Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are reading this.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be bold and ask Ken for a plaque.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- My, my, look at you!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will look suave wearing an orange bow tie.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for identity theft.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Yes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You might find a horse in your parlor.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be seeing Donnie Bob pretty soon.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Signs point to yes.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -