Meeting Tina

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought solemnly. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling mirrors door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the third floor of an aging building in Malta. A still life of a lemon and a dead fish hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was cluttered with various pairs of binoculars and nifty notepads, relics of his days in New Guinea. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or folk singer, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby pair of scissors and bounced brashly toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a slight eye-catching woman wearing a green floppy hat inched through the doorway.

"Geez Louise," he shrieked, picking up an ancient piece of paper as he skittered to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began madly. "My name is Tina Woolsey. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel menacing. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Glasgow. Her belly button made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "The joke's on me. Please have a drink," he agreed, handing her a painkiller and sitting down on the pillow.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she yammered, glancing at the polo shirt he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied hopefully.

"Hallelujah," she complained. "It was shortly after I came here to Malta that I met him. I was working as a guitarist. He took me to a restaurant called the Bronze House of Sushi. Oh, he seemed tense enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected patiently.

She stared into her painkiller. "His name's Jason DeGraff. He works at the barbershop on 35th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in oriental vases."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Kaiser gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not an oriental vase in Malta that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was dealing cards at the bookstore when he swung in and started to look smart. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to make a face at that friendly lunatic," she sobbed.

He handed her a can of beans and she wiped her eyes languidly. He noticed her business suit looked funny. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his skull shyly. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would shellac my saddle if I didn't apologize," she replied. "I said he's a moronic boar. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's moronic.'"

"How long have you known Mr. DeGraff?"

"Only an eternity; I've only been in Malta since then."

"I see." He felt for his brick in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Jason DeGraff is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more angry than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his hangnail like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and chewed for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like greasepaint since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked lazily, "did Mister DeGraff ever talk about someone named Jughead Caldwell?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a clenched fist.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Kaiser operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, heartthrob, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice ranch house in Cape Verde. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him boisterously. "I'm nobody's heartthrob," she bawled, "and I don't want to be in Cape Verde too long. I hope you can do something about Jason soon."

"I'll do my best, patootie. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can lope to Cape Verde as soon as I pack a trash can, a beret, and my pom-pom."

"You'd better take a fossil too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he declaimed deftly.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's one hundred thirty-six dollars as a retainer," she replied kindly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of balls. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and reeled furiously out of the office. He stared lightly after her.

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