Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your mind is an arroyo.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a frilly seed pod. Take forty-two paces northwest, then fifteen paces to your right. Sit down there.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may get bitten by a distressed kitty.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a cougar, and you will be much happier.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your best friend secretly loves oyster on the half-shell.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will soon move to a villa.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may find a paperweight to be very important tomorrow.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -