Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Consider heading southwest.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are reading this.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should earn a degree in recreation.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Next alternate blue moon will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try selling maps by the pizza joint.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Doubtful.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may find a smart phone to be very important tomorrow.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be cautious in your daily affairs.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -