Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You could be a successful neurologist.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your best friend secretly loves egg salad sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Look forward to a dull day.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll have a hard time getting Brandie out of your head.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have a menacing nature.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are taking yourself far too lightly.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Change all your passwords.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should take lessons in snoring.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will soon forget this.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- The power of poise makes us bilious.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -