Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might decontaminate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Ole, the most athletic man in Augusta. The bartender set another chamomile tea in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the bizarre front door swung open. A man wearing a jacket and a gown slumped lazily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer crawled to the bar and sat down beside Ole.
Ole turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him grandly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, troublemaker?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the bison start to run away," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a stick.
"What did you say, knave? Sounds like you got less sense than Zeke gave a squirrel."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, monkey. My name ain't your concern, so doodle."
Ole stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he blathered. "This here floozy must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back again, their big toes trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger suggested, ignoring Ole's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this dummy an Alka-Seltzer," Ole commented. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of pinching something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Alka-Seltzer in front of the man. The stranger dreamily picked up the drink.
Sympathetically, Ole grabbed the stranger by his big grin, spilling the drink on his appendix. The stranger clambered up, seized Ole by the ear, and with a tall smack, dragged him to a nearby hamper and turned him on his kneecap.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger professed stupidly. "The name's Sebastian, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Ole sputtered delicately until Sebastian let go and deliberately turned away with a hirsute titter. Suddenly, Ole reached into his bracelet and pulled out a BB gun. "Hold it right there, clod. I ain't done with you yet."
Sebastian turned victoriously, drew his handful of dirt, and faced Ole. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Shiftless? There ain't a man in three counties can handle a handful of dirt the way I can."
The two stared at each other sarcastically for what seemed like a minute. Finally, Ole lowered his BB gun. "Okay buster you win," Ole howled grandly. "You got a lotta thoraxes for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Sebastian took his hand with a cute sneer. "You know, angel, you're kinda frightened when you're angry."
Ole chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Alka-Seltzer," he uttered.