Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a compass.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a fuchsia flour sack.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Avoid golfing in the hall tonight.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are reading this.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It may already be too late.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon move to a quonset hut.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will receive a package containing a charming ingot of plutonium.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- This is a good time to paint the library yellow.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have a desperate nature.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -