Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Whatever you try is certain to succeed.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go outside and gather a basket of seed pods. Give them to Upton.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a wallpaper hanger.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should stop eating orange juice.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have no life outside social media.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Have a piña colada on me.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -