Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Put some lobster and egg drop soup on your plate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may get bitten by an amiable baboon.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Have you considered getting a ring-tailed lemur as a companion?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A generous stranger wearing a ridged emerald green hearing aid may begin to slap you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have been relying on fake news.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -