Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You think today was strange...
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Demetrius thinks you're acting like a cougar.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may make up with a married person soon.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect $30.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will look suave wearing a sparkly pair of bloomers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It may already be too late.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a papery flower. Take twenty-four paces northwest, then eleven paces to your right. Sit down there.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -