Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- This is a good time to paint the parlor striped.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Signs point to no.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your palm smells like Lancôme.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Singing ought to be your priority for the time being.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should go to Chesapeake.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Hot diggety dog!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a gnu, the tail of a hornet, and the face of a dormouse.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -