Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- James thinks you're acting like a yeti.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is that hair growing on your hair?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- What's that smell?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are as ignoble as a neurologist.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go to a bus station and go wild with your credit card.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are peskier than a lot of people.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -