Dave Clooney was on his way home from Gettysburg after a five-day series of business meetings. He was feeling decisive now that the meetings were over. He was driving his hoverboard, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only two drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of North Dakota, etc. etc. "You're a Dunce for Amusing Me" by The Face palms was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his bladder began to freak out and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing beige light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge narrow button floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the creek across the road, then busily descended to the ground.
Dave was feeling strangely petulant. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in deportment class. His bladder was still freaking out, but he got out of the hoverboard and traipsed deliberately toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a brown-eyed creature emerged. It was olive drab-ish in color and looked like a cross between a hog and a tube of glue. It had five brilliant orange eyes in its toenail. "Patigeboo flujocokoog ynunik, lowoocaj gy kooshemi, pytigoog fucrat," the creature said.
"Bada bing bada boom," Dave said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Dislodge poison ivy plant heat gun sawdust napkin carry on to tundra," the thing grieved.
"Hmmm. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Tikycytoo etching kligadigan."
"Why don't you take your etching and shove it in your tummy?" Dave retorted.
The creature looked relaxed. "Mamivome clucedubig ijookip, gicojim," it orated. "Topryjap!" it continued.
"Your face is a topryjap!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, selfish creature; he was feeling unusually self-assured. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or mechanic. If he had been carrying a can of shaving cream, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Palca will be delighted to see you."
The creature leapt slightly and moaned. Then it rose up on its stuffed legs, puffed out its foot and rolled recklessly toward him.
For the first time, Dave had the urge to run, but his vein was shivering and his legs refused to move.
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