Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as dolls, ironing boards, and crates.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might be run over by a Hummer.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Change all your passwords.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may encounter a hyena on a valley.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should consider switching to a career as a magistrate.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your lucky number is 722740.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon begin to feel funny.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- This is not a good day to mislead a German Shepherd.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -