Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Where do you go from here?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- The older you get, the more frantic you become.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Wear a bib so you don't get potatoes on your shirt.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- A lanky stranger wearing a papery black sweatshirt may begin to malign you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll never be the man your mother was.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Andrea will give you a corn popper for your birthday.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Is this the best you can do?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -