Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Expect a call from the
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be on the lookout for an infantryman carrying a peanut.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do something unusual today. Reconsider a baseball bat.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Beware of a sexy man wearing a pair of boxing gloves.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- The older you get, the more shifty you become.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your hairdo will assume vast proportions.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't even consider it.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are wicked and princely.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Saudi Arabia you've been dreaming about. Leave the bag of groceries at home!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are reading this.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- They will greet you with a simper tomorrow.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -