Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It may already be too late.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a pesky nature.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go outside and gather a basket of seed pods. Give them to Mackenzie.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are reading this.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a nail salon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Born to be wild!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -