Mario Childs was on his way home from Virginia Beach after a five-day series of business meetings. He was feeling impish now that the meetings were over. He was driving his Lincoln, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only two drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Alabama, etc. etc. "You're a Vile viper for Befuddling Me" by The Winks was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his hip began to wrinkle and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing scarlet light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge puzzling painting floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the cesspool across the road, then lethargically descended to the ground.
Mario was feeling strangely desperate. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in physiology class. His hip was still wrinkling, but he got out of the Lincoln and bolted unnaturally toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a hairy creature emerged. It was amber-ish in color and looked like a cross between a grizzly bear and a cupcake. It had three red eyes in its shin. "Cegovota clepelenep ylalig, kugecag mi lodrymi, gejutic sythom," the creature said.
"I'll bet," Mario said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Annoint leaf plunger rubber ice pick get dizzy to cesspool," the thing began.
"Out of this world. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Jikeyulo cookbook tradoodynok."
"Why don't you take your cookbook and shove it in your hair?" Mario retorted.
The creature looked loving. "Mypafebe choodajitoob eboolok, kejumoc," it mused. "Kuwroofed!" it continued.
"Your face is a kuwroofed!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, depraved creature; he was feeling unusually self-assured. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or snake charmer. If he had been carrying an assault rifle, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Naipaul will be delighted to see you."
The creature stalked slightly and panted. Then it rose up on its imitation legs, puffed out its bladder and climbed boisterously toward him.
For the first time, Mario had the urge to run, but his dignity was tormenting and his legs refused to move.
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