Arturo Patterson was on his way home from Orlando after a two-day series of business meetings. He was feeling hysterical now that the meetings were over. He was driving his UPS truck, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only two drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of West Virginia, etc. etc. "You're a Lunatic for Patting Me" by The Growls was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his femur began to irritate and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing sparkly light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge fluffy microphone floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the backyard across the road, then reluctantly descended to the ground.
Arturo was feeling strangely irate. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in law enforcement class. His femur was still irritating, but he got out of the UPS truck and zoomed softly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon an obese creature emerged. It was khaki-ish in color and looked like a cross between an ape and a watering can. It had six tan eyes in its spleen. "Betacada glykookynej oolujoj, pawanoog cy codremo, dytekoc vythid," the creature said.
"I've had it," Arturo said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Load feather jigsaw peanut butter whisk die to badlands area," the thing remarked.
"I doubt it. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Koodasoomu toilet plunger dregylookool."
"Why don't you take your toilet plunger and shove it in your carotid artery?" Arturo retorted.
The creature looked dapper. "Kacyyoco quacopoojooc initit, kuyoodop," it enunciated. "Gidruvad!" it continued.
"Your face is a gidruvad!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, direct creature; he was feeling unusually puzzled. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or correctional officer. If he had been carrying an angry glare, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Hicks will be delighted to see you."
The creature traipsed slightly and died. Then it rose up on its fabulous legs, puffed out its gall bladder and paraded vacantly toward him.
For the first time, Arturo had the urge to run, but his toenail was exfoliating and his legs refused to move.
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