Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You could be a master of jet skiing.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be bold and ask Rutherford for a coffee pot.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from an insurance agent.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You would be happier at a bookstore.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Do not give up now.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will inherit sixty-nine million dollars and a large number of brooms.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell bags of ice door to door.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Bless your heart!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -