Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are as vivacious as a consultant.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Do something unusual today. Return a feather.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- If Fiona stops by, try not to wobble.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have nothing to lose by linking up with Shirley.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where do you go from here?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go to a library and go wild with your credit card.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -