In Loving Memory

Frank R. Dietrich
January 4, 1914 - December 14, 2009

Christine D. Dietrich
June 15, 1915 - December 16, 2009

Dietrich women studying to become incomprehensible

Elizabeth and Sallie Dietrich, daughters of Wanda and Larry Dietrich, have both undertaken the pursuit of advanced degrees in Incomprehensibility, thus extending the accomplishments of their teen years to an astonishing level.

Elizabeth, for reasons known only to herself (and possibly her academic advisors), went to Gibraltar last year to collect monkey blood. After that trip, she began babbling incessantly about her findings, going so far as to have her “insights” about the Barbary Macaque published in a scientific journal.

“I don’t even understand the title,” complained her mother. “I think the language may have Greek or Latin roots, though,” she continued, as she doggedly turned the text this way and that. “I like the boxes and lines on her poster,” beamed her proud father. “It has nice colors, too. I think it would make a good board game. Just take out all those big words.”

Reached for comment by the Tattler, Elizabeth stated, “The unique phylogenetic position of this species allows us to state that the antiretroviral restriction factor evolved in the common ancestor of the Asian macaques after their divergence from M. sylvanus.”

Younger daughter Sallie, now attending the University of Minnesota, is also studying law, a field known for its arcane, impenetrable linguistic stylings, and incessant obfuscations. “She tells me that she is studying contract law, tortes and, um, crème? I have no idea whether she’s learning about law or cooking,” worried her mother. “I just hope it’s legal.” Sallie assured The Tattler that her studies are all about law, then offered the reporter dessert.

Pink Ribbons Banished

Wanda Dietrich, a woman whose checkered history includes wrangling horses, cattle, rattlesnakes, and children, recently declared that she doesn’t need any touchy-feely stuff in her fight against breast cancer. She reportedly said to one person, “I don't need any of those [expletive deleted] pink ribbons. I'm set to go to this awesome new spa.”

The Lincoln woman stubbornly insisted on riding her non-pink bicycle to her numerous treatments. “It was even more expensive than last year’s spa but they had an awesome tanning bed,” she said. “I fear I stayed in a bit long; they pretty much fried me.”

Dietrich is expected to make a complete recovery, despite the notable absence of pink ribbons.

Wilber, Nebraska

Proud Couple Returns from Czech Capital

Publicity mongers Wanda and Larry Dietrich bragged to The Tattler about a journey they took last year to the "Czech Capital." The Tattler was immediately skeptical, not only because the Dietrichs' dubious reputation had preceded them, but also because they claimed to have pedaled their bicycles the entire way. The truth later became evident, thanks to Tattle-Leaks.org.

Dietrichs applied their deluded thinking to the signs they encountered during their journey. Thus, they interpreted "Big Blue River" as "Moldau", "Gary's Bar and Grill" as "Prague Alehouse", and "Hotel Wilber" as "Prague Castle", and, for that matter, "Wilber, Nebraska" as "Prague, Czech Republic." Amazingly, the Dietrichs correctly interpreted "Vitáme Vás" as "Welcome." Fortunately for the geographically challenged Dietrichs, the hospitality of the good people of the city was unparalleled, and the naïve couple was indeed made welcome during their visit to the historic location. In the culinary realm, they had delicious kolaches and specialized meats, but the most exotic Czech food appeared to be the deep-fried pickles that were served with hamburgers at the quaint "alehouse." Dietrichs were given a lovely room in the "castle," and treated as royalty.

Further investigation into the couple's claims reveals that Wilber, Nebraska calls itself the Czech Capital of the USA, not the capital of the Czech Republic.

The years 2009 and 2010 have been challenging but rich years for the Dietrichs, as they have been for many of you. We want you to know how much we appreciate your friendship, love, and support. Please keep in touch; we hope to see you and hear from you often, and hope the year 2011 is rich, rewarding, and joyous for you.