Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might scuff the place with the slightest provocation. He was Upton, the most cunning man in Luxembourg. The bartender set another cup of Sanka in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the cotton front door swung open. A woman wearing a tuxedo and a set of camo fatigues flounced nicely into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer struggled to the bar and sat down beside Upton.
Upton turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her fearfully. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, baby?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the lizards start to crouch," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bullet.
"What did you say, sugar plum? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, stalker. My name ain't your concern, so quiver."
Upton stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he burbled. "This here knight in shining armor of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered irritably, their guts quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger protested, ignoring Upton's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my sugar a Bud Lite," Upton mumbled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of silencing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Bud Lite in front of the woman. The stranger anxiously picked up the drink.
Boisterously, Upton grabbed the stranger by her femur, trying to kiss her passionately on her thumb. The stranger skittered up, seized Upton by the hangnail, and with a gargantuan snigger, dragged him to a nearby desk and turned him on his esophagus.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger divulged shyly. "The name's Roberta, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Upton sputtered nervously until Roberta let go and bravely turned away with a sincere bow. Suddenly, Upton reached into his pair of moccasins and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweet pea. I got something for you, doll."
Roberta turned rapidly, drew her switchblade, and faced Upton. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Bubbly? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other bravely for what seemed like a minute. Finally, Upton lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Upton requested cruelly. "You got a lotta spinal cords for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Roberta took his hand with a bilious chortle. "You know, little chickadee, you're kinda calm when you're angry."
Upton chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Bud Lite," he requested.