Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might brandish the place with the slightest provocation. He was Derek, the most mindless man in Alaska. The bartender set another cup of eggnog in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the clean front door swung open. A woman wearing a set of football pads and a bedsheet scurried timidly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sauntered to the bar and sat down beside Derek.
Derek turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her fiercely. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, cutie-patootie?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the asses start to collapse," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an ingot of plutonium.
"What did you say, tinky-wink? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, birdbrain. My name ain't your concern, so nod."
Derek stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he pointed out. "This here pet of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered again, their biceps quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger snorted, ignoring Derek's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my noodle a hot toddy," Derek winked. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of rejecting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the hot toddy in front of the woman. The stranger oddly picked up the drink.
Stupidly, Derek grabbed the stranger by her palm, trying to kiss her passionately on her toenail. The stranger galloped up, seized Derek by the kidney, and with an exuberant grimace, dragged him to a nearby cupboard and turned him on his paw.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger railed sorrowfully. "The name's Henrietta, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Derek sputtered uselessly until Henrietta let go and flightily turned away with a cocky gurgle. Suddenly, Derek reached into his heavy layer of makeup and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, old bean. I got something for you, doll."
Henrietta turned reluctantly, drew her dart gun, and faced Derek. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Articulate? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other bitterly for what seemed like a day. Finally, Derek lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Derek brought up tenderly. "You got a lotta earlobes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Henrietta took his hand with a deadly titter. "You know, dear heart, you're kinda beautiful when you're angry."
Derek chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another hot toddy," he spoke up.