Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Time to get on the road again.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You became atrocious because your mother chased you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have no life outside social media.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to a souvenir shop and go wild with your credit card.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- This is not a good day to speak to a bandicoot.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -