Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do not give up now.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Time to clean up your act.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Avoid playing rugby in the guest room tonight.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Maybe you should build a manor house out of jewels.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- I hope you aren't carrying ground beef in your pocket.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are corpulent and pensive.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Is this the best you can do?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Wendell is going to operate on you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -