Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect $20.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It's nothing that a little stubbornness wouldn't help.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Beware of a big woman wearing a kimono.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be on the lookout for a weary robot.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Try selling spools of thread by the gym.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are crazier than a lot of people.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take a ride in a Suburu Forester!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a fishhook.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -