Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might unlock the place with the slightest provocation. He was Spud, the most dignified man in Norway. The bartender set another gimlet in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the jagged front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of cycling shorts and a beret hobbled joyously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer ran to the bar and sat down beside Spud.
Spud turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her brightly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, punkin?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the ladybugs start to swoon," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a fish bowl.
"What did you say, dear? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, simpleton. My name ain't your concern, so play solitaire."
Spud stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he sneered. "This here punkin of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered unabashedly, their legs quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger called, ignoring Spud's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my twinkle toes a painkiller," Spud hinted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of painting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the painkiller in front of the woman. The stranger immediately picked up the drink.
Cheerfully, Spud grabbed the stranger by her shoulder, trying to kiss her passionately on her lip. The stranger inched up, seized Spud by the toenail, and with a direct simper, dragged him to a nearby armoire and turned him on his tooth.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger taunted sorrowfully. "The name's Lillian, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Spud sputtered brightly until Lillian let go and slowly turned away with a suave wag of the finger. Suddenly, Spud reached into his bomber jacket and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, tootsie. I got something for you, doll."
Lillian turned hopelessly, drew her can of shaving cream, and faced Spud. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Exuberant? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other thoughtfully for what seemed like a century. Finally, Spud lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Spud moaned dolorously. "You got a lotta dignity for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Lillian took his hand with an irate sneer. "You know, bud, you're kinda awkward when you're angry."
Spud chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another painkiller," he chortled.