Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- This is a good day to rely on a ladybug.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should consider switching to a career as an advertising agent.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- They will greet you with a snuffle tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon begin to whistle.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should stop eating beef sirloin tips.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a guitar player.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -