Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- What's that smell?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Go outside and gather a basket of deer tracks. Give them to Lucia.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Where do you get your novel ideas?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are as pigeon-toed as a baseball player.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -