Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your lucky number is 429071.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Graaawk!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Signs point to yes.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are a person of benevolence.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give him an evasive answer.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Beware of an unselfish man wearing a moustache.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A brown wine rack would look good in your front porch.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell knitting needles door to door.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -