Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You look good in a pink pair of handcuffs.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might try electroshock therapy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Someone named Frankie Dodds may take legal action against you.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be on the lookout for a newscaster carrying an Egyptian mummy.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If you're not careful, you could find yourself in jail for insubordination.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You should dedicate your spare time to doing origami.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Signs point to yes.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It was all so different before everything changed.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Pay hospital fees of $50.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Pay attention!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -