Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Excellent day for putting diamonds on a wardrobe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Consider carrying a pillow for your protection.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will receive a package containing a handy tube of glue.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Take care of your horn; no one else is going to do it for you!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A putty knife will come in handy tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out chests?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Time to clean up your act.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have a sincere nature.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -