Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You look so timid when you wear a black wizard's hat.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a burned stick. Take five paces east, then twenty-five paces to your right. Sit down there.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Consider carrying a battle axe for your protection.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- November will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You might try a cyst removal.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A plane will come in handy tomorrow.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Time to clean up your act.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will be reincarnated as a wolverine, and you will be much happier.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should stop eating whale blubber.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your lucky number is 954029.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -