Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should earn a degree in alchemy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell sacks door to door.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Consider heading south.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should go home.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Group needs you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon move to a boxcar.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are probably dishonoring your wife.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You feel the need to fall back on your apoplectic ways.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your tooth smells like tobacco.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -