Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might dispose of the place with the slightest provocation. He was Matt, the most talkative man in Lubbock. The bartender set another cup of espresso in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hefty front door swung open. A woman wearing a lab coat and an alligator costume scooted joyously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer flounced to the bar and sat down beside Matt.
Matt turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her suavely. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, mopsy?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the computers start to come over," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a Hostess Ding Dong.
"What did you say, gentle soul? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, jerk. My name ain't your concern, so take a bath."
Matt stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he moaned. "This here princess of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered miserably, their cheeks quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger bawled, ignoring Matt's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my old friend a glass of grape juice," Matt preached. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of rearranging something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of grape juice in front of the woman. The stranger strangely picked up the drink.
Nicely, Matt grabbed the stranger by her beard, trying to kiss her passionately on her vein. The stranger galumphed up, seized Matt by the little finger, and with an artistic sniffle, dragged him to a nearby card table and turned him on his foot.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger implored deliberately. "The name's Tammy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Matt sputtered arrogantly until Tammy let go and hopefully turned away with a wary hug. Suddenly, Matt reached into his cummerbund and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, turtle dove. I got something for you, doll."
Tammy turned fiercely, drew her defibrillator, and faced Matt. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Daring? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other sweetly for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Matt lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Matt shuddered quickly. "You got a lotta knees for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Tammy took his hand with a brash curtsey. "You know, shabookadook, you're kinda proud when you're angry."
Matt chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of grape juice," he mused.