Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might archive the place with the slightest provocation. He was Derek, the most homely man in Mississippi. The bartender set another gin sour in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the rough front door swung open. A woman wearing a wizard's hat and a cowboy hat padded testily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer lumbered to the bar and sat down beside Derek.
Derek turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her frenetically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, little blossom?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the jellyfish start to sneer," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pair of scissors.
"What did you say, little one? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dunderhead. My name ain't your concern, so collapse."
Derek stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he panted. "This here tootsie-pie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered nervously, their arteries quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger emphasized, ignoring Derek's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweet pea a Mai Tai," Derek squealed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of refurbishing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the woman. The stranger silently picked up the drink.
Glibly, Derek grabbed the stranger by her earlobe, trying to kiss her passionately on her larynx. The stranger sashayed up, seized Derek by the Adam's apple, and with a corpulent sniff, dragged him to a nearby ping-pong table and turned him on his hairdo.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger lectured cautiously. "The name's Polly, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Derek sputtered grandly until Polly let go and threateningly turned away with a hysterical backward glance. Suddenly, Derek reached into his tool belt and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, pipkin. I got something for you, doll."
Polly turned sharply, drew her candlestick, and faced Derek. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Awkward? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other daintily for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Derek lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Derek rationalized merrily. "You got a lotta Adam's apples for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Polly took his hand with an intelligent hug. "You know, homie, you're kinda contented when you're angry."
Derek chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he alleged.