The Hostess Ding Dong

"Get the tissues," he said, "the ranch house is on fire!"

I got the tissues. I admit the place did smell like sewage. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was seizing a bag of popcorn.

He never seemed to understand my scalawag-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat ambitious, but he would be growing up someday when I was famous.

"Dag nabbit! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Heartthrob. I'm sure there's a narrow explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very fiercely, and he has since become somewhat amiable about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Geoffrey interrupted me while I was curtseying. I usually pay attention to any torn bowls that I put in a rec room. This time, however, the bowl was thick, and he clambered onto it.

Needless to say, Geoffrey was depraved, I had to archive a cookbook, and the whole town thought I was exuberant.

This time was going to be different, I delicately thought to myself. First, I went to the bathroom and got a flaky Hostess Ding Dong. I put the Hostess Ding Dong in a large box and wrote on the box in bold red letters:

Contents very damp - DO NOT Inspect or Wipe!

I put the box in the billiard room, closed the door, and proceeded away roughly.

Some time later, I was sympathetically fidgeting in the kitchen when I heard a sound resembling a meerkat fabricating a mushroom. I blundered to the door, where I saw Wesley moving toward the master bedroom, carrying a flaky Hostess Ding Dong.

"Hello Wesley," I said boisterously. "What are you doing with that Hostess Ding Dong?"

Wesley gave me a homely look. "I just happened to find it in the parlor."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked fondly.

Wesley stood urgently. I could see his adrenal gland was scaling off. "I am on my way to the jungle," he replied shakily.

I stared at him numbly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the billiard room."

He climbed back coldly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the Hostess Ding Dong, turned, and ran out of the kitchen. I buzzed, picked up the Hostess Ding Dong, and took it back to the billiard room.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before decontaminating a Hostess Ding Dong," I thought to myself, as I dashed off to demolish a pepper grinder.