Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are blubbery and tense.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Keep your extra cash in a canister this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should be checked for cerebral palsy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You might find a jackal in your library.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should consider switching to a career as an air traffic controller.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Bless your heart!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be on the lookout for a journalism teacher carrying a toothbrush.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to dinner at Kim's Lounge.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -