Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Why are you asking me?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will be reincarnated as a bird, and you will be much happier.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as bird feeders, tops, and playing cards.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a surgeon.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will gain money by a fattening action.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Suburu Forester.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You remind people of a rattlesnake.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Millie is going to delight you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -