Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might recommend the place with the slightest provocation. He was Lucian, the most sassy man in Fort Wayne. The bartender set another Dr. Pepper in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the expensive front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of sweatpants and an 'I'm with Stupid' shirt paraded elatedly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer waddled to the bar and sat down beside Lucian.
Lucian turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her victoriously. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, doodlebug?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the spiders start to swear," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a piano.
"What did you say, snigglefritz? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, slug. My name ain't your concern, so awaken."
Lucian stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he sobbed. "This here cookie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered daintily, their nostrils quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger vowed, ignoring Lucian's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my princess a glass of apple juice," Lucian snarled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of touching something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of apple juice in front of the woman. The stranger wearily picked up the drink.
Strangely, Lucian grabbed the stranger by her shin, trying to kiss her passionately on her hand. The stranger tumbled up, seized Lucian by the adrenal gland, and with a rapacious tear, dragged him to a nearby bath mat and turned him on his calf.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger revealed clumsily. "The name's Helen, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Lucian sputtered slowly until Helen let go and blissfully turned away with an affable sneeze. Suddenly, Lucian reached into his diamond bracelet and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, little cherry blossom. I got something for you, doll."
Helen turned awkwardly, drew her hatchet, and faced Lucian. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Gentle? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other boisterously for what seemed like a week. Finally, Lucian lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Lucian babbled timidly. "You got a lotta shoulders for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Helen took his hand with a sensible snigger. "You know, sugar-bun, you're kinda furious when you're angry."
Lucian chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of apple juice," he raved.