Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Born to be wild!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- September will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- I hope you aren't carrying dill pickles in your pocket.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- An appliance repairman has been giving you the eye.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- A pogo stick may be the best way to occupy your time.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have tremendous interest in brewing beer.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Look both ways before you flail.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -