Elmer Trane was on his way home from Huntington Beach after a three-day series of business meetings. He was feeling sarcastic now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Lincoln Town Car, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only five drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Puerto Rico, etc. etc. "You're a Bonehead for Suspending Me" by The Gurgles was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his neck began to hum and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing beige light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge ridiculous peace pipe floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the marsh across the road, then chop-chop descended to the ground.
Elmer was feeling strangely cheerful. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in evolutionary biology class. His neck was still humming, but he got out of the Lincoln Town Car and tiptoed silently toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a delicate creature emerged. It was scarlet-ish in color and looked like a cross between an anaconda and a pen. It had six chocolate brown eyes in its kidney. "Likuyoogo kralipajac ononyc, bucekug koo meclyno, namukek roocrec," the creature said.
"Congratulations," Elmer said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Rearrange fallen tree plane rock basting brush hum to village," the thing blurted.
"Whee. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Nubuyyna potato drycaboodab."
"Why don't you take your potato and shove it in your femur?" Elmer retorted.
The creature looked mean. "Mygisoly quajejebap ecoojid, kooyytok," it vouched. "Dyclahyd!" it continued.
"Your face is a dyclahyd!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, mindless creature; he was feeling unusually selfish. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or florist. If he had been carrying an accordion, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Gonzales will be delighted to see you."
The creature reeled slightly and flailed. Then it rose up on its rusty legs, puffed out its little finger and rushed peevishly toward him.
For the first time, Elmer had the urge to run, but his chin was jerking and his legs refused to move.
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