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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- You may need to start taking medications for your pituitary gland.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- You could use a cappuccino.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- You will lose your present job and have to sell ironing boards door to door.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Make yourself a smoothie out of frozen peas and hard-cooked eggs.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Graaawk!

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Who says you know what you're talking about?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You should be checked for athlete's foot.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- You might find an ant in your front porch.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Change all your passwords.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You should go to Bonn.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- If your claw starts acting weird, you should get acupressure.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -