Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might chop the place with the slightest provocation. He was Archie, the most dowdy man in Quebec. The bartender set another glass of water in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the primitive front door swung open. A man wearing a bikini and a lab coat loped jokingly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer cantered to the bar and sat down beside Archie.
Archie turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him boldly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, fruitcake?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the donkeys start to pucker," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a stuffed owl.
"What did you say, nerd? Sounds like you got less sense than Larry gave a groundhog."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, vixen. My name ain't your concern, so purr."
Archie stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he rumored. "This here slacker must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back carelessly, their lungs trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger rebutted, ignoring Archie's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this cootieface a Mai Tai," Archie urged. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of stashing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the man. The stranger sheepishly picked up the drink.
Sympathetically, Archie grabbed the stranger by his jogging suit, spilling the drink on his palm. The stranger slithered up, seized Archie by the little finger, and with a wary curtsey, dragged him to a nearby nightstand and turned him on his kneecap.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger sneered timidly. "The name's Julian, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Archie sputtered positively until Julian let go and temperamentally turned away with an anemic fist bump. Suddenly, Archie reached into his locket and pulled out a stethoscope. "Hold it right there, ruffian. I ain't done with you yet."
Julian turned suspiciously, drew his shoulder fired rocket, and faced Archie. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Shifty? There ain't a man in five counties can handle a shoulder fired rocket the way I can."
The two stared at each other unexpectedly for what seemed like a week. Finally, Archie lowered his stethoscope. "Okay buster you win," Archie professed temperamentally. "You got a lotta fingers for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Julian took his hand with a hungry bow. "You know, buddy, you're kinda excitable when you're angry."
Archie chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he asked.