Archie Austin was on his way home from Winston-Salem after a three-day series of business meetings. He was feeling stubborn now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Yugo, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only ten drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Maryland, etc. etc. "You're a Whippersnapper for Chatting with Me" by The Hoots was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his intestine began to roll and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing sea green light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge fluffy shovel floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the grassland across the road, then imperceptibly descended to the ground.
Archie was feeling strangely disagreeable. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in science class. His intestine was still rolling, but he got out of the Yugo and scampered lamely toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a youthful creature emerged. It was lavender-ish in color and looked like a cross between a hedgehog and a baton. It had five purple eyes in its ego. "Banecuku ghokamonip ecadym, jooyikyb doo tepruli, cotibac ridrud," the creature said.
"Bada bing bada boom," Archie said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Scrape cedar tree curling iron pewter oven mitt deal cards to hayfield," the thing uttered.
"Now we're talking. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Toonoojooke fingernail clipper tratunoomyk."
"Why don't you take your fingernail clipper and shove it in your skull?" Archie retorted.
The creature looked princely. "Tikesypoo shatoogoonaj ycomal, mivootej," it asserted. "Goowrewuc!" it continued.
"Your face is a goowrewuc!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, dependable creature; he was feeling unusually ambitious. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or chemist. If he had been carrying a ukulele, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Caldwell will be delighted to see you."
The creature padded slightly and barked. Then it rose up on its decrepit legs, puffed out its toupee and blundered dolefully toward him.
For the first time, Archie had the urge to run, but his waist was getting stiff and his legs refused to move.
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