Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't even consider it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You would be happier at a bridge club.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to a pastry shop and go wild with your credit card.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Group needs you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Change all your passwords.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a macaque, the tail of a lizard, and the face of a hog.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have been relying on fake news.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -