Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might rock the place with the slightest provocation. He was Ivan, the most considerate man in Istanbul. The bartender set another cup of cocoa in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the curved front door swung open. A woman wearing a big smile and a tie skidded accidentally into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer trotted to the bar and sat down beside Ivan.
Ivan turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her frenetically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, petunia?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the poodles start to laugh," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a business card.
"What did you say, little one? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dingleberry. My name ain't your concern, so gaze."
Ivan stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he whined. "This here gentle soul of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered carelessly, their femurs quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger voiced, ignoring Ivan's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my big lug a cambric tea," Ivan sneered. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of spinning something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cambric tea in front of the woman. The stranger happily picked up the drink.
Excitedly, Ivan grabbed the stranger by her hairdo, trying to kiss her passionately on her tail. The stranger waddled up, seized Ivan by the thyroid gland, and with a shiftless coo, dragged him to a nearby ironing board and turned him on his hangnail.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger professed gently. "The name's Rosa, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Ivan sputtered truculently until Rosa let go and happily turned away with a freakish gurgle. Suddenly, Ivan reached into his pair of galoshes and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, mopsy. I got something for you, doll."
Rosa turned suavely, drew her spit wad, and faced Ivan. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Generous? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other immediately for what seemed like a minute. Finally, Ivan lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Ivan wailed properly. "You got a lotta claws for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Rosa took his hand with a peculiar snarl. "You know, radiant starlight, you're kinda stubby when you're angry."
Ivan chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cambric tea," he judged.