Rewrite this story

Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try sending flowers.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Maybe you should build a motor home out of hide.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Your aim is high and to the right.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Do not overtax your powers.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- If you stop a real estate agent, you will regret it later.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a bird, the tail of a moose, and the face of a lynx.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- You will get what you deserve.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You are as obese as a third grade teacher.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You may run into Karl at a McDonalds.

----------------------------------------

Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

----------------------------------------

- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -