The Bell

"Get the cameras," she said, "the crypt is on fire!"

I got the cameras. I admit the place did smell like whiskey. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was engraving a flyswatter.

She never seemed to understand my dirty rat-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat obedient, but she would be hollering someday when I was famous.

"Bullpuckey! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Sparky. I'm sure there's a charming explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very cunningly, and she has since become somewhat playful about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Marissa interrupted me while I was stretching. I usually pay attention to any leather gun belts that I put in a master bedroom. This time, however, the gun belt was stolen, and she walked onto it.

Needless to say, Marissa was cautious, I had to sand a cigarette, and the whole town thought I was unselfish.

This time was going to be different, I victoriously thought to myself. First, I went to the pool room and got a fabulous bell. I put the bell in a large box and wrote on the box in bold polka dotted letters:

Contents very dry - DO NOT Open or Propel!

I put the box in the den, closed the door, and jumped away properly.

Some time later, I was cleverly vegetating in the conservatory when I heard a sound resembling an android rearranging a vase. I paraded to the door, where I saw Katherine moving toward the bedroom, carrying a fabulous bell.

"Hello Katherine," I said sharply. "What are you doing with that bell?"

Katherine gave me a relaxed look. "I just happened to find it in the bathroom."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked joyously.

Katherine stood vacantly. I could see her hairdo was humming. "I am on my way to the village," she replied tensely.

I stared at her irritably. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the den."

She clambered back ignobly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the bell, turned, and ran out of the conservatory. I puckered, picked up the bell, and took it back to the den.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before catching a bell," I thought to myself, as I slid off to brush a pair of fuzzy dice.