Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- This is a good time to paint the outhouse pea green.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Have an old fashioned on me.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your newest friend thinks you are muscular.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Is this the best you can do?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to a canyon and look for a rock.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'll never be the man your mother was.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will look suave wearing a beige beanie.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be reincarnated as a moose, and you will be much happier.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -