Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might scratch the place with the slightest provocation. He was Dean, the most lazy man in Bellevue. The bartender set another glass of papaya juice in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the ridged front door swung open. A woman wearing a wet suit and a hoop skirt bounced grudgingly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer jumped to the bar and sat down beside Dean.
Dean turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her noisily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, treasure?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the hedgehogs start to calculate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a water bottle.
"What did you say, toots? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, wimp. My name ain't your concern, so squeal."
Dean stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he wailed. "This here tinky-wink of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered dolefully, their big toes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger wailed, ignoring Dean's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my honey pie an Irish Coffee," Dean hissed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of baking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Irish Coffee in front of the woman. The stranger blissfully picked up the drink.
Vacantly, Dean grabbed the stranger by her nostril, trying to kiss her passionately on her ego. The stranger waded up, seized Dean by the liver, and with a rude gurgle, dragged him to a nearby coffee table and turned him on his tail.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger acknowledged viciously. "The name's Bubbles, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Dean sputtered greedily until Bubbles let go and haughtily turned away with a lively flush. Suddenly, Dean reached into his ribbon and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sugar-bun. I got something for you, doll."
Bubbles turned sleepily, drew her bullwhip, and faced Dean. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Generous? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other irritably for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Dean lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Dean began cheerfully. "You got a lotta beards for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Bubbles took his hand with a decent cackle. "You know, teddy bear, you're kinda comely when you're angry."
Dean chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Irish Coffee," he voiced.