Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go out to a shopping mall. You may discover a new passion!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Better ease up on the refried beans.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by anyone.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Signs point to yes.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- An encounter with a chimpanzee may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a ruined tree. Take forty-nine paces southeast, then thirty-two paces to your right. Sit down there.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- This is a good day to pick an oyster.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should go to Syracuse.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will inherit a small part of a prairie.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -