Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look forward to a sunny day.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Change all your passwords.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Man does not live by pizza alone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will soon forget this.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Bless your heart!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Have you considered getting a donkey as a companion?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have no life outside social media.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be prepared for a visit from a typist.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -