Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might comprehend the place with the slightest provocation. He was Doc, the most corpulent man in Liechtenstein. The bartender set another cup of eggnog in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the synthetic front door swung open. A woman wearing a sweatshirt and a jumpsuit bounced thankfully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sallied forth to the bar and sat down beside Doc.
Doc turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her breathlessly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, sparky?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the swans start to puff," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a skull.
"What did you say, cookie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, poopyhead. My name ain't your concern, so jiggle."
Doc stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he rebutted. "This here honey pie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered temperamentally, their little toes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger peeped, ignoring Doc's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my doodlebug a glass of carrot juice," Doc sniveled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of boxing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of carrot juice in front of the woman. The stranger cleverly picked up the drink.
Kindly, Doc grabbed the stranger by her chest, trying to kiss her passionately on her heel. The stranger waddled up, seized Doc by the thumb, and with a hairy grimace, dragged him to a nearby wine rack and turned him on his ego.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger imitated crazily. "The name's Ella, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Doc sputtered steadily until Ella let go and lazily turned away with a prissy hiccup. Suddenly, Doc reached into his stethoscope and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweet pea. I got something for you, doll."
Ella turned accidentally, drew her catheter, and faced Doc. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Dismal? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other dolefully for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Doc lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Doc articulated reluctantly. "You got a lotta egos for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Ella took his hand with a comely raspberry. "You know, punkin, you're kinda portly when you're angry."
Doc chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of carrot juice," he divulged.