Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Time to get on the road again.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- When was the last time you spoke to Jessica?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might find a dinosaur in your auditorium.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You might try radiation therapy.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You belong in the National Wildlife Federation.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Maybe you should build an A-frame out of cane.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should dedicate your spare time to running.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -