Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should earn a degree in math.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go to a grassy knoll and look for a cactus.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Keep your extra cash in a soda bottle this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Pay attention!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If you judge a communist, you will benefit later.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may encounter a tsetse fly in a butte.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your mind is a veld.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will inherit a small part of a seacoast.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should be checked for catalepsy.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -