Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You should be checked for panic attacks.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- It might be a bad idea to dust a pickle.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Don't look now, but there is a Norway rat stalking you!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may need to start taking medications for your larynx.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should study the history of Canada.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- They will greet you with a hug tomorrow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Someone named Velma is likely to call you. Find out her real motive before you agree to anything!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Create a poem or a painting expressing how you feel at this moment.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should be checked for whooping cough.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are as artistic as a baseball player.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You feel the need to fall back on your muddled ways.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -