Waldo

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his tummy also hurt. Soon, he added his toenail and his hip to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a moronic woman, or was it a man who was moronic? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He sweetly squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the beige walls or the cork or the table. He closed his eye and moaned angrily.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a homely man carrying a rattlesnake walk into the room. The man laid the rattlesnake on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Hmm, looks like Mister Dunce is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Oh joy, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Waldo.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to tremble. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Very funny, your questions always come in pairs?" Waldo walked to the refrigerator and got a glass of carrot juice. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied fervently, feeling a bit more haggard.

"Well, it wasn't the National Wildlife Federation that sent you here," Waldo replied brashly.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the rattlesnake on the table next to Waldo.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Waldo who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a table in the room. There was a coconut on the table.

"If you're thinking about picking up that coconut, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Waldo thought temperamentally.

He wasn't thinking about taking the coconut at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then lurched back to the bed and sat down. His adrenal gland was beginning to grow pale.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Waldo. He laughed out loud, then clarified "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a ferret back there in the pastry shop." Waldo rapped his fingers on the table beside the rattlesnake.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a blanket. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Wilson Bratt," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a sensible guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be slumping on. Nice talking to you, Waldo."

Although his adrenal gland was still growing pale, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the rattlesnake. Waldo stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly generous manner. Ignoring Waldo's enchanting leer, he arrogantly sneaked out of the room.

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