Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Signs point to no.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have an agitated nature.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to a valley and look for a weed.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be on the lookout for a McDonald's fry-cook carrying a stick.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You don't look so suave with powdered milk in your teeth.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have nothing to lose by wrestling with Chum.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- This is a good time to paint the workshop rose.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Excellent day for putting stuffed kittens on a hammock.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may encounter a cocker spaniel in a housing development.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -