Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You will attract refined and humble people to your home.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- A radio announcer has been giving you the eye.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Jim Bob thinks you're acting like a finch.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Better ease up on the pecan pie.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Presidential Empire.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You belong in the American Kennel Club.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Take your favorite person out to dinner at Fireside Cuisine.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme articulateness.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Expect a call from the National Rifle Association.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Be careful what you ask for.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -