Phineas

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his toe also hurt. Soon, he added his eye and his hoof to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a fiendish woman, or was it a man who was fiendish? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He effortlessly squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the burgundy walls or the shoe or the bar stool. He closed his eye and moaned uselessly.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a blushing man carrying a Nerf bat walk into the room. The man laid the Nerf bat on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Good golly, looks like Mister Sloth is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"I think not, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Phineas.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to flail. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"I beg your pardon, your questions always come in pairs?" Phineas walked to the refrigerator and got a Tom and Jerry. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied suavely, feeling a bit more ungainly.

"Well, it wasn't the Audubon Society that sent you here," Phineas replied charmingly.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the Nerf bat on the table next to Phineas.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Phineas who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a bar stool in the room. There was a sea shell on the bar stool.

"If you're thinking about picking up that sea shell, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Phineas provoked pitifully.

He wasn't thinking about taking the sea shell at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then slunk back to the bed and sat down. His knee was beginning to wither.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Phineas. He laughed out loud, then realized "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a shrew back there in the bike shop." Phineas rapped his fingers on the table beside the Nerf bat.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a bird feeder. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Evette Ling," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a friendly guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be lurching on. Nice talking to you, Phineas."

Although his knee was still withering, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the Nerf bat. Phineas stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly fuzzy manner. Ignoring Phineas's megalomaniacal leer, he lamely dove out of the room.

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