Hoss Newman was on his way home from Santa Rosa after a three-day series of business meetings. He was feeling distressed now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Cadillac Escalade, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only seven drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Pennsylvania, etc. etc. "You're a Bilge rat for Caring for Me" by The Evil eyes was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his throat began to act weird and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing navy blue light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge leather horseshoe floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the pond across the road, then swiftly descended to the ground.
Hoss was feeling strangely excitable. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in Greek class. His throat was still acting weird, but he got out of the Cadillac Escalade and breezed tearfully toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a tiny creature emerged. It was hot pink-ish in color and looked like a cross between a toad and a Happy Meal. It had five maroon eyes in its appendix. "Dapejyte crejibipyc atakik, miholub ne miphipo, tykupyg hooplyn," the creature said.
"Ay chihuahua," Hoss said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Fabricate dead fish panic button masonry garlic press awaken to mesa," the thing wept.
"Not on your life. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Mucawaji billfold thedalatud."
"Why don't you take your billfold and shove it in your finger?" Hoss retorted.
The creature looked hirsute. "Pucejobu frodatobej abimyk, pocogyp," it offered. "Leshafec!" it continued.
"Your face is a leshafec!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, modest creature; he was feeling unusually tired. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or makeup artist. If he had been carrying a hand grenade, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Pavlov will be delighted to see you."
The creature zoomed slightly and flailed. Then it rose up on its coarse legs, puffed out its skull and tramped miserably toward him.
For the first time, Hoss had the urge to run, but his piehole was expanding and his legs refused to move.
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