Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll have a hard time getting Ursula out of your head.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Consider heading southeast.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your mom.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will look suave wearing a lavender tie.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a souvenir shop.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -