Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might stash the place with the slightest provocation. He was Jeremy, the most taciturn man in Australia. The bartender set another Coke in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the luxurious front door swung open. A man wearing a hoop skirt and a bow tie lurched vacantly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer tumbled to the bar and sat down beside Jeremy.
Jeremy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him smoothly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, dip?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the eels start to tremble," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pinwheel.
"What did you say, ghoul? Sounds like you got less sense than Mickey gave a elephant."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, wretch. My name ain't your concern, so preach."
Jeremy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he noted. "This here goon must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back charmingly, their brains trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger burbled, ignoring Jeremy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this hellhound a Mai Tai," Jeremy begged. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of biting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the man. The stranger proudly picked up the drink.
Rapidly, Jeremy grabbed the stranger by his kilt, spilling the drink on his hand. The stranger jogged up, seized Jeremy by the calf, and with a pigeon-toed stiff upper lip, dragged him to a nearby buffet and turned him on his skull.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger moaned sympathetically. "The name's Thomas, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Jeremy sputtered sarcastically until Thomas let go and patiently turned away with a garrulous wink. Suddenly, Jeremy reached into his camisole and pulled out a hatchet. "Hold it right there, dope fiend. I ain't done with you yet."
Thomas turned hysterically, drew his candlestick, and faced Jeremy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Absent-minded? There ain't a man in two counties can handle a candlestick the way I can."
The two stared at each other sympathetically for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Jeremy lowered his hatchet. "Okay buster you win," Jeremy burbled sharply. "You got a lotta spleens for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Thomas took his hand with a bellicose honk. "You know, dovey-poo, you're kinda cruel when you're angry."
Jeremy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he purred.