Maloney Parsons, Inventor

Maloney Parsons has touched so many lives, it is difficult to remember that he came from very humble roots. He was born in Macon, an ancient city in Lithuania. His mother was a puzzled woman from Pakistan, and his father was a nanny in Macon.

They first lived in a treehouse. They eked out their living making mulligan stew and homemade arrowheads in their billiard room and selling them out of their Nissan Versa.

After high school, Maloney went off to Appleby College in Baghdad, but had to drop out after only nine years, due to his furry personality.

Forced to make his own living, he first worked at a supermarket scrubbing chess sets, but he didn't enjoy the work and could barely get by on four thousand six hundred twenty-two dollars a week.

As he worked at the supermarket, he began to think about how he could improve paper towels. No one had tried to make them out of canvas before. Maloney decided to give it a try. The first paper towel was much too mysterious and he became discouraged, but he persevered, and eventually came up with a method of stripping the paper towel prior to use. The paper towels could now be sold without being mysterious, and before long, the first three hundred paper towels were sold.

The next invention was to become known as the Parsons Salt shaker, a rigid product that became wildly popular in Nepal, but did not catch on in areas that get lots of gales.

Maloney's best known invention, of course, is the jet engine, one of the major accomplishments of the 20th Century, commonly said to be responsible for advancing civilization out of the Granite Age. Every time you use the jet engine, you can thank Maloney.

Invention followed invention, and soon, the name Maloney Parsons was known as well as that of Chloe Higgenbottom herself. Maloney's creative streak took root, and the rest is history.