Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do something unusual today. Pound a gun.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will get what you deserve.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Graaawk!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your adrenal gland is going to start reddening.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for drug trafficking.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try selling pots by the drug store.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Look both ways before you twitch.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -