Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Try selling pepper grinders by the auto repair shop.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for child endangerment.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should take lessons in playing shuffleboard.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might be run over by a minivan.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may need to start taking medications for your nostril.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take a ride in a taxi!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a talent for crocheting.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You might try laser surgery.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -