Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If someone tries to give you a tube of glue, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will soon move to a subway tunnel.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take a ride in a delivery truck!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You belong in the International Society of Chiefs of police.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Bless your heart!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should earn a degree in electronics.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try Morse code.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- July will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -