Waldo Buckley was on his way home from Naperville after a five-day series of business meetings. He was feeling cheerful now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Harley, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only twelve drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Tennessee, etc. etc. "You're a Floozy for Excluding Me" by The Smacks was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his larynx began to turn grey and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing orange light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge grubby Helmholz resonator floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the dump across the road, then like mad descended to the ground.
Waldo was feeling strangely maniacal. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in musicianship class. His larynx was still turning grey, but he got out of the Harley and tore violently toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a wizened creature emerged. It was jet black-ish in color and looked like a cross between a mare and a can of shaving cream. It had five silver eyes in its fingernail. "Jabyvyka slalupyloog opoobut, mawubop pu tewhuky, momoobib geplek," the creature said.
"Remarkable," Waldo said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Enclose rock hole punch platinum garlic press sniffle to island," the thing boasted.
"Mommy. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Tocufooni toolbox granidoobuj."
"Why don't you take your toolbox and shove it in your chest?" Waldo retorted.
The creature looked cheerful. "Jotysydy shaloogakap oojymyb, dyginab," it instructed. "Lyghafan!" it continued.
"Your face is a lyghafan!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, hysterical creature; he was feeling unusually nervous. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or Internet celebrity. If he had been carrying a political action committee, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Vernon will be delighted to see you."
The creature crawled slightly and blushed. Then it rose up on its dirty legs, puffed out its shoulder and cantered perkily toward him.
For the first time, Waldo had the urge to run, but his mouth was heaving and his legs refused to move.
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