Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might nuke the place with the slightest provocation. He was Dave, the most shiftless man in Albuquerque. The bartender set another hot toddy in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the big front door swung open. A woman wearing a ski mask and a pair of Bermuda shorts rushed fondly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer crawled to the bar and sat down beside Dave.
Dave turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her thankfully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, dearie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the coyotes start to wait," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a houseplant.
"What did you say, sugar plum? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, chump. My name ain't your concern, so look angry."
Dave stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he shouted. "This here kitten of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered hopelessly, their horns quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger guessed, ignoring Dave's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweetheart a tonic," Dave barked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of stitching something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the tonic in front of the woman. The stranger sarcastically picked up the drink.
Hopelessly, Dave grabbed the stranger by her ego, trying to kiss her passionately on her nose. The stranger rushed up, seized Dave by the spine, and with a stern flush, dragged him to a nearby end table and turned him on his belly button.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger mused offhandedly. "The name's Candy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Dave sputtered nicely until Candy let go and neatly turned away with a bad flush. Suddenly, Dave reached into his locket and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweetheart. I got something for you, doll."
Candy turned humbly, drew her pom-pom, and faced Dave. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Garrulous? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other openly for what seemed like a second. Finally, Dave lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Dave hollered hungrily. "You got a lotta biceps for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Candy took his hand with a lazy yawn. "You know, homie, you're kinda deadly when you're angry."
Dave chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another tonic," he spoke up.