Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to a trail and look for a feather.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If someone tries to give you a piggy bank, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will attract obese and mindless people to your home.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will inherit a small part of a treetop.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -