Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have nothing to lose by agreeing with Oliver.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Where there's a will there's a will.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- The power of sternness makes us intense.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Paint a still life of a Band-aid and a dead tree.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your destiny lies in Jupiter.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may excel at fencing.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will look suave wearing a peach pair of shorts.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will attract vile and pensive people to your home.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Why are you asking me?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -