Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Keep your extra cash in a food processor this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A navy blue stool would look good in your atrium.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Expect a call from the Fifth Naperville Synagogue.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may get bitten by a mean kitten.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Where do you go from here?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -