Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will receive a package containing a fancy Bible.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are probably bamboozling your grandpa.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You might find a panda in your ballroom.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Consider carrying a catheter for your protection.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme insanity.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a duck, the tail of a kitten, and the face of a crab.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- What's that smell?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A hand puppet may be the best way to occupy your time.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme agility.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -