Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a slimy spring. Take thirty-three paces northwest, then sixteen paces to your right. Sit down there.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- A scarlet bunk bed would look good in your outhouse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should go to Lexington.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You would be happier at a hockey game.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You don't look so suave with thyme in your teeth.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Look both ways before you play Duck Duck Goose.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Check the outhouse - you may find that diagram you've been looking for!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -