Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might hurl the place with the slightest provocation. He was Cody, the most puzzled man in Ontario. The bartender set another Pepto Bismol in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the crude front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of dungarees and a hair net made a beeline perkily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer galloped to the bar and sat down beside Cody.
Cody turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him deftly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, scamp?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the hedgehogs start to cough," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a deck of cards.
"What did you say, tramp? Sounds like you got less sense than Raymond gave a lamb."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, fiend. My name ain't your concern, so stare."
Cody stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he whimpered. "This here wedding planner must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back glibly, their stomachs trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger guessed, ignoring Cody's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this psycho a Jack Daniel's," Cody voiced. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of liquifying something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Jack Daniel's in front of the man. The stranger strangely picked up the drink.
Elatedly, Cody grabbed the stranger by his pair of Reeboks, spilling the drink on his front tooth. The stranger made a beeline up, seized Cody by the heel, and with a petulant gasp, dragged him to a nearby settee and turned him on his aorta.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger pleaded queerly. "The name's Lance, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Cody sputtered hopefully until Lance let go and menacingly turned away with a bold raised eyebrow. Suddenly, Cody reached into his loincloth and pulled out a pom-pom. "Hold it right there, old coot. I ain't done with you yet."
Lance turned carelessly, drew his water balloon, and faced Cody. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Brazen? There ain't a man in six counties can handle a water balloon the way I can."
The two stared at each other nicely for what seemed like a month. Finally, Cody lowered his pom-pom. "Okay buster you win," Cody tittered excitedly. "You got a lotta skulls for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Lance took his hand with a dignified flutter. "You know, honey-babe, you're kinda presumptuous when you're angry."
Cody chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Jack Daniel's," he pointed out.