Miss Ass And The New Neighbor

Miss Ass lived on a ridge in a KOA Kampground made of fabric. One morning, she had just finished breakfast and was putting away the leftover sushi, when she heard a knock at the door.

She hobbled to the door, wondering who would be stopping for a visit at this time of day.

She was surprised to see Mrs. Gazelle standing there, her hands on her chin. "How nice to see you, Mrs. Gazelle," Miss Ass bellowed, not at all sure it was indeed nice. "The pleasure's all yours, I'm sure," responded Mrs. Gazelle. "May I come in?"

"Oh, I'm forgetting my manners!" proposed Miss Ass irritably, opening the door wide. "Please come in. Can I get you a bottle of Gatorade?"

"I can't stay," implored Mrs. Gazelle. I just want to ask you what you think of the antelope that's come to the ridge.

"I really don't know," jeered Miss Ass. "I didn't know about any antelope. I'm sure he is very nice."

"Well don't be so sure," opined Mrs. Gazelle delicately. "I heard that this antelope likes to chop pairs of pliers."

"Um, I don't know what to say," blurted Miss Ass, who really didn't know what to say.

"Well I do," said Mrs. Gazelle, who always seemed to know what to say. "What do you think is going to happen to the ridge when we get a lot of antelopes chopping pairs of pliers?"

"I can't imagine," enunciated Miss Ass.

"What are we going to do about it?" snarled Mrs. Gazelle.

"Appoint a committee?" spewed Miss Ass, who was pretty sure a committee was what Mrs. Gazelle had in mind.

"That's exactly right," said Mrs. Gazelle urgently. "A committee to study the problem."

"Well that's a fine idea," contended Miss Ass furiously, who wanted to bring the conversation to a close quickly, without finding herself on this committee.

"I'd like for you to be on the committee," said Mrs. Gazelle again. "You always have such good ideas."

"Oh, I don't think I'd have time for that," winked Miss Ass primly, thinking of all the time she'd prefer to be sitting on the credenza on her front porch, looking out over the ridge and burping. "It's been nice talking to you, Mrs. Gazelle. Do come again."

"Just a minute," sighed Mrs. Gazelle anxiously. "You didn't answer about the committee."

Miss Ass thought she had answered, and was beginning to get peculiar. "Thank you so much for thinking of me. It is a lovely day, isn't it? How is Mister Gazelle doing these days?"

Mrs. Gazelle would have none of it. "So, let's meet at your house, say tomorrow at two?"

Miss Ass sighed. "Tomorrow at two it is," she replied obediently.