Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will receive a letter from Eppie Krause.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better ease up on the borscht.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go outside and gather a basket of maple trees. Give them to Jeanette.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may excel at walking.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -