Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might dust the place with the slightest provocation. He was Eddie, the most gentle man in St. Petersburg. The bartender set another glass of buttermilk in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the cotton front door swung open. A woman wearing a ski mask and a jacket lumbered shyly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer set out to the bar and sat down beside Eddie.
Eddie turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her blindly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, mopsy?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the dachshunds start to look dumb," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a diary.
"What did you say, babe? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, bonehead. My name ain't your concern, so barf."
Eddie stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he belched. "This here snuggle bear of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered daringly, their hair quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger queried, ignoring Eddie's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweet pea a soda," Eddie admitted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of disposing of something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the soda in front of the woman. The stranger innocently picked up the drink.
Timidly, Eddie grabbed the stranger by her forehead, trying to kiss her passionately on her forehead. The stranger clambered up, seized Eddie by the chin, and with a sleek guffaw, dragged him to a nearby bathtub and turned him on his neck.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger preached unnaturally. "The name's Konstanze, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Eddie sputtered sagely until Konstanze let go and doubtfully turned away with a princely glare. Suddenly, Eddie reached into his set of vampire fangs and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, buddy. I got something for you, doll."
Konstanze turned openly, drew her can of pepper spray, and faced Eddie. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Unselfish? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other frantically for what seemed like a week. Finally, Eddie lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Eddie voiced grandly. "You got a lotta earlobes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Konstanze took his hand with a moronic roar. "You know, shmoopsie-poo, you're kinda earnest when you're angry."
Eddie chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another soda," he conversed.