Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should consider switching to a career as a welder.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Expect a call from the Chamber of Commerce.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should dedicate your spare time to candle making.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't lengthen a hacksaw today.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You look good in a pea green bathrobe.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Look both ways before you carry on.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Avoid wood carving in the auditorium tonight.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will inherit forty-four million dollars and a large number of cupcakes.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be bold and ask Jamie for a hand puppet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- If Nickolas stops by, try not to dilly-dally.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -