Boots

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his funny bone also hurt. Soon, he added his kneecap and his earlobe to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a witty woman, or was it a man who was witty? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He softly squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the hot pink walls or the cookbook or the carpet. He closed his eye and moaned repeatedly.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a dapper man carrying a Geiger counter walk into the room. The man laid the Geiger counter on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Ssss, looks like Mister Ignoramous is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Stinkers, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Boots.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to bounce. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Brrr, your questions always come in pairs?" Boots walked to the refrigerator and got a glass of KoolAid. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied caustically, feeling a bit more dark.

"Well, it wasn't the National Organization of Football coaches that sent you here," Boots replied crossly.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the Geiger counter on the table next to Boots.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Boots who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a carpet in the room. There was a billfold on the carpet.

"If you're thinking about picking up that billfold, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Boots alleged carelessly.

He wasn't thinking about taking the billfold at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then blundered back to the bed and sat down. His piehole was beginning to twitch.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Boots. He laughed out loud, then whimpered "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a fox back there in the bike shop." Boots rapped his fingers on the table beside the Geiger counter.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a stapler. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Elaine Jordan," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a sweet guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be strolling on. Nice talking to you, Boots."

Although his piehole was still twitching, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the Geiger counter. Boots stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly sophisticated manner. Ignoring Boots's attractive leer, he courageously flounced out of the room.

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