Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Try to develop an understanding of classics and information science.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If Fritz stops by, try not to awaken.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Have you considered getting an ox as a companion?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are usually pensive. What happened today?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will have a short and pleasant discussion with your grandmother.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do something unusual today. Dislodge an iPad.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Man does not live by ramen noodles alone.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try to develop an understanding of interior design and environmental science.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -