Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- The older you get, the more cocky you become.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will get what you deserve.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider heading east.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Enlist the services of a travel agent as soon as possible.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Bless your heart!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Now is the time to take that trip to Brazil you've been dreaming about. Leave the coin at home!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will soon move to a wigwam.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You are more like you are now than you ever were.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may get bitten by a rapacious grizzly bear.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Evelyn will give you a Magic 8-Ball for your birthday.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -