Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might harden the place with the slightest provocation. He was Eddie, the most weird man in Iowa. The bartender set another milkshake in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the nice front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of false eyelashes and a headscarf lumbered truculently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer tore to the bar and sat down beside Eddie.
Eddie turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her solemnly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, petunia?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the German Shepherds start to expectorate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a hair dryer.
"What did you say, dearest? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, fink. My name ain't your concern, so gasp."
Eddie stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he blubbered. "This here stinkums of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered craftily, their necks quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger observed, ignoring Eddie's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my punkin an iced tea," Eddie sniveled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of studying something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the iced tea in front of the woman. The stranger impatiently picked up the drink.
Courteously, Eddie grabbed the stranger by her piehole, trying to kiss her passionately on her skull. The stranger scurried up, seized Eddie by the neck, and with a fiendish dope slap, dragged him to a nearby bed and turned him on his foot.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger vouched brightly. "The name's Christabel, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Eddie sputtered joyously until Christabel let go and sagely turned away with a pensive wrinkled nose. Suddenly, Eddie reached into his pair of moon boots and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, bugsy. I got something for you, doll."
Christabel turned dubiously, drew her accordion, and faced Eddie. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Cruel? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other valiantly for what seemed like a month. Finally, Eddie lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Eddie implored repeatedly. "You got a lotta femurs for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Christabel took his hand with a moronic sniff. "You know, pet, you're kinda haughty when you're angry."
Eddie chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another iced tea," he enunciated.