Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go to a river and look for a piece of bark.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you skilled in worldly ways.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell carrots door to door.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should go to Cairo.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Excellent day for putting protest signs on a bookshelf.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have an excitable nature.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -