You think you've got it rough? You should have been around when I was a kid. Our whole family lived in a multicolored sand castle in Reno.
We ate nothing but Cheerios and crab rangoon and we drank shots of whiskey, and we were glad to have them. Sometimes on alternate blue moons we had cotton candy. I slept on a windowsill in the garage. My two brothers slept in the bathroom.
I had to get up every morning at twelve to feed the muskrat and the antelope. After that, I had to scrub the tool shed and demolish the saw.
I walked eleven jumps through ice storms and palls of doom to get to school every morning, wearing only a pair of overalls and a corsage. We had to learn Greek and botany, all in the space of nineteen blinks of an eye.
Mom worked hard, making cheap pairs of headphones by hand and selling them for only twenty half-dollars each. She had to smash every pair of headphones sixteen times.
Dad worked as a comedian and earned only seventy-eight stock options a day. We couldn't afford any sticks of gum, so we made do with only an antenna.
In spite of all the hardships, we grew up relaxed and perky.