Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You might want to take a crowbar to your coloring book.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have a will that can be influenced by anyone.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a wolverine, the tail of a wombat, and the face of a mongoose.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Maybe you should build a housing project out of marble.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will receive a letter from Peg Potatohead.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a student.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go to a pizza parlor and go wild with your credit card.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should go home.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -