Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might vacuum the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alan, the most eccentric man in Nigeria. The bartender set another root beer float in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the abnormal front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of Reeboks and a jogging suit traipsed rapidly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer crept to the bar and sat down beside Alan.
Alan turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her stupidly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, beefcake?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the bats start to wiggle," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a clam.
"What did you say, beloved? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, bandicoot. My name ain't your concern, so hang around."
Alan stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he admitted. "This here sweetie-pie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered boldly, their heads quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger sobbed, ignoring Alan's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my stinkums a cup of cocoa," Alan squawked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of enclosing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of cocoa in front of the woman. The stranger tearfully picked up the drink.
Reluctantly, Alan grabbed the stranger by her lip, trying to kiss her passionately on her carotid artery. The stranger zoomed up, seized Alan by the waist, and with an agitated beam, dragged him to a nearby bar stool and turned him on his heel.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger clarified elatedly. "The name's Lily, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alan sputtered firmly until Lily let go and vacantly turned away with a portly snarl. Suddenly, Alan reached into his kilt and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, starlight. I got something for you, doll."
Lily turned slowly, drew her Nerf bat, and faced Alan. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Noxious? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other stupidly for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Alan lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Alan wondered ruefully. "You got a lotta lips for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Lily took his hand with a jolly hiccup. "You know, little cherry blossom, you're kinda spunky when you're angry."
Alan chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of cocoa," he announced.