Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should consider switching to a career as a violinist.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will inherit a small part of a cave.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Time to buy a new footstool.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will receive a package containing a woven yardstick.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will soon move to a skyscraper.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your destiny lies in Antarctica.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will receive a letter from Gabriela Papadapolous.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -