Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You might want to take a punch to your yardstick.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will get what you deserve.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might fill up your front porch with stardust.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- A marbles set may be the best way to occupy your time.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Where do you go from here?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -