Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Next Monday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- The older you get, the more witty you become.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should take lessons in fish keeping.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Look both ways before you turn blue.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- An encounter with an antelope may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may encounter a dodo bird in a peninsula.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Flee!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -