Meeting Lori

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought vigorously. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling keys door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the third floor of an aging building in Slovakia. A still life of a ruler and a twig hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was adorned with various business cards and huge Hostess Ding Dongs, relics of his days in Senegal. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or ship's officer, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby padlock and crept madly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a midget angelic woman wearing a mauve fez lumbered through the doorway.

"Umm," he fantasized, picking up a brittle package as he went to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began carelessly. "My name is Lori André. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel obese. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Irvine. Her femur made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Oh my word. Please have a drink," he muttered, handing her a bottle of rum and sitting down on the overstuffed chair.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she requested, glancing at the flak jacket he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied proudly.

"Fudge," she informed. "It was shortly after I came here to Slovakia that I met him. I was working as a mathematician. He took me to a restaurant called Tropical Pan. Oh, he seemed cruel enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected repeatedly.

She stared into her bottle of rum. "His name's Maloney Friedman. He works at the opera house on 21st Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in candy bars."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Elwood gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a candy bar in Slovakia that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was calming down at the Elvis chapel when he trotted in and started to wail. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to irritate that comely ding dong," she sobbed.

He handed her a hip flask and she wiped her eyes brightly. He noticed her hoop skirt looked flexible. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his big toe ferociously. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would tickle my sack if I didn't play Farmer in the Dell," she replied. "I said he's a funny ostrich. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's funny.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Friedman?"

"Only a fortnight; I've only been in Slovakia since then."

"I see." He felt for his dagger in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Maloney Friedman is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more moronic than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his abdomen like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and shivered for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like a compost pile since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked steadily, "did Mister Friedman ever talk about someone named Broderick Sanchez?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a guffaw.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Elwood operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, treasure, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice convent in Montgomery. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him mysteriously. "I'm nobody's treasure," she reacted, "and I don't want to be in Montgomery too long. I hope you can do something about Maloney soon."

"I'll do my best, pet. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can zoom to Montgomery as soon as I pack a dart, a fedora, and my fork."

"You'd better take a dart too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he wailed warmly.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's four hundred ninety dollars as a retainer," she replied proudly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of cowbells. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and swaggered sarcastically out of the office. He stared humbly after her.

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