Rewrite this story

Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I would like three gooey cowbells, one ancient oriental vase, two jagged ping pong paddles, and two stuffed hip flasks.

I have been very cautious this year, so please give me more than you do Christopher.

P.S. I'll put a bowl of borscht and a cup of eggnog on the bench for you.

Your friend,