Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Yes.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Try to develop an understanding of theology and Egyptology.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You feel the need to fall back on your hysterical ways.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't even consider it.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Avoid jogging in the outhouse tonight.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -