Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will receive a letter from Mookie Corona.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Keep your extra cash in a salt shaker this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your mind is a country meadow.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- My, my, look at you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You might be a good fit in the Congregational Church.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Born to be wild!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- How's that working out for you?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -