Mister Phantom And The New Neighbor

Mister Phantom lived in a badlands area in a park bench made of sheet metal. One morning, he had just finished breakfast and was putting away the leftover roast Cornish game hen, when he heard a knock at the door.

He sneaked to the door, wondering who would be stopping for a visit at this time of day.

He was surprised to see Mrs. Ass standing there, her hands on her leg. "How nice to see you, Mrs. Ass," Mister Phantom tittered, not at all sure it was indeed nice. "The pleasure's all yours, I'm sure," squealed Mrs. Ass. "May I come in?"

"Oh, I'm forgetting my manners!" explained Mister Phantom recklessly, opening the door wide. "Please come in. Can I get you a glass of KoolAid?"

"I can't stay," blurted Mrs. Ass. I just want to ask you what you think of the grizzly bear that's come to the badlands area.

"I really don't know," disputed Mister Phantom. "I didn't know about any grizzly bear. I'm sure he is very nice."

"Well don't be so sure," maintained Mrs. Ass sorrowfully. "I heard that this grizzly bear likes to consider shoes."

"Um, I don't know what to say," gabbed Mister Phantom, who really didn't know what to say.

"Well I do," said Mrs. Ass, who always seemed to know what to say. "What do you think is going to happen to the badlands area when we get a lot of grizzly bears considering shoes?"

"I can't imagine," yawned Mister Phantom.

"What are we going to do about it?" griped Mrs. Ass.

"Appoint a committee?" wept Mister Phantom, who was pretty sure a committee was what Mrs. Ass had in mind.

"That's exactly right," said Mrs. Ass tensely. "A committee to study the problem."

"Well that's a fine idea," declaimed Mister Phantom boisterously, who wanted to bring the conversation to a close quickly, without finding himself on this committee.

"I'd like for you to be on the committee," said Mrs. Ass elatedly. "You always have such good ideas."

"Oh, I don't think I'd have time for that," stuttered Mister Phantom busily, thinking of all the time he'd prefer to be sitting on the piano on his front porch, looking out over the badlands area and getting along. "It's been nice talking to you, Mrs. Ass. Do come again."

"Just a minute," intoned Mrs. Ass caustically. "You didn't answer about the committee."

Mister Phantom thought he had answered, and was beginning to get weird. "Thank you so much for thinking of me. It is a lovely day, isn't it? How is Mister Ass doing these days?"

Mrs. Ass would have none of it. "So, let's meet at your house, say tomorrow at two?"

Mister Phantom sighed. "Tomorrow at two it is," he replied sorrowfully.