Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- This is a good time to paint the workshop chocolate brown.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- This is a good time to paint the laundry room tan.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Volkswagon.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You would not be a good fit in the Christian Church.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take care of your adrenal gland; no one else is going to do it for you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a talent for shooting the breeze.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell corks door to door.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to dinner at The Brass Spoon.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -