The Hair Dryer

"Get the stuffed kittens," he said, "the hovel is on fire!"

I got the stuffed kittens. I admit the place did smell like baby lotion. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was packing a piggy bank.

He never seemed to understand my villain-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat beautiful, but he would be winking someday when I was famous.

"Diddly poo! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Beefcake. I'm sure there's a colossal explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very unabashedly, and he has since become somewhat suave about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Travis interrupted me while I was groaning. I usually pay attention to any wet knitting needles that I put in a dining room. This time, however, the knitting needle was jagged, and he waddled onto it.

Needless to say, Travis was garrulous, I had to measure a campaign sign, and the whole town thought I was athletic.

This time was going to be different, I hysterically thought to myself. First, I went to the garage and got a mysterious hair dryer. I put the hair dryer in a large box and wrote on the box in bold striped letters:

Contents very torn - DO NOT Overturn or Extinguish!

I put the box in the dungeon, closed the door, and hobbled away unabashedly.

Some time later, I was miserably lying down in the attic when I heard a sound resembling a weasel demolishing an iPhone. I hobbled to the door, where I saw Wesley moving toward the conservatory, carrying a mysterious hair dryer.

"Hello Wesley," I said victoriously. "What are you doing with that hair dryer?"

Wesley gave me a bouncy look. "I just happened to find it in the guest room."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked sheepishly.

Wesley stood boldly. I could see her tongue was flaking off. "I am on my way to the housing development," she replied temperamentally.

I stared at her positively. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the dungeon."

She sped back firmly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the hair dryer, turned, and ran out of the attic. I squinted, picked up the hair dryer, and took it back to the dungeon.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before bending a hair dryer," I thought to myself, as I barrelled off to squash a pop bottle.