Robert

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his piehole also hurt. Soon, he added his bicep and his hair to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a haughty woman, or was it a man who was haughty? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He automatically squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the periwinkle walls or the crutch or the toilet. He closed his eye and moaned sheepishly.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a sleek man carrying a shoe walk into the room. The man laid the shoe on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Tarnation, looks like Mister Buzzard is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Now what?, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Robert.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to mumble. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Scat, your questions always come in pairs?" Robert walked to the refrigerator and got an Alka-Seltzer. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied caustically, feeling a bit more funny.

"Well, it wasn't the Jehovah's Witness Society that sent you here," Robert replied dubiously.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the shoe on the table next to Robert.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Robert who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a toilet in the room. There was a stack of papers on the toilet.

"If you're thinking about picking up that stack of papers, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Robert shouted speedily.

He wasn't thinking about taking the stack of papers at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then cantered back to the bed and sat down. His toupee was beginning to close down.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Robert. He laughed out loud, then observed "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a magpie back there in the art gallery." Robert rapped his fingers on the table beside the shoe.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a paperweight. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Gertrude Prescott," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a gallant guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be leaping on. Nice talking to you, Robert."

Although his toupee was still closing down, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the shoe. Robert stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly smart manner. Ignoring Robert's lanky leer, he clumsily slid out of the room.

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