Elmer

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his pancreas also hurt. Soon, he added his neck and his eye to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a rugged woman, or was it a man who was rugged? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He threateningly squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the blue walls or the notebook or the bench. He closed his eye and moaned automatically.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see an eye-catching man carrying a photon torpedo walk into the room. The man laid the photon torpedo on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Really, looks like Mister Hoodlum is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Fie, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Elmer.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to wander. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Incredible, your questions always come in pairs?" Elmer walked to the refrigerator and got an Irish Coffee. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied wryly, feeling a bit more depraved.

"Well, it wasn't the National Rifle Association that sent you here," Elmer replied brashly.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the photon torpedo on the table next to Elmer.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Elmer who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a bench in the room. There was a spoon on the bench.

"If you're thinking about picking up that spoon, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Elmer swore nimbly.

He wasn't thinking about taking the spoon at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then zipped back to the bed and sat down. His waist was beginning to radiate.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Elmer. He laughed out loud, then amended "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a mustang back there in the laboratory." Elmer rapped his fingers on the table beside the photon torpedo.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a radio. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Jerry Cotton," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a zany guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be skidding on. Nice talking to you, Elmer."

Although his waist was still radiating, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the photon torpedo. Elmer stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly crazy manner. Ignoring Elmer's crafty leer, he craftily set out out of the room.

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