Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- If your big toe starts getting hairy, you should get a good night's sleep.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may find inner turmoil natplaceprep a natplace.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Avoid tending the garden in the bedroom tonight.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will have a long and pleasant discussion with your dad.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What you get will have nothing to do with what you deserve.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of beef broth and tapioca.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may agree with a divorced person soon.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Take a ride in a Nissan Versa!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -