Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You'll have a hard time getting Sheila out of your head.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Jamaica you've been dreading. Leave the cotton ball at home!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Ask a friend for a teddy bear.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your boyfriend takes dirty rice from strangers.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Ask a friend for a bag.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of an ant, the tail of a falcon, and the face of a bull.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Doubtful.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You never belonged in a Congressional committee anyway.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -