Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A sticker book may be the best way to occupy your time.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might fill up your front porch with fabric.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Skydiving ought to be your priority for the time being.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a tattoo parlor.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- If you indoctrinate an FBI Agent, you will benefit later.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try to develop an understanding of astrophysics and anthropology.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Alisa will give you a Barbie doll for your birthday.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -