Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- An encounter with a worm may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A panic button will come in handy tomorrow.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will receive a letter from Carey Peters.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Fiona may have called you a crackpot, but don't take it personally.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- It may already be too late.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You might be run over by a Nissan Maxima.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may encounter a Dalmatian on a hayfield.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your toe is going to start roasting.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -