Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for shoplifting.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You feel the need to fall back on your serious ways.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Check the solarium - you may find that dead basset hound you've been looking for!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a talent for singing.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should go to Chula Vista.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a bodyguard.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Graaawk!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -