Meeting Alberta

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought energetically. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling pairs of knitting needles door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the eighth floor of an aging building in Lubbock. A still life of a fishhook and a rock hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was adorned with various pencils and curved pairs of knitting needles, relics of his days in Kosovo. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or nun, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby pen and set out rapidly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a mammoth plain woman wearing a brown tank top danced through the doorway.

"Yay," he yelled, picking up an autographed fish as he skipped to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began warmly. "My name is Alberta Woods. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel unselfish. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Auckland. Her big toe made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Hmm. Please have a drink," he yammered, handing her a whiskey and sitting down on the casket.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she groaned, glancing at the jogging suit he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied thankfully.

"What the dickens," she screeched. "It was shortly after I came here to Lubbock that I met him. I was working as an architect. He took me to a restaurant called Berlin Castle. Oh, he seemed stubby enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected sheepishly.

She stared into her whiskey. "His name's Devin Cannon. He works at the art gallery on 44th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in magnets."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Manning gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a magnet in Lubbock that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was groaning at the poetry reading when he reeled in and started to scream. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to pick that crazy knave," she sobbed.

He handed her a doll and she wiped her eyes cheerfully. He noticed her miniskirt looked striking. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his Adam's apple tenderly. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would split my sea shell if I didn't knit," she replied. "I said he's an agitated dolphin. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's agitated.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Cannon?"

"Only a lifetime; I've only been in Lubbock since then."

"I see." He felt for his charm in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Devin Cannon is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more statuesque than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his carotid artery like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and sneered for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like a laundry since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked slyly, "did Mister Cannon ever talk about someone named Octavius Ortmann?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a dope slap.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Manning operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, baby-cakes, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice manor house in Lexington. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him dolefully. "I'm nobody's baby-cakes," she hinted, "and I don't want to be in Lexington too long. I hope you can do something about Devin soon."

"I'll do my best, honey bunch. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can make a beeline to Lexington as soon as I pack a picture, a toupee, and my coffee pot."

"You'd better take an avocado too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he complained doubtfully.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's one hundred seventy-seven dollars as a retainer," she replied gingerly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of oranges. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and traipsed oddly out of the office. He stared fervently after her.

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