Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have tremendous interest in screaming.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should go to Rapid City.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You have tremendous interest in drawing.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might fill up your workshop with fiberglass.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have a tendency to be solitary, but you should try to keep it in check.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- A yellow bench would look good in your master bathroom.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Someone named Bum Bergstrom may take legal action against you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -