Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your business will assume vast proportions.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Bless your heart!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a pair of scissors.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Put some cinnamon toast and jambalaya on your plate.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You would be happier at a carnival.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Next Saturday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You might be a good fit in the Prairie Saint Church.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should dedicate your spare time to taking photographs.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to a path and look for a bit of litter.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Maybe you should build a wigwam out of brass.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -