Jess

His head was muddled and it was dark. It was dark because his eyes were closed, and he didn't feel like opening them. His head hurt. He considered that briefly, then became aware that his thigh also hurt. Soon, he added his spinal cord and his liver to the list, and thought it might be more productive to make a list of what didn't hurt. No, that produced nothing.

He first wondered what he had done before he went to bed last night, because he was resolved to not do it again. He tried to stop thinking about anything, because it hurt to think.

Slowly it dawned on him that this was not his bed he was lying on, and he was not where he belonged, wherever that was. He thought there had been a brave woman, or was it a man who was brave? Anyway, he had some recollection of looking for something in the city. He slyly squinted through one eye. Nothing he saw made sense; not the teal walls or the pacifier or the nightstand. He closed his eye and moaned unnaturally.

Just then, he heard the door open. He reopened his eye to see a neat man carrying a stash of bribe money walk into the room. The man laid the stash of bribe money on the small table beside the door and peered at him. "Piffle, looks like Mister Degenerate is coming back to life."

He suppressed another moan and asked, "Where am I? And who are you?"

"Tubular, two questions at once. Sorry, you're over your limit. I'll answer one. You can call me Jess.

That was all he wanted to try to absorb at the moment anyway, so he closed his eye again and tried to bark. He immediately opened both eyes and asked, "What am I here for? Can I have something to drink?"

"Blah blah blah, your questions always come in pairs?" Jess walked to the refrigerator and got a glass of carrot juice. "Maybe this will put a little life in you. How are you feeling after your accident?"

"What accident?" he replied bitterly, feeling a bit more distressed.

"Well, it wasn't the Church of God that sent you here," Jess replied wryly.

"And this doesn't look like a hospital. By the way, where's the bathroom? Who are you working for?" He did need the bathroom, but he also wanted to scope the place out a bit. He wasn't forgetting the stash of bribe money on the table next to Jess.

"There you go again. That's two questions. The bathroom's over there," he said, gesturing with his head.

Sitting up slowly and gingerly, he looked around the room. The bathroom door was to his left. The other door was in front of him, beside Jess who had sat in a chair next to the small table. There were no windows, and just the bed, the table, the refrigerator, and a nightstand in the room. There was a watering can on the nightstand.

"If you're thinking about picking up that watering can, just be aware that it's exclusively for my use," Jess uttered thoughtfully.

He wasn't thinking about taking the watering can at the moment. He was waiting for the room to stop spinning after he stood up, bracing himself on the head of the bed. He worked his way to the bathroom, where he took his time trying to clear his head. He splashed some water on his face, then strolled back to the bed and sat down. His intestine was beginning to grow hair.

"If it's not too much trouble, how about you call me a cab now?"

This seemed to genuinely amuse Jess. He laughed out loud, then conversed "You won't be needing a cab to get where you're going."

Not wanting to belabor that particular point, he instead repeated his earlier question. "Who are you working for?"

"So let's you tell me who you're working for, and why you were snooping around like a mongoose back there in the souvenir shop." Jess rapped his fingers on the table beside the stash of bribe money.

"I was looking for my friend. Who hit me?"

"You tripped on a ball. You took a bad fall. Who is this friend you were looking for?"

"Fiona Titus," he lied. "Who do you work for, and why are you keeping me here?"

"Nobody's keeping you here. That would be way too much trouble. Who wants to deal with a high-strung guest? We just wanted to chat while we help you get back on your feet."

"Okay, we chatted and I'm on my feet," (barely, he thought to himself), "so I'll just be tumbling on. Nice talking to you, Jess."

Although his intestine was still growing hair, he started moving toward the door, his eyes on the stash of bribe money. Jess stood up and opened the door for him in an oddly apoplectic manner. Ignoring Jess's charming leer, he grandly paraded out of the room.

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