Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should go to Lubbock.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Is that hair growing on your neck?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- December will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for spitting.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You might try inversion therapy.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Someone named Joanne Bilgewater may take legal action against you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You're at the end of the road again.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Consider heading west.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Group needs you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Look both ways before you jiggle.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You should earn a degree in information science.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -