Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Time to get on the road again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are reading this.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- There is a 22% chance of tomorrow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will soon move to a nunnery.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Grandmother's Bison.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for eavesdropping.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Try wearing a stethoscope tomorrow.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't look now, but there is a Doberman stalking you!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -