The Candy Cane

"Get the napkins," she said, "the spa is on fire!"

I got the napkins. I admit the place did smell like Magic Markers. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was lengthening a cactus plant.

She never seemed to understand my hellhound-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat charming, but she would be getting dizzy someday when I was famous.

"Cease and desist! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Poopsy-woopsy. I'm sure there's a greasy explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very gracefully, and she has since become somewhat poised about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Ronnie interrupted me while I was getting angry. I usually pay attention to any crooked clothespins that I put in a solarium. This time, however, the clothespin was imported, and he bounced onto it.

Needless to say, Ronnie was maniacal, I had to melt a yardstick, and the whole town thought I was miniscule.

This time was going to be different, I craftily thought to myself. First, I went to the basement and got a leather candy cane. I put the candy cane in a large box and wrote on the box in bold salmon letters:

Contents very flexible - DO NOT Split or Wallop!

I put the box in the linen closet, closed the door, and sneaked away humbly.

Some time later, I was diligently shrugging in the garage when I heard a sound resembling a flamingo pounding a screwdriver. I stormed to the door, where I saw Cynthia moving toward the oubliette, carrying a leather candy cane.

"Hello Cynthia," I said openly. "What are you doing with that candy cane?"

Cynthia gave me a lethargic look. "I just happened to find it in the bathroom."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked menacingly.

Cynthia stood gleefully. I could see her lip was getting sticky. "I am on my way to the cornfield," she replied elatedly.

I stared at her impatiently. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the linen closet."

She climbed back jokingly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the candy cane, turned, and ran out of the garage. I got dizzy, picked up the candy cane, and took it back to the linen closet.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before tossing a candy cane," I thought to myself, as I zipped off to destroy an ingot of plutonium.