Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are probably annoying your girlfriend.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Man does not live by egg salad sandwich alone.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are boring and dumb.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's nothing that a little radiance wouldn't help.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Hot diggety dog!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will inherit seventy-nine thousand dollars and a large number of etchings.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Give her an evasive answer.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -