The Tattler

Student Enrolled in Anger Management

Ithaca, New York

The stress of returning to normal life after being enrolled in Honors Chemistry at Cornell University apparently is too much for some students. Due to her erratic behavior, sophomore Sallie Dietrich was required to report to the post-chemistry symposium, and was startled when she was handed cleats, heavy-duty canvas shorts, and a padded helmet. It was not long, however, before she had joined in the group's rallying cry, "Let's go hit some b*****s!!" and found she quickly had forgotten all about chemistry.

Dietrich was so impressed with the efficacy of the program that she took on the role of Resident Advisor, and is now assigning overstressed freshmen to the program, also known as "rugby."

Woman Engages in Double-Study

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Wanda Dietrich, indexer of an endless stream of educational books and connoisseur of public transportation, journeyed to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to assess the City of Brotherly Love's train transport and commiserate with other indexers about the arcane minutiae found in the concluding pages of scholarly tomes that most people never look at.

Dietrich reports that the SEPTA leaves directly from the airport to a stop downtown a few blocks away from a wonderful tea shop and incidentally, her hotel. Dietrich declared the trip a success, noting that she learned some new methods of alphabetization and that Philadelphia has some viable options for getting around.

Chance Precipitation

Omaha, Nebraska

Sports fans Larry and Wanda Dietrich experienced in their unique way an Omaha Royals baseball game. They did not see a single pitch, but did have the opportunity to watch the grounds crew roll the tarp out over the infield during a driving rainstorm.

Chance Precipitation

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

History buff Wanda Dietrich experienced in her unique way a walking history tour of Philadelphia. After walking for a matter of seconds, a driving rainstorm made the inside of one of Philadelphia's not-so-historic pubs suddenly much more interesting.

Chance Precipitation

Seattle, Washington

Desert-raised Elizabeth Dietrich decided to make up for the lack of water in her early childhood by moving to Seattle, Washington just in time for historic flooding in the city.

Is It Study?

Montreal, New York City, New England

Jetsetter Sallie Dietrich and companions have been spotted in numerous North American cities during the past several months. It is suspected by the Tattler that their peregrination has less to do with their interest in geography, history, and architecture than it does with meeting certain people, including an Academy-Award-winning actress, multiple Ivy-League athletes, and some young French gentlemen. A spokesperson for Dietrich insisted that the trips were "purely scholastic."

Happy Holidays!

Tattler, Travel Edition

In your hands once again, you hold the piece of mail that you have been anticipating, if not dreading, for nearly a year. Yes, you failed to block the mail; you failed to destroy it before you opened it, and alas, your morbid curiosity has overcome your better judgment and you are again reading the annual rag.

The staff of The Tattler, always in pursuit of all possible scandal, muck, and embarrassment pertaining to the ever-accommodating Dietrich family, have this year been required to chase the shameless subjects around the country; either they have been fleeing their legacy in Lincoln, or are moved to push their antics out in an ever-widening swath. We are therefore pleased to present the 2007 Tattler, Travel Edition!

Department of Arcane Studies

Seattle, Washington

Elizabeth Dietrich is now pursuing an advanced degree at the University of Washington in the study of Very Small Things. Her perennial fiancé, Stephen Crimmins, is studying Very Old Things at the same school. The Tattler has located the two of them and their intensely shy cat, Small, living at a moderately sized modern apartment in Seattle.

Man Learns Geek Language & Customs

Orlando, Florida

Geek Larry Dietrich was sent by his employer, LI-COR Biosciences, to a huge convention center in Orlando, Florida, to spend a week being further geekified under the auspices of a large software firm that we shall refer to as M$. Friends and loved ones have since noted his considerably improved conversational skills, as he frequently interjects amusing pithy phrases about the use of IVR APIs for SMBs and the influence of MIPs and the FSB on OOP. Wife Wanda gushed, "He's been the life of the party ever since he came back from that convention!"

The Tattler Online

Welcome to the online edition of The Tattler. Your online Tattler experience can be even more appalling than the paper edition, due to your ability to find expanded coverage of the topics, more pictures, and plenty of evidence to refute claims made herein, courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Not only that, you can also satiate your masochistic tendencies by opening previous editions of The Tattler. And if this is not bad enough, you can immerse yourself in more pictures than you can shake a stick at by visiting the complete Dietrich website at

On the other hand, some readers find the paper edition more satisfying, due to its improved interaction with a match.

If you are not yet on the list to receive the paper edition, you can now remedy the situation (assuming we aren't too cheap to spring for a stamp for you) by clicking this link.