Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a shrew, the tail of a horsie, and the face of a horsie.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might want to take an X-Acto knife to your whoopee cushion.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a sales clerk.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take a ride in a cargo van!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Consider heading northeast.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Check the bathroom - you may find that bucket you've been looking for!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- This is a good day to mess with a fawn.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Excellent day for putting nails on a safe.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -