Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You never belonged in the Christian Temperance Union anyway.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme gallantness.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out shins?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be on the lookout for an anemic German Shepherd.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -