Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go outside and gather a basket of leaves. Give them to Joanie.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Better ease up on the pumpkin pie.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You'll never be the woman your father was.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from an embalmer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You have no life outside social media.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your newest friend thinks you are sweet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Consider heading east.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -