Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to get on the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- What's that smell?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will have a short and pleasant discussion with your wife.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You have a cantankerous nature.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Eric is going to care for you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be bold and ask Antoinette for a baby doll.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't look now, but there is an owl stalking you!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should examine what you read yesterday with a great deal of skepticism.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon forget this.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- March will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may run into Morgan at a convenience store.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a dolphin, the tail of a manticore, and the face of a gerbil.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -