Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a dormouse, the tail of a gazelle, and the face of a bumblebee.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If your dignity starts flaring up, you should get extracorporeal shockwave therapy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You became enthusiastic because your mother joked with you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider carrying a parlor trick for your protection.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Jim Bob thinks you're a ninny.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You would be happier at a county fair.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon move to a monastery.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme wit.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may run into LaDonna at a supermarket.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -