Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Have you considered getting a kitten as a companion?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You could be a master of watching TV.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Man does not live by spaghetti alone.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Dagmar thinks you're acting like a salamander.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Look both ways before you dress up.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Take a ride in a Buick Skylark!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -