Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a fountain pen.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a pumpkin.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It might be a good idea to lose a soccer ball.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Have you considered getting a chimpanzee as a companion?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will gain money by a fattening action.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Better not look too closely at Butch.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are ambitious, but this is not your normal state.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -