Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Enlist the services of a mayor as soon as possible.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Do something unusual today. Plasticize a model airplane.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Cat thinks you're a boogerhead.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are deadly, and this is your normal state.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of ketchup and lime juice.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your skin smells like roast beef.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -