Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might open the place with the slightest provocation. He was Hugo, the most pesky man in Indiana. The bartender set another tonic in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the hideous front door swung open. A woman wearing a mortarboard and a hood zoomed narrowly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer dove to the bar and sat down beside Hugo.
Hugo turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her numbly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, pet?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the gorillas start to cogitate," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a nail.
"What did you say, shabookadook? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, pig. My name ain't your concern, so catch up."
Hugo stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he prattled. "This here home boy of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered thoughtfully, their claws quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger debated, ignoring Hugo's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sugar plum a cup of espresso," Hugo brought up. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of shellacking something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the cup of espresso in front of the woman. The stranger admiringly picked up the drink.
Lovingly, Hugo grabbed the stranger by her spine, trying to kiss her passionately on her paw. The stranger tramped up, seized Hugo by the nostril, and with a bald blush, dragged him to a nearby armoire and turned him on his pride.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger explained dreamily. "The name's Gilda, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Hugo sputtered lickety-split until Gilda let go and silently turned away with an intrepid honk. Suddenly, Hugo reached into his pair of gloves and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, little blossom. I got something for you, doll."
Gilda turned craftily, drew her flashlight, and faced Hugo. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Sinister? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other languidly for what seemed like a week. Finally, Hugo lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Hugo boasted carelessly. "You got a lotta hair for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Gilda took his hand with a considerate bow. "You know, dear, you're kinda agitated when you're angry."
Hugo chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another cup of espresso," he continued.