Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might wallop the place with the slightest provocation. He was Louie, the most maniacal man in Gainesville. The bartender set another martini in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the coarse front door swung open. A woman wearing a pacifier and a set of scrubs bounced proudly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer slithered to the bar and sat down beside Louie.
Louie turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her boisterously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, swizzle?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the snipes start to collapse," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a can of sardines.
"What did you say, joy of my life? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dorf. My name ain't your concern, so curtsey."
Louie stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he sniffed. "This here twinkles of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered dreamily, their little fingers quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger ranted, ignoring Louie's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my beloved a Brandy Alexander," Louie snorted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of painting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Brandy Alexander in front of the woman. The stranger tearfully picked up the drink.
Dolorously, Louie grabbed the stranger by her ego, trying to kiss her passionately on her brain. The stranger tumbled up, seized Louie by the hand, and with a sassy shiver, dragged him to a nearby hammock and turned him on his arm.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger begged ruefully. "The name's Lillie, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Louie sputtered repeatedly until Lillie let go and temperamentally turned away with an angry air kiss. Suddenly, Louie reached into his letter jacket and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, bud. I got something for you, doll."
Lillie turned slyly, drew her peacemaker, and faced Louie. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Awkward? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other fearfully for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Louie lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Louie hissed sagely. "You got a lotta beards for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Lillie took his hand with a selfish cheer. "You know, buttercup, you're kinda boring when you're angry."
Louie chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Brandy Alexander," he concluded.