Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- How long before you come to your senses?
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Go to dinner at Midtown Inn.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Have you considered getting a mountain goat as a companion?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Consider heading south.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Expect a call from the National Association of Therapists.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will get what you deserve.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Paint a still life of an etching and a cedar tree.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your girlfriend.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Take your time and think it over.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Do something unusual today. Flatten a fossil.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -