Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't look now, but there is an eagle stalking you!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Pay attention!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Bless your heart!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are probably bothering your fiancée.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Look both ways before you calm down.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take your time and think it over.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your spine smells like sauerkraut.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -