Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try sending flowers.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Maybe you should build a motor home out of hide.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your aim is high and to the right.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If you stop a real estate agent, you will regret it later.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a bird, the tail of a moose, and the face of a lynx.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will get what you deserve.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are as obese as a third grade teacher.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may run into Karl at a McDonalds.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -