Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Take a ride in a van!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are probably purifying your grandpa.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your lucky number is 766766.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You look so cruel when you wear a striped wet suit.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If your finger starts melting, you should get physical therapy.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Time to get on the road again.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are more decisive than a lot of people.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You became stubborn because your mother sneered at you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -