Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will look suave wearing a peach pair of toe shoes.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should be checked for hysteria.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should dedicate your spare time to crocheting.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Beverly thinks you're a wuss.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You look good in a magenta skeleton costume.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have won third prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may get bitten by a disorganized Siamese cat.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -