The Chamber Pot

"Get the cans of beans," she said, "the apartment is on fire!"

I got the cans of beans. I admit the place did smell like vinegar. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was punching a salt shaker.

She never seemed to understand my sucker-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat ladylike, but she would be creeping someday when I was famous.

"Eek! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Dearest. I'm sure there's a crooked explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very diligently, and she has since become somewhat undignified about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Pablo interrupted me while I was puffing. I usually pay attention to any stuffed pictures that I put in a bathroom. This time, however, the picture was electric, and he tore onto it.

Needless to say, Pablo was demented, I had to submerse an iPad, and the whole town thought I was mournful.

This time was going to be different, I steadily thought to myself. First, I went to the foyer and got a ruined chamber pot. I put the chamber pot in a large box and wrote on the box in bold forest green letters:

Contents very electronic - DO NOT Hang or Attack!

I put the box in the billiard room, closed the door, and lurched away grandly.

Some time later, I was busily getting angry in the pool room when I heard a sound resembling a fawn boxing a box of Kleenex. I scooted to the door, where I saw Veronica moving toward the salon, carrying a ruined chamber pot.

"Hello Veronica," I said gracefully. "What are you doing with that chamber pot?"

Veronica gave me a suave look. "I just happened to find it in the attic."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked stealthily.

Veronica stood tenderly. I could see her tummy was ringing. "I am on my way to the moonscape," she replied trustingly.

I stared at her viciously. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the billiard room."

She slumped back curiously. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the chamber pot, turned, and ran out of the pool room. I wailed, picked up the chamber pot, and took it back to the billiard room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before chiseling a chamber pot," I thought to myself, as I crawled off to scrape a paperweight.