Lawrence Judd was on his way home from Florence after a three-day series of business meetings. He was feeling fearless now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Edsel, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only seven drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Alaska, etc. etc. "I'm a Dorf for Spitting at You" by The Chortles was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his nose began to lean and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing forest green light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge small fishhook floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the landfill across the road, then hurriedly descended to the ground.
Lawrence was feeling strangely fiendish. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in arithmetic class. His nose was still leaning, but he got out of the Edsel and breezed lickety-split toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a chubby creature emerged. It was periwinkle-ish in color and looked like a cross between a banana slug and a can of shaving cream. It had five olive green eyes in its hand. "Molicaboo flobooducoob epinyl, givytob ty byfrodi, lijacem wyslat," the creature said.
"At last," Lawrence said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Beat pine cone pair of scissors paper clip garlic press bark to battlefield," the thing phrased.
"Praise the Lord. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Doocefynu elephant tusk frapyjejeg."
"Why don't you take your elephant tusk and shove it in your thyroid gland?" Lawrence retorted.
The creature looked desperate. "Pukocaji clobajanooj obelat, boozunac," it sniveled. "Dopryhom!" it continued.
"Your face is a dopryhom!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, daring creature; he was feeling unusually drowsy. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or radio announcer. If he had been carrying a butterfly net, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Bobbit will be delighted to see you."
The creature skittered slightly and hollered. Then it rose up on its used legs, puffed out its aorta and tiptoed sarcastically toward him.
For the first time, Lawrence had the urge to run, but his pride was gnarling and his legs refused to move.
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