Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your destiny lies in Asia.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may need to start taking medications for your arm.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your life is a metaphorical vacuum cleaner.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are obese, and this is your normal state.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might try dermabrasion.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Look forward to a sunny day.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- The older you get, the more pigeon-toed you become.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -