Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You would be happier at an art exhibit.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be bold and ask Susanna for a dog collar.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will inherit a small part of a cave.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Have a 7-Up on me.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your leg is going to start cracking.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Try selling feathers by the shoe shine booth.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If your kidney starts aching, you should get a tonsillectomy.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are as obedient as a slave.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon forget this.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail an astronaut.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be on the lookout for a translator carrying a pizza.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -