Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If someone tries to give you a pickle, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have little interest in playing basketball.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Look forward to a dull day.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your bladder is going to start growing.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will soon begin to come loose.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Put some Swiss cheese and sauerkraut on your plate.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'll never be the man your mother was.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Nookie may have called you a lob-dotterel, but don't take it personally.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try wearing a jumpsuit tomorrow.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -