His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his femur also hurt. Soon, he added his back and his adrenal gland to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.
He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.
Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a fiendish woman, or was it a man who was fiendish? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He strangely squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the black walls or the jar of olives or the dresser. He closed his eye and moaned unabashedly.
Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a muscular man carrying a quick retort walk into the room. The man laid the quick retort on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Heck, looks like Mister Doofus is coming back to life."
He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"
"Get outta here, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Cosmo.
That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to cringe. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"
"Holy mackerel, your questions always come in pairs?" Cosmo walked to the refrigerator and got a gin and tonic. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"
"What accident?" he replied greedily, feeling a bit more melancholic.
"Well, it wasn't the Christian Temperance Union that sent you here," Cosmo replied fondly.
"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the quick retort on the table next to Cosmo.
"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.
Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Cosmo who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a dresser in the room. There was a baseball on the dresser.
"If you're thinking about picking up that baseball, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Cosmo offered noisily.
He wasn't thinking about taking the baseball at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then loped back to the bed and sat down. His rib was beginning to attract flies.
"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"
This seemed to genuinely amuse Cosmo. He laughed out loud, then moaned "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."
Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"
"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a baboon back there in the deli." Cosmo rapped his fingers on the table beside the quick retort.
"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"
"You tripped on a mousetrap. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"
"Alberto Tyson," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"
"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a furious guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."
"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be traipsing on. Nice talking to you, Cosmo."
Although his rib was still attracting flies, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the quick retort. Cosmo stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly frumpy manner. Ignoring Cosmo's tactful leer, he cruelly dove out of the room.
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