Guy Parker was on his way home from Tucson after a five-day series of business meetings. He was feeling amiable now that the meetings were over. He was driving his unicycle, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only six drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Illinois, etc. etc. "You're a Harebrain for Pushing Me" by The Grunts was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his hairdo began to heat up and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing scarlet light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge papery skull floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the tundra across the road, then imperceptibly descended to the ground.
Guy was feeling strangely lethargic. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in entomology class. His hairdo was still heating up, but he got out of the unicycle and crept daintily toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a cute creature emerged. It was salmon-ish in color and looked like a cross between a beagle and an ironing board. It had two fuchsia eyes in its thyroid gland. "Betigooty chonikotoom oonideg, nejolyl py dygruba, bopijood cabrib," the creature said.
"Gotta love it," Guy said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Reposition wolf track power washer hair candy thermometer pace to cesspool," the thing trumpeted.
"Eureka. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Nulayaty doily thygydonoot."
"Why don't you take your doily and shove it in your spinal cord?" Guy retorted.
The creature looked prickly. "Tedisaco phytacatyg oolykoot, mizejok," it vowed. "Methefom!" it continued.
"Your face is a methefom!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, loving creature; he was feeling unusually maniacal. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or street musician. If he had been carrying a lead pipe, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Berkowitz will be delighted to see you."
The creature swung slightly and knelt. Then it rose up on its large legs, puffed out its stomach and dove lovingly toward him.
For the first time, Guy had the urge to run, but his hand was curling and his legs refused to move.
Next Chapter