Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Make yourself a smoothie out of thinly sliced radishes and peanut butter.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Doubtful.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't believe what you read on the internet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You belong in the Fried chicken Lovers Society.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be on the lookout for a colorless pheasant.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will receive a letter from Tracy Emmons.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You may adjust to a married person soon.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will be reincarnated as a manatee, and you will be much happier.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Try to come up with a better excuse.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- A blue hammock would look good in your parlor.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go to a flower shop and go wild with your credit card.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- A plumber's snake will come in handy tomorrow.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -