Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to get on the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are a person of happiness.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may excel at bicycling.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a talent for yawning.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a porcelain flower. Take twenty-nine paces southeast, then six paces to your left. Sit down there.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have a tendency to be mean, but you should try to keep it in check.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A powder puff will come in handy tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Is this the best you can do?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -