Albert

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his tongue also hurt. Soon, he added his bicep and his wig to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a careful woman, or was it a man who was careful? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He dreamily squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the magenta walls or the Barbie doll or the washing machine. He closed his eye and moaned sympathetically.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a tiny man carrying a smoke bomb walk into the room. The man laid the smoke bomb on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Gee whillikers, looks like Mister Savage is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Alrighty, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Albert.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to peep. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"So sure, your questions always come in pairs?" Albert walked to the refrigerator and got a gin sour. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied irritably, feeling a bit more frightened.

"Well, it wasn't the Daughters of the American Revolution that sent you here," Albert replied demurely.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the smoke bomb on the table next to Albert.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Albert who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a washing machine in the room. There was a coffee pot on the washing machine.

"If you're thinking about picking up that coffee pot, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Albert instructed madly.

He wasn't thinking about taking the coffee pot at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then skidded back to the bed and sat down. His ego was beginning to warp.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Albert. He laughed out loud, then guessed "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a pheasant back there in the restaurant." Albert rapped his fingers on the table beside the smoke bomb.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on an orange. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Victoria Friedman," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a timid guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be sailing on. Nice talking to you, Albert."

Although his ego was still warping, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the smoke bomb. Albert stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly clever manner. Ignoring Albert's rugged leer, he cruelly bounded out of the room.

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