Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at In and Out Gems.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- The older you get, the more evil you become.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If Bronk stops by, try not to do nothing.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Enlist the services of a marketing manager as soon as possible.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a disgusting manner.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't even consider it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as ping-pong paddles, magnets, and flyswatters.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should consider switching to a career as a guitar player.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -