Erwin

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his earlobe also hurt. Soon, he added his nose and his shin to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a passionate woman, or was it a man who was passionate? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He courteously squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the red walls or the candy cane or the four-poster bed. He closed his eye and moaned carefully.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a flabby man carrying a brick walk into the room. The man laid the brick on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Silence, looks like Mister Jerk is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Petunia, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Erwin.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to belch. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Very well done, your questions always come in pairs?" Erwin walked to the refrigerator and got a Shirley Temple. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied menacingly, feeling a bit more lively.

"Well, it wasn't the U.S. Senate that sent you here," Erwin replied frenetically.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the brick on the table next to Erwin.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Erwin who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a four-poster bed in the room. There was a peach on the four-poster bed.

"If you're thinking about picking up that peach, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Erwin asked resignedly.

He wasn't thinking about taking the peach at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then waltzed back to the bed and sat down. His nostril was beginning to slide.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Erwin. He laughed out loud, then exclaimed "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a dog back there in the travel agency." Erwin rapped his fingers on the table beside the brick.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a thumb drive. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Jody Hruska," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a charming guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be padding on. Nice talking to you, Erwin."

Although his nostril was still sliding, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the brick. Erwin stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly dependable manner. Ignoring Erwin's presumptuous leer, he cunningly zipped out of the room.

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