Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You would be happier at a wax museum.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be thankful it's no worse.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Excellent day for putting necklaces on a desk.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You are a person of calamity.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You look good in a hot pink pair of shoes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will attract vile and rapacious people to your home.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you deficient in worldly ways.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -