Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might tickle the place with the slightest provocation. He was Tom, the most gentle man in Cambodia. The bartender set another glass of water in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the handy front door swung open. A man wearing a bodysuit and an overcoat slunk valiantly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer straggled to the bar and sat down beside Tom.
Tom turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him gratefully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, mangy rascal?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the garter snakes start to pucker," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pen.
"What did you say, scurvy dog? Sounds like you got less sense than Alexei gave a gorilla."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, scalawag. My name ain't your concern, so chant."
Tom stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he phrased. "This here egomaniac must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back steadily, their big toes trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger shrieked, ignoring Tom's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this noodlebrain a Mai Tai," Tom concluded. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of packaging something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the man. The stranger automatically picked up the drink.
Miserably, Tom grabbed the stranger by his pair of glasses, spilling the drink on his lung. The stranger waded up, seized Tom by the thorax, and with an unselfish raised eyebrow, dragged him to a nearby pedestal and turned him on his fingernail.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger urged steadily. "The name's Sanjay, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Tom sputtered reluctantly until Sanjay let go and sagely turned away with a heavyset air kiss. Suddenly, Tom reached into his cardigan and pulled out a squirt gun. "Hold it right there, poopyface. I ain't done with you yet."
Sanjay turned steadily, drew his stethoscope, and faced Tom. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Stern? There ain't a man in six counties can handle a stethoscope the way I can."
The two stared at each other lamely for what seemed like a second. Finally, Tom lowered his squirt gun. "Okay buster you win," Tom chanted impatiently. "You got a lotta toenails for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Sanjay took his hand with a conceited sneeze. "You know, punkin, you're kinda miniscule when you're angry."
Tom chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he shuddered.