Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You have a tendency to be suave, but you should try to keep it in check.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You are unlikely to make a successful career out of snorkeling.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- A childish stranger wearing a rare jet black bridal gown may begin to marry you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Hugo will give you an ant farm for your birthday.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- They're coming to collect what you owe.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a dump truck.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your business will assume miniscule proportions.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a minivan.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your midlife crisis car should be a cargo van.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- An encounter with a deer may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -