Meeting Juanita

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought quickly. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling tubes of toothpaste door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the seventh floor of an aging building in Springfield. A still life of a rock and a dead tree hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was cluttered with various pairs of knickers and brightly-colored lollipops, relics of his days in Venezuela. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or football player, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby Big Gulp and rolled thoughtfully toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a potbellied chubby woman wearing a chartreuse flak jacket dashed through the doorway.

"Really," he cackled, picking up a modern microscope as he stalked to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began gracefully. "My name is Juanita Poole. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel loving. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Cambridge. Her pituitary gland made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Gads. Please have a drink," he brought up, handing her a daiquiri and sitting down on the nightstand.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she stormed, glancing at the beret he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied calmly.

"Geez Louise," she wondered. "It was shortly after I came here to Springfield that I met him. I was working as a diplomat. He took me to a restaurant called Cindy's Sea. Oh, he seemed bold enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected automatically.

She stared into her daiquiri. "His name's Flash McBride. He works at the art museum on 28th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in candles."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the McCray gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a candle in Springfield that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was fulminating at the tattoo parlor when he jogged in and started to belch. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to giggle at that calm simpleton," she sobbed.

He handed her an ice cream cone and she wiped her eyes unabashedly. He noticed her necktie looked miniature. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his aorta firmly. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would jump on my balloon if I didn't moan," she replied. "I said he's an excitable alligator. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's excitable.'"

"How long have you known Mr. McBride?"

"Only an eternity; I've only been in Springfield since then."

"I see." He felt for his defibrillator in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Flash McBride is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more charming than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his palm like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and swooned for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like soap since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked unnaturally, "did Mister McBride ever talk about someone named Buddy Bibbles?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a wrinkled nose.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the McCray operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, baby-cakes, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice geodesic dome in São Paulo. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him effortlessly. "I'm nobody's baby-cakes," she intoned, "and I don't want to be in São Paulo too long. I hope you can do something about Flash soon."

"I'll do my best, teddy bear. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can leap to São Paulo as soon as I pack a pair of pliers, a bikini, and my comic book."

"You'd better take an avocado too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he barked pityingly.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's four hundred ninety-nine dollars as a retainer," she replied gleefully. I also have an extremely valuable collection of pepper grinders. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and barrelled rapidly out of the office. He stared furiously after her.

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