The Tattler Online

Welcome to the online edition of The Tattler. Here you will find features that are not available in the paper edition, namely links to expanded pictures and websites associated with the stories. You can also view previous editions of The Tattler by clicking here. And if this is not bad enough, you can immerse yourself in more pictures than you can shake a stick at by visiting the complete Dietrich website at http://lincolndietrichs.org.

Another one bites the dust

Adulthood Claims Another Victim

Local parents Larry and Wanda Dietrich, not content at seeing their elder hatchling, Elizabeth, successfully through her childhood and schooling, brutally thrust her into adulthood, saddling her with college debt, rent, insurance, and payments on her new Chevy Aveo. In order to deal with the cruel responsibilities, Elizabeth was forced to take a job at the University of Minnesota, researching growth of epithelial cells.

"People are treating me like I'm grown up or something" whined the 21-year old Elizabeth.

Yes, adulthood has claimed another victim. Elizabeth even spent her first Thanksgiving away from home.

The plucky young woman is making the best of the situation however, even managing to pretend she likes her job.

Matriarch Goes Mad

The Dietrich family was once again aghast at the antics of matriarch Wanda, who, early this summer bought herself a recumbent bicycle so long that the family had to decide whether the garage was to be used for the car or the bike.

"Holy Spumoni!" cried daughter Sallie at the sight of the steroid-pumped cycle.

"We're afraid that she's joined a cult. She always has a far-off look, and a big grin appears on her face when she gets on the bike. She rides that bike even when a car would be a better choice," said husband Larry.

Wanda could not be reached for comment.

Teen Becomes Popcorn Professional

Taking advantage of a new career opportunity that opened up with the construction of a large gazillion-screen theatre, Lincoln teen Sallie Dietrich has become a popcorn professional.

Her duties include smiling at unhappy customers, counting pennies for purchases, and, of course, making popcorn. When asked if she feels that she's found her lifetime career path, Dietrich replied "Probably not."

Stray Cat Finds Home, Punching Bag

A small calico kitten was found wandering near the Dietrich residence. Being the soft touches that they are, the Dietrich parents gave in to plaintive mews, daughter Sallie's sad eyes, and the cat's obvious need and they provided a home.

Monty, the family dog was not so sure. That cat looked like trouble to him, so he barked at her at every opportunity, in order to establish his masculine, canine dominance.

Things took a turn for the worse for Monty when the cat, now named Carmen, grew up a little bit and realized that she was bigger and tougher than the dog. Now she delights in lying in wait, then pouncing on him as he blunders by.

Carmen, it seems, has taken charge of the house. Monty, it seems, has decided that discretion is the better part of valor.

Man's Obsession with Playing Around Worsens

After a lifetime of being a devoted husband and father, Lincoln resident Larry Dietrich has taken on a new lifestyle. Dietrich, once reliably found every evening at home with his wife and daughters is now rarely home. He claims he is at rehearsals with a variety of musical groups in the area.

"I don't know," wife Wanda told this reporter, "he says he has a brass group, or maybe two, a woodwind quintet, a band and an orchestra. He almost never spends an evening at home. He seems so happy. This whole thing is starting to sound fishy to me."

When called to comment for this story, Dietrich would not come to the phone, claiming he was "practicing."