Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You became bellicose because your father double-crossed you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- I hope you aren't carrying mincemeat in your pocket.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be bold and ask Broderick for a notepad.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Consider heading northwest.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your newest friend thinks you are hysterical.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Avoid working puzzles in the patio tonight.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will outgrow your cummerbund.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as Barbie dolls, peanuts, and cream puffs.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -