Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go out to a ballet. You may discover a new passion!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't archive a flute today.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider heading west.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have no life outside social media.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might find an anaconda in your rec room.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will attract stubborn and grizzled people to your home.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your life is a metaphorical abacus.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to a dump and look for a tree stump.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon forget this.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Nancy is going to apologize to you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -