Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If your claw starts jerking, you should get a haircut.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your problem today calls for the use of an eyelash curler.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Adam thinks you're a stooge.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Doubtful.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Try selling teacups by the gift shop.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect $40.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -