Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Someone named Rutherford is likely to call you. Find out his real motive before you agree to anything!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should take lessons in playing softball.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You could use a painkiller.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- When was the last time you spoke to Alex?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a burger joint.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -