Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If someone tries to give you an Egyptian mummy, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should consider switching to a career as a nurse.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have a tendency to be stinky, but you should try to keep it in check.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Ask a friend for an air compressor.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Look forward to a splendid day.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- The power of height makes us insane.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should be checked for a tapeworm.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to a burger joint and go wild with your credit card.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -