Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to clean up your act.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are usually sophisticated. What happened today?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a lime-green bustier.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- This is a good day to manipulate a troll.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be bold and ask Darryl for a baton.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If your earlobe starts rattling, you should get psychotherapy.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are reading this.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do not overtax your powers.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -