Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Consider heading northwest.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You have been relying on fake news.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your destiny lies in South America.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a Fiat.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Southern Bog.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You have a will that can be influenced by anyone.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Try wearing a ring tomorrow.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You are more direct than a lot of people.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will gain money by a fattening action.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might be a good fit in the Episcopal Church.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -