Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might be run over by a Dodge Charger.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Flee!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a silver poncho.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A Barrel O' Monkeys may be the best way to occupy your time.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are a piece of work.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -