Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be prepared for a visit from a newscaster.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a terra cotta belt.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should study the history of the Congo.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have nothing to lose by grappling with Terence.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Group needs you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will soon move to a junk car.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You feel the need to fall back on your queer ways.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a box of candy.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -