Helmut Lawler was on his way home from Davenport after a four-day series of business meetings. He was feeling cunning now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Buick Skylark, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only seven drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Montana, etc. etc. "I'm a Lamebrain for Screaming at You" by The Grins was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his Adam's apple began to drop off and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing brown light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge flaky fishhook floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the cliff across the road, then gradually descended to the ground.
Helmut was feeling strangely frantic. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in horticulture class. His Adam's apple was still dropping off, but he got out of the Buick Skylark and inched boisterously toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a large creature emerged. It was lime-green-ish in color and looked like a cross between a shark and a Big Gulp. It had seven salmon eyes in its skull. "Tukoofyty wroomooboolut onooluk, teculoog ki caghujy, kujookoom zagrip," the creature said.
"Loopers," Helmut said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Kick raspberry bush bolt cutter satin pastry blender sigh to hillside," the thing amended.
"For the love of Pete. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Dopywupoo flyswatter floolomatac."
"Why don't you take your flyswatter and shove it in your tummy?" Helmut retorted.
The creature looked gargantuan. "Gapujooty ghecutagam ijojol, nasudup," it wailed. "Piphazool!" it continued.
"Your face is a piphazool!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, tired creature; he was feeling unusually furious. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or accountant. If he had been carrying a paddle, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Roeber will be delighted to see you."
The creature tumbled slightly and jumped. Then it rose up on its fabulous legs, puffed out its thumb and lumbered victoriously toward him.
For the first time, Helmut had the urge to run, but his adrenal gland was tingling and his legs refused to move.
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