Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Remember what happened the last time you tried that.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a rabbit, the tail of a kitten, and the face of a meerkat.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You will outgrow your usefulness.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- This is a good day to quote a mountain goat.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -