Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You look good in a purple veil.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your life is a metaphorical shovel.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A G.I. Joe may be the best way to occupy your time.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better not take off that heavy layer of makeup yet.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Anna may have called you a poopyhead, but don't take it personally.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as ropes, rulers, and acorns.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- What's that smell?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be on the lookout for a crazy rattlesnake.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a cage.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -