Wanda jumped (or was she pushed?)
The
Tattler
2012
Wild Wanda Wanders through the West
During a family vacation to Washington state, Wanda Dietrich apparently had all she could take of family responsibilities and jumped out of the rented van near Chinook Pass. Fortunately, she happened to have her bicycle, 250 pounds of camping gear, and a credit card, so she began a solo journey, pedaling roughly southeastward. The 2,000 mile route took her across numerous high mountain passes, deserts, busy highways, and desolate trails, and forced her to fend off (continued, p. 4)
Mutant Makes Merry
Dietrich’s Doctorate Defies Darwin!
Dr. Elizabeth Dietrich, in spite of an upbringing marked by ineptitude, debauchery, and failure, has crawled out of that festering swamp and achieved the pinnacle of academic achievement in microbiology: a PhD (pronounced “fudd”). It remains to be seen whether this extraordinary mutation will “take”, but it is noteworthy that Dietrich’s doctoral research itself centered on evolution theory.*
Anonymous sources have provided TattlerLeaks with the news that Evil Elizabeth is now working in a secret lab in Fort Collins, Colorado. Our sources reported that she is getting her kicks ripping apart mosquitoes. When questioned, she claimed that she was hired by the CDC to perform the gruesome task, but as yet there is no evidence she is getting paid for her “work”. Most of us just slap mosquitoes without government assistance.
*See “Monkeys, Monkeys, and Even More Monkeys” Chart, Tattler 2010. The staff of the Tattler, sadly, have yet to understand anything about the dissertation other than the word “monkey.”
Gov't pays woman to mutilate mosquitoes!! Your tax dollars at work!
Wanda and Larry Dietrich are proud owners of an electric car, following assurances that they would not need to buy thousands of AA batteries or a 10000-foot extension cord. Warning: Now it is hard to hear them coming!
Classifieds
Legal Job Wanted! Young, enthusiastic soon-to-be attorney desperately seeking job in the Lincoln area. Salary negotiable, benefits negotiable (preferably including frequent trips to Europe and the use of company jet). Willing to do pretty much anything legal. Please hire me, I really need a job.
WANTED: Reliable, inexpensive car for young law student. Four tires and an engine preferred but not required. Will negotiate price, but assets are currently limited to baked goods, fetching smiles, and kind words.
For sale: Approximately five tons of law books. Gently used; colorful highlights and margin notes full of colorful language included free of charge. All subjects for sale except Constitutional Law, which is currently in use as an excellent doorstop. Seller not liable for any emotional distress these books may engender.
Another Drinking Debacle!
The Dietrich horde once again attempted to take on a patina of
respectability, but failed spectacularly. While in Washington
state, they thought they could pose as wine snobs and take a
tour of the Yakima Valley.
Whenever true wine aficionados encountered the Dietrichs, they could only gawk at the horrifying display of bacchanalian spirit. The hapless Phil Rapp and Stephen Crimmins, who had been dragged along by the determined Dietrichs, had to fend for themselves. Though the two men attempted to hide themselves in the corners of the tasting rooms, they were forced to imbibe as well. When interviewed afterwards, Crimmins stated “Never again! Although, I have to admit, the cider was pretty tasty.”
Wolf Chases Young Girl; Bystanders Cheer!
October 27, 2012. A hungry wolf was spotted chasing a sweet, innocent, blonde girl, Sallie Dietrich, through the streets of St. Paul, Minnesota. Shockingly, though thousands of bystanders were nearby during the entire 13.1 mile chase, not a single person made any attempt to rescue the child - and some even cheered the wolf on! Phillip Rapp and Wanda Dietrich were overheard shouting such things as “Go Larry!” and “Sic ‘em, boy!”
Although it was a close call, Sallie escaped the wolf with fractions of a second to spare. Surprisingly, tipsters have noted that the wolf, the girl, and the pair of cheering bystanders were seen together, devouring a large pasta dinner at Fat Lorenzo’s in South Minneapolis later that day.
Wild Wanda
(continued from p. 1)smoke, ash, and tire-eating demon nails from hell. She also had to deal with diner food, roach motels, and inquiries about her sanity. When asked whether her family approved of this odyssey, she responded, “Family? What family?” as she pedaled by. Tattler’s spies could generally find her hanging out with seedy characters in small town bars along her route.
Tattler tracked down members of Wanda’s family to ask them whether they approved of this madness, but they looked in the back of the van and expressed surprise that Wanda was no longer there. “So that's why the trip has been so quiet and relaxing!” daughter Elizabeth exclaimed.
WHAT DID THIS DIRTY DUO DO?
The outrageous behavior continues unabated! Our spy spotted muddy, filthy Larry and Sallie in a field northwest of Lincoln (his shirt used to be white!). They were seen wallowing in mud pits, crawling over walls, jumping over hay bales, and in general, acting like fools.
Larry Dietrich, in an opportunistic scheme to capitalize on the NFL referees strike, assembled a team of “qualified” substitutes. The scheme did not work as planned, however, as the entire group was promptly chased out of Omaha, Nebraska, and fled on foot all the way to Lincoln. Tattler's crack reporters point out that neither Omaha nor Lincoln hosts an NFL team.
Tattler in Turmoil
Faithful readers have been with The Tattler since its inception early in the 21st century, and have undoubtedly noticed that the format of the Tattler has changed this year. Competitive pressures seemingly forced the rag to modernize the layout in order to appeal to rising numbers of younger readers. “I think it displays a new aesthetic integrity,” purred editor Larry Dietrich. “Oh vomit,” countered editor Wanda Dietrich.