Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Avoid watching birds in the tool shed tonight.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If someone tries to give you a tennis racket, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- What's that smell?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- An eyelash curler will come in handy tomorrow.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Group needs you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will inherit a small part of a seacoast.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Someone named Cecil O'Connor may take legal action against you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -