Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your best friend secretly loves roast Cornish game hen.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Why are you asking me?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Time to buy a new table.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out teeth?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should earn a degree in Moroccan studies.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of garlic and pepper.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to dinner at Midtown Bistro.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You might try cataract surgery.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't look now, but there is an owl stalking you!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -