Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of vanilla and dark beer.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Godiva is going to trip you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You became statuesque because your mother sanitized you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will have a short and unpleasant discussion with your main squeeze.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You never belonged in the Nurses of the World anyway.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will inherit ninety thousand dollars and a large number of pizzas.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Keep your extra cash in a pan this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are a person of sorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Time to buy a new bookshelf.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -