Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Do something unusual today. Twist a Big Gulp.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Consider carrying a supply of courage for your protection.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Avoid hang gliding in the solarium tonight.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You remind people of a mole.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your destiny lies in Mars.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Octavius will give you a pop gun for your birthday.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- An encounter with an otter may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -