Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are as selfish as a fireman.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will look suave wearing a teal Eton jacket.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are probably reassuring your wife.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Tibet you've been dreaming about. Leave the Band-aid at home!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will inherit a small part of a gully.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may find inner peace natplaceprep a natplace.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You would be happier at a ball game.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You look so melancholic when you wear a sea green pair of boxer shorts.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You think today was strange...
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -