Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It's nothing that a little evilness wouldn't help.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- This is a good time to paint the laundry room orange.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a jade toga.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $30.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your tummy is going to start twitching.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Try wearing a diaper tomorrow.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -