Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should go to Myrtle Beach.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- When was the last time you spoke to Montague?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Gloria will give you a View-Master for your birthday.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might be a good fit in the Methodist Church.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Enlist the services of a writer as soon as possible.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- An encounter with an opossum may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Put some duck a l'orange and pot roast on your plate.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Flee!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You may find what you've been looking for at a photography studio.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are difficult, but this is not your normal state.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You never belonged in the National Endowment for the Arts anyway.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -