Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You don't look so suave with soy sauce in your teeth.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a computer, the tail of a buffalo, and the face of a manticore.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Born to be wild!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If Joni stops by, try to exercise.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -