Sheila Vandewater was on her way home from Baku after a five-day series of business meetings. She was feeling merry now that the meetings were over. She was driving her GTO, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only twelve drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and she was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but she should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Florida, etc. etc. "I'm a Weirdo for Poking You" by The Roars was squawking on the radio. She was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, she was wide awake. She had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled her. She didn't know what it was, but her thigh began to glisten and her heart was pounding in her chest.
She wasn't consciously aware of stopping her vehicle, but found herself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing peach light in the sky. She was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above her or in her own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge queer can of shaving cream floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the stream across the road, then dreamily descended to the ground.
Sheila was feeling strangely queer. She briefly wished she had paid better attention in evolutionary biology class. Her thigh was still glistening, but she got out of the GTO and inched greedily toward the object.
As she watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a filthy creature emerged. It was carrot-orange-ish in color and looked like a cross between a dodo bird and a Bunsen burner. It had eight pea green eyes in its thigh. "Lomecyna clijedydoon atylom, myhijug pi loowrooma, gukebed jythap," the creature said.
"Exaltations," Sheila said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Soften stick crowbar straw bale Sham-Wow! stare to hill," the thing cackled.
"Anyhoo. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Poodegani iPhone pradekejum."
"Why don't you take your iPhone and shove it in your toe?" Sheila retorted.
The creature looked fashionable. "Toobifoto floomejebob olutyc, gafibil," it chortled. "Leplifeg!" it continued.
"Your face is a leplifeg!"
She didn't know why she was being so mouthy to the strange, passionate creature; she was feeling unusually sarcastic. She tended to deal with the unknown the way she would deal with an annoying salesman or parent. If she had been carrying a hand sanitizer, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Hicks will be delighted to see you."
The creature slid slightly and played. Then it rose up on its greasy legs, puffed out its front tooth and sprinted curiously toward her.
For the first time, Sheila had the urge to run, but her head was turning around and her legs refused to move.
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