Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You'll get lots of extra attention if you wear an indigo bulletproof vest.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You might find a pelican in your foyer.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- April will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- The power of directness makes us radiant.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You could start a successful business selling items such as buttons, crayons, and twigs.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Next time you want to communicate with your significant other, try a serenade.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You should go home.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You have a tendency to be stubby, but you should try to keep it in check.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You should be checked for Legionnaires' disease.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may get bitten by a somber groundhog.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Go to dinner at London Buffet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Excellent day for putting fish on a bunk bed.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -