Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Check the workshop - you may find that toilet plunger you've been looking for!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will soon forget this.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are usually furious. What happened today?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Someone named Smiley Pattel may take legal action against you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Change all your passwords.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should dedicate your spare time to doing yoga.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your business will assume miniscule proportions.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try writing a letter.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Maybe you should build a house out of adobe.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -