Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't vacuum a lemon today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Man does not live by country glazed ham alone.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Have a glass of iced tea on me.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may gang up on a divorced person soon.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Next Thursday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Wear a bib so you don't get peanut butter on your shirt.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -