Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You may find a cream puff to be very important tomorrow.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a bat, the tail of a bat, and the face of a prairie dog.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be reincarnated as an alligator, and you will be much happier.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- An encounter with a gila monster may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will look suave wearing a crimson jogging suit.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- My, my, look at you!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will soon forget this.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It might be a good idea to cover a teacup.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Maybe you should build a junk car out of nuts and bolts.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Have a mint julep on me.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -