Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Enlist the services of a slave as soon as possible.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go to a supermarket and go wild with your credit card.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Have a gin sour on me.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go to dinner at Singapore Food Factory.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Have a glass of milk on me.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are as intense as a ditch digger.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Take care of your thyroid gland; no one else is going to do it for you!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a metallic red visor.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -