Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may need to start taking medications for your pituitary gland.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You could use a cappuccino.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell ironing boards door to door.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of frozen peas and hard-cooked eggs.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Graaawk!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should be checked for athlete's foot.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You might find an ant in your front porch.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Change all your passwords.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should go to Bonn.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- If your claw starts acting weird, you should get acupressure.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -