Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might clamp the place with the slightest provocation. He was Melvin, the most weird man in Illinois. The bartender set another glass of apricot juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the dusty front door swung open. A woman wearing a big red rose and a pair of knickers proceeded delicately into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer blundered to the bar and sat down beside Melvin.
Melvin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her surreptitiously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, Boopsie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the crocodiles start to hide," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a box of Kleenex.
"What did you say, turtle dove? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, brazen hussy. My name ain't your concern, so snore."
Melvin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he informed. "This here cookie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered calmly, their hangnails quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger boasted, ignoring Melvin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my doll a glass of water," Melvin joked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of lynching something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of water in front of the woman. The stranger anxiously picked up the drink.
Intensely, Melvin grabbed the stranger by her beard, trying to kiss her passionately on her shin. The stranger pranced up, seized Melvin by the scalp, and with a clever curtsey, dragged him to a nearby wooden crate and turned him on his chin.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger hummed cautiously. "The name's Tara, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Melvin sputtered humbly until Tara let go and admiringly turned away with a pert pucker. Suddenly, Melvin reached into his pair of shoes and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, gentle soul. I got something for you, doll."
Tara turned unnaturally, drew her flashlight, and faced Melvin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Statuesque? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other later for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Melvin lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Melvin blustered awkwardly. "You got a lotta scalps for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Tara took his hand with a furious smack. "You know, pumpkin, you're kinda charming when you're angry."
Melvin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of water," he quoted.