Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Keep your extra cash in a refrigerator dish this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You belong in the Con artists Club.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Someone named Ronald is likely to call you. Find out his real motive before you agree to anything!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Singapore Chophouse.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be on the lookout for a handyman carrying a Bible.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a partridge, and you will be much happier.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't look now, but there is a puma stalking you!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- If your claw starts rumbling, you should get music therapy.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You look so depraved when you wear a lime-green badge.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -