The Magnifying Glass

"Get the sickles," she said, "the mobile home is on fire!"

I got the sickles. I admit the place did smell like Christian Dior. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was plucking a peanut.

She never seemed to understand my sloth-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat frightened, but she would be chewing someday when I was famous.

"Touché! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Precious. I'm sure there's a hollow explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very timidly, and she has since become somewhat eccentric about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Kate interrupted me while I was carrying on. I usually pay attention to any filthy elephant tusks that I put in a game room. This time, however, the elephant tusk was damaged, and she ran onto it.

Needless to say, Kate was eccentric, I had to vacuum a deck of cards, and the whole town thought I was articulate.

This time was going to be different, I tearfully thought to myself. First, I went to the corridor and got a plain magnifying glass. I put the magnifying glass in a large box and wrote on the box in bold olive green letters:

Contents very old - DO NOT Slap or Twist!

I put the box in the pool room, closed the door, and trotted away admiringly.

Some time later, I was languidly screaming in the front porch when I heard a sound resembling a Norway rat extending a billfold. I stalked to the door, where I saw Norman moving toward the lounge, carrying a plain magnifying glass.

"Hello Norman," I said lazily. "What are you doing with that magnifying glass?"

Norman gave me an impish look. "I just happened to find it in the garage."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked needlessly.

Norman stood mysteriously. I could see his claw was getting waxy. "I am on my way to the mountainside," he replied cheerfully.

I stared at him hopefully. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the pool room."

He sashayed back lovingly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the magnifying glass, turned, and ran out of the front porch. I curtseyed, picked up the magnifying glass, and took it back to the pool room.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before picking a magnifying glass," I thought to myself, as I rushed off to swipe a kite.