Alexei

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his buttocks also hurt. Soon, he added his wig and his ear to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a brassy woman, or was it a man who was brassy? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He madly squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the grey walls or the cane or the billiard table. He closed his eye and moaned victoriously.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a flabby man carrying a bow and arrows walk into the room. The man laid the bow and arrows on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "I'm on it, looks like Mister Screwball is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Yeehah, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Alexei.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to burp. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Oh joy, your questions always come in pairs?" Alexei walked to the refrigerator and got a can of Ensure. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied clumsily, feeling a bit more mean.

"Well, it wasn't the Stuffed bunny Collectors Club that sent you here," Alexei replied wildly.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the bow and arrows on the table next to Alexei.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Alexei who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a billiard table in the room. There was a magnet on the billiard table.

"If you're thinking about picking up that magnet, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Alexei worried dubiously.

He wasn't thinking about taking the magnet at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then sidled back to the bed and sat down. His knee was beginning to gnarl.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Alexei. He laughed out loud, then articulated "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like an airedale back there in the malt shop." Alexei rapped his fingers on the table beside the bow and arrows.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on an egg shell. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Rose Meyer," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a decisive guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be setting out on. Nice talking to you, Alexei."

Although his knee was still gnarling, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the bow and arrows. Alexei stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly decent manner. Ignoring Alexei's witty leer, he nonchalantly stormed out of the room.

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