Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your employer thinks you are sober.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are reading this.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Maybe you should build a condominium out of plaster of Paris.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You would be happier at a jazz club.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Avoid playing tennis in the auditorium tonight.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might be a good fit in the Mormon Church.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -