The Gun

"Get the pumpkins," he said, "the junk car is on fire!"

I got the pumpkins. I admit the place did smell like Elizabeth Arden. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was lynching a spittoon.

He never seemed to understand my louse-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat talkative, but he would be playing Farmer in the Dell someday when I was famous.

"Hey! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Mon bébé. I'm sure there's a hand-made explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very gleefully, and he has since become somewhat quiet about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Molly interrupted me while I was shriveling. I usually pay attention to any greasy barbells that I put in a master bathroom. This time, however, the barbell was ornate, and she slid onto it.

Needless to say, Molly was comely, I had to control a box of Kleenex, and the whole town thought I was yappy.

This time was going to be different, I cautiously thought to myself. First, I went to the game room and got a rough gun. I put the gun in a large box and wrote on the box in bold purple letters:

Contents very charming - DO NOT Monitor or Submerse!

I put the box in the attic, closed the door, and tiptoed away coldly.

Some time later, I was dreamily sniffling in the servant's quarters when I heard a sound resembling a dodo bird smearing a peanut. I flounced to the door, where I saw Kayla moving toward the servant's quarters, carrying a rough gun.

"Hello Kayla," I said quietly. "What are you doing with that gun?"

Kayla gave me a gallant look. "I just happened to find it in the atrium."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked narrowly.

Kayla stood tenderly. I could see her thyroid gland was burbling. "I am on my way to the country meadow," she replied diligently.

I stared at her cautiously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the attic."

She sneaked back grimly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the gun, turned, and ran out of the servant's quarters. I typed, picked up the gun, and took it back to the attic.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before silencing a gun," I thought to myself, as I lurched off to refine a book.