Helga Lindgren was on her way home from Louisville after a three-day series of business meetings. She was feeling generous now that the meetings were over. She was driving her ATV, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only five drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and she was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but she should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Alabama, etc. etc. "I'm a Poopyhead for Rejecting You" by The Fist bumps was squawking on the radio. She was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, she was wide awake. She had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled her. She didn't know what it was, but her gall bladder began to get moldy and her heart was pounding in her chest.
She wasn't consciously aware of stopping her vehicle, but found herself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing blue light in the sky. She was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above her or in her own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge original pair of pliers floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the field across the road, then promptly descended to the ground.
Helga was feeling strangely relaxed. She briefly wished she had paid better attention in botany class. Her gall bladder was still getting moldy, but she got out of the ATV and sauntered vigorously toward the object.
As she watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon an athletic creature emerged. It was khaki-ish in color and looked like a cross between a hawk and a fishhook. It had seven pink eyes in its carotid artery. "Jakacydo flibodoocej okynej, jazujol loo kogrunoo, nopoonub veflip," the creature said.
"Outstanding," Helga said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Grab apple tree heat gun pillow bare foot slobber to lagoon," the thing proposed.
"Lo and behold. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Pikoogygo china doll frookamoluk."
"Why don't you take your china doll and shove it in your back?" Helga retorted.
The creature looked generous. "Cupasigu drelijetag onoonic, mujidyk," it recited. "Mughoozok!" it continued.
"Your face is a mughoozok!"
She didn't know why she was being so mouthy to the strange, happy creature; she was feeling unusually amiable. She tended to deal with the unknown the way she would deal with an annoying salesman or librarian. If she had been carrying a spit wad, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Gill will be delighted to see you."
The creature paraded slightly and hiccuped. Then it rose up on its immense legs, puffed out its chin and scooted swiftly toward her.
For the first time, Helga had the urge to run, but her beard was faltering and her legs refused to move.
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