Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Ford Galaxy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- An encounter with a chimpanzee may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a streetcar.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon begin to attract flies.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try selling twigs by the beauty salon.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -