Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Do not give up now.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider carrying a poison dart for your protection.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If your brain starts jiggling, you should get music therapy.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Born to be wild!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will look suave wearing a metallic red fig leaf.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Arthur thinks you're acting like a unicorn.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may find what you've been looking for at an office supply store.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- This is a good time to paint the billiard room lavender.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Don't go playing volleyball in Louisiana for a while.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -