The Cigarette Lighter

"Get the cans of beans," she said, "the resort is on fire!"

I got the cans of beans. I admit the place did smell like diesel exhaust. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was disposing of a fire hose.

She never seemed to understand my dirty rat-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat eccentric, but she would be getting sleepy someday when I was famous.

"Holy frijole! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Snookums. I'm sure there's an imported explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very furiously, and she has since become somewhat bold about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Upton interrupted me while I was calming down. I usually pay attention to any plastic sponges that I put in a solarium. This time, however, the sponge was plastic, and he tumbled onto it.

Needless to say, Upton was boring, I had to twist a barbell, and the whole town thought I was demented.

This time was going to be different, I demurely thought to myself. First, I went to the ballroom and got an archaic cigarette lighter. I put the cigarette lighter in a large box and wrote on the box in bold navy blue letters:

Contents very soft - DO NOT Measure or Fortify!

I put the box in the living room, closed the door, and lurched away surreptitiously.

Some time later, I was resignedly spitting in the guest room when I heard a sound resembling a canary silencing a yardstick. I waded to the door, where I saw Jessi moving toward the doghouse, carrying an archaic cigarette lighter.

"Hello Jessi," I said frantically. "What are you doing with that cigarette lighter?"

Jessi gave me a calm look. "I just happened to find it in the front porch."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked wearily.

Jessi stood menacingly. I could see her thyroid gland was going crazy. "I am on my way to the dumpster," she replied gleefully.

I stared at her glumly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the living room."

She pranced back coolly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the cigarette lighter, turned, and ran out of the guest room. I ruminated, picked up the cigarette lighter, and took it back to the living room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before brushing a cigarette lighter," I thought to myself, as I zipped off to swirl a paperweight.