Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't read everything you believe.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have no life outside social media.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will look suave wearing a brown pair of heels.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your destiny lies in North America.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- A magenta rug would look good in your garage.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your appearance today is...interesting.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may need to start taking medications for your foot.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Doubtful.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as coat hangers, cowbells, and spools of thread.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -