Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Born to be wild!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are usually crazy. What happened today?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Look forward to a warm day.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a waxy raspberry bush. Take fifteen paces north, then forty-seven paces to your right. Sit down there.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Why are you asking me?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You might be run over by a moped.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -