Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your life is a metaphorical padlock.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Time to clean up your act.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should go home.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are probably flummoxing your mommy.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Is this the best you can do?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may get bitten by a spunky monkey.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should be checked for scarlet fever.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are a piece of work.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -