Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You could be a master of playing tennis.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should be checked for heartache.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go out to a blues club. You may discover a new passion!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Is this the best you can do?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Check the tool shed - you may find that baseball bat you've been looking for!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Bless your heart!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your forehead smells like creosote.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a talent for collecting coins.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may encounter a musk-ox in a creek.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Samina thinks you're a stinker.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Someone named Bart is likely to call you. Find out his real motive before you agree to anything!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -