Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Someone named Ashley is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a forest green sombrero.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might try a cheek implant.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should go to Chattanooga.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You'll have a hard time getting Gretchen out of your head.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your present plans will be a success.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Next Saturday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will look suave wearing an ivory stethoscope.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You remind people of a lion.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Skydiving ought to be your priority for the time being.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are a person of understanding.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -