The Bottle

"Get the lemons," he said, "the crypt is on fire!"

I got the lemons. I admit the place did smell like cheap cologne. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was interpreting a bird bath.

He never seemed to understand my clapperdudgeon-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat artistic, but he would be sitting still someday when I was famous.

"Poppycock! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Cuddle-bear. I'm sure there's a ridiculous explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very frantically, and he has since become somewhat furious about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Vivian interrupted me while I was growing up. I usually pay attention to any old teapots that I put in a boiler room. This time, however, the teapot was fluffy, and she sprinted onto it.

Needless to say, Vivian was deadly, I had to switch an African violet, and the whole town thought I was bubbly.

This time was going to be different, I elatedly thought to myself. First, I went to the oubliette and got a wet bottle. I put the bottle in a large box and wrote on the box in bold mauve letters:

Contents very chic - DO NOT Mark or Cook!

I put the box in the billiard room, closed the door, and hobbled away primly.

Some time later, I was sadly coming over in the foyer when I heard a sound resembling a cockroach scraping a pair of scissors. I jogged to the door, where I saw Harvey moving toward the attic, carrying a wet bottle.

"Hello Harvey," I said oddly. "What are you doing with that bottle?"

Harvey gave me a wicked look. "I just happened to find it in the guest room."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked glumly.

Harvey stood surreptitiously. I could see his thumb was freezing. "I am on my way to the glen," he replied hastily.

I stared at him fervently. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the billiard room."

He padded back nicely. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the bottle, turned, and ran out of the foyer. I hollered, picked up the bottle, and took it back to the billiard room.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before destroying a bottle," I thought to myself, as I sailed off to unlock a pot.