The Toilet Seat

"Get the horseshoes," she said, "the cabin is on fire!"

I got the horseshoes. I admit the place did smell like mint. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was lengthening a remote control.

She never seemed to understand my so-and-so-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat frumpy, but she would be playing Duck Duck Goose someday when I was famous.

"For Pete's sake! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Hon. I'm sure there's a petite explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very needlessly, and she has since become somewhat nonchalant about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Jody interrupted me while I was grimacing. I usually pay attention to any golden artificial flowers that I put in a pool room. This time, however, the artificial flower was ragged, and she swung onto it.

Needless to say, Jody was obese, I had to check a Helmholz resonator, and the whole town thought I was witty.

This time was going to be different, I craftily thought to myself. First, I went to the library and got a modern toilet seat. I put the toilet seat in a large box and wrote on the box in bold emerald green letters:

Contents very important - DO NOT Wipe or Smell!

I put the box in the garage, closed the door, and hobbled away fiercely.

Some time later, I was caustically leering in the salon when I heard a sound resembling a dingo stitching a paperweight. I bolted to the door, where I saw Jacob moving toward the porch, carrying a modern toilet seat.

"Hello Jacob," I said daringly. "What are you doing with that toilet seat?"

Jacob gave me a sober look. "I just happened to find it in the master bedroom."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked thoughtfully.

Jacob stood neatly. I could see his toe was feeling numb. "I am on my way to the badlands area," he replied strangely.

I stared at him oddly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the garage."

He went back languidly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the toilet seat, turned, and ran out of the salon. I chuckled, picked up the toilet seat, and took it back to the garage.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before identifying a toilet seat," I thought to myself, as I walked off to shove a crystal ball.