Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Hot diggety dog!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- The older you get, the more beautiful you become.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will get what you deserve.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may need to start taking medications for your stomach.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Peg may have called you a cretin, but don't take it personally.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Have a can of Ensure on me.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will receive a letter from Vance Finegan.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -