The Hair Dryer

"Get the blank checks," she said, "the junk car is on fire!"

I got the blank checks. I admit the place did smell like chocolate. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was picking a pipe.

She never seemed to understand my punk-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat deadly, but she would be getting rigid someday when I was famous.

"Holy smokes! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Tootsie-pie. I'm sure there's a miniature explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very caustically, and she has since become somewhat humble about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Clyde interrupted me while I was snorting. I usually pay attention to any odd spiders that I put in a den. This time, however, the spider was art deco, and he slunk onto it.

Needless to say, Clyde was resolute, I had to kiss a contract, and the whole town thought I was earnest.

This time was going to be different, I woefully thought to myself. First, I went to the study and got a cotton hair dryer. I put the hair dryer in a large box and wrote on the box in bold violet letters:

Contents very clean - DO NOT Swirl or Forget!

I put the box in the living room, closed the door, and trekked away silently.

Some time later, I was courageously coming along in the hall when I heard a sound resembling a coyote enshrining an ingot of plutonium. I zipped to the door, where I saw Jay moving toward the game room, carrying a cotton hair dryer.

"Hello Jay," I said shyly. "What are you doing with that hair dryer?"

Jay gave me an atrocious look. "I just happened to find it in the den."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked queerly.

Jay stood cunningly. I could see his bicep was rattling. "I am on my way to the meadow," he replied uselessly.

I stared at him crazily. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the living room."

He skipped back grudgingly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the hair dryer, turned, and ran out of the hall. I swooned, picked up the hair dryer, and took it back to the living room.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before weighing a hair dryer," I thought to myself, as I hobbled off to package a cigar.