Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will inherit sixty-six million dollars and a large number of pencil sharpeners.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will soon forget this.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should earn a degree in mechanical engineering.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Mackenzie may have called you a dodo, but don't take it personally.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Try to develop an understanding of geneaology and geneaology.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a stapler.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should be checked for beriberi.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -