Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Put some bonbons and prime rib on your plate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Consider heading west.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better not put on that military uniform yet.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may get bitten by an angry cow.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a talent for snoring.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Do something unusual today. Photograph an abacus.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You could be a master of sculpting.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -