Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Theresa thinks you're a wimp.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Look forward to an overcast day.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Avoid glassblowing in the porch tonight.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing she tells you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may encounter a cobra in a valley.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to a butte and look for a bit of litter.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are reading this.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Beware of a confident woman wearing a pair of tights.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are usually clever. What happened today?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Whatever you try is certain to succeed.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -