Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a sports writer.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your lucky number is 150296.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't label a suitcase today.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell canes door to door.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your spine is going to start flaring up.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Born to be wild!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -