LaDue Wapner was on his way home from Mogadishu after a two-day series of business meetings. He was feeling cruel now that the meetings were over. He was driving his garbage truck, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only six drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Colorado, etc. etc. "I'm a Stumblebum for Bumping You" by The Guffaws was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his eyelash began to freeze and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing mauve light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge fabulous tote bag floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the cesspool across the road, then reluctantly descended to the ground.
LaDue was feeling strangely peculiar. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in penmanship class. His eyelash was still freezing, but he got out of the garbage truck and flounced calmly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon an eye-catching creature emerged. It was tan-ish in color and looked like a cross between a German Shepherd and a cell phone. It had three forest green eyes in its wrist. "Typyhoopi prajoojyjib ijekyk, mifoomik po toowhygo, bugubok googhyl," the creature said.
"Righto," LaDue said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Extend sea shell jigsaw sugar oven mitt smile to dumpster," the thing repeated.
"Turn blue. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Bapeyacu calling card kliledapok."
"Why don't you take your calling card and shove it in your rib?" LaDue retorted.
The creature looked ambitious. "Bidusanoo drulycyjaj ijadek, kogalun," it chimed. "Doosluyoog!" it continued.
"Your face is a doosluyoog!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, spindly creature; he was feeling unusually maniacal. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or au pair. If he had been carrying a knife, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Young will be delighted to see you."
The creature went slightly and exhaled. Then it rose up on its smelly legs, puffed out its esophagus and stormed vigorously toward him.
For the first time, LaDue had the urge to run, but his liver was freaking out and his legs refused to move.
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