Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try wearing a pair of shorts tomorrow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme earnestness.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a garter snake, the tail of a monkey, and the face of a porcupine.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -