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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Time to get on the road again.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Evette may have called you a drip, but don't take it personally.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- You will inherit a small part of a seacoast.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Be on the lookout for a missionary carrying a hip flask.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- You will receive a package containing an aromatic candy cane.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Don't look now, but there is a weasel stalking you!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- You could use a glass of champagne.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Hunan Hideaway.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Your domestic life may be harmonious.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- Your destiny lies in Mars.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -