Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have a talent for making soap.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- They will greet you with a belch tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your newest friend thinks you are pesky.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Better ease up on the dry toast.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Graaawk!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of painting by number.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If someone tries to give you a picture, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try selling Van Goghs by the butcher shop.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You think today was strange...
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Someone named Lauren is likely to call you. Find out his real motive before you agree to anything!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Put some catfish stew and candy on your plate.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -