Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- How's that working out for you?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Where do you go from here?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A dominoes game may be the best way to occupy your time.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Teresa is going to subdue you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Beware of unsolicited advice.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may encounter a pig in an arroyo.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't even consider it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear a purple big grin.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a molecular biologist.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -