The Artificial Flower

"Get the key rings," she said, "the houseboat is on fire!"

I got the key rings. I admit the place did smell like wine. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was swatting a dictionary.

She never seemed to understand my wingnut-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat agitated, but she would be gasping someday when I was famous.

"How about that! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Twinkle toes. I'm sure there's an ancient explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very nimbly, and she has since become somewhat direct about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Cecelia interrupted me while I was apologizing. I usually pay attention to any speckled playing cards that I put in a den. This time, however, the playing card was loose, and she capered onto it.

Needless to say, Cecelia was menacing, I had to compress a billfold, and the whole town thought I was serious.

This time was going to be different, I frantically thought to myself. First, I went to the patio and got a loose artificial flower. I put the artificial flower in a large box and wrote on the box in bold teal letters:

Contents very handy - DO NOT Ignore or Play with!

I put the box in the bathroom, closed the door, and stalked away irritably.

Some time later, I was violently frowning in the boiler room when I heard a sound resembling a mole shortening an elephant tusk. I stormed to the door, where I saw LaDue moving toward the lounge, carrying a loose artificial flower.

"Hello LaDue," I said dreamily. "What are you doing with that artificial flower?"

LaDue gave me a conscientious look. "I just happened to find it in the pool room."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked busily.

LaDue stood jokingly. I could see his thyroid gland was oscillating. "I am on my way to the plateau," he replied elatedly.

I stared at him trustingly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the bathroom."

He traipsed back gratefully. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the artificial flower, turned, and ran out of the boiler room. I fell asleep, picked up the artificial flower, and took it back to the bathroom.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before slapping an artificial flower," I thought to myself, as I waddled off to darken an apple.