Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Check the guest room - you may find that balloon you've been looking for!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Excellent day for putting smart phones on a china cabinet.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Is that hair growing on your Achilles tendon?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Expect a call from the Goats Auxiliary.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You might want to take a glue gun to your bottle of perfume.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your adrenal gland is going to start burbling.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones will be sufficient.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -