Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Graaawk!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Keep your extra cash in a bottle cap this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You are a person of assertiveness.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will receive a package containing a striking mop.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You never belonged in the International Society of Optometrists anyway.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a muffin.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Why are you asking me?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do the honorable thing and resign.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of shallots and bacon fat.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -