Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- An auto mechanic has been giving you the eye.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You could be a successful chef.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Better take a close look at your bank account.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Theresa thinks you're a clodhopper.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Be on the lookout for a race car driver carrying a duffel bag.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Who says you know what you're talking about?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will reach the lowest possible point in your business or profession.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may get bitten by an ambitious brine shrimp.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Try selling stuffed bunnies by the fortune teller shop.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -