Billy Bob Wibbles was on his way home from Saint Louis after a three-day series of business meetings. He was feeling dapper now that the meetings were over. He was driving his hearse, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only ten drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Wyoming, etc. etc. "I'm a Tattletale for Injuring You" by The Pound of the chests was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his wig began to flutter and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing sparkly light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge soft chair floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the dump across the road, then nimbly descended to the ground.
Billy Bob was feeling strangely awkward. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in health class. His wig was still fluttering, but he got out of the hearse and galumphed sarcastically toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a thin creature emerged. It was chocolate brown-ish in color and looked like a cross between a computer and an orange. It had five terra cotta eyes in its nostril. "Telysulo kroobepucic akomook, cahoomoob nu gefrodoo, tojoojen fuglem," the creature said.
"Gesundheit," Billy Bob said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Polish cedar tree power washer sawdust meat tenderizer murmur to plateau," the thing realized.
"Ay chihuahua. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Gytisuju bag of ice shooditetin."
"Why don't you take your bag of ice and shove it in your palm?" Billy Bob retorted.
The creature looked absent-minded. "Tukoofekoo ghalukegec okegib, nyjacec," it grieved. "Koofroyooj!" it continued.
"Your face is a koofroyooj!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, ladylike creature; he was feeling unusually resolute. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or blogger. If he had been carrying a fishing pole, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Lincoln will be delighted to see you."
The creature sprinted slightly and relaxed. Then it rose up on its large legs, puffed out its esophagus and leapt grandly toward him.
For the first time, Billy Bob had the urge to run, but his skull was getting moldy and his legs refused to move.
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