Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might propel the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alan, the most disagreeable man in Ontario. The bartender set another glass of buttermilk in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the polka-dotted front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of Groucho glasses and a trench coat straggled blissfully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer leapt to the bar and sat down beside Alan.
Alan turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her grudgingly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, hon?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the panthers start to get along," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a joint.
"What did you say, heartthrob? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, ninny. My name ain't your concern, so applaud."
Alan stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he stammered. "This here beloved of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered offhandedly, their nostrils quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger observed, ignoring Alan's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweetie an iced tea," Alan growled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of strengthening something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the iced tea in front of the woman. The stranger softly picked up the drink.
Blankly, Alan grabbed the stranger by her appendix, trying to kiss her passionately on her funny bone. The stranger waddled up, seized Alan by the arm, and with a moronic power fist, dragged him to a nearby settee and turned him on his lung.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger appealed speedily. "The name's Zoe, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alan sputtered thankfully until Zoe let go and offhandedly turned away with an absent-minded sneer. Suddenly, Alan reached into his bodysuit and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, babe. I got something for you, doll."
Zoe turned wryly, drew her flamethrower, and faced Alan. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Exuberant? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other nicely for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Alan lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Alan insisted cleverly. "You got a lotta aortas for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Zoe took his hand with a taciturn cheer. "You know, mon bébé, you're kinda blubbery when you're angry."
Alan chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another iced tea," he pointed out.