Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A cheesemaker has been giving you the eye.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If your thyroid gland starts fluttering, you should get electroshock therapy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll have a hard time getting Paula out of your head.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Yes.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You're not done yet.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a wombat, the tail of a puma, and the face of a leopard.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You might be a good fit in the Fellowship of the Manatee Church.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may excel at golf.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -