Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- This is a good time to paint the study hot pink.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your dad.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If someone tries to give you a coconut, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should take lessons in mountain climbing.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Maybe you should build a house out of hair.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Where do you go from here?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- October will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -