Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Avoid glassblowing in the attic tonight.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Try wearing a bustier tomorrow.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should be checked for brain fever.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If April stops by, try not to mutter.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A sock monkey may be the best way to occupy your time.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You're not done yet.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of shortening and chopped broccoli.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a tendency to be gallant, but you should try to keep it in check.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have nothing to gain by tussling with Lynn.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell mushrooms door to door.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might fill up your doghouse with plasma.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -