The Tattler, December 2005

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Dietrich Hides Her Face

Boisterous Student Punished

Lincoln High Senior and class cut-up Sallie Dietrich was forced to kneel on the 50-yard line and play a solo for the band's Tropical Dreams field show this fall. Director Terry Rush stated, "Someone like that needs to be where I can keep a close eye on her."

Upon getting news of the embarrassment, relatives Willdra Ruzanski-Baker, Scott Ruzanski, and Vanette Benesch came from three states to taunt her and eat sugary snacks purchased at the concession stand.

A Message from the Editors

Greetings once again, Gentle Readers, and welcome to the fifth (!) annual edition of The Tattler. Many of you are no doubt wondering how many years this publication will survive. So are we.

Yet, year after year, the mail pours in, telling us that we have again outdone ourselves. “I thought I had seen it all last year, but this year's Tattler is even worse!” burbled one enthusiastic fan.

Less seasoned subscribers have thought (hoped) they were receiving a trial subscription, and by writing CANCEL across the page and returning it, they would be spared receiving future editions. No, dear readers, once a Tattlerite, always a Tattlerite!

Speaking of subscriptions, now, for the first time, you can subscribe on line! Why you would want to is a matter for another essay.

And so, we continue, killing trees and mangling grammar as freely as we mangle facts. Your cards and letters are always greatly appreciated, although we opt to not publish them in the Tattler. They tend to not meet our standards for inflammatory content. Nonetheless, we love to hear from you, as you are in our thoughts throughout the year.

The staff wishes all our good readers a joyous holiday season and a wonderful new year.

Man Goes Unpunished At Work

Larry Dietrich, programmer at LI-COR Biosciences, has somehow failed to get fired, in spite of ever more outrageous demands on the company's financial resources.

Dietrich began by insisting that the entire I.T. department be given new quarters in the new building. Then, he upped the ante by demanding that all the company's servers be replaced by the latest state-of-the-art equipment, and that a new room be built to house it all. When that failed to generate the desired uproar in upper management, he demanded that the company's entire network infrastructure be replaced.

“It's taking a lot of time and energy to deal with all this new stuff,” Dietrich whined. “I didn't expect them to call my bluff and approve it all. The only thing they haven't delivered yet are the plasma TV and the spa.” Dietrich may be waiting a while for the latter two items.

Dietrich, as yet unaware of what's in store

Husband Jettisons Wife in Distant State

Plot Unsuccessful

Nebraska resident Larry Dietrich, having taken all he could from his wife, Wanda, finally got fed up enough to abandon her one rainy spring day in a small town in Minnesota. He left her with only her beloved bicycle and a pair of superannuated* panniers filled with minimal clothing and provisions. He drove off without a second look.

"I just got tired of listening to her talk about how much she loves that bicycle, so I took her and the bike and let them enjoy each other for a while. I guess I snapped." said a defiant Dietrich. "How was I supposed to know that the weather was going to be so bad?"

Fortunately, the soggy victim was found several days later near Sioux City, Iowa. She appeared to be physically unharmed, although her babble about birds, burgers, and bike angels indicated a seriously altered mental state.

Tattler investigators are attempting to determine whether husband Larry had recently taken out large insurance policies on his wife.