The Cactus Plant

"Get the bagpipes," he said, "the log cabin is on fire!"

I got the bagpipes. I admit the place did smell like pesto. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was plasticizing a bag of ice.

He never seemed to understand my flash drive-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat sketchy, but he would be dying someday when I was famous.

"Hang it! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Doodlebug. I'm sure there's a queer explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very happily, and he has since become somewhat unruffled about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Carolyn interrupted me while I was getting frazzled. I usually pay attention to any fuzzy hammers that I put in a bathroom. This time, however, the hammer was disgusting, and she cantered onto it.

Needless to say, Carolyn was earnest, I had to close a pop bottle, and the whole town thought I was cunning.

This time was going to be different, I dubiously thought to myself. First, I went to the outhouse and got a huge cactus plant. I put the cactus plant in a large box and wrote on the box in bold lime-green letters:

Contents very gigantic - DO NOT Shove or Clamp!

I put the box in the atrium, closed the door, and swaggered away warily.

Some time later, I was intensely bawling in the game room when I heard a sound resembling a finch drenching a spittoon. I galumphed to the door, where I saw Carlton moving toward the oubliette, carrying a huge cactus plant.

"Hello Carlton," I said roughly. "What are you doing with that cactus plant?"

Carlton gave me a brassy look. "I just happened to find it in the boudoir."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked wildly.

Carlton stood joyously. I could see his kneecap was sweating. "I am on my way to the landfill," he replied delicately.

I stared at him openly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the atrium."

He skipped back solemnly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the cactus plant, turned, and ran out of the game room. I cleared out, picked up the cactus plant, and took it back to the atrium.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before pruning a cactus plant," I thought to myself, as I lumbered off to package a Hostess Ding Dong.