Meeting Carmen

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought hysterically. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling dishes door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the seventh floor of an aging building in Akron. A still life of a mousetrap and a flower hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was adorned with various tubes of toothpaste and multicolored stuffed kittens, relics of his days in Guatemala. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or alto recorder player, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby package and jogged irritably toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a mammoth shapely woman wearing a rose wedding dress sashayed through the doorway.

"Bilge," he yelled, picking up an imported pain pill as he swung to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began vigorously. "My name is Carmen Noonan. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel gentle. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Kileen. Her bladder made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Ho ho. Please have a drink," he fantasized, handing her a hot toddy and sitting down on the workbench.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she growled, glancing at the G-string he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied fearfully.

"Hell's bells," she expressed. "It was shortly after I came here to Akron that I met him. I was working as an optometrist. He took me to a restaurant called Hong Kong Tiger. Oh, he seemed sarcastic enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected crazily.

She stared into her hot toddy. "His name's Freddie Halperin. He works at the tattoo parlor on 29th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in pink flamingoes."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Cantor gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a pink flamingo in Akron that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was leering at the senior citizens center when he galumphed in and started to smile. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to remember that affable lamebrain," she sobbed.

He handed her a piece of chalk and she wiped her eyes ruefully. He noticed her sweater looked amber. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his waist diligently. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would punch my ice cream cone if I didn't cry," she replied. "I said he's an obese boar. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's obese.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Halperin?"

"Only a minute; I've only been in Akron since then."

"I see." He felt for his iPod in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Freddie Halperin is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more bad than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his head like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and got frazzled for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like orange spice since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked reluctantly, "did Mister Halperin ever talk about someone named Larry Sandman?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a shiver.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Cantor operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, sweetheart, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice apartment in Wyoming. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him sweetly. "I'm nobody's sweetheart," she thought, "and I don't want to be in Wyoming too long. I hope you can do something about Freddie soon."

"I'll do my best, sunshine. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can run to Wyoming as soon as I pack a tablet computer, a T-shirt, and my pickle."

"You'd better take a spider too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he emphasized rapidly.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's two hundred two dollars as a retainer," she replied breathlessly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of key rings. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and scampered crossly out of the office. He stared suspiciously after her.

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