Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Look both ways before you pray.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Avoid hiking in the master bathroom tonight.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Cheng thinks you're a boogerhead.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You might want to take a fingernail file to your muffin.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are athletic, and this is your normal state.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are a piece of work.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You feel the need to fall back on your humble ways.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A jigsaw puzzle may be the best way to occupy your time.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -