Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your girlfriend takes fried chicken from strangers.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a bird, the tail of a pheasant, and the face of a dodo bird.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Have a cup of hot cider on me.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Ask a friend for a chart.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Avoid doing magic tricks in the patio tonight.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Time to get on the road again.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -