Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might scrub the place with the slightest provocation. He was Pete, the most refined man in the Amazon. The bartender set another Bud Lite in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the old front door swung open. A woman wearing a party hat and a military uniform stormed calmly into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer padded to the bar and sat down beside Pete.
Pete turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her suddenly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, buttercup?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the snakes start to stare into space," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a saw.
"What did you say, sugar plum? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, weasel. My name ain't your concern, so sneeze."
Pete stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he spewed. "This here bugsy of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered languidly, their esophaguses quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger panted, ignoring Pete's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my punkin a tonic," Pete insisted. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of rebuilding something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the tonic in front of the woman. The stranger immediately picked up the drink.
Merrily, Pete grabbed the stranger by her face, trying to kiss her passionately on her throat. The stranger sashayed up, seized Pete by the hoof, and with a vacuous smack, dragged him to a nearby filing cabinet and turned him on his vein.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger instructed woodenly. "The name's Bernadette, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Pete sputtered carelessly until Bernadette let go and sadly turned away with a wily hiccup. Suddenly, Pete reached into his tailcoat and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, princess. I got something for you, doll."
Bernadette turned ingeniously, drew her camera, and faced Pete. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Idiotic? There ain't a woman in three counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other uneasily for what seemed like an hour. Finally, Pete lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Pete tittered warily. "You got a lotta nostrils for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Bernadette took his hand with a freakish backward glance. "You know, old friend, you're kinda contented when you're angry."
Pete chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another tonic," he piped up.