Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing she tells you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing she tells you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Put some lamb curry and succotash on your plate.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a disgusting spring. Take twenty-three paces north, then thirty-eight paces to your right. Sit down there.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Ask a friend for a toothbrush.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a chainsaw.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will receive a package containing a disgusting clipboard.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It may already be too late.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Ruby may have called you a snake, but don't take it personally.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -