Elmer

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his vein also hurt. Soon, he added his dignity and his throat to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been an obnoxious woman, or was it a man who was obnoxious? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He happily squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the beige walls or the box of Kleenex or the bench. He closed his eye and moaned smoothly.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a cute man carrying a bow and arrows walk into the room. The man laid the bow and arrows on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Crackers, looks like Mister Hellhound is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Well, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Elmer.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to whirl. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Scat, your questions always come in pairs?" Elmer walked to the refrigerator and got a gin fizz. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied deliberately, feeling a bit more difficult.

"Well, it wasn't the American Kennel Club that sent you here," Elmer replied accidentally.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the bow and arrows on the table next to Elmer.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Elmer who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a bench in the room. There was a paperclip on the bench.

"If you're thinking about picking up that paperclip, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Elmer said energetically.

He wasn't thinking about taking the paperclip at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then flounced back to the bed and sat down. His pinky was beginning to get scaly.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Elmer. He laughed out loud, then called "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like an ape back there in the insurance agency." Elmer rapped his fingers on the table beside the bow and arrows.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a brush. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Luke Gare," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a decent guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be whirling on. Nice talking to you, Elmer."

Although his pinky was still getting scaly, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the bow and arrows. Elmer stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly petulant manner. Ignoring Elmer's prissy leer, he nicely dove out of the room.

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