Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A chisel will come in handy tomorrow.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If your belly starts drying up, you should get equine therapy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- When was the last time you spoke to White Cloud?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Look forward to a calm day.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What's that smell?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try a bullhorn.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If you love an interpreter, you will regret it later.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Consider heading west.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -