The Tattler

Commencement Deeply Meaningful for Participants

Carleton College bestowed multiple honors on graduate Elizabeth Dietrich during a June ceremony in Northfield, Minnesota.

Mother of the graduate, Wanda Dietrich, obviously moved by the ceremony, was asked by this reporter for a few words to express what it means to mark the culmination a young woman's intellectual achievement after a demanding college career. Dietrich responded, "Yippee!! One down, one to go!"

Local Man Takes Charge in Disaster Situation

Last spring, the Dietrich family returned home from an orchestra concert to find that half of their roof had been blown off in a storm. Head-of-Household Larry Dietrich, determined to take charge and face the problem head-on, rounded up the family and took them to a local Indian restaurant. The family enjoyed a lovely dinner until they judged the roof removal complete, then returned home.

Later that summer, guard-dachshund Monty spent some difficult weeks protecting the family from the crew of roofers who were stomping and pounding on the roof.

Teen Searches for Extra Dimension

Lincoln teenager and metaphysicist Sallie Dietrich has embarked on an ambitious study of time-space. She is determined to prove that, contrary to accepted models, a day is not limited to a mere twenty-four hours, but has an essentially unlimited expandibility in the time dimension.

Her methodology is to combine increasing numbers of simultaneous and consecutive activities. Over a period of time, she has added to her already full schedule, fencing, travel, detasselling, marching band, concert band, Lincoln Youth Symphony, a job (see related article, "Popcorn Professional," on page 2 of this paper), and Chemistry study groups. She has even been known to have a social life and a bit of sleep.

"Pretty soon I plan to add jazz band and soccer," she brags. "That'll turn cosmology on its ear! Stephen Hawking, explain this!"

Teen Abducts Parents, Leaves in Wilderness

No sooner did Lincoln teen Sallie Dietrich get her driver's license than she made an attempt to rid herself of her troublesome parents. Using a pair of bicycles dangling from the back of the family car as bait, she lured parents Wanda and Larry into the car, drove them many miles out of town, and abandoned them on the far side of the Platte River.

Thinking they were sufficiently far from home, she left her parents to their fate, chuckling to herself at her cleverness.

After a short but futile search for wild berries and herbs, Wanda and Larry mounted their bikes and followed country roads and abandoned railroad beds toward their home. Several hours and 37 miles later the somewhat bedraggled parents showed up at the front door, to the displeasure of the teen.

Wanda searches for food
"No nuts or berries here!"

"If we had remembered to leave a trail of crumbs, we would have gotten here sooner," said Larry.

Sallie is suspected to be devising a scheme to take them further afield next year, perhaps to Missouri or South Dakota.

A Message from the Editors

Greetings, Gentle Readers, and welcome to the fourth annual edition of The Tattler. Many of you would no doubt respond that this is four editions too many. Perhaps so, but each year we of the editorial board get that glint in our eyes, rub our hands together, roll up our sleeves, and attempt to concoct a mishmash of stories even more outrageous than the previous year's.

As many of you have noticed, all attempts to cancel subscriptions go unheeded. Instead, the circulation staff continues to find even more unsuspecting victims upon whom to foist this rag. You could say, then, that The Tattler is thriving in spite of itself and its writers.

We want you to know that your cards and letters, invariably more tasteful and informative than The Tattler, are always greatly appreciated. We love to hear from you, as you are in our thoughts throughout the year.

The staff wishes all our good readers a joyous holiday season and a wonderful new year.

Happy Holidays!