Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It might be a good idea to scuff an iPad.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may excel at bicycling.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be bold and ask Hugo for a needle and thread.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have won third prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You feel the need to fall back on your cheerful ways.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Avoid hollering in the parlor tonight.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a sea green ring.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -