Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Someone named Agnes is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Pay attention!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your naïve ways.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Someone named Magnolia Cohen may take legal action against you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Look both ways before you dress up.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't go snuffling in Delaware for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better not put on that military uniform yet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be reincarnated as a mustang, and you will be much happier.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Beware of a confident man wearing a pair of galoshes.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -