Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your aim is high and to the right.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- How's that working out for you?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might be run over by a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't even consider it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out pancreases?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a choir director.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should study the history of Kenya.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Enlist the services of a social media influencer as soon as possible.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your business will assume miniscule proportions.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be on the lookout for a frightened salamander.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -