Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Cheng thinks you're a scamp.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may need to start taking medications for your esophagus.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should earn a degree in health.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing she tells you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme curiosity.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of meditating.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Jackson thinks you're acting like a German Shepherd.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- May will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -