Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to buy a new display case.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Someone named Alan Woodruff may take legal action against you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should consider switching to a career as an elementary school teacher.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will have a short and unpleasant discussion with your fiancée.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might find a chicken in your basement.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A scythe will come in handy tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are more decent than a lot of people.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You're not done yet.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Tesla Model S.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -