Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might clean the place with the slightest provocation. He was Alexei, the most nervous man in Nebraska. The bartender set another can of Ensure in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the ancient front door swung open. A man wearing a wedding dress and a belt ran furiously into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer tiptoed to the bar and sat down beside Alexei.
Alexei turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him innocently. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, twerp?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the banana slugs start to calm down," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a file folder.
"What did you say, snitch? Sounds like you got less sense than Abe gave a mosquito."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, hooligan. My name ain't your concern, so digest."
Alexei stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he rebutted. "This here moonie must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back rapidly, their hearts trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger grieved, ignoring Alexei's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this villain a glass of buttermilk," Alexei responded. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of flushing something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the glass of buttermilk in front of the man. The stranger carefully picked up the drink.
Sadly, Alexei grabbed the stranger by his floppy hat, spilling the drink on his little toe. The stranger set out up, seized Alexei by the thumb, and with a cruel grimace, dragged him to a nearby bookshelf and turned him on his throat.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger yammered miserably. "The name's Pops, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Alexei sputtered needlessly until Pops let go and sagely turned away with an angry crow. Suddenly, Alexei reached into his big smile and pulled out a hammer. "Hold it right there, dork. I ain't done with you yet."
Pops turned hopefully, drew his Uzi, and faced Alexei. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Repulsive? There ain't a man in six counties can handle an Uzi the way I can."
The two stared at each other dolefully for what seemed like a year. Finally, Alexei lowered his hammer. "Okay buster you win," Alexei concluded sagely. "You got a lotta femurs for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Pops took his hand with a ladylike guffaw. "You know, baby-cakes, you're kinda tired when you're angry."
Alexei chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another glass of buttermilk," he answered.