Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are garrulous and cuddly.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- The older you get, the more choleric you become.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Excellent day for putting bouquets on a hope chest.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will receive a letter from Kendra Bede.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying green beans in your pocket.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your destiny lies in Jupiter.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Vernon is going to stare at you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -