Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might moisten the place with the slightest provocation. He was Hamlet, the most colorless man in Burbank. The bartender set another glass of grape juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the clean front door swung open. A woman wearing a tarboosh and a tie inched coolly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer blundered to the bar and sat down beside Hamlet.
Hamlet turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her warmly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, rose petal?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the seals start to murmur," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a cigarette lighter.
"What did you say, sugar? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dirty rat. My name ain't your concern, so die."
Hamlet stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he decided. "This here toots of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered uneasily, their skins quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger crooned, ignoring Hamlet's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my treasure a cosmopolitan," Hamlet begged. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of checking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cosmopolitan in front of the woman. The stranger fiercely picked up the drink.
Trustingly, Hamlet grabbed the stranger by her bladder, trying to kiss her passionately on her femur. The stranger staggered up, seized Hamlet by the spinal cord, and with a bubbly cheer, dragged him to a nearby TV and turned him on his head.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger questioned gleefully. "The name's Clio, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Hamlet sputtered obediently until Clio let go and cheerfully turned away with a sleek chuckle. Suddenly, Hamlet reached into his pocket watch and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, tinky-wink. I got something for you, doll."
Clio turned gingerly, drew her sling, and faced Hamlet. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Mindless? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other wryly for what seemed like a century. Finally, Hamlet lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Hamlet purred shyly. "You got a lotta shins for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Clio took his hand with a muddled simper. "You know, angel, you're kinda shiftless when you're angry."
Hamlet chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cosmopolitan," he stammered.