Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Check the dining room - you may find that football you've been looking for!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Have a kamikaze on me.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Doing homework ought to be your priority for the time being.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do something unusual today. Shoot a clarinet.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a gleaming fallen tree. Take forty-four paces south, then twenty-eight paces to your left. Sit down there.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- The older you get, the more sinister you become.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Born to be wild!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -