Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Brad will give you a Tonka truck for your birthday.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It's nothing that a little princeliness wouldn't help.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you skilled in worldly ways.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You have nothing to lose by worrying Christian.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You became angry because your mother tricked you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be seeing Ada Belle pretty soon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may run into Hilda at a storage unit.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You could be a master of baton twirling.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a love meter.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -