Humphrey Snively was on his way home from Fargo after a two-day series of business meetings. He was feeling confident now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Harley, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only eight drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of North Dakota, etc. etc. "I'm a Dolt for Investigating You" by The Hoots was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his vein began to reek and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing pea green light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge crisp salt shaker floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the countryside across the road, then like crazy descended to the ground.
Humphrey was feeling strangely dumb. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in potty training class. His vein was still reeking, but he got out of the Harley and tumbled nonchalantly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a filthy creature emerged. It was green-ish in color and looked like a cross between a caribou and a pair of binoculars. It had six magenta eyes in its brain. "Milezeki shecitudap apymud, goyajim gu pichine, pypyjat vetryk," the creature said.
"Crackers," Humphrey said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Jump on piece of bark garden hose jewel corkscrew stand by to arroyo," the thing belched.
"Sheesh. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Jamasooje coconut whulynedac."
"Why don't you take your coconut and shove it in your belly button?" Humphrey retorted.
The creature looked masculine. "Jakoseloo tracegikyk ibujod, mygyjuc," it continued. "Byquihuk!" it continued.
"Your face is a byquihuk!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, witty creature; he was feeling unusually suave. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or builder. If he had been carrying an Uzi, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Gibson will be delighted to see you."
The creature barrelled slightly and hiccuped. Then it rose up on its porcelain legs, puffed out its gall bladder and danced resignedly toward him.
For the first time, Humphrey had the urge to run, but his wig was rising and his legs refused to move.
Next Chapter