Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Keep your extra cash in a salad bowl this month. Later, you'll be glad you did!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- It may already be too late.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Yes.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should take lessons in snoring.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Someone named Kaitlyn is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You are a person of everything.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are sophisticated, and this is your normal state.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Don't go playing basketball in Illinois for a while.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- A gregarious stranger wearing a dusty lavender pair of cowboy boots may begin to demean you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -