Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If you escape from a zebra rancher, you will benefit later.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You should go to Memphis.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may excel at running.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider heading north.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out antennae?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Paint a still life of an etching and a spring.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your life is a metaphorical pair of pliers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should take lessons in crocheting.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Enlist the services of a traveling salesman as soon as possible.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Next Saturday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -