Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a gazelle, the tail of a manticore, and the face of a falcon.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might fill up your rec room with pebbles.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme lovingness.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for murder.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try an email.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will look suave wearing a fuchsia gold medal.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have no life outside social media.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should dedicate your spare time to cooking.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Keep your extra cash in a decanter this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -