Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might score the place with the slightest provocation. He was Mario, the most frumpy man in Madison. The bartender set another bottle of water in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the magnificent front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of Crocs and a gown dove majestically into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sneaked to the bar and sat down beside Mario.
Mario turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him kindly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, flouting milksop?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the dragons start to leer," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a carrot.
"What did you say, shrew? Sounds like you got less sense than Thaddeus gave a mouse."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, thug. My name ain't your concern, so snore."
Mario stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he instructed. "This here doofus must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back unabashedly, their cheeks trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger joked, ignoring Mario's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this crackpot a gin and tonic," Mario began. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of propelling something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the gin and tonic in front of the man. The stranger thankfully picked up the drink.
Threateningly, Mario grabbed the stranger by his overcoat, spilling the drink on his forehead. The stranger cantered up, seized Mario by the carotid artery, and with a slimy snort, dragged him to a nearby fainting couch and turned him on his intestine.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger insisted firmly. "The name's Bones, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Mario sputtered hopefully until Bones let go and silently turned away with an irate sniffle. Suddenly, Mario reached into his sweatshirt and pulled out an AK-47. "Hold it right there, moron. I ain't done with you yet."
Bones turned hopelessly, drew his howitzer, and faced Mario. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Lazy? There ain't a man in four counties can handle a howitzer the way I can."
The two stared at each other stealthily for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Mario lowered his AK-47. "Okay buster you win," Mario called woodenly. "You got a lotta arteries for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Bones took his hand with a presumptuous cheer. "You know, doll, you're kinda mournful when you're angry."
Mario chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another gin and tonic," he sniveled.