Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should consider switching to a career as a jeweler.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Paint a still life of a hammer and a stone.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Maybe more sleep would help.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It's nothing that a little vileness wouldn't help.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- The older you get, the more witty you become.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- What you said yesterday was exactly on point.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Time to buy a new stool.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You remind people of a hornet.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -