Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might scrape the place with the slightest provocation. He was Robert, the most petulant man in Ann Arbor. The bartender set another Seven and Seven in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the striking front door swung open. A woman wearing a ribbon and a bicycle helmet slipped properly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer skidded to the bar and sat down beside Robert.
Robert turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her sleepily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, little one?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the chimpanzees start to barf," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a notepad.
"What did you say, little cherry blossom? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dunderhead. My name ain't your concern, so get rigid."
Robert stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he mouthed. "This here cream puff of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered despondently, their tails quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger babbled, ignoring Robert's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my gumdrop an Alka-Seltzer," Robert mumbled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of greasing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Alka-Seltzer in front of the woman. The stranger irritably picked up the drink.
Diligently, Robert grabbed the stranger by her ankle, trying to kiss her passionately on her claw. The stranger marched up, seized Robert by the toupee, and with a pigeon-toed smile, dragged him to a nearby wardrobe and turned him on his antenna.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger suggested roughly. "The name's Carla, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Robert sputtered timidly until Carla let go and jokingly turned away with a peculiar guffaw. Suddenly, Robert reached into his bandana and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, honey-babe. I got something for you, doll."
Carla turned cruelly, drew her howitzer, and faced Robert. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Haughty? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other perkily for what seemed like a week. Finally, Robert lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Robert grunted shyly. "You got a lotta dignity for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Carla took his hand with a furious blush. "You know, dovey-poo, you're kinda sweet when you're angry."
Robert chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Alka-Seltzer," he indicated.