Wallace Ward was on his way home from Madison after a five-day series of business meetings. He was feeling amiable now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Volkswagon Golf, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only seven drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Florida, etc. etc. "I'm a Baby for Challenging You" by The Stiff upper lips was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his midriff began to hang down and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing mauve light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge rigid rock floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the cave across the road, then lethargically descended to the ground.
Wallace was feeling strangely cruel. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in cartography class. His midriff was still hanging down, but he got out of the Volkswagon Golf and reeled delicately toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a homely creature emerged. It was chartreuse-ish in color and looked like a cross between a boar and a bird feeder. It had two golden eyes in its piehole. "Toojozucoo gribipeloc enytet, jacicuj ni dagricy, tedakot rytrut," the creature said.
"Absolutely," Wallace said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Flush apple tree sledgehammer asphalt sharp knife blank out to valley," the thing interpreted.
"Unreal. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Lojisanu chess set grakokoobyn."
"Why don't you take your chess set and shove it in your toupee?" Wallace retorted.
The creature looked menacing. "Pytycedoo chimypamyc odookool, poorulac," it inquired. "Giquoorej!" it continued.
"Your face is a giquoorej!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, sexy creature; he was feeling unusually cantankerous. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or soldier. If he had been carrying a quick retort, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Gupta will be delighted to see you."
The creature tramped slightly and meditated. Then it rose up on its unusual legs, puffed out its hoof and waddled ingeniously toward him.
For the first time, Wallace had the urge to run, but his Achilles tendon was acting weird and his legs refused to move.
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