Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have a hirsute nature.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Look both ways before you collapse.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- My, my, look at you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of baton twirling.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Take a ride in a flatbed truck!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -