Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Take a ride in a Fiat!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It might be a good idea to break a dollar bill.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A silver toilet would look good in your garage.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't look now, but there is an otter stalking you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -