Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should examine what you heard yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Go to a field and look for a flower.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a filthy tree branch. Take eleven paces south, then fifteen paces to your right. Sit down there.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your rib smells like roast beef.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may run into Doc at a novelty shop.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Kia Rio.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You have a tendency to be noxious, but you should try to keep it in check.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- This is not a good day to sneer at a phantom.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Avoid reading in the corridor tonight.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -