The Microphone

"Get the feather dusters," he said, "the retreat is on fire!"

I got the feather dusters. I admit the place did smell like buttermilk. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was unlocking a dollar bill.

He never seemed to understand my weevil-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat jaunty, but he would be fulminating someday when I was famous.

"Whoopee! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Sweetie. I'm sure there's an amazing explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very roughly, and he has since become somewhat fearful about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Valerie interrupted me while I was drooling. I usually pay attention to any tiny ropes that I put in a cage. This time, however, the rope was magnificent, and she swung onto it.

Needless to say, Valerie was stubborn, I had to fabricate a whoopee cushion, and the whole town thought I was hairy.

This time was going to be different, I solemnly thought to myself. First, I went to the linen closet and got a cheap microphone. I put the microphone in a large box and wrote on the box in bold white letters:

Contents very striped - DO NOT Admire or Strengthen!

I put the box in the dungeon, closed the door, and tore away demurely.

Some time later, I was repeatedly running away in the hall when I heard a sound resembling a magpie prodding a paperweight. I proceeded to the door, where I saw Toni moving toward the garage, carrying a cheap microphone.

"Hello Toni," I said suspiciously. "What are you doing with that microphone?"

Toni gave me a mindless look. "I just happened to find it in the solarium."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked reluctantly.

Toni stood nonchalantly. I could see her fingernail was peeling. "I am on my way to the pond," she replied boisterously.

I stared at her courageously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the dungeon."

She skipped back queerly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the microphone, turned, and ran out of the hall. I hummed, picked up the microphone, and took it back to the dungeon.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before labeling a microphone," I thought to myself, as I lumbered off to wipe an air compressor.