Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Put some catfish stew and tacos on your plate.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- March will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will inherit a small part of a plain.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Don't remember a primrose today.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your business will assume vast proportions.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- When was the last time you spoke to Brent?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Someone named Michaelangelo Rebensdorf may take legal action against you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Take a ride in a cargo van!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -