Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Next Thursday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will receive a package containing a rigid stamp.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a firefighter.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Graaawk!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a beauty salon.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are taking yourself far too lightly.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't you have something better to do?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -