Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go to dinner at New York Jiffy Eats.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go outside and gather a basket of mushrooms. Give them to Christina.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will soon begin to undulate.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If you listen to a judge, you will regret it later.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go to dinner at Southern Clover.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try to develop an understanding of art and ciphering.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -