Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'll have a hard time getting Arnie out of your head.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will outgrow your ponytail.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your girlfriend takes dry toast from strangers.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Avoid collecting stamps in the auditorium tonight.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Try wearing a veil tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Enlist the services of a model as soon as possible.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Consider carrying a boomerang for your protection.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Change all your passwords.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- The older you get, the more cheerful you become.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -