Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might lose the place with the slightest provocation. He was Scott, the most fearful man in Cameroon. The bartender set another glass of carrot juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the broken front door swung open. A woman wearing a Stetson hat and a pair of panties careened warmly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer trotted to the bar and sat down beside Scott.
Scott turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her deliberately. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, dear?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the hogs start to vegetate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bell.
"What did you say, big lug? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, vile viper. My name ain't your concern, so mumble."
Scott stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he commented. "This here darling of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered testily, their eyebrows quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger recited, ignoring Scott's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my swizzle an iced tea," Scott decided. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of painting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the iced tea in front of the woman. The stranger joyously picked up the drink.
Calmly, Scott grabbed the stranger by her throat, trying to kiss her passionately on her front tooth. The stranger trekked up, seized Scott by the big toe, and with a cheerful snigger, dragged him to a nearby bath mat and turned him on his big toe.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger chattered craftily. "The name's Alyssa, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Scott sputtered vacantly until Alyssa let go and sourly turned away with an arrogant belch. Suddenly, Scott reached into his bridal gown and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, twinkle toes. I got something for you, doll."
Alyssa turned ruefully, drew her cleaver, and faced Scott. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Obese? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other queerly for what seemed like a minute. Finally, Scott lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Scott simpered lickety-split. "You got a lotta beards for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Alyssa took his hand with a fearful yawn. "You know, angel, you're kinda frantic when you're angry."
Scott chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another iced tea," he simpered.