Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should be checked for kidney disease.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Cats think you smell funny.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You could be a master of reading.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's nothing that a little gargantuanness wouldn't help.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Enlist the services of a travel agent as soon as possible.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Enlist the services of a parent as soon as possible.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Better ease up on the cabbage rolls.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are polite, and this is your normal state.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your lucky number is 166247.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are a person of culture.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -