Youth Group Sent to Austria

Austria Sends Them Back

Lincoln orchestra conductor and counselor for deviant youth Bob Krueger took a group of Lincoln young people, which he facetiously calls the "Lincoln Youth Symphony," to various cities in Austria.

While there, Krueger tried to lose the group in the Castle in Salzberg, on mountain tops, and in concert halls. The resident Austrians weren't fooled, however, and kept rounding up the miscreant youths, eventually sending them back to their original homes in Lincoln, Nebraska.

“We had a blast,” crowed group member Sallie Dietrich. “I don't know why they made us come home.”

Obsession with Weapons Continues

Faithful readers of the Tattler will know that Sallie Dietrich has for years harbored an obsession with long, pointed weapons. Dietrich is a longtime participant in the stylized warfare known as “fencing.”

Her fencing team, Lincoln Fencing Club, has traveled to many cities, including Austin, Des Moines, and Sacramento to fence against other clubs from around the country. In one such tournament, held in Sioux City Iowa (see "Husband Jettisons Wife in Distant State," p. 1), the Lincoln group emerged victorious in all six events.

Dietrich intends to nurture her obsession when she attends college next fall, possibly at Brown University or Cornell.

Man Attempts to Disrupt Weddings

The Tattler has learned that Lincoln resident Larry Dietrich has joined a gang of hooligans who are believed to call themselves the Great Pains Cacophonous Windbags . The modus operandi of the group is to dress in black, sneak in the back door of churches and other public buildings armed with a variety of sound-producing devices, and to disrupt the proceedings by simultaneously “letting loose” with their noisemakers.

Although this reporter has yet to be invited in to any of these events, we can judge by the forced smiles on the faces of the participants as they emerge, that some extortion money was paid and the ceremonies proceeded. Local law enforcement is turning a blind eye to the practice.

Wanda in the Pit

Couple Confined to Pit

In an attempt to keep actors and musicians off the streets, Lincoln Parks and Recreation periodically sponsors large theatrical productions in the Pinewood Bowl amphitheater. Lincoln couple Wanda and Larry Dietrich were selected this fall for the “honor” of being confined to the Pinewood pit while actors stomped on the roof above their heads.

The perspective from the pit is entirely different from that of the audience. Besides being unable to see the proceedings on stage, the musicians are treated to such unique experiences as sharing the pit with insects, spiders and other creatures of the wild (not to mention other musicians).

During this year's production, Disney's Beauty and the Beast, the musicians' experiences included the rumble of huge rotating platforms above their heads as well as occasional peltings of sawdust, feathers, and an entire stuffed goose.

The Dietrich couple, ever the masochists, “Keep us in mind for next year!”

Mother, Daughter Write Terrible Novels

Minneapolis resident Elizabeth Dietrich, reacting to extreme cold and dark , took it upon herself to write an entire novel in thirty days. Not satisfied with keeping the madness to herself, she enlisted her boyfriend, Stephen, and mother, Wanda, to each attempt to write their own 50,000 word novels during the month of November.

"When I heard about National Novel Writing Month, I felt I had to do it," explained Dietrich, rubbing her wrists. "I just wanted to have someone who would understand the pressures that NaNo puts on an aspiring novelist."

Even Thanksgiving was not exempt from the novel writing insanity, with mother and daughter boasting of their word counts as of that day. All three, by the way, finished their "novels" by the end of the month, but were extremely reluctant to share the results. "It's not spell-checked" was the excuse used by Wanda.

Family members Larry and Sallie, neither of whom participated in the word-count madness, reported feeling abandoned during the month of November. "Thank goodness that's over." said a relieved Larry.

"Don't tell anyone, but we're already making plans our next novels. Maybe next year's books will even have plots!" whispered Elizabeth to this reporter as the interview was coming to a close.

The Tattler Online

Welcome to the online edition of The Tattler. Your online Tattler experience can be even more appalling than the paper edition, due to your ability to find expanded coverage of the topics, more pictures, and plenty of evidence to refute claims made herein, courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Not only that, you can also satiate your masochistic tendencies by opening previous editions of The Tattler. And if this is not bad enough, you can immerse yourself in more pictures than you can shake a stick at by visiting the complete Dietrich website at http://lincolndietrichs.org.

On the other hand, some readers find the paper edition more satisfying, due to its improved interaction with a match.

As we mentioned on page one, if you are not yet on the list to receive the paper edition, you can now remedy the situation (assuming we aren't too cheap to spring for a stamp for you) by clicking this link.