Sallie Dietrich receives her diploma

Blanca Baby Makes Good - Graduates From Ivy League University

Against seemingly impossible odds, Sallie Dietrich, a former resident of tiny Blanca, Colorado, graduated from Cornell University in Ithaca, New York with a dual degree in French and Sociology.

Born to stone mason and dirt farmer parents, Sallie overcame her humble roots and extraordinary adversity in the high, frigid desert land of southern Colorado, and later as a homeless waif in Lincoln, Nebraska. While in Lincoln, she persevered in her efforts to polish her skills in academics, charm, grace, etiquette, and weaponry. She was eventually accepted into the hallowed halls of Cornell, where she studied wine among other things, and wielded her épée against students from the other Ivy League schools.

Asked about her accomplishments, Dietrich yawned, “Yeah, well, so?”

Attending the splendid commencement ceremony were her glowing mother Wanda Dietrich, proud father Larry and her doting sister Elizabeth with companion Stephen Crimmins.

Fashion Maven

Fashion Trendsetter?

Fashion maven Wanda Dietrich went a bit over the top in 2010, demanding that her husband and daughter shave her head so that her earrings would be visible. When it was suggested that being bald was not particularly fashionable, she responded, “That’s why this is going to be the year of the hat!” Indeed, she had already begun to buy hats before her head was shaved. Friends and relatives got into the spirit as well, contributing to Dietrich’s now-extensive hat and scarf collection.

“I really like the way my earrings pop now,” she drawled. “I have acquired a collection of really great headgear that complements my jewelry. I should have done this years ago.”

Recently, however, she has begun to complain that her head is cold. This winter air can be brutal, but my earrings are still showing. It’s worth it,” stated Dietrich, putting on yet another sweater.

Introduction

Welcome back, ever-faithful readers! The Tattler was on hiatus last year, but is back this year, in all its sensational(!) glory. How this rag has survived year after year must elude you as it does us, but perhaps the sensationalism is its secret. In any case, here it is again...the 2010 Tattler!

Thespian Experience

After a lifetime of musical performance and a year of dance experience, aspiring thespian couple, Wanda and Larry Dietrich attempted to run away from home and join a traveling troupe of actors. Thus it was that the couple found themselves on a train bound for nowhere in Fremont, NE, at tryouts for a period murder mystery. Although Larry failed to even qualify for an audition, Wanda landed the titillating role of Bridget O'Shaunessy, a young socialite of questionable reputation. Ignoring mutters of "typecasting" from the rest of the company, Dietrich threw herself into the role, amazing everyone with her audacious acting.

Fortunately, the play had a very short run, lasting only until the train came to a halt, back in Fremont.

Larry Dietrich, masking his bitterness at not being selected for a part, claimed to have enjoyed the evening. "At least I got a meal out of the deal," he muttered when asked about the experience.

"It was a fantastic opportunity, I really enjoy acting - and I'm good at it. I would like to thank my mother, my father, all my siblings, the producer, my dog Monty, my cat Carmen. . ."

Dietrich was still thanking people when this reporter left in order to file the story before deadline.

Dietrich Completes Marathon

Man Runs Marathons, Loses Shoes

Lincoln miscreant Larry Dietrich evidently anticipates the need to flee long distances. He has now participated twice in the Lincoln Marathon, and most recently finished squarely in 986th place. When asked by the Tattler about his running goals, Dietrich beamed, "Next year, 985th place, and eventually I'll work my way up to the gold medal!" The Tattler refrained from pointing out the mathematical weakness in Dietrich's plan.

An even stranger affectation has surfaced in the last several months: Dietrich has frequently been seen running out the front door wearing bizarre footwear, or sometimes with no footwear at all, warbling “I want to be free...”.

Dietrich’s wife Wanda has expressed concern over Larry’s habits, but stated, “As far as I can tell, he’s not doing anything illegal. They already caught the Barefoot Bandit, and it wasn’t him.” The Tattler will keep the readers informed as to whether there is a second Barefoot Bandit.

The Tattler Online

Welcome to the online edition of The Tattler. Your online Tattler experience can be even more appalling than the paper edition, due to your ability to find expanded coverage of the topics, more pictures, and plenty of evidence to refute claims made herein, courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Not only that, you can also satiate your masochistic tendencies by opening previous editions of The Tattler.

On the other hand, some readers find the paper edition more satisfying, due to its improved interaction with a match. If you are not yet on the list to receive the paper edition, you can now remedy the situation (assuming we aren't too cheap to spring for a stamp for you) by clicking this link.

By the way, you aren't finished. There's a whole 'nother page!