Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of canned oysters and fava beans.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a person of honor.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Beware of an affable man wearing a surgical mask.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Why are you asking me?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You might want to take a jackhammer to your cage.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Check the outhouse - you may find that cigar you've been looking for!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have nothing to gain by hooking up with Boots.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should stop eating wide egg noodles.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -