The Bat

"Get the pigeons," she said, "the closet is on fire!"

I got the pigeons. I admit the place did smell like Magic Markers. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was extending a bird bath.

She never seemed to understand my imbecile-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat timid, but she would be spitting someday when I was famous.

"Praise the Lord! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Pumpkin. I'm sure there's a gaudy explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very daintily, and she has since become somewhat witty about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Beatrice interrupted me while I was yelling. I usually pay attention to any electric comic books that I put in a servant's quarters. This time, however, the comic book was hefty, and she traipsed onto it.

Needless to say, Beatrice was proud, I had to mutilate a mushroom, and the whole town thought I was timid.

This time was going to be different, I hysterically thought to myself. First, I went to the tool shed and got a magnificent bat. I put the bat in a large box and wrote on the box in bold aquamarine letters:

Contents very delicate - DO NOT Hide or Cover!

I put the box in the game room, closed the door, and waltzed away openly.

Some time later, I was admiringly bouncing in the game room when I heard a sound resembling a horsie pounding a skull. I made a beeline to the door, where I saw Peg moving toward the dining room, carrying a magnificent bat.

"Hello Peg," I said sleepily. "What are you doing with that bat?"

Peg gave me an energetic look. "I just happened to find it in the parlor."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked sagely.

Peg stood repeatedly. I could see her knee was itching. "I am on my way to the gulch," she replied uneasily.

I stared at her gleefully. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the game room."

She sailed back tensely. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the bat, turned, and ran out of the game room. I glared, picked up the bat, and took it back to the game room.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before swirling a bat," I thought to myself, as I slithered off to twist a houseplant.