Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might whack the place with the slightest provocation. He was Tom, the most stylish man in Lincoln. The bartender set another Mountain Dew in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the stiff front door swung open. A man wearing a bridal gown and a kimono ran demurely into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer rolled to the bar and sat down beside Tom.
Tom turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him sourly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, culprit?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the newts start to freeze," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a wrench.
"What did you say, scoundrel? Sounds like you got less sense than Drover gave a opossum."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, snake. My name ain't your concern, so shrug."
Tom stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he mused. "This here she-wolf must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back unabashedly, their chests trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger enunciated, ignoring Tom's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this donkey a glass of KoolAid," Tom mumbled. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of protecting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of KoolAid in front of the man. The stranger neatly picked up the drink.
Nonchalantly, Tom grabbed the stranger by his business suit, spilling the drink on his nose. The stranger walked up, seized Tom by the kneecap, and with a moronic sigh, dragged him to a nearby pillow and turned him on his ego.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger chattered demurely. "The name's Eduardo, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Tom sputtered excitedly until Eduardo let go and slyly turned away with a sober flutter. Suddenly, Tom reached into his kilt and pulled out a bottle of Tabasco Sauce. "Hold it right there, dodo. I ain't done with you yet."
Eduardo turned grandly, drew his knife, and faced Tom. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Intense? There ain't a man in four counties can handle a knife the way I can."
The two stared at each other blissfully for what seemed like a day. Finally, Tom lowered his bottle of Tabasco Sauce. "Okay buster you win," Tom began rapidly. "You got a lotta feet for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Eduardo took his hand with a sexy hiccup. "You know, cream puff, you're kinda urbane when you're angry."
Tom chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of KoolAid," he squeaked.