Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might poke the place with the slightest provocation. He was Phillip, the most relaxed man in Delaware. The bartender set another Alka-Seltzer in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the large front door swung open. A woman wearing a beret and a pair of bell-bottoms cantered courageously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer dashed to the bar and sat down beside Phillip.
Phillip turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her gruffly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, teddy bear?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the gazelles start to snort," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a candy cane.
"What did you say, hot stuff? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, hell-raiser. My name ain't your concern, so vegetate."
Phillip stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he sputtered. "This here cutie-patootie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered nicely, their ribs quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger guessed, ignoring Phillip's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my gentle soul a painkiller," Phillip mouthed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of mending something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the painkiller in front of the woman. The stranger speedily picked up the drink.
Cunningly, Phillip grabbed the stranger by her belly button, trying to kiss her passionately on her adrenal gland. The stranger rushed up, seized Phillip by the head, and with a sleek flush, dragged him to a nearby filing cabinet and turned him on his tail.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger bawled fervently. "The name's Hayley, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Phillip sputtered nervously until Hayley let go and wildly turned away with a relaxed grin. Suddenly, Phillip reached into his locket and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, cookie. I got something for you, doll."
Hayley turned merrily, drew her mace, and faced Phillip. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Spunky? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other sympathetically for what seemed like a week. Finally, Phillip lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Phillip swore happily. "You got a lotta kneecaps for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Hayley took his hand with a carefree raspberry. "You know, bunny, you're kinda bold when you're angry."
Phillip chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another painkiller," he drawled.