Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Expect a call from the National Rifle Association.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may have reached your level of incompetence.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may find a cotton ball to be very important tomorrow.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Enlist the services of a maid as soon as possible.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Someone named Jessica Adams may take legal action against you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Cats think you smell funny.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Bolivia you've been dreading. Leave the Lego set at home!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Group needs you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Pay attention!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -