Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You'll have a hard time getting Jim Bob out of your head.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for assault and battery.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- If you mock a school principal, you will regret it later.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You don't look so suave with spaghetti noodles in your teeth.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your girlfriend takes egg salad sandwich from strangers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your piehole is going to start going nuts.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may encounter a flamingo in a beach.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Where do you go from here?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- An exuberant stranger wearing a prickly camouflage uniform may begin to spill a Tom Collins on you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Bolivia you've been dreading. Leave the spoon at home!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -