Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Man does not live by hors d'oeuvre alone.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Wear a bib so you don't get canned pineapple on your shirt.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a tendency to be stylish, but you should try to keep it in check.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your wrist will assume vast proportions.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You remind people of a yak.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're not done yet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Is that hair growing on your belly button?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may encounter a hyena in a lakeside.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -