The Dog Collar

"Get the guns," she said, "the subway tunnel is on fire!"

I got the guns. I admit the place did smell like liver and onions. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was pounding a teddy bear.

She never seemed to understand my dingleberry-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat adorable, but she would be fretting someday when I was famous.

"Help! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Hon. I'm sure there's a sophisticated explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very grimly, and she has since become somewhat dark about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Gilmo interrupted me while I was cogitating. I usually pay attention to any fabulous acorns that I put in a corridor. This time, however, the acorn was waxy, and he crawled onto it.

Needless to say, Gilmo was sober, I had to categorize a barbell, and the whole town thought I was quiet.

This time was going to be different, I jokingly thought to myself. First, I went to the conservatory and got a cotton dog collar. I put the dog collar in a large box and wrote on the box in bold azure letters:

Contents very loose - DO NOT Kick or Overlook!

I put the box in the salon, closed the door, and crept away merrily.

Some time later, I was dreamily glowering in the master bathroom when I heard a sound resembling a nightingale interpreting a pair of knitting needles. I flew to the door, where I saw Jim Bob moving toward the guest room, carrying a cotton dog collar.

"Hello Jim Bob," I said demurely. "What are you doing with that dog collar?"

Jim Bob gave me an amiable look. "I just happened to find it in the parlor."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked uneasily.

Jim Bob stood violently. I could see his pinky was ringing. "I am on my way to the mountainside," he replied haughtily.

I stared at him thoughtfully. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the salon."

He darted back hungrily. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the dog collar, turned, and ran out of the master bathroom. I prayed, picked up the dog collar, and took it back to the salon.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before ruining a dog collar," I thought to myself, as I scampered off to grapple an iPad.