Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your girlfriend takes falafel from strangers.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You look so nervous when you wear a black jacket.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should earn a degree in music.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- I hope you aren't carrying pork rinds in your pocket.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your heel will assume vast proportions.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -