Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- This is a good time to paint the attic camouflage.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Try selling ironing boards by the cigar store.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Try wearing a baseball cap tomorrow.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You will outgrow your few rancid rags.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You are as vacuous as a courier.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may excel at cycling.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Time to get on the road again.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Signs point to no.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have a pesky nature.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a fire truck.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Bless your heart!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -