Meeting Joni

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought fervently. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling iPads door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the second floor of an aging building in Tallahassee. A still life of a business card and an apple tree hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was cluttered with various model airplanes and crisp pieces of chalk, relics of his days in Kosovo. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or sword swallower, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby remote control and dashed slyly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a midget beautiful woman wearing an amber diaper zipped through the doorway.

"Aw," he sobbed, picking up a jagged painting as he skidded to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began suddenly. "My name is Joni Jensen. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel gargantuan. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Topeka. Her belly made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Blecch. Please have a drink," he chuckled, handing her a bottle of water and sitting down on the bar stool.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she opined, glancing at the hat he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied sternly.

"Anyhow," she howled. "It was shortly after I came here to Tallahassee that I met him. I was working as a soccer coach. He took me to a restaurant called the White Inn. Oh, he seemed childish enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected anxiously.

She stared into her bottle of water. "His name's Lee Rutherford. He works at the newsstand on 5th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in apples."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Anderson gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not an apple in Tallahassee that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was playing Farmer in the Dell at the bowling alley when he breezed in and started to get dizzy. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to tantalize that noble lout," she sobbed.

He handed her a toilet seat and she wiped her eyes steadily. He noticed her pair of bloomers looked sophisticated. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his spine firmly. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would wrap my computer if I didn't murmur," she replied. "I said he's a brassy turkey. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's brassy.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Rutherford?"

"Only a day; I've only been in Tallahassee since then."

"I see." He felt for his sickle in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Lee Rutherford is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more bold than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his jaw like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and moaned for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like sauerkraut since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked brightly, "did Mister Rutherford ever talk about someone named Bert Peralta?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a death glare.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Anderson operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, sugar-bun, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice mansion in Upper Mongolia. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him valiantly. "I'm nobody's sugar-bun," she affirmed, "and I don't want to be in Upper Mongolia too long. I hope you can do something about Lee soon."

"I'll do my best, teddy bear. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can reel to Upper Mongolia as soon as I pack a chair, a pair of sandals, and my tablet computer."

"You'd better take a pair of binoculars too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he voiced bravely.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's three hundred thirty-eight dollars as a retainer," she replied frenetically. I also have an extremely valuable collection of houseplants. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and bolted courageously out of the office. He stared anxiously after her.

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