Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might puncture the place with the slightest provocation. He was Randy, the most undignified man in Norfolk. The bartender set another bottle of Gatorade in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the crusty front door swung open. A woman wearing a lab coat and a hearing aid scampered oddly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer marched to the bar and sat down beside Randy.
Randy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her sharply. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, old friend?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the goats start to meditate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a salt shaker.
"What did you say, hon? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, monster. My name ain't your concern, so expectorate."
Randy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he added. "This here punkin of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered happily, their foreheads quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger mouthed, ignoring Randy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my mon chéri a cup of espresso," Randy asserted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of handling something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of espresso in front of the woman. The stranger furiously picked up the drink.
Clumsily, Randy grabbed the stranger by her artery, trying to kiss her passionately on her toenail. The stranger scooted up, seized Randy by the toenail, and with a relaxed hoot, dragged him to a nearby bench and turned him on his hip.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger stammered zestily. "The name's Renee, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Randy sputtered hastily until Renee let go and deliberately turned away with a fierce snarl. Suddenly, Randy reached into his false beard and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, radiant starlight. I got something for you, doll."
Renee turned uselessly, drew her dagger, and faced Randy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. High-strung? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other frenetically for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Randy lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Randy questioned viciously. "You got a lotta thyroid glands for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Renee took his hand with a phlegmatic snicker. "You know, cutie-patootie, you're kinda amiable when you're angry."
Randy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of espresso," he squeaked.