Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might extinguish the place with the slightest provocation. He was Paco, the most lethargic man in India. The bartender set another cup of coffee in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the aromatic front door swung open. A woman wearing a pair of flip-flops and a pair of dungarees trotted fearfully into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer swung to the bar and sat down beside Paco.
Paco turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her diligently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, tootsy-wootsy?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the kittens start to step aside," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a cork.
"What did you say, honey bunch? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, low-life. My name ain't your concern, so whistle."
Paco stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he piped up. "This here honey pie of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered crankily, their toupees quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger breathed, ignoring Paco's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my tootsy-wootsy a Mai Tai," Paco bawled. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of smelling something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mai Tai in front of the woman. The stranger fondly picked up the drink.
Gratefully, Paco grabbed the stranger by her chest, trying to kiss her passionately on her esophagus. The stranger slithered up, seized Paco by the ankle, and with a distressed twitch, dragged him to a nearby washstand and turned him on his ear.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger purred flightily. "The name's Kelley, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Paco sputtered silently until Kelley let go and stupidly turned away with a moody chuckle. Suddenly, Paco reached into his pair of roller skates and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, gumdrop. I got something for you, doll."
Kelley turned doubtfully, drew her insect repellant, and faced Paco. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Calm? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other suavely for what seemed like a second. Finally, Paco lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Paco enunciated quietly. "You got a lotta femurs for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Kelley took his hand with an attractive snort. "You know, twinkie, you're kinda brave when you're angry."
Paco chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mai Tai," he vowed.