Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't ridicule a paper towel today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will be seeing Geraldo pretty soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Time to get on the road again.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You could use a painkiller.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Time to buy a new recliner.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a turquoise pair of cowboy boots.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear an orange beard.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A conscientious stranger wearing a cotton terra cotta bikini may begin to dismay you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -