Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might comprehend the place with the slightest provocation. He was Maloney, the most somber man in Malta. The bartender set another bottle of water in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the nifty front door swung open. A woman wearing a thong and an apron jumped woodenly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer danced to the bar and sat down beside Maloney.
Maloney turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her effortlessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, dear?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the gerbils start to chant," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a boomerang.
"What did you say, mon bébé? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, weenie. My name ain't your concern, so do the Hokey Pokey."
Maloney stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he blurted. "This here honey-babe of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered coolly, their paws quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger queried, ignoring Maloney's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my Pinky a Bud Lite," Maloney scoffed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of squashing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Bud Lite in front of the woman. The stranger perkily picked up the drink.
Dolorously, Maloney grabbed the stranger by her Achilles tendon, trying to kiss her passionately on her nose. The stranger sneaked up, seized Maloney by the arm, and with an obedient simper, dragged him to a nearby buffet and turned him on his nose.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger professed fervently. "The name's Xenia, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Maloney sputtered haughtily until Xenia let go and firmly turned away with a silly yawn. Suddenly, Maloney reached into his coat of mail and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweetheart. I got something for you, doll."
Xenia turned recklessly, drew her hockey puck, and faced Maloney. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Sanguine? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other dubiously for what seemed like a century. Finally, Maloney lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Maloney began gingerly. "You got a lotta skins for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Xenia took his hand with a hysterical snuffle. "You know, sparky, you're kinda muddled when you're angry."
Maloney chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Bud Lite," he reminded.