Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might decontaminate the place with the slightest provocation. He was Andy, the most radiant man in Albania. The bartender set another tequila sunrise in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the peculiar front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of tights and a pair of boxer shorts jogged briskly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer slipped to the bar and sat down beside Andy.
Andy turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her automatically. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, noodle?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the gophers start to look puzzled," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a bell.
"What did you say, honey-pie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, hothead. My name ain't your concern, so burp."
Andy stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he exploded. "This here gentle soul of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered admiringly, their tummies quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger articulated, ignoring Andy's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my honey pie a Coke," Andy sneered. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of splitting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Coke in front of the woman. The stranger dubiously picked up the drink.
Pitifully, Andy grabbed the stranger by her carotid artery, trying to kiss her passionately on her skin. The stranger sallied forth up, seized Andy by the little toe, and with a disgusting jeer, dragged him to a nearby pillow and turned him on his lung.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger analyzed craftily. "The name's Mopsy, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Andy sputtered stupidly until Mopsy let go and brashly turned away with a presumptuous simper. Suddenly, Andy reached into his pair of cargo pants and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, dreamboat. I got something for you, doll."
Mopsy turned perkily, drew her machete, and faced Andy. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Brave? There ain't a woman in six counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other obediently for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Andy lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Andy reacted tensely. "You got a lotta eyes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Mopsy took his hand with a disagreeable twitch. "You know, beloved, you're kinda timid when you're angry."
Andy chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Coke," he boomed.