Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your newest friend thinks you are heavyset.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You never belonged in the Humane Society anyway.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should go to Vancouver.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for assault and battery.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a turquoise cape.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You have no life outside social media.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your newest friend thinks you are fierce.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme exuberence.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You might fill up your billiard room with bubbles.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your mind is a housing development.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -