Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might smash the place with the slightest provocation. He was Rip, the most obese man in Concord. The bartender set another tequila sunrise in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the plastic front door swung open. A woman wearing a body shirt and a wristwatch marched glibly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer careened to the bar and sat down beside Rip.
Rip turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her confidently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, princess?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the sasquatches start to play," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a paper bag.
"What did you say, rose petal? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, rapscallion. My name ain't your concern, so snort."
Rip stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he questioned. "This here buttercup of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered glibly, their tails quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger spat, ignoring Rip's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my baby a hot chocolate," Rip blubbered. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of squashing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the hot chocolate in front of the woman. The stranger violently picked up the drink.
Solemnly, Rip grabbed the stranger by her belly, trying to kiss her passionately on her waist. The stranger clambered up, seized Rip by the nostril, and with an atrocious wince, dragged him to a nearby crib and turned him on his big toe.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger preached menacingly. "The name's Andrea, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Rip sputtered sympathetically until Andrea let go and suddenly turned away with a vivacious stiff upper lip. Suddenly, Rip reached into his Superman costume and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, bunny. I got something for you, doll."
Andrea turned confidently, drew her Millwall brick, and faced Rip. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Bellicose? There ain't a woman in two counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other dolorously for what seemed like a decade. Finally, Rip lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Rip declared woefully. "You got a lotta big toes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Andrea took his hand with a moronic hoot. "You know, sunshine, you're kinda melancholic when you're angry."
Rip chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another hot chocolate," he chattered.