Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If your heart starts waving, you should get a lumpectomy.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will inherit forty-three million dollars and a large number of orchids.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your absent-minded ways.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will soon begin to fall off.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may slam into a divorced person soon.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Paint a still life of a statue and a tree stump.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Signs point to yes.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have a talent for skiing.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -