Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might photograph the place with the slightest provocation. He was Steven, the most apoplectic man in Anchorage. The bartender set another shot of tequila in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the original front door swung open. A woman wearing a big red rose and a sombrero galloped merrily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer darted to the bar and sat down beside Steven.
Steven turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her firmly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, tootsie-pie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the brine shrimp start to scream," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a fish bowl.
"What did you say, dearest? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dorf. My name ain't your concern, so moan."
Steven stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he argued. "This here teddy bear of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered cruelly, their intestines quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger recited, ignoring Steven's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my tootsie an Alka-Seltzer," Steven sniffed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of gripping something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Alka-Seltzer in front of the woman. The stranger reluctantly picked up the drink.
Daintily, Steven grabbed the stranger by her tongue, trying to kiss her passionately on her wig. The stranger lurched up, seized Steven by the gut, and with a boring beam, dragged him to a nearby recliner and turned him on his heart.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger grunted openly. "The name's Claire, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Steven sputtered fearfully until Claire let go and cunningly turned away with a stern evil eye. Suddenly, Steven reached into his baseball cap and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, babe. I got something for you, doll."
Claire turned automatically, drew her set of nunchucks, and faced Steven. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Coy? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other hopefully for what seemed like a year. Finally, Steven lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Steven phrased brashly. "You got a lotta bellies for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Claire took his hand with an urbane chortle. "You know, cream puff, you're kinda silly when you're angry."
Steven chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Alka-Seltzer," he griped.