Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Maybe you should build a brownstone out of aluminum.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will inherit a small part of a marsh.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are elderly and ignoble.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your life is a metaphorical wastebasket.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Next time you want to communicate with your boss, try a memo.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Look forward to a sunny day.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You belong in the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be bold and ask Horsie for a trash can.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Time to clean up your act.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -