Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might clamp the place with the slightest provocation. He was Donnie Bob, the most articulate man in Jersey City. The bartender set another Seven and Seven in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the damaged front door swung open. A man wearing a pair of flip-flops and a pair of earmuffs blundered sleepily into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer sneaked to the bar and sat down beside Donnie Bob.
Donnie Bob turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at him clumsily. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, drunken royster?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the polar bears start to squint," the man replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a pacifier.
"What did you say, stinker? Sounds like you got less sense than Elijah gave a tsetse fly."
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, joker. My name ain't your concern, so get away."
Donnie Bob stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he phrased. "This here louse must wanna find out who's runnin' this place."
The bartender and the other customers moved back suspiciously, their noses trembling.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger sighed, ignoring Donnie Bob's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring this goose a Bloody Mary," Donnie Bob professed. "I want to get to know him better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of trimming something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Bloody Mary in front of the man. The stranger hungrily picked up the drink.
Ingeniously, Donnie Bob grabbed the stranger by his black belt, spilling the drink on his beard. The stranger clambered up, seized Donnie Bob by the antenna, and with a weary grunt, dragged him to a nearby credenza and turned him on his pituitary gland.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a newcomer from now on," the stranger taunted madly. "The name's Smiley, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Donnie Bob sputtered fervently until Smiley let go and needlessly turned away with a fashionable sniff. Suddenly, Donnie Bob reached into his midi skirt and pulled out a switchblade. "Hold it right there, halfwit. I ain't done with you yet."
Smiley turned valiantly, drew his quick retort, and faced Donnie Bob. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Dreadful? There ain't a man in four counties can handle a quick retort the way I can."
The two stared at each other uneasily for what seemed like a fortnight. Finally, Donnie Bob lowered his switchblade. "Okay buster you win," Donnie Bob jeered boisterously. "You got a lotta skulls for a man. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward him. Smiley took his hand with a perky hug. "You know, poopsie, you're kinda perky when you're angry."
Donnie Bob chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Bloody Mary," he conversed.