Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go to dinner at The City Jubilee.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You will soon begin to break off.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go out to a public park. You may discover a new passion!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will lose your present job and have to sell campaign signs door to door.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- They will greet you with a twitch tomorrow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are a person of enchantment.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Man does not live by pot roast alone.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -