Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It may already be too late.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where do you go from here?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your tongue is going to start shredding.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your destiny lies in Mars.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may find a Big Gulp to be very important tomorrow.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You could be a successful civil engineer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme seriousness.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better ease up on the moo goo gai pan.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -