Mister Ass And The New Neighbor

Mister Ass lived on a ridge in a retreat made of mahogany. One morning, he had just finished breakfast and was putting away the leftover pie a la mode, when he heard a knock at the door.

He stormed to the door, wondering who would be stopping for a visit at this time of day.

He was surprised to see Mrs. Rat standing there, her hands on her spleen. "How nice to see you, Mrs. Rat," Mister Ass implored, not at all sure it was indeed nice. "The pleasure's all yours, I'm sure," sniveled Mrs. Rat. "May I come in?"

"Oh, I'm forgetting my manners!" nattered Mister Ass suddenly, opening the door wide. "Please come in. Can I get you a glass of milk?"

"I can't stay," hissed Mrs. Rat. I just want to ask you what you think of the buzzard that's come to the ridge.

"I really don't know," murmured Mister Ass. "I didn't know about any buzzard. I'm sure she is very nice."

"Well don't be so sure," rumored Mrs. Rat resignedly. "I heard that this buzzard likes to unfold key rings."

"Um, I don't know what to say," chattered Mister Ass, who really didn't know what to say.

"Well I do," said Mrs. Rat, who always seemed to know what to say. "What do you think is going to happen to the ridge when we get a lot of buzzards unfolding key rings?"

"I can't imagine," indicated Mister Ass.

"What are we going to do about it?" railed Mrs. Rat.

"Appoint a committee?" decided Mister Ass, who was pretty sure a committee was what Mrs. Rat had in mind.

"That's exactly right," said Mrs. Rat daringly. "A committee to study the problem."

"Well that's a fine idea," pronounced Mister Ass glumly, who wanted to bring the conversation to a close quickly, without finding himself on this committee.

"I'd like for you to be on the committee," said Mrs. Rat automatically. "You always have such good ideas."

"Oh, I don't think I'd have time for that," intoned Mister Ass grandly, thinking of all the time he'd prefer to be sitting on the couch on his front porch, looking out over the ridge and apologizing. "It's been nice talking to you, Mrs. Rat. Do come again."

"Just a minute," shrieked Mrs. Rat sourly. "You didn't answer about the committee."

Mister Ass thought he had answered, and was beginning to get bald. "Thank you so much for thinking of me. It is a lovely day, isn't it? How is Mister Rat doing these days?"

Mrs. Rat would have none of it. "So, let's meet at your house, say tomorrow at two?"

Mister Ass sighed. "Tomorrow at two it is," he replied threateningly.