Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Baton twirling ought to be your priority for the time being.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Time to clean up your act.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- A silver file cabinet would look good in your auditorium.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are evil, and this is your normal state.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You feel the need to fall back on your dismal ways.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'll have a hard time getting Winnie out of your head.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- They will greet you with a hug tomorrow.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -