Things were getting a bit too hot in Lincoln for scoundrel Larry Dietrich in June of this year, so Dietrich and his wife/abettor Wanda fled to South Dakota. They were joined in the town of Custer by accomplices Elizabeth Dietrich and Stephen Crimmins, and the group attempted to hole up there with relatives Mary and Charlie Myers and Dot and Jim Hoxeng. Unfortunately for the Dietrichs, the South Dakota family would have none of it, and sent the miscreants packing. The fugitive then reportedly took off on a 26 mile run over the Mickelson Trail, while the co-conspirators tried numerous ploys to evade the authorities, including hiding among the bison and prairie dogs in Custer State Park, and in holing up in Wind Cave. Reports now have them laying low back in their respective residences.
Prima donna Wanda Dietrich, in spite of having become the exemplar of a doting grandmother, was a bit put off to find that she constantly had to cede center stage to Baby Elliott, a very young child with an astonishing talent for capturing hoards of adoring fans wherever she goes. Although the Dietrich woman has developed a large bag of tricks for her repertoire over the years, they were proving inadequate in the face of the colossal cuteness of a one year old. Dietrich even tried dyeing her hair a shocking shade of electric blue, but if anyone noticed, they did not so much as mention it.
“It’s like with this adorable toddler around, I’ve become completely invisible!” she was allegedly heard to say. “Yeah yeah, she’s cute and all, but how can I compete with that? People are looking right past me, like I don’t exist. Hmm...”
Harkening back to earlier times when she decided to have various body parts replaced with modern plastic and metal contraptions, she recalled, “That got me a lot of attention, and some pretty amazing drugs as well!” Seizing on that thought, she focused on one of her shoulders, whining that it was getting too difficult to play her bass and to walk the dog.
Soon, a shiny new ball-and-socket joint was ordered, abundant drugs were injected, and the hardware was installed. Dietrich was observed to be much too loopy and happy to care or even know who was paying attention to whom for several weeks, so the issue abated for a time. Some time later, however, family members caught her scanning a news article suggesting that a head transplant may be feasible in the near future. The article was quickly snatched away.
Gentle readers, the dismay expressed in last year’s edition has come to fruition. The addition of a brand new member to the Dietrich/Rapp clan is wreaking havoc upon the world. Latest reports show that Elliott Rapp, daughter of Phillip Rapp and Sallie Dietrich, has commenced a reign of terror. Nothing is safe from her power and control; not the television remote, not her mother’s fork, and certainly not her father’s phone. This situation is so out of hand, in fact, that in May of this year, seven-month-old Elliott determined her abode was insufficient and demanded to move. The parents duly sold their house and moved across town, to a home where Elliott can much more easily keep her mother constantly in her line of sight and reorganize the pantry on a daily basis.
Unfortunately, the move made it more difficult for the rapidly growing tot to control doting grandparents, Larry and Wanda (hereinafter known and Grandad and Nonna), but she uses her toddler superpowers to make sure that there are frequent and lengthy visits between the two homes.
Our reporters caught up with father Phillip Rapp for a short interview. Rapp, shaking out a cramped hand and sighing as he wrote check after check to the mortgage company, the doctor, and the daycare facility, told the Tattler, “It seems like she’s happy for now, but I’m a bit concerned about finding my phone’s web browser pointed to a real estate site featuring castles for sale in Scotland.” The interview was then cut short, as Elliott realized she had not been held by a parent within the past fifteen seconds, and Rapp’s services were needed elsewhere.
When asked by the Tattler for her response to the allegations, Elliott obliged with “Oggie oggie ah- dah mamamaMAMAMAMAMAMA!” which roughly translates to “I control all that I survey and you are my servants.”
Dissatisfied with the time her people were devoting to diaper changing relative to time spent giving her belly rubs, area dog Sage relocated to a new home in the spring of this year, and now lives with known rogues and bandits Wanda and Larry Dietrich.
Sage has been working diligently on training her person Wanda to make silly gestures and give treats on command. “I am now a Certified People Trainer, now that Wanda has successfully performed her repertoire of twenty tricks in the presence of an official judge. The certification means that I have the letters TKN and TKI after my name, and Wanda seems to be quite proud of that.”
Meanwhile, Sage’s brother Ash has embraced his life of ease. “This is great! Since they tend to leave the king sized bed empty every day, I’m more than willing to guard it diligently!” We are unsurprised to note that Ash also seems to be colluding with the tiny human overlord referenced elsewhere in this issue.
Leaked conversations indicate that Ash and Elliott have made a deal, wherein Elliott throws all the food lovingly prepared by her parents onto the floor, and Ash cleans it up for her. Ash told the Tattler, between large mouthfuls of roasted gourmet vegetables and filet mignon, “This is the good life. Glad I don’t have to share it with Sage.”
Mad scientist Elizabeth Dietrich, after having lobbied her employer, the Centers for Disease Control, for a permanent job ANYWHERE BUT IN ATLANTA, finally landed a full time position at an infectious disease facility in Fort Collins, Colorado. The Tattler has ever since been receiving a steady stream of evidence-based hotel room and airport reviews sent from Arkansas, Minnesota, Virginia, and, mostly, Atlanta.
“This is great! I have been really seeing the country and working with interesting people all while helping to make people less vulnerable to disease. I do have some vague memories of the Colorado mountains. Interestingly enough, whenever I stop in at my home to re-pack, my cat Pluto plays the A Total Stranger Has Entered This Place game! I wonder what that’s all about,” Dietrich mused while hauling her suitcase through yet another airport.
Drawn to alcoholic beverages like flies to rotting meat, infamous lushes Wanda and Larry Dietrich first went to a large brewery in Fort Collins, Colorado and imbibed in all manner of brewed grain beverages, with the help of fellow sots Elizabeth Dietrich, Stephen Crimmins, Sallie Dietrich and Phillip Rapp. Later, in August, the pair made their way to Palisade, Colorado, again meeting with booze enablers Stephen Crimmins and Elizabeth Dietrich for a new bacchanalian extravaganza in the rich western slope wine country.
Sally and Susan Dietrich, sisters of the degenerate Larry, got wind of the plans, hurried to Palisade, and attempted an intervention, but found that controlling the excesses was far beyond their abilities. Their plan, in fact, backfired badly in that they brought along 21 year old nephew Skyler, whose innocence became a ready target for the crafty crew.
“We certainly saw Colorado in a way I had never anticipated,” Skyler told this reporter. “I now have a much better appreciation for wines than I once did. I’m not sure it’s fair that my mother has been warning me to stay away from those relatives.”
The dipsomaniacs did have foresight enough to bring home plenty of wine and mead to consume while writing, editing, and publishing this entire edition of the Tattler. “Quality control at its finesht!” bellowed Larry between gulps.
Erstwhile ballroom dancers Wanda and Larry Dietrich have put their hobby on hiatus, after their dance instructor of several years packed up, changed her career, and moved out of town, and local dance competitions stopped accepting their entries. “I can’t teach them a thing,” declared former instructor Bethany Asboe. Asked to comment on the quote, Larry Dietrich grinned and chortled, “I guess we’ve advanced to an astounding new level!” Other dancers in the area seem to be happy that the Dietrichs are no longer competing.
Hooray for the 2017 Tattler, right on schedule! Whose schedule, you ask? The Tattler’s, of course, where we are firm believers in the Twelve Days of Christmas, which extends our deadline to at least January 6. And, if our lazy reporters can’t make that deadline, you talk to them - we can’t seem to get good help around here. Anyway, you’ve got it in your hand now, and just in time to crumple it up, get that tinder ignited in your fireplace, and enjoy warm, quality time with family and friends. It’s our pleasure to make this small contribution to your holiday festivities, and to wish you and yours the happiest of holidays and a stellar new year.