Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do not give up now.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be on the lookout for a maniacal manatee.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You remind people of a salamander.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your present plans will be a success.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Man does not live by potatoes and gravy alone.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your mind is a grassland.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -