Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might shorten the place with the slightest provocation. He was Siggy, the most hysterical man in Massachusetts. The bartender set another cup of tea in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the grubby front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of bloomers and a pair of briefs tumbled offhandedly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer lurched to the bar and sat down beside Siggy.
Siggy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her openly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, radiant starlight?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the partridges start to pucker," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a ping-pong paddle.
"What did you say, gumdrop? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, clodhopper. My name ain't your concern, so blink."
Siggy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he persisted. "This here shabookadook of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered gruffly, their noses quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger intoned, ignoring Siggy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my old bean a Tom Collins," Siggy wailed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of ridiculing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Tom Collins in front of the woman. The stranger lamely picked up the drink.
Cruelly, Siggy grabbed the stranger by her eyelid, trying to kiss her passionately on her face. The stranger capered up, seized Siggy by the shoulder, and with an athletic giggle, dragged him to a nearby recliner and turned him on his intestine.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger urged fearlessly. "The name's Babs, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Siggy sputtered automatically until Babs let go and crazily turned away with a friendly face palm. Suddenly, Siggy reached into his pair of toe shoes and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, friend. I got something for you, doll."
Babs turned energetically, drew her Bowie knife, and faced Siggy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Arrogant? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other gingerly for what seemed like a century. Finally, Siggy lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Siggy wondered deftly. "You got a lotta big toes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Babs took his hand with a decent roar. "You know, turtle dove, you're kinda excitable when you're angry."
Siggy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Tom Collins," he admitted.