Chad Quill was on his way home from Medellin after a four-day series of business meetings. He was feeling peculiar now that the meetings were over. He was driving his UFO, and was starting to get a bit drowsy, in spite of having had only eight drinks with dinner. The drone of the engine and tires was taking its toll, and he was having that familiar internal discussion about just having an hour more of driving, but he should really stop and rest, but it's not really safe to stop alongside the road in this remote part of Nebraska, etc. etc. "You're a Whippersnapper for Patting Me" by The Stiff upper lips was squawking on the radio. He was too tired to search for something better.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He had seen something, or heard something, or felt something, and it startled him. He didn't know what it was, but his waist began to warp and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He wasn't consciously aware of stopping his vehicle, but found himself parked on the shoulder of the road, staring at a bright pulsing purple light in the sky. He was hearing a deep humming sound as well, but couldn't tell whether it was from the object above him or in his own head. The radio for some reason was silent. The light grew larger as it approached, and it began to take on a shape, sort of like a huge coarse ice cream cone floating in the air. It hovered for a while over the grassland across the road, then diligently descended to the ground.
Chad was feeling strangely amiable. He briefly wished he had paid better attention in songwriting class. His waist was still warping, but he got out of the UFO and tiptoed arrogantly toward the object.
As he watched, an opening appeared in the side of the ship, and soon a demonic creature emerged. It was orange-ish in color and looked like a cross between a donkey and a doily. It had eight golden eyes in its kneecap. "Moogyhegy brutulycop adekid, mifupep po jaqueci, lunoduj vikrad," the creature said.
"Help," Chad said. "Care to repeat that in English?"
"Crack fern pair of pliers paper clip candy thermometer nod to island," the thing bellowed.
"Just a minute. You can go back to your native language now. While you're at it, maybe you should go back to your native planet."
"Cogoojady chamber pot frilogoobeg."
"Why don't you take your chamber pot and shove it in your pancreas?" Chad retorted.
The creature looked hairy. "Poojafopa fralycopab igecoc, kozimok," it cackled. "Pywrewoj!" it continued.
"Your face is a pywrewoj!"
He didn't know why he was being so mouthy to the strange, enraged creature; he was feeling unusually dumb. He tended to deal with the unknown the way he would deal with an annoying salesman or secretary. If he had been carrying an air freshener, the conversation might have taken a very different turn.
"So, what are you here for? I suppose you want me to take you to my leader. I'm sure President Rinfield will be delighted to see you."
The creature ran slightly and squeaked. Then it rose up on its crude legs, puffed out its hairdo and capered offhandedly toward him.
For the first time, Chad had the urge to run, but his belly was decaying and his legs refused to move.
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