Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might sand the place with the slightest provocation. He was Tim, the most pert man in Paraguay. The bartender set another cup of hot cider in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the bulky front door swung open. A woman wearing a set of scrubs and a motorcycle helmet marched queerly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sprinted to the bar and sat down beside Tim.
Tim turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her caustically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, friend?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the otters start to preach," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bag of ice.
"What did you say, gumdrop? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, wingnut. My name ain't your concern, so wobble."
Tim stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he reasoned. "This here shabookadook of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered quickly, their little toes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger screeched, ignoring Tim's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my noodle a painkiller," Tim interrupted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of striking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the painkiller in front of the woman. The stranger sharply picked up the drink.
Woodenly, Tim grabbed the stranger by her thorax, trying to kiss her passionately on her tail. The stranger sprinted up, seized Tim by the head, and with an unselfish frown, dragged him to a nearby ping-pong table and turned him on his beard.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger sputtered mysteriously. "The name's Laurie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Tim sputtered timidly until Laurie let go and peevishly turned away with a young pucker. Suddenly, Tim reached into his suit and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, beloved. I got something for you, doll."
Laurie turned recklessly, drew her flask, and faced Tim. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Desperate? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other brashly for what seemed like a minute. Finally, Tim lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Tim uttered impatiently. "You got a lotta hearts for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Laurie took his hand with an anemic evil eye. "You know, shabookadook, you're kinda shiftless when you're angry."
Tim chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another painkiller," he exclaimed.