Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You look good in a pea green shirt.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You have a will that can be influenced by no one.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are more stubborn than a lot of people.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You could be a successful social media influencer.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- A pink pool table would look good in your conservatory.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You look good in a grey tarboosh.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at The Purple Beanery.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You have no life outside social media.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Roman is going to trip you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -