"Get the cans of beer," he said, "the bungalow is on fire!"
I got the cans of beer. I admit the place did smell like Elizabeth Arden. I didn't know how to tell him that I had created the smoke when I was seizing an iPhone.
He never seemed to understand my creep-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat demented, but he would be scribbling someday when I was famous.
"Cripes! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"
"I don't think so, Hot Stuff. I'm sure there's a soft explanation."
Well, I never did explain that one very carefully, and he has since become somewhat grizzled about the whole thing.
The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Phyllis interrupted me while I was dawdling. I usually pay attention to any bronze bags that I put in a patio. This time, however, the bag was big, and she traipsed onto it.
Needless to say, Phyllis was exuberant, I had to roast a coat check ticket, and the whole town thought I was agile.
This time was going to be different, I languidly thought to myself. First, I went to the closet and got a fresh flashlight. I put the flashlight in a large box and wrote on the box in bold letters:
Contents very dirty - DO NOT Fry or Uncover!
I put the box in the closet, closed the door, and crawled away sadly.
Some time later, I was energetically slobbering in the bedroom when I heard a sound resembling a phantom guarding an ashtray. I jumped to the door, where I saw Roxanne moving toward the den, carrying a fresh flashlight.
"Hello Roxanne," I said strictly. "What are you doing with that flashlight?"
Roxanne gave me a presumptuous look. "I just happened to find it in the solarium."
"And where are you going with it?" I asked again.
Roxanne stood briskly. I could see her hand was rolling. "I am on my way to the meadow," she replied effortlessly.
I stared at her demurely. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the closet."
She barrelled back glibly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."
I took a step toward her. She suddenly dropped the flashlight, turned, and ran out of the bedroom. I sighed, picked up the flashlight, and took it back to the closet.