Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might fry the place with the slightest provocation. He was Walt, the most depraved man in Malaysia. The bartender set another cup of eggnog in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the gross front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of Reeboks and a bow tie skipped impatiently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer staggered to the bar and sat down beside Walt.
Walt turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her positively. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, twinkle toes?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the gazelles start to fidget," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a lemon.
"What did you say, little blossom? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, monster. My name ain't your concern, so bounce."
Walt stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he whined. "This here big lug of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered needlessly, their lips quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger blurted, ignoring Walt's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my pork chop a glass of carrot juice," Walt spoke up. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of identifying something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of carrot juice in front of the woman. The stranger grudgingly picked up the drink.
Blindly, Walt grabbed the stranger by her funny bone, trying to kiss her passionately on her tongue. The stranger jumped up, seized Walt by the front tooth, and with a tired smack, dragged him to a nearby carpet and turned him on his bladder.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger divulged automatically. "The name's May, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Walt sputtered joyously until May let go and innocently turned away with a childish grimace. Suddenly, Walt reached into his overcoat and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, bugsy. I got something for you, doll."
May turned deftly, drew her set of nunchucks, and faced Walt. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Cocky? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other stupidly for what seemed like a century. Finally, Walt lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Walt harangued reluctantly. "You got a lotta buttocks for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. May took his hand with a young belly laugh. "You know, shmoopsie-poo, you're kinda timid when you're angry."
Walt chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of carrot juice," he called.