Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell Kindles door to door.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- My, my, look at you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon begin to cramp.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Flee!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -