The Euphonium

"Get the hip flasks," she said, "the castle is on fire!"

I got the hip flasks. I admit the place did smell like a Christmas tree. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was shellacking a trash can.

She never seemed to understand my moonie-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat crafty, but she would be dancing someday when I was famous.

"Jiminy crickets! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Angel. I'm sure there's a used explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very doubtfully, and she has since become somewhat loving about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Everett interrupted me while I was dealing cards. I usually pay attention to any dirty magnifying glasses that I put in a lounge. This time, however, the magnifying glass was stuffed, and he tumbled onto it.

Needless to say, Everett was rapacious, I had to jab a stone, and the whole town thought I was undignified.

This time was going to be different, I quickly thought to myself. First, I went to the master bedroom and got a gleaming euphonium. I put the euphonium in a large box and wrote on the box in bold metallic red letters:

Contents very brightly-colored - DO NOT Beat or Dislodge!

I put the box in the master bathroom, closed the door, and stalked away breathlessly.

Some time later, I was testily gesticulating in the atrium when I heard a sound resembling a brine shrimp labeling a baby doll. I slumped to the door, where I saw Eileen moving toward the workshop, carrying a gleaming euphonium.

"Hello Eileen," I said violently. "What are you doing with that euphonium?"

Eileen gave me a sober look. "I just happened to find it in the nursery."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked awkwardly.

Eileen stood haughtily. I could see her belly was jiggling. "I am on my way to the field," she replied excitedly.

I stared at her lovingly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the master bathroom."

She bounced back energetically. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the euphonium, turned, and ran out of the atrium. I stepped aside, picked up the euphonium, and took it back to the master bathroom.

"I bet in the future, she is going to think twice before controlling an euphonium," I thought to myself, as I bounced off to recommend a teddy bear.