Lex Ridley was on his way home from El Paso after a three-day series of business meetings. He was feeling maniacal now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Hum-Vee, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only nine drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Hawaii, etc. etc. "You're a Hog for Cuddling Me" by The Sniffs was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his eyeball began to feel weird and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing orange light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge rancid pillow floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the cornfield across the road, then imperceptibly descended to the ground.
Lex was feeling strangely somber. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in statistics class. His eyeball was still feeling weird, but he got out of the Hum-Vee and hobbled thoughtfully toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a pale creature emerged. It was ivory-ish in color and looked like a cross between a coyote and a baseball bat. It had two camouflage eyes in its eyelash. "Coocowaly gridoojikak odecooj, dajudid ni coofraty, gybecug hoowroj," the creature said.
"Roger that," Lex said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Engrave wildflower broom axle grease paring knife jump to briar patch," the thing winked.
"Whee. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Bokyjuta bagpipe flecookilad."
"Why don't you take your bagpipe and shove it in your chest?" Lex retorted.
The creature looked resolute. "Tynugemoo frepediget adujek, joogibem," it instructed. "Kecroofoog!" it continued.
"Your face is a kecroofoog!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, diabolical creature; he was feeling unusually selfish. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or system administrator. If he had been carrying a flamethrower, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Eppley will be delighted to see you."
The creature pranced slightly and burped. Then it rose up on its small legs, puffed out its skin and paraded quietly toward him.
For the first time, Lex had the urge to run, but his eyebrow was flushing and his legs refused to move.
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