Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- The power of childishness makes us bubbly.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your hair is going to start leaning.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Next time you want to communicate with your boss, try a therapist.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may get bitten by a gargantuan ladybug.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will attract childish and stinky people to your home.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- They will greet you with a gasp tomorrow.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go outside and gather a basket of flowers. Give them to Carla.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -