Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Parson will give you a Monopoly game for your birthday.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Consider carrying a dart gun for your protection.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will get what you deserve.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- When was the last time you spoke to Bonita?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Better ease up on the chopped liver.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of cottage cheese and yeast.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming an air traffic controller.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -