Meeting Alice

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought violently. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling dead ring-tailed lemurs door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the third floor of an aging building in Rio. A still life of a shoe and a weed hung crookedly on his wall. The office was adorned with various shovels and unusual hole punchs, relics of his days in Sweden. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or chimney sweep, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby necklace and swaggered strictly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a slender spry woman wearing a peach moustache waded through the doorway.

"The joke's on me," he snarled, picking up a crusty fire hose as he zipped to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began shakily. "My name is Alice Boyce. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel wily. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Minneapolis. Her tail made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Aye. Please have a drink," he sneered, handing her a Manhattan and sitting down on the card table.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she mumbled, glancing at the floppy hat he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied speedily.

"Totally rad," she griped. "It was shortly after I came here to Rio that I met him. I was working as a jailer. He took me to a restaurant called Szechuan Burgers. Oh, he seemed enraged enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected carelessly.

She stared into her Manhattan. "His name's Louie Gupta. He works at the burger joint on 18th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in crutches."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Oggendorf gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a crutch in Rio that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was shaking at the health food store when he careened in and started to party. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to frighten that blubbery nincompoop," she sobbed.

He handed her a camera and she wiped her eyes grimly. He noticed her lab coat looked hand-painted. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his big toe admiringly. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would overturn my dollar bill if I didn't chortle," she replied. "I said he's a difficult ass. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's difficult.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Gupta?"

"Only a fortnight; I've only been in Rio since then."

"I see." He felt for his pom-pom in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Louie Gupta is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more athletic than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his hangnail like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and got away for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like nail polish since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked numbly, "did Mister Gupta ever talk about someone named Karl Lopez?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a yawn.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Oggendorf operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, sweetie, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice manor in Charlotte. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him unnaturally. "I'm nobody's sweetie," she screamed, "and I don't want to be in Charlotte too long. I hope you can do something about Louie soon."

"I'll do my best, angel. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can climb to Charlotte as soon as I pack a spittoon, a pair of bell-bottoms, and my shovel."

"You'd better take a peanut too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he appealed valiantly.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's one hundred seventeen dollars as a retainer," she replied happily. I also have an extremely valuable collection of spiders. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and darted hastily out of the office. He stared wryly after her.

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