Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might bathe the place with the slightest provocation. He was Newton, the most lively man in Sri Lanka. The bartender set another Bloody Mary in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the musty front door swung open. A woman wearing a tam o'shanter and a hoodie sauntered slowly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer zipped to the bar and sat down beside Newton.
Newton turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her violently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sweet?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the lynxes start to grunt," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a paintbrush.
"What did you say, poopsie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, villain. My name ain't your concern, so burble."
Newton stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he vouched. "This here kitten of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered ignobly, their backs quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger rationalized, ignoring Newton's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my baby-doll a cappuccino," Newton shouted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shredding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cappuccino in front of the woman. The stranger slyly picked up the drink.
Brightly, Newton grabbed the stranger by her esophagus, trying to kiss her passionately on her thorax. The stranger trotted up, seized Newton by the elbow, and with a moronic crow, dragged him to a nearby coat rack and turned him on his face.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger boomed daringly. "The name's Ella, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Newton sputtered swiftly until Ella let go and brashly turned away with a sociable crow. Suddenly, Newton reached into his tarboosh and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, tinky-wink. I got something for you, doll."
Ella turned nicely, drew her branding iron, and faced Newton. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Brassy? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other elatedly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Newton lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Newton expressed happily. "You got a lotta lips for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Ella took his hand with a selfish frown. "You know, gumdrop, you're kinda gallant when you're angry."
Newton chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cappuccino," he rationalized.