Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will look suave wearing an aquamarine award medal.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- How's that working out for you?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go to dinner at Lakeshore Burgers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go outside and gather a basket of springs. Give them to Mao.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Next Monday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are disagreeable, and this is your normal state.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You belong in the National Association of Firemen.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a flutist.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A fuchsia beanbag chair would look good in your workshop.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might be run over by a buggy.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -