Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If Deirdre stops by, try not to stretch.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a cement truck.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Have a gimlet on me.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If your neck starts whistling, you should get herbal therapy.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are reading this.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your fierce ways.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It may already be too late.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Look forward to a wet day.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a bird feeder.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will inherit twenty-six thousand dollars and a large number of joints.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Is this the best you can do?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -