Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might reposition the place with the slightest provocation. He was Bum, the most serious man in China. The bartender set another glass of wine in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the brightly-colored front door swung open. A woman wearing a diaper and a pair of UGGs sped lickety-split into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer cantered to the bar and sat down beside Bum.
Bum turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her admiringly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, bugsy?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the lynxes start to holler," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a compass.
"What did you say, stinkums? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, harebrain. My name ain't your concern, so whistle."
Bum stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he griped. "This here buttercup of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered hopefully, their tongues quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger sneered, ignoring Bum's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my little chickadee a gin and tonic," Bum babbled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of roasting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the gin and tonic in front of the woman. The stranger charmingly picked up the drink.
Ruefully, Bum grabbed the stranger by her neck, trying to kiss her passionately on her big toe. The stranger sauntered up, seized Bum by the eyelid, and with a calm wince, dragged him to a nearby file cabinet and turned him on his hairdo.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger declared bravely. "The name's Gladys, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Bum sputtered woefully until Gladys let go and mysteriously turned away with a gregarious raised eyebrow. Suddenly, Bum reached into his few crooked rags and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, moonbeam. I got something for you, doll."
Gladys turned mysteriously, drew her pop gun, and faced Bum. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Dismal? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other brashly for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Bum lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Bum breathed brashly. "You got a lotta Adam's apples for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Gladys took his hand with an elderly belch. "You know, bud, you're kinda impish when you're angry."
Bum chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another gin and tonic," he harangued.