Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have a tendency to be somber, but you should try to keep it in check.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Someone named Eduardo Skye may take legal action against you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Paint a still life of a Bible and a leaf.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Signs point to no.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Consider heading northwest.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your aim is high and to the right.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You might be a good fit in the Algerian Christian Church.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Consider heading southeast.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Why are you asking me?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -