Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look both ways before you purr.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go to a pub and go wild with your credit card.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out jaws?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Next Wednesday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of making jewelry.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to a path and look for a spider web.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -