Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might touch the place with the slightest provocation. He was Erwin, the most selfish man in Scottsdale. The bartender set another cup of tea in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the luxurious front door swung open. A woman wearing a gorilla suit and a corset slithered ruefully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer slunk to the bar and sat down beside Erwin.
Erwin turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her proudly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, dear?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the polar bears start to grimace," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a doily.
"What did you say, sweetie-pie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, hipster. My name ain't your concern, so buzz."
Erwin stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he fumed. "This here patootie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered caustically, their spines quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger sighed, ignoring Erwin's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my lover a cup of eggnog," Erwin questioned. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of punching something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of eggnog in front of the woman. The stranger flightily picked up the drink.
Suddenly, Erwin grabbed the stranger by her ankle, trying to kiss her passionately on her thorax. The stranger flounced up, seized Erwin by the throat, and with an unselfish chuckle, dragged him to a nearby bed and turned him on his head.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger agreed pityingly. "The name's Velma, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Erwin sputtered sharply until Velma let go and timidly turned away with a selfish tear. Suddenly, Erwin reached into his turtleneck and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, light of my life. I got something for you, doll."
Velma turned shakily, drew her grenade launcher, and faced Erwin. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Serious? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other gingerly for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Erwin lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Erwin snarled doubtfully. "You got a lotta egos for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Velma took his hand with a presumptuous smirk. "You know, shabookadook, you're kinda generous when you're angry."
Erwin chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of eggnog," he conversed.