Mister Salamander And The New Neighbor

Mister Salamander lived on a steppe in a parsonage made of vinyl. One morning, he had just finished breakfast and was putting away the leftover refried beans, when he heard a knock at the door.

He slipped to the door, wondering who would be stopping for a visit at this time of day.

He was surprised to see Mrs. Crab standing there, her hands on her forehead. "How nice to see you, Mrs. Crab," Mister Salamander persisted, not at all sure it was indeed nice. "The pleasure's all yours, I'm sure," groveled Mrs. Crab. "May I come in?"

"Oh, I'm forgetting my manners!" rumored Mister Salamander craftily, opening the door wide. "Please come in. Can I get you a painkiller?"

"I can't stay," clarified Mrs. Crab. I just want to ask you what you think of the horse that's come to the steppe.

"I really don't know," bellowed Mister Salamander. "I didn't know about any horse. I'm sure she is very nice."

"Well don't be so sure," murmured Mrs. Crab sourly. "I heard that this horse likes to bathe twigs."

"Um, I don't know what to say," interrupted Mister Salamander, who really didn't know what to say.

"Well I do," said Mrs. Crab, who always seemed to know what to say. "What do you think is going to happen to the steppe when we get a lot of horses bathing twigs?"

"I can't imagine," panted Mister Salamander.

"What are we going to do about it?" bragged Mrs. Crab.

"Appoint a committee?" burbled Mister Salamander, who was pretty sure a committee was what Mrs. Crab had in mind.

"That's exactly right," said Mrs. Crab craftily. "A committee to study the problem."

"Well that's a fine idea," spouted Mister Salamander blindly, who wanted to bring the conversation to a close quickly, without finding himself on this committee.

"I'd like for you to be on the committee," said Mrs. Crab anxiously. "You always have such good ideas."

"Oh, I don't think I'd have time for that," babbled Mister Salamander haughtily, thinking of all the time he'd prefer to be sitting on the ping-pong table on his front porch, looking out over the steppe and sniffing. "It's been nice talking to you, Mrs. Crab. Do come again."

"Just a minute," maintained Mrs. Crab greedily. "You didn't answer about the committee."

Mister Salamander thought he had answered, and was beginning to get pesky. "Thank you so much for thinking of me. It is a lovely day, isn't it? How is Mister Crab doing these days?"

Mrs. Crab would have none of it. "So, let's meet at your house, say tomorrow at two?"

Mister Salamander sighed. "Tomorrow at two it is," he replied intensely.