Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You could be a master of screaming.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your sanguine ways.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You would not be a good fit in the Christian Catholic Church.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a bumblebee, the tail of a burro, and the face of a chipmunk.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will soon move to a flat.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your domestic life may be unharmonious.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Try to develop an understanding of rocket science and archaeology.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A tape measure will come in handy tomorrow.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -