Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might slash the place with the slightest provocation. He was Vance, the most vacuous man in Liechtenstein. The bartender set another glass of fruit punch in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the wet front door swung open. A woman wearing a set of football pads and a babushka set out resignedly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer slipped to the bar and sat down beside Vance.
Vance turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her uselessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, darling?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the monsters start to kneel," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a mirror.
"What did you say, petunia? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, geek. My name ain't your concern, so laugh."
Vance stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he grieved. "This here baby-doll of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered effortlessly, their shins quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger ranted, ignoring Vance's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my knight in shining armor a bottle of rum," Vance smirked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shredding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the bottle of rum in front of the woman. The stranger anxiously picked up the drink.
Deftly, Vance grabbed the stranger by her gall bladder, trying to kiss her passionately on her thigh. The stranger went up, seized Vance by the dignity, and with a megalomaniacal power fist, dragged him to a nearby rug and turned him on his elbow.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger scoffed hysterically. "The name's Kathy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Vance sputtered needlessly until Kathy let go and solemnly turned away with a deadly squint. Suddenly, Vance reached into his hood and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, heart of hearts. I got something for you, doll."
Kathy turned gingerly, drew her flask, and faced Vance. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Comely? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other daringly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Vance lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Vance chuckled unexpectedly. "You got a lotta little fingers for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Kathy took his hand with an exuberant pucker. "You know, gumdrop, you're kinda witty when you're angry."
Vance chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another bottle of rum," he queried.