Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be on the lookout for a sophisticated yak.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a dusty tree. Take twenty-six paces northeast, then eight paces to your right. Sit down there.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you skilled in worldly ways.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your aim is high and to the right.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Carmen is going to shock you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are probably freaking out your main squeeze.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a metallic red bridal gown.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your life is a metaphorical pair of scissors.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -