Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme tiredness.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should go to Plano.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Someone named Kent Sharpe may take legal action against you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't take this too seriously.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't look now, but there is an alligator stalking you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your lucky number is 816991.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You don't look so suave with kidney beans in your teeth.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out backs?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your waist is going to start turning yellow.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Be bold and ask Quincy for a business card.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -