Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might choke the place with the slightest provocation. He was Johnny, the most statuesque man in Iowa. The bartender set another glass of champagne in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the bent front door swung open. A woman wearing a towel and a skeleton costume inched blindly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer flew to the bar and sat down beside Johnny.
Johnny turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her frenetically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, dear?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the pumas start to glower," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a potato.
"What did you say, doll? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, brazen hussy. My name ain't your concern, so hiccup."
Johnny stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he croaked. "This here teddy bear of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered crossly, their little fingers quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger proposed, ignoring Johnny's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my petunia a chocolate milk," Johnny preached. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of decorating something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the chocolate milk in front of the woman. The stranger blankly picked up the drink.
Suspiciously, Johnny grabbed the stranger by her front tooth, trying to kiss her passionately on her thorax. The stranger hopped up, seized Johnny by the gut, and with a brassy pout, dragged him to a nearby catbird seat and turned him on his wrist.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger croaked daringly. "The name's Motormouth, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Johnny sputtered again until Motormouth let go and briskly turned away with a sober smirk. Suddenly, Johnny reached into his pair of moccasins and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sunshine. I got something for you, doll."
Motormouth turned crazily, drew her stink bomb, and faced Johnny. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Obese? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other repeatedly for what seemed like a day. Finally, Johnny lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Johnny yelped grudgingly. "You got a lotta toenails for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Motormouth took his hand with a dependable snarl. "You know, mopsy, you're kinda fashionable when you're angry."
Johnny chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another chocolate milk," he worried.