Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should dedicate your spare time to meditating.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will inherit eighty-eight million dollars and a large number of needles and thread.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are naïve, and this is your normal state.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may need to start taking medications for your shin.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- This is a good time to paint the salon rose.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Why are you asking me?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You think today was strange...
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -