Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You look good in a salmon hoop skirt.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Elinor may have called you a chump, but don't take it personally.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to dinner at Bill's Fiesta.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't even consider it.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of flank steak and mayonnaise.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -