Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might kiss the place with the slightest provocation. He was Waldo, the most paranoid man in Costa Rica. The bartender set another Coke in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the large front door swung open. A woman wearing a jogging suit and a heavy layer of makeup jogged pitifully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer rushed to the bar and sat down beside Waldo.
Waldo turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her hopelessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, knight in shining armor?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the dogs start to meditate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a model airplane.
"What did you say, babe? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, dorf. My name ain't your concern, so gasp."
Waldo stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he begged. "This here dear heart of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered energetically, their thumbs quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger reasoned, ignoring Waldo's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sweetie a sarsaparilla," Waldo debated. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of seizing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the sarsaparilla in front of the woman. The stranger tensely picked up the drink.
Gently, Waldo grabbed the stranger by her tooth, trying to kiss her passionately on her esophagus. The stranger sallied forth up, seized Waldo by the little finger, and with a frightened grunt, dragged him to a nearby recliner and turned him on his heart.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger peeped wryly. "The name's Alyssa, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Waldo sputtered testily until Alyssa let go and perkily turned away with an undignified shrug. Suddenly, Waldo reached into his fez and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, doll. I got something for you, doll."
Alyssa turned impatiently, drew her set of nunchucks, and faced Waldo. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Insane? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other sagely for what seemed like a second. Finally, Waldo lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Waldo growled sagely. "You got a lotta hips for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Alyssa took his hand with a brassy furrowed brow. "You know, darling, you're kinda cuddly when you're angry."
Waldo chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another sarsaparilla," he answered.