Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a pair of tweezers.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Excellent day for putting fishing rods on a bar stool.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- The older you get, the more merry you become.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try to develop an understanding of astronomy and ABCs.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Man does not live by bread and butter alone.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a twig.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -