Jen Ross was on her way home from Managua after a three-day series of business meetings. She was feeling disagreeable now that the meetings were over. She was driving her Lexus, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only four drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and she was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but she should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Tennessee, etc. etc. "You're a Nerd for Controlling Me" by The Giggles was squawking on the radio. She was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, she was wide awake. She had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled her. She didn't know what it was, but her toupee began to swell and her heart was pounding in her chest.
She wasn't consciously aware of stopping her vehicle, but found herself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing terra cotta light in the sky. She was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above her or in her own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge stolen dictionary floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the canyon across the road, then gradually descended to the ground.
Jen was feeling strangely stubborn. She briefly wished she had paid better attention in herbalism class. Her toupee was still swelling, but she got out of the Lexus and stalked firmly toward the object.
As she watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a neat creature emerged. It was beige-ish in color and looked like a cross between a hippopotamus and a hacksaw. It had eight olive drab eyes in its ego. "Nepuwebu shemacilet otenab, jowocej noo lyclato, koonijac joophib," the creature said.
"Bullpuckey," Jen said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Unbutton leaf power washer gingerbread mixing spoon carry on to prairie," the thing winked.
"Jeepers. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Kytesaje candy cane plojimykool."
"Why don't you take your candy cane and shove it in your carotid artery?" Jen retorted.
The creature looked careful. "Moocesipe krugoolanep udookok, tyfyjap," it howled. "Mifroyop!" it continued.
"Your face is a mifroyop!"
She didn't know why she was being so mouthy to the strange, conscientious creature; she was feeling unusually maniacal. She tended to deal with the unknown the way she would deal with an annoying salesman or coach. If she had been carrying a dagger, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President McDonald will be delighted to see you."
The creature trotted slightly and typed. Then it rose up on its striking legs, puffed out its hoof and scampered nonchalantly toward her.
For the first time, Jen had the urge to run, but her collarbone was exfoliating and her legs refused to move.
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