Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will look suave wearing a jet black tinfoil hat.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Put some egg drop soup and egg salad sandwich on your plate.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a flamingo, the tail of a penguin, and the face of a wolf.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out eyelids?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Take your time and think it over.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should earn a degree in constitutional law.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -