Ichabod

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his earlobe also hurt. Soon, he added his jaw and his eyeball to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a sketchy woman, or was it a man who was sketchy? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He obediently squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the sea green walls or the can of beans or the stairway. He closed his eye and moaned languidly.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a good looking man carrying a disinfectant walk into the room. The man laid the disinfectant on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Excuse me, looks like Mister Imbecile is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Fie, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Ichabod.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to get sleepy. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Ahem, your questions always come in pairs?" Ichabod walked to the refrigerator and got a Sangría. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied furiously, feeling a bit more depraved.

"Well, it wasn't the Fifth Pomona Synagogue that sent you here," Ichabod replied sourly.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the disinfectant on the table next to Ichabod.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Ichabod who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a stairway in the room. There was an artificial flower on the stairway.

"If you're thinking about picking up that artificial flower, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Ichabod quavered quickly.

He wasn't thinking about taking the artificial flower at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then slumped back to the bed and sat down. His hip was beginning to rot.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Ichabod. He laughed out loud, then informed "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a duck-billed platypus back there in the pizza joint." Ichabod rapped his fingers on the table beside the disinfectant.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a paintbrush. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Jimmy Sahoo," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a gargantuan guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be swaggering on. Nice talking to you, Ichabod."

Although his hip was still rotting, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the disinfectant. Ichabod stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly queer manner. Ignoring Ichabod's sober leer, he dolorously reeled out of the room.

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