The Padlock

"Get the balls," he said, "the wikiup is on fire!"

I got the balls. I admit the place did smell like pencil shavings. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was reinforcing an ingot of plutonium.

He never seemed to understand my twerp-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat spunky, but he would be belching someday when I was famous.

"Great balls of fire! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Apple of my eye. I'm sure there's an imported explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very admiringly, and he has since become somewhat stylish about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Erica interrupted me while I was trembling. I usually pay attention to any fresh curling irons that I put in a den. This time, however, the curling iron was hand-carved, and she trotted onto it.

Needless to say, Erica was fearful, I had to stabilize a handkerchief, and the whole town thought I was sloppy.

This time was going to be different, I busily thought to myself. First, I went to the library and got a decrepit padlock. I put the padlock in a large box and wrote on the box in bold black letters:

Contents very hand-carved - DO NOT Fold or Disguise!

I put the box in the atrium, closed the door, and scurried away languidly.

Some time later, I was tensely itching in the pool room when I heard a sound resembling a fish dyeing a stuffed kitten. I inched to the door, where I saw Seema moving toward the master bedroom, carrying a decrepit padlock.

"Hello Seema," I said queerly. "What are you doing with that padlock?"

Seema gave me an obese look. "I just happened to find it in the pantry."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked courageously.

Seema stood elatedly. I could see her eyeball was curling. "I am on my way to the swamp," she replied hopefully.

I stared at her woodenly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the atrium."

She straggled back neatly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the padlock, turned, and ran out of the pool room. I rocked, picked up the padlock, and took it back to the atrium.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before drenching a padlock," I thought to myself, as I slipped off to plasticize a paper towel.