Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Do something unusual today. Load a rubber stamp.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A cruel stranger wearing a ruined aquamarine belt may begin to neglect you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Ask a friend for a tissue.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- September will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You remind people of a toad.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Beware of an undignified man wearing a pair of gloves.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a hand-made spring. Take fourteen paces west, then nine paces to your left. Sit down there.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a disgusting manner.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't stash a shovel today.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail an architect.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -