Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should consider switching to a career as a watchmaker.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go to a lakeside and look for an apple tree.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't look now, but there is a raccoon stalking you!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will look suave wearing a jade pair of briefs.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are probably nonplussing your fiancée.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have a talent for playing softball.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You might try a craniotomy.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Consider carrying a butterfly net for your protection.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -