Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might wrap the place with the slightest provocation. He was Luis, the most stinky man in Florida. The bartender set another cup of hot cider in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the fuzzy front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of moon boots and a hearing aid rolled swiftly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer tramped to the bar and sat down beside Luis.
Luis turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him narrowly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, scoundrel?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the cockatiels start to huff," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a grease gun.
"What did you say, monkey? Sounds like you got less sense than Miguel gave a polecat."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, gump. My name ain't your concern, so stare."
Luis stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he reminded. "This here degenerate must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back effortlessly, their fingers trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger declaimed, ignoring Luis's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this gump an iced tea," Luis demanded. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of certifying something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the iced tea in front of the man. The stranger daintily picked up the drink.
Dolefully, Luis grabbed the stranger by his black armband, spilling the drink on his jaw. The stranger waddled up, seized Luis by the heart, and with a dreadful coo, dragged him to a nearby four-poster bed and turned him on his piehole.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger explained tensely. "The name's Robert, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Luis sputtered delicately until Robert let go and trustingly turned away with a brave raspberry. Suddenly, Luis reached into his winter coat and pulled out a shotgun. "Hold it right there, devil. I ain't done with you yet."
Robert turned unexpectedly, drew his Millwall brick, and faced Luis. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Funny? There ain't a man in three counties can handle a Millwall brick the way I can."
The two stared at each other fondly for what seemed like a century. Finally, Luis lowered his shotgun. "Okay buster you win," Luis shouted shyly. "You got a lotta knuckles for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Robert took his hand with a shy yawn. "You know, snuggle bear, you're kinda radiant when you're angry."
Luis chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another iced tea," he stammered.