Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are usually sarcastic. What happened today?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your wife.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go out to a public park. You may discover a new passion!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should stop eating margarine.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are as shy as a coroner.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Have a Seven and Seven on me.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your shallowness may tend to make you skilled in worldly ways.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -