Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will inherit forty-four million dollars and a large number of notepads.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Time to clean up your act.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are as jolly as a cellist.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You became contented because your father hypnotized you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Someone named Sanjay Burtle may take legal action against you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear an emerald green necklace.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take your time and think it over.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Keep your extra cash in a flagon this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -