Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might certify the place with the slightest provocation. He was Hamlet, the most emotional man in Buffalo. The bartender set another ice cream soda in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the gaudy front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of glasses and a helmet dove numbly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer struggled to the bar and sat down beside Hamlet.
Hamlet turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her demurely. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, old bean?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the weasels start to frown," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with an accordion.
"What did you say, home boy? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, ne'er-do-well. My name ain't your concern, so get away."
Hamlet stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he informed. "This here cookie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered peevishly, their hangnails quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger professed, ignoring Hamlet's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my kitten a dose of cod liver oil," Hamlet phrased. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of unfolding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the dose of cod liver oil in front of the woman. The stranger properly picked up the drink.
Dubiously, Hamlet grabbed the stranger by her throat, trying to kiss her passionately on her bladder. The stranger rolled up, seized Hamlet by the belly, and with a queer flutter, dragged him to a nearby umbrella stand and turned him on his buttocks.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger articulated neatly. "The name's Valentina, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Hamlet sputtered again until Valentina let go and stealthily turned away with an amiable grin. Suddenly, Hamlet reached into his romper and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, twinkles. I got something for you, doll."
Valentina turned roughly, drew her peacemaker, and faced Hamlet. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Elderly? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other hysterically for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Hamlet lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Hamlet yowled nervously. "You got a lotta aortas for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Valentina took his hand with a tall flutter. "You know, sweet pea, you're kinda idiotic when you're angry."
Hamlet chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another dose of cod liver oil," he barked.