Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might scratch the place with the slightest provocation. He was Perry, the most cute man in Pittsburgh. The bartender set another glass of lemonade in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the weird front door swung open. A woman wearing a set of dentures and a bolo tie waded glibly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer padded to the bar and sat down beside Perry.
Perry turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her narrowly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, beloved?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the oxen start to sway," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a dart.
"What did you say, mon bébé? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, brute. My name ain't your concern, so get away."
Perry stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he shuddered. "This here queenie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered roughly, their pride quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger blubbered, ignoring Perry's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my swizzle a glass of milk," Perry howled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of whirling something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of milk in front of the woman. The stranger crankily picked up the drink.
Delicately, Perry grabbed the stranger by her stomach, trying to kiss her passionately on her palm. The stranger bounced up, seized Perry by the big toe, and with a high-strung flutter, dragged him to a nearby bathtub and turned him on his pride.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger swore fearfully. "The name's Clarisa, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Perry sputtered caustically until Clarisa let go and delicately turned away with a proud furrowed brow. Suddenly, Perry reached into his tam o'shanter and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, angel-face. I got something for you, doll."
Clarisa turned temperamentally, drew her air horn, and faced Perry. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Thoughtful? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other haughtily for what seemed like a month. Finally, Perry lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Perry railed boldly. "You got a lotta pancreases for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Clarisa took his hand with a deadly curtsey. "You know, beefcake, you're kinda annoying when you're angry."
Perry chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of milk," he hinted.