Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You might want to take a pair of tweezers to your pigeon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try wearing an overcoat tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- There is a 45% chance of tomorrow.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your hand is going to start turning blue.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your waist smells like popcorn.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be bold and ask Octavio for a sponge.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Born to be wild!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your stomach smells like formaldehyde.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -