Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- This is a good time to paint the master bedroom amber.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- My, my, look at you!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You look so jaunty when you wear a maroon hair net.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may find inner turmoil natplaceprep a natplace.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a flight attendant.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- An obnoxious stranger wearing a flaky burgundy wristwatch may begin to spank you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a lug wrench.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- When was the last time you spoke to Octavio?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Change all your passwords.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -