Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a pink parka.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go outside and gather a basket of maple trees. Give them to Elinor.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a banker.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't even consider it.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Cats think you smell funny.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You might be run over by a Volkswagen Passat.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't even consider it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A proofreader has been giving you the eye.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -