Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will attract athletic and smart people to your home.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a disgusting manner.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will inherit a small part of a rainforest.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Signs point to yes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Consider carrying a carbine for your protection.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You're not done yet.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do something unusual today. Soften a bell.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -