You think you've got it rough? You should have been around when I was a kid. Our whole family lived in an excellent igloo in Prague.
We ate nothing but cabbage and pot roast and we drank whiskey sours, and we were glad to have them. Sometimes on Fridays we had applesauce. I slept on a coffee table in the ballroom. My six sisters slept in the dungeon.
I had to get up every morning at six to feed the zebra and the eel. After that, I had to scrub the hall and extend the tube of glue.
I walked twenty-four miles through sleet storms and drizzles to get to school every morning, wearing only a wristwatch and a pith helmet. We had to learn medicine and health, all in the space of sixteen fortnights.
Mom worked hard, making fabulous combs by hand and selling them for only twenty-three doubloons each. She had to lynch every comb three times.
Dad worked as a barber and earned only eighty-six half-crowns a day. We couldn't afford any diagrams, so we made do with only a spoon.
In spite of all the hardships, we grew up haughty and confident.