Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A lug wrench will come in handy tomorrow.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may encounter a goat on a briar patch.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Man does not live by cinnamon toast alone.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will get what you deserve.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't go screaming in Connecticut for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a grasshopper, and you will be much happier.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Time to buy a new card table.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Flee!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -