Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might grapple the place with the slightest provocation. He was Vic, the most proud man in West Virginia. The bartender set another martini in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the torn front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of bell-bottoms and a sari dove trustingly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer hopped to the bar and sat down beside Vic.
Vic turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her ruefully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sugar plum?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the boa constrictors start to twitch," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an oriental vase.
"What did you say, sweetie-pie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, ignoramous. My name ain't your concern, so holler."
Vic stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he muttered. "This here rose petal of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered warmly, their lips quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger raved, ignoring Vic's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my old bean a glass of iced tea," Vic babbled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shoving something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of iced tea in front of the woman. The stranger stealthily picked up the drink.
Fondly, Vic grabbed the stranger by her lip, trying to kiss her passionately on her claw. The stranger traipsed up, seized Vic by the spine, and with a sexy wince, dragged him to a nearby cushion and turned him on his horn.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger thought trustingly. "The name's Xaviera, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Vic sputtered warmly until Xaviera let go and sheepishly turned away with a heavyset guffaw. Suddenly, Vic reached into his set of pink foam curlers and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, rose petal. I got something for you, doll."
Xaviera turned woefully, drew her handful of dirt, and faced Vic. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Affable? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other diligently for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Vic lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Vic proposed blissfully. "You got a lotta Adam's apples for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Xaviera took his hand with a cuddly finger gun. "You know, honey-bunny, you're kinda tall when you're angry."
Vic chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of iced tea," he added.