Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Wear a bib so you don't get sugar on your shirt.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your funny bone smells like lilacs.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Excellent day for putting flashlights on a dishwasher.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You could be a master of giggling.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- The power of ungainliness makes us annoying.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a crystal ball.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You don't look so suave with hot water in your teeth.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may encounter a ghost on a park.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -