Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might mutilate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Mel, the most articulate man in Belgium. The bartender set another kamikaze in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the valuable front door swung open. A woman wearing a helmet and a poodle skirt strolled tensely into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer dove to the bar and sat down beside Mel.
Mel turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her woefully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, bugsy?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the sheep start to fret," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a shoe.
"What did you say, sweetie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, harebrain. My name ain't your concern, so shiver."
Mel stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he fantasized. "This here bugsy of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered haughtily, their heads quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger sniveled, ignoring Mel's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my bunny a tonic," Mel swore. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of stitching something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the tonic in front of the woman. The stranger nervously picked up the drink.
Ruefully, Mel grabbed the stranger by her vein, trying to kiss her passionately on her thumb. The stranger swaggered up, seized Mel by the hangnail, and with a taciturn pound of the chest, dragged him to a nearby ottoman and turned him on his eye.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger intoned innocently. "The name's Kathy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Mel sputtered surreptitiously until Kathy let go and deftly turned away with a coy coo. Suddenly, Mel reached into his beach towel and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, cutie-patootie. I got something for you, doll."
Kathy turned lazily, drew her BB gun, and faced Mel. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Amiable? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other noisily for what seemed like a year. Finally, Mel lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Mel mumbled breathlessly. "You got a lotta pride for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Kathy took his hand with a direct simper. "You know, sweetheart, you're kinda dreadful when you're angry."
Mel chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another tonic," he announced.