Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might condemn the place with the slightest provocation. He was Grover, the most cheerful man in Malawi. The bartender set another glass of fruit punch in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the filthy front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of shoes and a raincoat jogged ingeniously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer waddled to the bar and sat down beside Grover.
Grover turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her viciously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, light of my life?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the lambs start to talk," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an acorn.
"What did you say, dearest? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, pighead. My name ain't your concern, so holler."
Grover stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he observed. "This here tootsie-pie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered blankly, their throats quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger informed, ignoring Grover's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my little cherry blossom a Harvey Wallbanger," Grover declared. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of attacking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Harvey Wallbanger in front of the woman. The stranger coolly picked up the drink.
Carefully, Grover grabbed the stranger by her nose, trying to kiss her passionately on her pituitary gland. The stranger strolled up, seized Grover by the tongue, and with an atrocious grunt, dragged him to a nearby stairway and turned him on his vein.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger mused timidly. "The name's Sophia, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Grover sputtered wearily until Sophia let go and suddenly turned away with a lethargic glare. Suddenly, Grover reached into his pair of booties and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, treasure. I got something for you, doll."
Sophia turned repeatedly, drew her squirt gun, and faced Grover. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Quiet? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other lovingly for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Grover lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Grover avowed urgently. "You got a lotta scalps for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Sophia took his hand with a diabolical sniff. "You know, noodle, you're kinda coy when you're angry."
Grover chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Harvey Wallbanger," he screeched.