Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A Magic 8-Ball may be the best way to occupy your time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It's nothing that a little cautiousness wouldn't help.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should take lessons in painting.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a sickle.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may get bitten by a difficult skunk.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will inherit eighty-one million dollars and a large number of contracts.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Check the front porch - you may find that shoe you've been looking for!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Look both ways before you meditate.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have no life outside social media.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should study the history of Jamaica.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your supervisor is thinking about you.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -