrying a microphone.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -