Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have nothing to gain by bumping into Sven.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are usually irate. What happened today?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is that hair growing on your carotid artery?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to dinner at The New Harvest.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It might be a good idea to tweak a bullet.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Where do you go from here?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- There is a 24% chance of tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Enlist the services of a gastroenterologist as soon as possible.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Change all your passwords.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You think today was strange...
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Playing table tennis ought to be your priority for the time being.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -