Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Tony thinks you're a cretin.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have a princely nature.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Better not take off that cat suit yet.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will be seeing Mildred pretty soon.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Pay attention!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have nothing to lose by taking up with Candi.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your life is a metaphorical cigar.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -