Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- December will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will outgrow your bra.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- I hope you aren't carrying chicken broth in your pocket.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- An upholsterer has been giving you the eye.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Ron may have called you a nut, but don't take it personally.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You look good in a polka dotted belly button jewel.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- This is not a good day to spank a skunk.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Change all your passwords.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- The older you get, the more corpulent you become.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -