Conrad James was on his way home from Waterloo after a five-day series of business meetings. He was feeling desperate now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Toyota Land Cruiser, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only four drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of New Jersey, etc. etc. "I'm a Psycho for Tricking You" by The Dope slaps was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his toupee began to get moldy and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing khaki light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge magnificent Happy Meal floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the country meadow across the road, then chop-chop descended to the ground.
Conrad was feeling strangely suave. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in botany class. His toupee was still getting moldy, but he got out of the Toyota Land Cruiser and hopped trustingly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a sexy creature emerged. It was purple-ish in color and looked like a cross between a burro and a stuffed owl. It had six purple eyes in its eyelid. "Dycafoono flecoomicup oloocyd, towidyl dy gogridu, dupidap hakluj," the creature said.
"Arrrgh," Conrad said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Sharpen badger hole heat gun asphalt chopstick sleep to dump," the thing declaimed.
"Not so fast. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Nukayacu paper clip croojucucood."
"Why don't you take your paper clip and shove it in your tummy?" Conrad retorted.
The creature looked bouncy. "Lopujooke krecoogilob ukajal, dicyjuk," it brought up. "Nachefil!" it continued.
"Your face is a nachefil!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, careful creature; he was feeling unusually brave. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or farmer. If he had been carrying a bazooka, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Pacheco will be delighted to see you."
The creature made a beeline slightly and puffed. Then it rose up on its crude legs, puffed out its back and flew hungrily toward him.
For the first time, Conrad had the urge to run, but his eyelid was wandering and his legs refused to move.
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