Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be prepared for a visit from a pawnbroker.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your best friend secretly loves cabbage.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Graaawk!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- My, my, look at you!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might try physical therapy.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Someone named Kenneth is likely to call you. Find out his real motive before you agree to anything!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have a talent for scrubbing floors.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's nothing that a little difficultness wouldn't help.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -