Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't moisten a Big Gulp today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Excellent day for putting advertisements on an ironing board.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It may already be too late.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- The older you get, the more blubbery you become.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will soon forget this.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You could use a Jack Daniel's.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Go outside and gather a basket of cedar trees. Give them to Sandra.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -