Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for disorderly conduct.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your esophagus will assume vast proportions.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will outgrow your pair of pantaloons.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You remind people of a tiger.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Graaawk!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Hot diggety dog!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It might be a bad idea to neglect a can of sardines.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Consider heading west.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -