Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go to a cliff and look for a bit of litter.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is that hair growing on your tail?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Change all your passwords.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- The power of hirsuteness makes us wary.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will be reincarnated as a kangaroo, and you will be much happier.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should go to Albuquerque.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try selling rags by the gym.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will have a long and pleasant discussion with your mom.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You don't look so suave with orange juice in your teeth.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do something unusual today. Hide a baby doll.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -