Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will soon move to an apartment.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You remind people of a hermit crab.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Someone named Brandie is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your sister.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your best friend secretly loves smoked salmon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of baker's chocolate and corn flakes.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -