Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- I hope you aren't carrying oat bran in your pocket.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You never belonged in the Jehovah's Witness Society anyway.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You became sketchy because your mother injured you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Don't.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your newest friend thinks you are heavyset.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Group needs you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -