Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look both ways before you lounge.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You don't look so suave with fresh garlic in your teeth.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might fill up your linen closet with sand.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may run into Fanny at a McDonalds.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming an appliance repairman.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- How's that working out for you?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Someone named Tracy Allison may take legal action against you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Is this some sort of joke?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -