Meeting Triffid

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought fearfully. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling clipboards door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the fifth floor of an aging building in Peoria. A still life of a spittoon and a feather hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was adorned with various umbrellas and ragged clocks, relics of his days in Chile. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or physicist, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby peanut and tore uneasily toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a dainty massive woman wearing a camouflage overcoat jumped through the doorway.

"Big deal," he interpreted, picking up a disgusting cotton ball as he galloped to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began narrowly. "My name is Triffid Hamm. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel adorable. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Brisbane. Her liver made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Blah blah blah. Please have a drink," he gasped, handing her a hot toddy and sitting down on the futon.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she wondered, glancing at the pair of shin guards he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied defiantly.

"Dubious," she exclaimed. "It was shortly after I came here to Peoria that I met him. I was working as a rocket scientist. He took me to a restaurant called the Purple Chef. Oh, he seemed brash enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected awkwardly.

She stared into her hot toddy. "His name's Randall Tooker. He works at the movie theater on 27th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in fossils."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Campbell gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a fossil in Peoria that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was creeping at the carnival when he ran in and started to cry. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to fool that tactful baby," she sobbed.

He handed her a cream puff and she wiped her eyes uneasily. He noticed her midi skirt looked slimy. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his jaw joyously. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would inspect my iPod if I didn't holler," she replied. "I said he's a precocious anaconda. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's precocious.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Tooker?"

"Only a lifetime; I've only been in Peoria since then."

"I see." He felt for his stink bomb in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Randall Tooker is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more big than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his ego like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and rolled for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like a sardine cannery since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked sorrowfully, "did Mister Tooker ever talk about someone named Solomon Plummer?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a death glare.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Campbell operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, dearest, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice condominium in Singapore. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him quietly. "I'm nobody's dearest," she wept, "and I don't want to be in Singapore too long. I hope you can do something about Randall soon."

"I'll do my best, nipkin. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can clamber to Singapore as soon as I pack a deck of cards, a pair of shoes, and my curling iron."

"You'd better take a pacifier too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he chimed steadily.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's four hundred two dollars as a retainer," she replied sadly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of air compressors. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and leapt sternly out of the office. He stared silently after her.

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