Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- An encounter with a goldfish may cause you to veer off in a new direction.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You might find a skunk in your nursery.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Be prepared for a visit from a prisoner.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- My, my, look at you!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You may encounter a canary in a creek.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Be prepared for a visit from a hobo.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Take care of your little toe; no one else is going to do it for you!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -