Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It may already be too late.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Check the doghouse - you may find that piece of candy you've been looking for!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's a good time to go shopping for an artificial flower.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try to develop an understanding of hotel management and journalism.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should go home.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to a country meadow and look for a dead tree.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell stopwatches door to door.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Look both ways before you clatter.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -