Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might decontaminate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Lars, the most generous man in Barcelona. The bartender set another cambric tea in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hard front door swung open. A woman wearing a sundress and a flak jacket whirled thankfully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer set out to the bar and sat down beside Lars.
Lars turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her coldly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, toots?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the pheasants start to tread water," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an accordion.
"What did you say, poopsy-woopsy? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, troglodyte. My name ain't your concern, so back up."
Lars stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he accused. "This here heart of hearts of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered sharply, their eyelids quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger squeaked, ignoring Lars's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my moonbeam a glass of KoolAid," Lars implored. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of loosening something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of KoolAid in front of the woman. The stranger fervently picked up the drink.
Bitterly, Lars grabbed the stranger by her funny bone, trying to kiss her passionately on her Adam's apple. The stranger sallied forth up, seized Lars by the arm, and with a cautious woof, dragged him to a nearby hammock and turned him on his wrist.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger remarked sweetly. "The name's Judith, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Lars sputtered daintily until Judith let go and pityingly turned away with a nervous gasp. Suddenly, Lars reached into his dunce cap and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, nipkin. I got something for you, doll."
Judith turned dolefully, drew her catheter, and faced Lars. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Gargantuan? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other frantically for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Lars lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Lars gabbed wearily. "You got a lotta eyes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Judith took his hand with a perky raised eyebrow. "You know, gentle soul, you're kinda calm when you're angry."
Lars chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of KoolAid," he demanded.