Meeting Penny

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought swiftly. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling batons door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the fifth floor of an aging building in Cambodia. A still life of a toilet seat and a mulberry tree hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was adorned with various peace pipes and heavy model airplanes, relics of his days in Mongolia. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or fashion designer, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby cigarette and sprinted brashly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a haggard bedraggled woman wearing a brilliant orange Speedo reeled through the doorway.

"Darn," he prattled, picking up a luxurious bag of ice as he dashed to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began trustingly. "My name is Penny Tucker. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel choleric. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Grand Prairie. Her knuckle made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Thpft. Please have a drink," he clarified, handing her a Cuba libre and sitting down on the toilet.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she rambled, glancing at the winter coat he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied brashly.

"The joke's on you," she blustered. "It was shortly after I came here to Cambodia that I met him. I was working as a football coach. He took me to a restaurant called the Lucky Serpent. Oh, he seemed princely enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected suavely.

She stared into her Cuba libre. "His name's Parson Crabtree. He works at the video arcade on 20th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in magnifying glasses."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Major gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a magnifying glass in Cambodia that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was smiling at the ski slope when he strolled in and started to stretch. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to grill that idiotic ignoramous," she sobbed.

He handed her a can of soup and she wiped her eyes tearfully. He noticed her toupee looked bent. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his cheek suavely. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would face my bat if I didn't faint," she replied. "I said he's a blubbery ox. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's blubbery.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Crabtree?"

"Only a second; I've only been in Cambodia since then."

"I see." He felt for his silver bullet in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Parson Crabtree is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more sloppy than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his femur like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and clattered for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like sea mist since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked dolorously, "did Mister Crabtree ever talk about someone named JD Covington?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a snarl.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Major operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, dear heart, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice quonset hut in Monaco. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him flightily. "I'm nobody's dear heart," she analyzed, "and I don't want to be in Monaco too long. I hope you can do something about Parson soon."

"I'll do my best, little blossom. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can galumph to Monaco as soon as I pack a tambourine, a pair of knickerbockers, and my cracker."

"You'd better take a chain too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he warbled nervously.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's two hundred twenty-two dollars as a retainer," she replied stupidly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of iPads. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and stormed nonchalantly out of the office. He stared lovingly after her.

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