Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- March will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You could use a tequila sunrise.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- This is a good day to praise a worm.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Change all your passwords.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will attract haggard and self-assured people to your home.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Yes.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -