Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A Mr. Potato Head may be the best way to occupy your time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will inherit thirty million dollars and a large number of apples.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Expect a call from the ASPCA.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your life is a metaphorical wastebasket.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your best friend secretly loves sweet potatoes.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Where do you go from here?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will gain money by an immoral action.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be bold and ask Susanna for a fork.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -