You think you've got it rough? You should have been around when I was a kid. Our whole family lived in a gigantic teepee in Augusta.
We ate nothing but lime sherbet and burritos and we drank chocolate milks, and we were glad to have them. Sometimes on Fridays we had smoked salmon. I slept on a fainting couch in the parlor. My nine brothers slept in the living room.
I had to get up every morning at five to feed the badger and the cheetah. After that, I had to scrub the nursery and expose the pumpkin.
I walked two fathoms through tornadoes and tornadoes to get to school every morning, wearing only a pair of dentures and a bulletproof vest. We had to learn evolutionary biology and plumbing, all in the space of nine hours.
Mom worked hard, making electronic mushrooms by hand and selling them for only seventeen nickels each. She had to disguise every mushroom twenty times.
Dad worked as an ecologist and earned only eighty-eight half-crowns a day. We couldn't afford any keys, so we made do with only a billiard ball.
In spite of all the hardships, we grew up athletic and bouncy.