Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Consider heading west.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- An encounter with a manticore may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will gain money by a fattening action.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You would not be a good fit in the Methodist Church.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may get bitten by a nonchalant mouse.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You would not be a good fit in the Christian Church.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You look good in a silver pair of bloomers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -