Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have a tendency to be slimy, but you shouldn't overdo it. You may want to keep one light year away from someone you know.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't kiss a pony's buttocks today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Keep your extra cash in a baking pan this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Take care of your pituitary gland; it's the only one you have!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Someone named Vicki is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't spend seven haypennies for a root beer. Settle for water and a serving of cabbage for now.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Nepal you've been dreaming about. Leave the lemon at home!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a navy blue balaclava.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go out to an art museum. You may discover a new passion!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If someone tries to give you a sea shell, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Look in the closet - you may find that houseplant you've been looking for!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should consider switching to a career as a baseball player.