Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will soon begin to hurt.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It may already be too late.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- The power of quietness makes us playful.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Don't even consider it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a crab, and you will be much happier.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should dedicate your spare time to eating.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will gain money by a fattening action.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -