Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell abacuses door to door.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You remind people of a Norway rat.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Better not take off that wedding dress yet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are livelier than a lot of people.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Donnie Bob thinks you're a snake.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You remind people of a newt.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -