Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Check the oubliette - you may find that pair of dice you've been looking for!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your aorta smells like wood.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a stunt performer.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Man does not live by chopped liver alone.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go out to a pub. You may discover a new passion!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will inherit fifty-six thousand dollars and a large number of diamonds.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll have a hard time getting Anatoly out of your head.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are reading this.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -