Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will inherit eighty-nine thousand dollars and a large number of Hostess Ding Dongs.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Mazda RX-7.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- An encounter with a lark may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Beware of an excitable man wearing a suit of armor.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You look good in a purple pair of Reeboks.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Is this some sort of joke?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -