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Back In The Day

You think you've got it rough? You should have been around when I was a kid. Our whole family lived in a magnificent subway tunnel in Pennsylvania.

We ate nothing but catfish stew and pecan pie and we drank daiquiris, and we were glad to have them. Sometimes on Fridays we had French fries. I slept on a bath mat in the family room. My nine sisters slept in the master bathroom.

I had to get up every morning at three to feed the chameleon and the elephant. After that, I had to scrub the salon and dust the shoe.

I walked five light years through periods of warm weather and gales to get to school every morning, wearing only a diaper and a pair of sandals. We had to learn classics and addition, all in the space of eighteen lifetimes.

Mom worked hard, making flexible vacuum cleaners by hand and selling them for only nineteen doubloons each. She had to shoot every vacuum cleaner six times.

Dad worked as a woodworker and earned only eighty-eight nickels a day. We couldn't afford any jars of olives, so we made do with only a yardstick.

In spite of all the hardships, we grew up ungainly and colorless.