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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- They're coming to collect what you owe.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- You look so sophisticated when you wear a lime-green pair of sweatpants.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- You remind people of a zebra.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Maybe you should build a ranch house out of snow.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Keep your extra cash in a teapot this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- A nuclear physicist has been giving you the eye.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- You are moronic and obese.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Your palm is going to start freezing.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You will be reincarnated as a pony, and you will be much happier.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try an email.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -