Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Is this the best you can do?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You might be run over by a Rolls-Royce Ghost.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- An encounter with a fish may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will receive a package containing a smooth dollhouse.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Next Tuesday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Hot diggety dog!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are usually lethargic. What happened today?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Take your time and think it over.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -