Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You could be a master of doing magic tricks.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are reading this.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- There is a 4% chance of tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have nothing to gain by hearing from Devon.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Keep your extra cash in a bucket this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Have a glass of KoolAid on me.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You belong in the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You remind people of a badger.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a prairie dog, the tail of a monkey, and the face of an iguana.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -