Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might stain the place with the slightest provocation. He was Gerald, the most intelligent man in Malaysia. The bartender set another Long Island iced tea in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the nice front door swung open. A woman wearing a ponytail and a bridal gown crept angrily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer darted to the bar and sat down beside Gerald.
Gerald turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her languidly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, lover?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the wallabies start to holler," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a candy bar.
"What did you say, twinkie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, shyster. My name ain't your concern, so moan."
Gerald stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he belched. "This here cuddle-bear of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered proudly, their esophaguses quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger recited, ignoring Gerald's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my lover a Moscow mule," Gerald mumbled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of destroying something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Moscow mule in front of the woman. The stranger reluctantly picked up the drink.
Cruelly, Gerald grabbed the stranger by her bladder, trying to kiss her passionately on her tummy. The stranger dashed up, seized Gerald by the nostril, and with a cruel tear, dragged him to a nearby wine rack and turned him on his brain.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger phrased happily. "The name's Ava, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Gerald sputtered sternly until Ava let go and fearlessly turned away with a beautiful snarl. Suddenly, Gerald reached into his tailcoat and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, poopsy-woopsy. I got something for you, doll."
Ava turned caustically, drew her witty reparteé, and faced Gerald. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Fascinating? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other angrily for what seemed like a month. Finally, Gerald lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Gerald sniped stealthily. "You got a lotta tails for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Ava took his hand with a maniacal glare. "You know, tootsie, you're kinda cheerful when you're angry."
Gerald chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Moscow mule," he provoked.