The Tattler is thrilled to report that the Dietrich Clan has a new member. Clues surfaced when Sallie started to get somewhat snappish this summer. Further investigation confirmed the rumors of her pregnancy. On October 14, 2016, the world was presented with baby girl Elliott Elizabeth Rapp.
Grandparents Wanda and Larry Dietrich are adjusting well. Wanda has been seen spending hours acting as a living baby mattress for the contented child. Grandfather Larry seems downright thrilled. “Best grandbaby ever!! I’ve never been prouder than when she peed on my living room floor!” he gushed. “We can’t wait to teach her everything we know!” they both said in unison. Parents Sallie Dietrich and Phillip Rapp have been asking for occasional opportunities to hold the child, a request that is generally granted when the baby is squawking or her diaper needs changed.
Meanwhile, acquaintances of the Dietrichs have expressed horror at the prospect of an innocent babe being in the clutches of the notorious clan. “Imagine what she is being taught! Poor child! And woe to the world when she grows up and is able to extend their reach!”
We here at the Tattler can hardly wait to report on Elliott’s future exploits.
Shortly after last year’s Tattler went to press, one overly conscientious staffer realized that Phillip Rapp, the newest member of the Dietrich gang, had not been mentioned anywhere in the publication.
“No hard feelings,” Rapp said graciously. “You really needn’t worry about it. In fact, if you don’t mind, I would be pleased if you would leave me out of all future editions as well.”
The Tattler appreciates his understanding, and looks forward to copious reporting on him in the future.
Larry Dietrich, as we have learned from past editions of the Tattler, cannot be left to his own devices. One morning in May, while on a trip to visit his daughter Elizabeth in Fort Collins, Colorado, he arose early and set out on his own. Happening upon a bus marked “Poudre Canyon,” he thought a scenic tour would be a nice way to start his day. “Nobody else in the family gets up before 4:00 a.m. on a regular basis,” Dietrich complained. “They could have come with me if they were just a little more self-motivated.”
Dietrich failed, however, to ascertain certain important details, and learned much too late that he was on a one-way bus out of the city. He was dumped at the top of Poudre Canyon, in a heavy snowstorm, approximately 26 miles to the west of Fort Collins. Realizing that the only way back was on foot, he took off running. Meanwhile, family members Wanda, Elizabeth, Sallie, and Stephen frantically searched for him all over the city, clanging cowbells in the hope that some kind of homing instinct would bring him toward the sound.
An unnamed family member who had remained in Lincoln, told them not to worry. “As many breweries as there are in Fort Collins, Larry won’t stray too far.“ Sure enough, Dietrich was found a few hours later, wandering around the town square, beer glass in hand. “Someone with a microphone handed me this nice glass,” Dietrich explained, “but there’s no beer in it. Let’s head over to that pub.”
Fort Collins resident Elizabeth Dietrich was excited about the vacation she booked for herself this past summer. “I love travel, and any opportunity to explore new hiking trails is fine by me,” she gushed shortly before her departure. "I hope the weather is nice and cool!” Dietrich left for Atlanta, Georgia at the beginning of July, but upon her return in early August, seemed rather disillusioned. “Ugh, where to begin,” Dietrich moaned. “First of all, they stuck me in classrooms in the Centers for Disease Control headquarters all day long! Some vacation. Great, now I know everything there is to know about their outbreak control procedures. Geez, what a bummer of a trip. When I did get out of the classroom, my parka and gloves were useless and the only hiking trails I found were major thoroughfares,” she carped. “There wasn't even one good place to ice skate!” Perhaps in the future she would benefit from the advice of a good travel agent.
Wanda Dietrich, fed up with all things political, has enrolled her two grandpuppies, Ash and Sage, in courses at the local community college. “I honestly think they may be the best qualified candidates for any position. All we have to do is get them on the ballot,” said Dietrich with a smug grin. “I agree that Ash is a natural politician,” said an unnamed source and the dogs’ nominal owner, “but Sage seems to have some autocratic tendencies.”
Tattler’s independent pollster reports that while a significant portion of the electorate would vote for the dogs based on their looks alone, others are put off by the dogs’ sharp tone and fixation with FedEx trucks and doorbell sounds.
Flamboyant couple Wanda and Larry Dietrich are still under the delusion that they can dance. They were spotted this year on two different occasions attempting to tango in ballroom dance showcases. Sporting a dress of black satin with red sparkles, lacy tights, and bejeweled scarlet stilettos, Wanda purred, “I feel so SEXY!” when our intrepid Tattler reporter caught up with her. Husband Larry, on the other hand, was spotted wearing all black and attempting to hide in nearby curtains. He refused to comment for this article.
The professionals who were forced to observe the “dance” routines provided the kindest comments they could muster, and this reporter noted that neither Wanda nor Larry fell off the stage, which was better than expected.
Larry and Wanda Dietrich mysteriously received a pair of tickets last summer marked “USS Hornet, Alameda California.” Never lacking grandiose ambitions, they assumed that the tickets represented some kind of commission as commanders of the storied aircraft carrier. They first boarded a train in Nebraska (spurning more popular modes of transportation), and rode all the way to Alameda, dreaming and scheming.
Luckily, relatives Skyler Wright and Chris Miller became suspicious about the mad ambitions of the overconfident pair, and assembled a large family group that included Sally and Susan Dietrich, Lance Miller, Anika Miller, Huxley, Sarai and Rhyal Dunsany. “We seriously need an intervention!” Chris pleaded.
“Gee that thing is big,” Wanda was heard to whisper to her husband, as they drove up to where the Hornet was docked.” “Yeah, but we can handle it,” replied Larry. “How hard can it be? Just show me where the steering wheel is.”
Finally, the family group surrounded and gently informed the disappointed couple that a vessel of this size requires a trained crew of hundreds just to get it moving, and besides, the Hornet is now permanently docked in Alameda where it is in service as a museum. The Dietrichs reluctantly left, muttering to each other while they looked for other nefarious pursuits in the area.