Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should stop eating kiwis, peeled and sliced.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out funny bones?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- There is an 89% chance of tomorrow.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Doubtful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Why are you asking me?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Time to clean up your act.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't look now, but there is a finch stalking you!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't read everything you believe.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -