Daughter Tricks Mother

Forces Her Into Menial Job

Lincoln woman Wanda Dietrich received a call last February from her daughter, Cornell fencer Sallie Dietrich, informing her that members of the Cornell women's fencing team would be traveling to the NCAA fencing championships in Columbus Ohio; could her Mommy come? Wanda, though unaccustomed to travel, flew to the midwestern city, anticipating nothing more than a relaxing weekend with her daughter watching some controlled mayhem.

The first clue that an ulterior motive lurked behind the phone call was when the rental car company provided her with a vehicle which she described as "somewhat larger than the Titanic." It turned out that she had been lured into being the team bus driver for the duration of the tournament. This unpaid position was stressful for a woman who does not like to drive anything larger than a recumbent bicycle, and prefers to do so in areas with a population density of about two persons per square mile. She gamely accepted the job, however, and was permitted to relieve her stress occasionally by entering the tournament venue and trash talking the Harvard, Duke, and Air Force Academy coaches while cheering for Big Red (that's Cornell). "Next time, I'm bringing my bike!" was all the only comment the woman had for The Tattler.

New hobby or new career?

Lincoln hooligan Larry Dietrich has been placed under intense scrutiny by authorities since he began engaging in a number of suspicious, unexplained activities. "It started with a program of intense strength and fitness training, and went on to frequent long-distance running through the back alleys of town," commented an anonymous investigator. "He has been seen to run past certain banks, in fact, and all this coincided with the big economic collapse. Putting two and two together, it appears he may be hard up for cash, and is preparing to make a fast getaway," commented the source. "Why else would a man who up until now was known as a boring guy, a wimp, and the class weakling, suddenly become such a fitness freak?" Dietrich, when asked to comment, said only, "Gotta get two more miles in tonight!" as he jogged past. Surveillance continues.

Still More Debauchery

The uncontrollable Dietrich clan spreads out this Christmas: Sallie will be in Paris, Elizabeth and Stephen in Chicago, Larry in La Junta, Colorado, all while Wanda chooses to stays home and work at her job at Madonna Rehabilitation Hospital. The latter family member apparently has had all she can take of both family and of holiday pressures. Indeed, her only statement to The Tattler was, "Bah Humbug!"

As always, The Tattler greatly appreciates all its readers' cards and letters, and regrets that space and prudence do not permit publication of your comments.

We hope all is well with all our readers, and you remain in our hearts and thoughts throughout the year.

Best wishes to all from the Dietrichs for a healthy, joyous, and peaceful 2009!

Family Initiation Incomplete Success

A Solid Rider

The infamous Colorado Ruzanski Clan, after determining that Elizabeth Dietrich and Stephen Crimmins were indeed a couple, decided that it was high time for Mr. Crimmins' clan initiation. Crimmins had already passed his marksmanship test last Christmas, earning the sobriquet of "Deadeye" in the process. This time, he was required to demonstrate his horsemanship skills. The initiation was deemed a partial success, as Crimmins demonstrated remarkable proficiency on the animal. There was disagreement, among clan members, however, as to whether or not the test was valid, as the horse refused to buck.

Child Leaves the Nest - Then Leaves it Further

As loyal Tattler readers may remember, Sallie Dietrich, in an effort to escape from both parental oversight and the "dumpy little town" they live in, left Lincoln, Nebraska for the glamour and excitement of New York. She missed the mark a bit on her first effort, however, by moving to a town much smaller than Lincoln; she went to Ithaca, an idyllic town in upstate New York State. Not only was the town small, but she discovered in May that it was not sufficiently isolated when her parents found their way to Ithaca.

She outdid herself on her second effort: After applying herself to her studies of the French language, she made arrangements to participate in Cornell University's Study Abroad program in Paris. "It's on a different continent, they don't know the language, and it's one of the world's great cities. They'll never find me here." This time, Dietrich was correct. There are no reports of her mother or father having found their way to Paris. Tattler informants have reported that they have observed the woman participating in election-night debauchery in a Parisian bar, traveling through Pisa and Florence, Italy, challenging Parisians to fencing duels, jogging around the Eiffel Tower, and disrupting University classes with her American ideas and accent, all the while avoiding extradition.

Sallie Dietrich Has New Perspective on the World