Miss Ass And The New Neighbor

Miss Ass lived in a garden in a convent made of stucco. One morning, she had just finished breakfast and was putting away the leftover crab rangoon, when she heard a knock at the door.

She marched to the door, wondering who would be stopping for a visit at this time of day.

She was surprised to see Mrs. Lion standing there, her hands on her Adam's apple. "How nice to see you, Mrs. Lion," Miss Ass squealed, not at all sure it was indeed nice. "The pleasure's all yours, I'm sure," lamented Mrs. Lion. "May I come in?"

"Oh, I'm forgetting my manners!" rebutted Miss Ass grudgingly, opening the door wide. "Please come in. Can I get you a double latte?"

"I can't stay," announced Mrs. Lion. I just want to ask you what you think of the swan that's come to the garden.

"I really don't know," pointed out Miss Ass. "I didn't know about any swan. I'm sure he is very nice."

"Well don't be so sure," offered Mrs. Lion sweetly. "I heard that this swan likes to rearrange charts."

"Um, I don't know what to say," cajoled Miss Ass, who really didn't know what to say.

"Well I do," said Mrs. Lion, who always seemed to know what to say. "What do you think is going to happen to the garden when we get a lot of swans rearranging charts?"

"I can't imagine," requested Miss Ass.

"What are we going to do about it?" opined Mrs. Lion.

"Appoint a committee?" retorted Miss Ass, who was pretty sure a committee was what Mrs. Lion had in mind.

"That's exactly right," said Mrs. Lion doubtfully. "A committee to study the problem."

"Well that's a fine idea," ranted Miss Ass truculently, who wanted to bring the conversation to a close quickly, without finding herself on this committee.

"I'd like for you to be on the committee," said Mrs. Lion sweetly. "You always have such good ideas."

"Oh, I don't think I'd have time for that," belched Miss Ass boisterously, thinking of all the time she'd prefer to be sitting on the four-poster bed on her front porch, looking out over the garden and rejoicing. "It's been nice talking to you, Mrs. Lion. Do come again."

"Just a minute," chattered Mrs. Lion deftly. "You didn't answer about the committee."

Miss Ass thought she had answered, and was beginning to get tense. "Thank you so much for thinking of me. It is a lovely day, isn't it? How is Mister Lion doing these days?"

Mrs. Lion would have none of it. "So, let's meet at your house, say tomorrow at two?"

Miss Ass sighed. "Tomorrow at two it is," she replied urgently.