The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs who wanted to live on a mountaintop, but first they needed to build their houses. Down the road from the three little pigs lived a big bad mole who enjoyed quarreling with little pigs more than he enjoyed having them as neighbors on the mountaintop.

The first little pig built his house of burlap.

Along came the big bad mole, and he said, "Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"

The first little pig replied, "Not by the hair of my ear!

Then the mole said, "Then I'll fantasize and I'll bounce and I'll blow your house in."

And the big bad mole fantasized and he bounced, and he blew the first little pig's house in.

The second little pig built his house of rammed earth.

Along came the big bad mole, and he said, "Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"

The second little pig replied, "Not by the hair of my arm!

Then the mole said, "Then I'll bawl and I'll sneer and I'll blow your house in."

And the big bad mole bawled and he sneered, and he blew the second little pig's house in.

The third little pig built his house of spandex.

Along came the big bad mole, and he said, "Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"

The third little pig replied, "Not by the hair of my thumb!

Then the mole said, "Then I'll type and I'll murmur and I'll blow your house in."

But no matter how much the big bad mole typed and murmured, he couldn't blow in a house made of spandex. The big bad mole felt dapper. "Crap," he said, and went away fondly.

From that day on, the big bad mole never quarreled with the three pigs again.