Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Your waist smells like garlic.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Your gall bladder will assume vast proportions.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as rags, paper clips, and ice cream cones.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will attract furious and urbane people to your home.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Time to clean up your act.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Do not attempt to understand this.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should stop eating fresh parsley.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have little interest in playing shuffleboard.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -