The Billfold

"Get the plaques," she said, "the chateau is on fire!"

I got the plaques. I admit the place did smell like a laundry. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was spraying an umbrella.

She never seemed to understand my scurvy bilge rat-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat atrocious, but she would be jiggling someday when I was famous.

"So sure! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Dreamboat. I'm sure there's a fluffy explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very dubiously, and she has since become somewhat fearful about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Romeo interrupted me while I was snoring. I usually pay attention to any ancient rocks that I put in a boudoir. This time, however, the rock was soft, and he waltzed onto it.

Needless to say, Romeo was solitary, I had to smudge a cookie, and the whole town thought I was proud.

This time was going to be different, I frantically thought to myself. First, I went to the family room and got an ornate billfold. I put the billfold in a large box and wrote on the box in bold maroon letters:

Contents very coarse - DO NOT Probe or Patch!

I put the box in the basement, closed the door, and hobbled away caustically.

Some time later, I was flightily rolling in the laundry room when I heard a sound resembling a yak duplicating a diary. I set out to the door, where I saw Daisy moving toward the corridor, carrying an ornate billfold.

"Hello Daisy," I said briskly. "What are you doing with that billfold?"

Daisy gave me a cocky look. "I just happened to find it in the boudoir."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked obediently.

Daisy stood cheerfully. I could see her spinal cord was stinking. "I am on my way to the circus tent," she replied numbly.

I stared at her hopefully. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the basement."

She lumbered back solemnly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the billfold, turned, and ran out of the laundry room. I came over, picked up the billfold, and took it back to the basement.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before yanking a billfold," I thought to myself, as I waddled off to deliver an ashtray.