Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- I hope you aren't carrying lettuce in your pocket.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme princeliness.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should stop eating sugar.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your destiny lies in South America.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You might try arthroplasty.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If you blink at a rancher, you will regret it later.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You might try a cyst removal.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should go to San Salvador.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -