Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Group needs you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Graaawk!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Signs point to no.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may need to start taking medications for your kneecap.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should consider switching to a career as an ecologist.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Have you considered getting a dinosaur as a companion?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will soon begin to sweat.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take your time and think it over.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You have a talent for skiing.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -