Wanda Dietrich recently announced that she was going to New York City in early November. Since Dietrich years ago had vowed to never go there again, the Tattler knew something was up, and sent our crack investigative reporters to look into the matter. Shockingly, it turns out that the purportedly happily-married woman has been in touch with an old flame from high school and had made plans to get reacquainted with him.
The devious woman had a sure-fire scheme to get her husband out of the way. Early in the morning of November First, she put him on the ferry bound for Staten Island, knowing full well that he would find himself among the fifty thousand participants in the New York City Marathon.
“Oh, he just can’t help himself,” she confided to this reporter. “If he sees a bunch of runners, he just joins in. I knew that making him run through all five boroughs of New York would leave me a few hours for plans of my own.”
Daughters Elizabeth and Sallie were not so easily fooled, however. Alarm bells began to clang when they noticed their mother’s even-more-smug-than-usual attitude, so they quickly booked flights to the city to attempt to save the marriage. They caught up with the woman and dragged her and her friend, Howard, from point to point along the course where the runners were going, in an effort to catch a glimpse of the clueless husband.
“It turned out that Howard really was just a fine friend,” confided Elizabeth when our intrepid reporter caught up with the family. “And he was really helpful finding the runners,” added Sallie. “We never would have guessed Mom had such a good friend.”
Larry Dietrich, oblivious to his wife’s machinations, just kept showing off the medal that he snagged when he had finished running.
Tattler has been following the two lovable mutts, Ash and Sage, since they have teamed up in an effort to train Wanda Dietrich. Dietrich, generally considered in the canine world to be untrainable, has finally begun to show promise. “We succeeded in increasing the treat level from her from ‘Occasional’ to ‘Frequent,’ bragged Sage. “That is a high standard for a well-trained human.”
“It’s not bad, but we really have a goal of ‘Continuous,’” added Ash, as he gazed at this reporter’s sandwich.
Asked to describe their training techniques, the pups told the Tattler, “It’s a real challenge getting her to understand what she is expected to do. We have to resort to spinning in circles, rolling over, standing on our hind legs, and a host of other tricks just to get her attention,” panted Ash.
“We even have to jump through hoops at times,” added Lady Dog Sage. “Putting on our adorable face also seems to motivate her quite a bit, too”
“It's a lot of fun, though,” added Ash, “Just seeing her eyes light up when she finally figures out what we are asking for is so satisfying.”
“I even enrolled her in an agility class,” said Sage “I figure that getting the old woman more agile has to be good. Maybe some treats will fall out of her pockets.”
When this reporter mentioned that those classes demand considerable agility of their canine participants, neither dog seemed concerned.
“That’s fine.” yawned Sage, “Classes are the best way for Wanda to show off what she's learning.”
“Yep,” yipped Ash. “And, hey, do you have any plans for the rest of that sandwich?”
Elizabeth Dietrich was recently given another two year sentence at a federal institution in Fort Collins, Colorado. She refers to the institution as the CDC, which the Tattler believes stands for Colorado Department of Corrections.
As related in past editions of this publication, she had been assigned work duties that required her to disassemble mosquitoes, looking for very unpleasant viruses. Her new assignment will have her working with relatively gigantic (and still unpleasant) bacteria. In her spare time, she seems to enjoy searching for statues of heroic dogs.
St. Paul, MN — On Sunday, October 4th, Larry Dietrich of Lincoln, NE was caught cutting the course short at the Twin Cities Marathon. The Tattler learned that Dietrich had lined up in downtown Minneapolis over an hour before the start of the race, and took off in the wrong direction, eventually cutting the total course short by approximately 16.2 miles.
“I credit running greats like Rosie Ruiz for my marathon success,” Larry gushed during his post-race interview. Not long after that, however, he noticed that the medal given to him at the finish seemed to only credit him for the 10 miles he did run. “The ribbon isn’t even the right color!” he exclaimed, visibly frustrated. He later learned that the race officials were on to him, and their electronic tracking equipment confirmed that he had run only ten miles.
Many years ago, on a calm and sunny summer day in 1998, the Dietrich family were on a little jaunt to Indian Cave State Park in southeastern Nebraska. Suddenly, they found themselves surrounded by swarms upon swarms of enormous red-eyed bugs. The terror was palpable as the screeching insects circled the heads of the hapless Dietrichs.
“It was horrible,” elder daughter Elizabeth Dietrich recalled with a shudder. “The buzzing...there were so many wings, wings everywhere. I kept a pair and framed them to remind myself of the horrors I’ve survived.”
Seventeen years later, for reasons unknown, the four Dietrichs and unsuspecting guest Stephen Crimmins returned to the general area of the first disaster, this time at Platte River State Park. Did they think their two dogs could provide protection? Once again, they were caught in a swarm of the terrifying insects, and and had to flee for their lives.
Wanda Dietrich wrung her hands as she recalled the incident. “It was my idea, you know? We were just trying to have a nice picnic. And then there they were...” she trailed off.
“They crawled out of the ground under our feet,” daughter Sallie added, wiping a tear away. When I looked down there were little holes all over the path we were walking on. They were all over the trees around us. And the stridulation. It was so loud. I can still hear them.”
Puppy Ash, on the other hand, recalled that “they wiggled and squirmed a lot in my mouth, but they weren't too bad, once you got used to them.”
The family stopped the interview at this point, requesting time to recover privately.
The Tattler's research staff informs us that the bugs were members of the species Magicicadium septendecula, or 17-year cicada, a harmless creature known for its shrill mating call and prolific numbers. The Dietrichs/Crimmins eventually escaped, but the trauma evidently remains strong. Will they have learned their lesson seventeen years from now?
The staff of the Tattler are pleased, but remain baffled as to your reasons for reading this rag, but as long as you keep subscribing, we will keep churning them out. Look at it this way: The subscription is free, the publication is ad-free, and it can be used to get that warm winter fire started in your fireplace, so it's not all bad. The ridiculous Dietrichs send their warmest wishes to accompany this fireplace tinder. Please stay in touch!
This Spring, hapless couple Wanda and Larry Dietrich tried to escape their responsibilities and spend a few days in secluded central Nebraska.
“We figured that nobody goes there, so it would be a good place to hide - I mean relax,” sighed Wanda.
“Yeah,” agreed Larry. “After all, there’s a reason they call it flyover country.” When the naive couple turned off the Interstate to get away from the traffic, they discovered just as many cars on the back roads, where people were driving back and forth, parking, walking along, and gawking at the sky and the fields alongside the road.
“We were trying to get away from people, but they were everywhere!” complained Larry. “We finally decided we could lose the crowd by taking a walk along the Platte River,” added Wanda, “but when we got to what should have been a peaceful place, there were crowds there, too. Lots of them were carrying cameras!”
“At first, we thought the paparazzi had discovered us! Then we saw that their cameras were just pointed at bunches of big old dumb birds. They were kind of like flamingos, except they weren't plastic...or pink.”
The ever-clueless couple remains to this day unaware that they were witnessing an amazing phenomenon of nature, the annual migration of the sandhill cranes. “At least they weren’t bugs,” Wanda said with a shudder.
Sallie Dietrich has another marathon under her belt, having completed the full 26.2 mile Twin Cities Marathon through Minneapolis and St. Paul. The diligence with which she approached the required months of training prior to the race leads us to believe that it may have been less odious than writing briefs. This race was, in a sense, on her home turf, as she had logged many miles here earlier, while she was attending law school. She finished the grueling race near the state capitol, crossing the finish line to the screams of her adoring fans.
Unfortunately, her marathon accomplishment was tainted when she learned of yet another scandal related to her father that occurred right under her nose (covered elsewhere in this publication).