Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't look now, but there is a gopher stalking you!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Enlist the services of a petroleum engineer as soon as possible.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It may already be too late.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your girlfriend takes jambalaya from strangers.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail an author.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If you greet a wrestler, you will benefit later.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may get bitten by a sexy hog.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -