Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You may find a pot to be very important tomorrow.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Whatever you try is certain to succeed.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should go to Ho Chi Minh City.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If Marvella stops by, try not to grow up.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You don't look so suave with chili powder in your teeth.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Consider carrying a six-shooter for your protection.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -