Mister Ass And The New Neighbor

Mister Ass lived in a jungle in a Cape Cod made of straw. One morning, he had just finished breakfast and was putting away the leftover prime rib, when he heard a knock at the door.

He inched to the door, wondering who would be stopping for a visit at this time of day.

He was surprised to see Mrs. Hedgehog standing there, her hands on her finger. "How nice to see you, Mrs. Hedgehog," Mister Ass screeched, not at all sure it was indeed nice. "The pleasure's all yours, I'm sure," winked Mrs. Hedgehog. "May I come in?"

"Oh, I'm forgetting my manners!" shrieked Mister Ass patiently, opening the door wide. "Please come in. Can I get you a shot of tequila?"

"I can't stay," offered Mrs. Hedgehog. I just want to ask you what you think of the monster that's come to the jungle.

"I really don't know," yawned Mister Ass. "I didn't know about any monster. I'm sure she is very nice."

"Well don't be so sure," exploded Mrs. Hedgehog grimly. "I heard that this monster likes to leave firecrackers."

"Um, I don't know what to say," debated Mister Ass, who really didn't know what to say.

"Well I do," said Mrs. Hedgehog, who always seemed to know what to say. "What do you think is going to happen to the jungle when we get a lot of monsters leaving firecrackers?"

"I can't imagine," blathered Mister Ass.

"What are we going to do about it?" offered Mrs. Hedgehog.

"Appoint a committee?" shouted Mister Ass, who was pretty sure a committee was what Mrs. Hedgehog had in mind.

"That's exactly right," said Mrs. Hedgehog brightly. "A committee to study the problem."

"Well that's a fine idea," recited Mister Ass reluctantly, who wanted to bring the conversation to a close quickly, without finding himself on this committee.

"I'd like for you to be on the committee," said Mrs. Hedgehog repeatedly. "You always have such good ideas."

"Oh, I don't think I'd have time for that," interrupted Mister Ass firmly, thinking of all the time he'd prefer to be sitting on the sofa on his front porch, looking out over the jungle and swooning. "It's been nice talking to you, Mrs. Hedgehog. Do come again."

"Just a minute," gabbed Mrs. Hedgehog boldly. "You didn't answer about the committee."

Mister Ass thought he had answered, and was beginning to get conceited. "Thank you so much for thinking of me. It is a lovely day, isn't it? How is Mister Hedgehog doing these days?"

Mrs. Hedgehog would have none of it. "So, let's meet at your house, say tomorrow at two?"

Mister Ass sighed. "Tomorrow at two it is," he replied woodenly.