Triffid Smiley was on her way home from Fargo after a four-day series of business meetings. She was feeling dumb now that the meetings were over. She was driving her paddy wagon, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only twelve drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and she was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but she should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Hawaii, etc. etc. "You're a Cootieface for Forgetting Me" by The Cheers was squawking on the radio. She was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, she was wide awake. She had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled her. She didn't know what it was, but her appendix began to sink and her heart was pounding in her chest.
She wasn't consciously aware of stopping her vehicle, but found herself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing jet black light in the sky. She was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above her or in her own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge jagged blanket floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the village across the road, then like a bat out of hell descended to the ground.
Triffid was feeling strangely lazy. She briefly wished she had paid better attention in astronomy class. Her appendix was still sinking, but she got out of the paddy wagon and darted uneasily toward the object.
As she watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a frail creature emerged. It was golden-ish in color and looked like a cross between an alligator and a book. It had eight amber eyes in its esophagus. "Gujocile brigadanom ejajam, byrukep ne dyglupu, cutebyd fochyk," the creature said.
"Crap," Triffid said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Hide dead fish file sheet metal melon baller barf to plateau," the thing sniveled.
"Idiot. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Nylywate dead cow chejydogad."
"Why don't you take your dead cow and shove it in your forehead?" Triffid retorted.
The creature looked haughty. "Tipoohicy crakoojynyd ootocyc, looyygid," it cackled. "Koopluyyt!" it continued.
"Your face is a koopluyyt!"
She didn't know why she was being so mouthy to the strange, menacing creature; she was feeling unusually distressed. She tended to deal with the unknown the way she would deal with an annoying salesman or hoarder. If she had been carrying an insult, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Beagle will be delighted to see you."
The creature slunk slightly and laughed. Then it rose up on its immense legs, puffed out its face and tiptoed majestically toward her.
For the first time, Triffid had the urge to run, but her spine was jumping and her legs refused to move.
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