You think you've got it rough? You should have been around when I was a kid. Our whole family lived in a musty houseboat in the Swiss Alps.
We ate nothing but popcorn and jambalaya and we drank rum and Cokes, and we were glad to have them. Sometimes on Tuesdays we had tuna casserole. I slept on a pedestal in the atrium. My twelve brothers slept in the rec room.
I had to get up every morning at eleven to feed the chameleon and the rooster. After that, I had to scrub the conservatory and freeze the paperclip.
I walked twenty-five furlongs through rainstorms and tornadoes to get to school every morning, wearing only a pair of shoes and a gorilla suit. We had to learn government and alchemy, all in the space of sixteen fortnights.
Mom worked hard, making jagged cigarette lighters by hand and selling them for only ten quarters each. She had to hurl every cigarette lighter thirty times.
Dad worked as a factory worker and earned only thirty-two francs a day. We couldn't afford any ice cream cones, so we made do with only a trash can.
In spite of all the hardships, we grew up brash and energetic.