Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Ask a friend for a roll of toilet paper.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are as sweet as a beekeeper.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should dedicate your spare time to leathercrafting.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Man does not live by beans alone.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You would not be a good fit in the Quaker Church.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your aim is high and to the left.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You look so desperate when you wear an ivory pair of sandals.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Graaawk!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Have you considered getting a cocker spaniel as a companion?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -