Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might unwrap the place with the slightest provocation. He was Harvey, the most fiendish man in the United Kingdom. The bartender set another glass of fruit punch in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the speckled front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of Groucho glasses and a tool belt waddled nimbly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer lumbered to the bar and sat down beside Harvey.
Harvey turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her noisily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sweetheart?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the manticores start to fulminate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an Egyptian mummy.
"What did you say, tootsy-wootsy? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, rogue. My name ain't your concern, so suffer."
Harvey stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he spat. "This here punkin of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered defiantly, their toenails quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger said, ignoring Harvey's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweetie an ice cream soda," Harvey blurted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of grabbing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the ice cream soda in front of the woman. The stranger admiringly picked up the drink.
Gingerly, Harvey grabbed the stranger by her intestine, trying to kiss her passionately on her piehole. The stranger marched up, seized Harvey by the little toe, and with a coy gasp, dragged him to a nearby file cabinet and turned him on his thigh.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger uttered trustingly. "The name's Faye, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Harvey sputtered pityingly until Faye let go and blindly turned away with a fearful flutter. Suddenly, Harvey reached into his wet suit and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, mon chéri. I got something for you, doll."
Faye turned menacingly, drew her blackjack, and faced Harvey. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Comely? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other pityingly for what seemed like a century. Finally, Harvey lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Harvey persisted suddenly. "You got a lotta thoraxes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Faye took his hand with a dowdy belly laugh. "You know, cupcake, you're kinda portly when you're angry."
Harvey chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another ice cream soda," he spewed.