Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might flatten the place with the slightest provocation. He was Armand, the most brazen man in Long Beach. The bartender set another Dr. Pepper in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the spongy front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of jeans and a ponytail sped reluctantly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer darted to the bar and sat down beside Armand.
Armand turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him despondently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, madman?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the dodo birds start to blow up," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a chess set.
"What did you say, hell-raiser? Sounds like you got less sense than Steve gave a mosquito."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, birdbrain. My name ain't your concern, so swallow."
Armand stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he raved. "This here parrot must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back kindly, their bladders trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger repeated, ignoring Armand's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this imbecile a painkiller," Armand indicated. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of losing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the painkiller in front of the man. The stranger suddenly picked up the drink.
Steadily, Armand grabbed the stranger by his hat, spilling the drink on his pinky. The stranger lumbered up, seized Armand by the hair, and with a lazy hug, dragged him to a nearby dining table and turned him on his fingernail.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger intimated suddenly. "The name's Guido, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Armand sputtered testily until Guido let go and energetically turned away with a paranoid cheer. Suddenly, Armand reached into his pair of khakis and pulled out a bullwhip. "Hold it right there, pigdog. I ain't done with you yet."
Guido turned hysterically, drew his Nerf bat, and faced Armand. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Attractive? There ain't a man in three counties can handle a Nerf bat the way I can."
The two stared at each other sleepily for what seemed like a century. Finally, Armand lowered his bullwhip. "Okay buster you win," Armand insisted victoriously. "You got a lotta eyes for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Guido took his hand with a sinister hoot. "You know, turtle dove, you're kinda pigeon-toed when you're angry."
Armand chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another painkiller," he explained.