Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Bless your heart!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Pam thinks you're acting like a jaguar.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Enlist the services of a wedding planner as soon as possible.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may excel at bowling.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a disgusting manner.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -