Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- My, my, look at you!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your best friend secretly loves clam chowder.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If someone tries to give you a diagram, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You could use a glass of lemonade.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your aim is high and to the left.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have no life outside social media.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better not look too closely at Quint.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Better not put on that camisole yet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It might be a good idea to finish a spoon.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -