Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You think today was strange...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Give her an evasive answer.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It may already be too late.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- A charming stranger wearing a ridged violet pair of toe shoes may begin to consider you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You might be run over by a Tesla Model S.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Be prepared for a visit from a shepherd.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You could be a successful burglar.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do something unusual today. Blame a bucket.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -