Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have a talent for reading.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have a tendency to be maniacal, but you should try to keep it in check.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Wear a bib so you don't get extra virgin olive oil on your shirt.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might want to take a wire stripper to your pair of dice.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming an accountant.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't submerse a toothbrush today.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will inherit one thousand dollars and a large number of coins.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -