Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Expect a call from the International Guild of Gravediggers.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are a person of nothingness.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Enlist the services of a kindergarten teacher as soon as possible.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to a wasteland and look for a weed.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take a ride in a cab!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Hoss may have called you a nut, but don't take it personally.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -