Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do something unusual today. Sand a bowl.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might find a whale in your front porch.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take care of your dignity; no one else is going to do it for you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Consider heading south.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go to dinner at Moroccan House of Sushi.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be bold and ask Jeri for a box of Kleenex.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -