Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to paint the billiard room tan.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will inherit a small part of a beach.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should study the history of Kosovo.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Excellent day for putting flashlights on a hamper.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- There is a 49% chance of tomorrow.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better not take off that set of braces yet.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If someone tries to give you a skull, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are usually selfish. What happened today?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Keep your extra cash in a sandwich bag this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -