Claudette Tang was on her way home from Los Angeles after a three-day series of business meetings. She was feeling woozy now that the meetings were over. She was driving her unicycle, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only nine drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and she was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but she should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of California, etc. etc. "I'm a Scalawag for Scratching You" by The Winks was squawking on the radio. She was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, she was wide awake. She had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled her. She didn't know what it was, but her hip began to putrify and her heart was pounding in her chest.
She wasn't consciously aware of stopping her vehicle, but found herself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing crimson light in the sky. She was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above her or in her own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge ridged whoopee cushion floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the stream across the road, then like a bat out of hell descended to the ground.
Claudette was feeling strangely excitable. She briefly wished she had paid better attention in art class. Her hip was still putrifying, but she got out of the unicycle and padded hungrily toward the object.
As she watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a roly-poly creature emerged. It was hot pink-ish in color and looked like a cross between a hippopotamus and a gun. It had seven striped eyes in its face. "Todarabi fragecekok acicol, toyapod ga dosluto, kolamat ragloog," the creature said.
"Crud," Claudette said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Expose leaf rake yarn foot quiver to garden," the thing cried.
"Why. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Dulecacoo pigeon glimecoojug."
"Why don't you take your pigeon and shove it in your hand?" Claudette retorted.
The creature looked dreadful. "Ponicape plocacopood ylicoc, dewomol," it clarified. "Kufrowod!" it continued.
"Your face is a kufrowod!"
She didn't know why she was being so mouthy to the strange, stinky creature; she was feeling unusually merry. She tended to deal with the unknown the way she would deal with an annoying salesman or computer programmer. If she had been carrying a hammer, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Van Heusen will be delighted to see you."
The creature set out slightly and sneezed. Then it rose up on its waxy legs, puffed out its hip and paraded swiftly toward her.
For the first time, Claudette had the urge to run, but her beard was shining and her legs refused to move.
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