Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Wear a bib so you don't get egg whites on your shirt.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'll have a hard time getting Gillian out of your head.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a scarlet jumpsuit.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Look both ways before you fret.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Enlist the services of an executioner as soon as possible.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are probably bewildering your sister-in-law.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are a person of absurdity.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have nothing to lose by taking on Roberta.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -