Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If someone tries to give you an apple, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't slam a football today.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Hot diggety dog!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You have a talent for skiing.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Consider carrying a truncheon for your protection.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Harley thinks you're acting like a flamingo.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Have an ice cream soda on me.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -