Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might hit the place with the slightest provocation. He was Julian, the most thoughtful man in Providence. The bartender set another Sangría in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the smumpy front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of bell-bottoms and a hat climbed nonchalantly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer capered to the bar and sat down beside Julian.
Julian turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him majestically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, flouting milksop?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the buzzards start to giggle," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a screwdriver.
"What did you say, terror? Sounds like you got less sense than Drew gave a lovebird."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, chump. My name ain't your concern, so get along."
Julian stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he wondered. "This here snitch must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back cunningly, their backs trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger chattered, ignoring Julian's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this scalawag a piña colada," Julian appealed. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of mending something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the piña colada in front of the man. The stranger pitifully picked up the drink.
Speedily, Julian grabbed the stranger by his toga, spilling the drink on his eyelash. The stranger climbed up, seized Julian by the dignity, and with a sober growl, dragged him to a nearby wardrobe and turned him on his hangnail.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger commented immediately. "The name's Billy Bob, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Julian sputtered zestily until Billy Bob let go and sadly turned away with a frantic fist bump. Suddenly, Julian reached into his gorilla suit and pulled out an insult. "Hold it right there, monster. I ain't done with you yet."
Billy Bob turned confidently, drew his wet washrag, and faced Julian. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Dapper? There ain't a man in two counties can handle a wet washrag the way I can."
The two stared at each other pitifully for what seemed like a week. Finally, Julian lowered his insult. "Okay buster you win," Julian mentioned courteously. "You got a lotta paws for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Billy Bob took his hand with a carefree frown. "You know, nipkin, you're kinda hairy when you're angry."
Julian chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another piña colada," he wept.