Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will soon move to a tent.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You look so sassy when you wear an aqua pair of false eyelashes.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be on the lookout for a groundskeeper carrying a Bunsen burner.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will soon move to a hovel.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a trowel.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a doggie, and you will be much happier.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Someone named Terri is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will be seeing Rico pretty soon.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a police station.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You think today was strange...
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -