Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will attract jaunty and prissy people to your home.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have a will that can be influenced by anyone.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If your heel starts wrinkling, you should get cryotherapy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are as creepy as a disk jockey.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a router.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your aim is high and to the left.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should dedicate your spare time to glassblowing.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -