Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You are a fluke of the universe; you have no business being here.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Consider heading south.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You are taking yourself far too seriously.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You should earn a degree in hotel management.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's nothing that a little artisticness wouldn't help.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a mystic.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You look so mournful when you wear a green visor.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Be bold in your daily affairs.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Dirk thinks you're acting like a parrot.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Enlist the services of an animal trainer as soon as possible.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may find inner peace natplaceprep a natplace.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -