Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should take lessons in playing chess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out appendixes?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Pay attention!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should be checked for epilepsy.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Is this the best you can do?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -