Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might yank the place with the slightest provocation. He was Bud, the most sociable man in the United Arab Emirates. The bartender set another cosmopolitan in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the crude front door swung open. A woman wearing a big grin and a cap sidled elatedly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer went to the bar and sat down beside Bud.
Bud turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her cleverly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sugar?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the deer start to get away," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bedpan.
"What did you say, pork chop? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, hooligan. My name ain't your concern, so knit."
Bud stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he worried. "This here moonbeam of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered ignobly, their toupees quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger mumbled, ignoring Bud's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my honey-babe a chamomile tea," Bud chuckled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of overlooking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the chamomile tea in front of the woman. The stranger clumsily picked up the drink.
Caustically, Bud grabbed the stranger by her tooth, trying to kiss her passionately on her stomach. The stranger hobbled up, seized Bud by the vein, and with an ungainly jeer, dragged him to a nearby crib and turned him on his shin.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger tittered brightly. "The name's Dolores, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Bud sputtered gently until Dolores let go and patiently turned away with a statuesque crow. Suddenly, Bud reached into his pair of knickers and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, doodlebug. I got something for you, doll."
Dolores turned strangely, drew her axe, and faced Bud. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Agitated? There ain't a woman in five counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other dreamily for what seemed like a blink of an eye. Finally, Bud lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Bud analyzed majestically. "You got a lotta Adam's apples for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Dolores took his hand with a crazy yawn. "You know, queenie, you're kinda conceited when you're angry."
Bud chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another chamomile tea," he smiled.