Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go to a health food store and go wild with your credit card.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Dogs think you smell funny.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your employer thinks you are considerate.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You think today was strange...
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have no life outside social media.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should stop eating sugar.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Someone named Pippa is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are as playful as a messenger.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Enlist the services of a house spouse as soon as possible.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -