Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will be reincarnated as a llama, and you will be much happier.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will outgrow your bow tie.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Someone named Ashley Soto may take legal action against you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should go to Birmingham.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You could be a successful model.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A criminal has been giving you the eye.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should stop eating bananas.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might fill up your workshop with deer hide.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -