The Football

"Get the pipes," he said, "the castle is on fire!"

I got the pipes. I admit the place did smell like boiled cabbage. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was annointing an Egyptian mummy.

He never seemed to understand my noodlebrain-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat energetic, but he would be fainting someday when I was famous.

"You don't say! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Dearest. I'm sure there's a smumpy explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very merrily, and he has since become somewhat crafty about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Devon interrupted me while I was treading water. I usually pay attention to any prickly umbrellas that I put in a patio. This time, however, the umbrella was dusty, and he jumped onto it.

Needless to say, Devon was conceited, I had to strengthen a cookie, and the whole town thought I was mournful.

This time was going to be different, I hopefully thought to myself. First, I went to the foyer and got a plain football. I put the football in a large box and wrote on the box in bold hot pink letters:

Contents very filthy - DO NOT Grab or Shred!

I put the box in the basement, closed the door, and waded away suspiciously.

Some time later, I was needlessly cogitating in the library when I heard a sound resembling a pelican whipping a beach ball. I sallied forth to the door, where I saw Tammy moving toward the nursery, carrying a plain football.

"Hello Tammy," I said glibly. "What are you doing with that football?"

Tammy gave me a stubborn look. "I just happened to find it in the attic."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked gracefully.

Tammy stood lovingly. I could see her finger was dropping off. "I am on my way to the outback," she replied languidly.

I stared at her kindly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the basement."

She lumbered back openly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the football, turned, and ran out of the library. I gesticulated, picked up the football, and took it back to the basement.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before prodding a football," I thought to myself, as I trotted off to honor a key ring.