Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Buick LeSabre.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may get bitten by a funny gazelle.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Esther will give you a balloon for your birthday.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Is that hair growing on your larynx?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take your time and think it over.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should go home.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't take this too seriously.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -