Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You'll have a hard time getting Carey out of your head.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- This is a good day to lick a gopher.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You became brash because your father bored you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You don't look so suave with fresh spinach in your teeth.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go to dinner at Lakeshore Cloud.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -