Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go to a lakeside and look for a rock.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Be on the lookout for a welder carrying an avocado.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your beautiful ways.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You never belonged in the Fraternal Order of Eels anyway.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- If your eye starts twitching, you should get crystal therapy.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If you date a psychologist, you will benefit later.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- It becomes increasingly difficult to cover up what you did.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Writing ought to be your priority for the time being.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You think today was strange...
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -