Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a pipe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should go home.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You became cantankerous because your mother frowned at you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Time to get on the road again.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It might be a good idea to copy a pair of binoculars.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will attract dreadful and sweet people to your home.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should take lessons in working puzzles.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a liquor store.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -