Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your ear is going to start widening.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will look suave wearing a yellow cape.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should earn a degree in political science.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a can of soup.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be seeing Kristi pretty soon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You look good in a rose turtleneck.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your newest friend thinks you are repulsive.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Alberto will give you a baseball for your birthday.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -