Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- There is an 88% chance of tomorrow.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Linda is going to shrink you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Consider carrying a scalpel for your protection.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will get what you deserve.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's nothing that a little sociability wouldn't help.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Bretta will give you a Game Boy for your birthday.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- An encounter with a lamb may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your newest friend thinks you are vile.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You could be a master of playing shuffleboard.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a tiger, the tail of a tarantula, and the face of a cougar.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Andrea may have called you a stalker, but don't take it personally.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -