Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Albert is going to reject you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may get bitten by a sassy chicken.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Doubtful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your midlife crisis car should be an Alfa Romeo.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- I hope you aren't carrying strawberries in your pocket.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -