Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Hunan Dining Room.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will soon begin to fall off.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your present plans will be a failure.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You have no life outside social media.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Avoid screaming in the workshop tonight.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will inherit sixty-three thousand dollars and a large number of daisies.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to a garden and look for a badger hole.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Be on the lookout for a hairy ant.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- The older you get, the more cowardly you become.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -