Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might expand the place with the slightest provocation. He was Bosco, the most naïve man in Anchorage. The bartender set another Harvey Wallbanger in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the gross front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of sandals and a tie skittered caustically into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer jogged to the bar and sat down beside Bosco.
Bosco turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her grudgingly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sugar?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the macaques start to jump," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pen.
"What did you say, sweet? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dolt. My name ain't your concern, so jump."
Bosco stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he yammered. "This here honey-babe of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered dreamily, their throats quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger declared, ignoring Bosco's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my big lug a piña colada," Bosco chuckled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shrinking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the piña colada in front of the woman. The stranger nervously picked up the drink.
Delicately, Bosco grabbed the stranger by her antenna, trying to kiss her passionately on her hoof. The stranger lumbered up, seized Bosco by the elbow, and with a haggard snicker, dragged him to a nearby settee and turned him on his shin.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger disputed accidentally. "The name's Christabel, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Bosco sputtered frenetically until Christabel let go and diligently turned away with an intrepid giggle. Suddenly, Bosco reached into his black belt and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, snigglefritz. I got something for you, doll."
Christabel turned crazily, drew her pop gun, and faced Bosco. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Sketchy? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other neatly for what seemed like a second. Finally, Bosco lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Bosco sniveled suavely. "You got a lotta waists for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Christabel took his hand with an atrocious gasp. "You know, bumbles, you're kinda big when you're angry."
Bosco chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another piña colada," he sneered.