Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Put some wienerschnitzel and burritos on your plate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell pails door to door.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a remote control.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell cookbooks door to door.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't go meditating in California for a while.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should consider switching to a career as a barista.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $20.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your girlfriend takes smoked salmon from strangers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Check the workshop - you may find that Theremin you've been looking for!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -