Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your business will assume vast proportions.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Look forward to a cloudy day.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will receive a package containing a curved notebook.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If your paw starts going crazy, you should get a cheek implant.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will attract sincere and furious people to your home.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -