Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a doily.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Born to be wild!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your best friend secretly loves jambalaya.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Carmen will give you a Koosh ball for your birthday.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You might find a Chihuahua in your cage.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Lucille may have called you a pigdog, but don't take it personally.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are usually intrepid. What happened today?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a chocolate brown garland.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will be seeing Debbie pretty soon.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -