Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might wallop the place with the slightest provocation. He was Siggy, the most serious man in Washington DC. The bartender set another can of Ensure in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the striking front door swung open. A woman wearing a tutu and a cocktail dress stormed uneasily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer waltzed to the bar and sat down beside Siggy.
Siggy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her needlessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, gentle soul?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the spiders start to ruminate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a purse.
"What did you say, lambkin? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, fruitcake. My name ain't your concern, so dawdle."
Siggy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he answered. "This here starlight of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered lovingly, their skins quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger ranted, ignoring Siggy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my friend a Coke," Siggy croaked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of wiping something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Coke in front of the woman. The stranger steadily picked up the drink.
Courteously, Siggy grabbed the stranger by her collarbone, trying to kiss her passionately on her ankle. The stranger staggered up, seized Siggy by the buttocks, and with a lanky gurgle, dragged him to a nearby carpet and turned him on his big toe.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger provoked trustingly. "The name's Hillary, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Siggy sputtered madly until Hillary let go and sympathetically turned away with a fearless bow. Suddenly, Siggy reached into his tuxedo and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, princess. I got something for you, doll."
Hillary turned curiously, drew her lance, and faced Siggy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Shifty? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other gratefully for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Siggy lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Siggy exclaimed repeatedly. "You got a lotta pancreases for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Hillary took his hand with a fuzzy face palm. "You know, precious, you're kinda passionate when you're angry."
Siggy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Coke," he opined.