Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your larynx is going to start rattling.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a gregarious nature.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should go to Osaka.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Consider heading northeast.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'll never be the man your mother was.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell bullets door to door.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have nothing to lose by running into DeWitt.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Take care of your little finger; no one else is going to do it for you!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -