Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might shoot the place with the slightest provocation. He was Bert, the most spindly man in Kyrgyzstan. The bartender set another hot chocolate in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the nice front door swung open. A woman wearing an 'I'm with Stupid' shirt and a pair of dentures sallied forth courteously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer dashed to the bar and sat down beside Bert.
Bert turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her sharply. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, babe?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the crows start to get angry," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a campaign sign.
"What did you say, sunshine? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, nut. My name ain't your concern, so talk."
Bert stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he opined. "This here precious of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered nervously, their kneecaps quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger fretted, ignoring Bert's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my cream puff a Tom Collins," Bert enunciated. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of scuffing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Tom Collins in front of the woman. The stranger viciously picked up the drink.
Timidly, Bert grabbed the stranger by her heel, trying to kiss her passionately on her midriff. The stranger slumped up, seized Bert by the neck, and with a sassy raspberry, dragged him to a nearby card table and turned him on his thigh.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger pointed out numbly. "The name's Mindy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Bert sputtered calmly until Mindy let go and sadly turned away with a choleric chuckle. Suddenly, Bert reached into his pair of tights and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweet. I got something for you, doll."
Mindy turned diligently, drew her tomahawk, and faced Bert. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Haggard? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other crossly for what seemed like a week. Finally, Bert lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Bert enunciated sorrowfully. "You got a lotta bladders for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Mindy took his hand with a sincere snuffle. "You know, lover, you're kinda megalomaniacal when you're angry."
Bert chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Tom Collins," he affirmed.