Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You might be run over by a Lamborghini.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Sophia thinks you're a dingleberry.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a bus driver.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should study the history of Somalia.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Take your time and think it over.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should earn a degree in accounting.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -