Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Beware of an artistic woman wearing a set of dentures.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of glassblowing.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Born to be wild!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should dedicate your spare time to smoking cigarettes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are jaunty and choleric.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may find what you've been looking for at an antique store.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may find inner peace natplaceprep a natplace.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Ask a friend for a cowbell.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -