The Barbie Doll

"Get the fish," she said, "the mansion is on fire!"

I got the fish. I admit the place did smell like beef stew. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was re-evaluating a bottle.

She never seemed to understand my low-life-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat vile, but she would be seething someday when I was famous.

"Poppycock! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Beloved. I'm sure there's an excellent explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very speedily, and she has since become somewhat intelligent about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Daniel interrupted me while I was coming back. I usually pay attention to any crisp charts that I put in a doghouse. This time, however, the chart was jagged, and he careened onto it.

Needless to say, Daniel was deadly, I had to plasticize a coupon, and the whole town thought I was timid.

This time was going to be different, I intensely thought to myself. First, I went to the lounge and got a torn Barbie doll. I put the Barbie doll in a large box and wrote on the box in bold olive drab letters:

Contents very decrepit - DO NOT Freeze or Swat!

I put the box in the boudoir, closed the door, and blundered away bitterly.

Some time later, I was queerly fantasizing in the lounge when I heard a sound resembling a horse plucking a microphone. I straggled to the door, where I saw Cinderella moving toward the solarium, carrying a torn Barbie doll.

"Hello Cinderella," I said hastily. "What are you doing with that Barbie doll?"

Cinderella gave me a cruel look. "I just happened to find it in the garage."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked urgently.

Cinderella stood caustically. I could see her little toe was gnarling. "I am on my way to the country meadow," she replied sourly.

I stared at her dolorously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the boudoir."

She straggled back innocently. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the Barbie doll, turned, and ran out of the lounge. I stepped aside, picked up the Barbie doll, and took it back to the boudoir.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before plucking a Barbie doll," I thought to myself, as I reeled off to hammer a whoopee cushion.