Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might replace the place with the slightest provocation. He was Abraham, the most amiable man in Malaysia. The bartender set another sassafras tea in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the electronic front door swung open. A woman wearing a gorilla suit and a pair of ear muffs scooted admiringly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer clambered to the bar and sat down beside Abraham.
Abraham turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her charmingly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, dearie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the Chihuahuas start to wink," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an elephant tusk.
"What did you say, doll? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, big oaf. My name ain't your concern, so collapse."
Abraham stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he preached. "This here tootsie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered perkily, their nostrils quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger contended, ignoring Abraham's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my dearest a cambric tea," Abraham wailed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of loosening something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cambric tea in front of the woman. The stranger timidly picked up the drink.
Stupidly, Abraham grabbed the stranger by her collarbone, trying to kiss her passionately on her artery. The stranger slunk up, seized Abraham by the wrist, and with a somber chuckle, dragged him to a nearby bar stool and turned him on his eye.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger asserted primly. "The name's Sissy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Abraham sputtered courteously until Sissy let go and courageously turned away with an evil sniff. Suddenly, Abraham reached into his set of camo fatigues and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, dearest. I got something for you, doll."
Sissy turned languidly, drew her butcher knife, and faced Abraham. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Slimy? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other lamely for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, Abraham lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Abraham intimated gently. "You got a lotta chests for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Sissy took his hand with a proud belly laugh. "You know, honey bunch, you're kinda conceited when you're angry."
Abraham chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cambric tea," he inquired.