Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Be on the lookout for an evangelist carrying a calling card.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may encounter a jaguar in a marsh.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You may find a divorced person soon.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- This is not a good day to massage a parrot.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may get bitten by a petulant otter.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A soldering iron will come in handy tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will receive a package containing a handy bag of groceries.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- How do you know this message is intended for you?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Is that hair growing on your jaw?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You will inherit a small part of a plateau.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -