Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If your lung starts turning grey, you should get nitrous oxide.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme sleepiness.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A cowardly stranger wearing an expensive silver midi skirt may begin to frown at you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- There is a 31% chance of tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- This is not a good day to chase a fish.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying Dijon mustard in your pocket.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have a talent for making jewelry.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Graaawk!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -