Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- How's that working out for you?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You never belonged in the U.S. Senate anyway.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will look suave wearing a lime-green pair of overalls.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Hot diggety dog!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will have a long and pleasant discussion with your mommy.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have little interest in washing dishes.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out thoraxes?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It may already be too late.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might fill up your laundry room with cornhusks.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -