Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a scarlet cat suit.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are more muddled than a lot of people.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's nothing that a little naiveté wouldn't help.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Signs point to yes.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are weird, but this is not your normal state.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- When was the last time you spoke to Elvira?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -