Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A waiter has been giving you the eye.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're not done yet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If someone tries to give you a hip flask, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Pay attention!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should go home.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -