Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Do not give up now.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- How's that working out for you?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You could be a successful professional dancer.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Expect a call from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It may already be too late.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Better ease up on the lobster bisque.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are more unselfish than a lot of people.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of fresh papaya and poppy seeds.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should go home.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -