Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Enlist the services of a math teacher as soon as possible.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Raúl may have called you a fathead, but don't take it personally.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You would be happier at a discotheque.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You could be a successful sword swallower.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Put some burritos and French fries on your plate.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You could be a master of snuffling.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should take lessons in singing karaoke.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take a ride in a fire truck!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Time to clean up your act.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Excellent day for putting dishes on a pool table.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Change all your passwords.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -