The Tattler
SPECIAL WEDDING EDITION
Sallie and Phil

New Troublemaker Joins the Gang!

As announced in the 2013 Tattler, Sallie Dietrich successfully accomplished her mission to find a person meeting the stringent qualifications required for admittance to the Dietrich gang. Foremost among the requirements was the willingness to not only put up with all the Dietrich's tomfoolery, but to actively contribute to it. She found the perfect candidate in Phillip Rapp, a Lincoln resident whose antics could fill another publication such as the Tattler. Fortunately, no additional rag will be needed, because we are now keeping a close eye on both people and their two wild dogs. Rapp claims to write software, but by our observations, his favorite activity has to do with swinging sticks at hapless ice skaters. The induction ceremony was held October 4, before many shocked onlookers. Stay tuned for more on this couple in future editions.

Woman Gets Cosmetic Implants

In another pathetic bid for attention, Mother of the Bride Wanda Dietrich decided this summer to have both knees replaced with state-of-the-art plastic and rare metal doohickeys.

"I told them all that I was having trouble with my knees, but really, I just wanted to have the whole family try to be nice to me for a little while." the devious woman admitted. "I really liked the nice young man I had as a therapist, too," she said with a sigh.

The Tattler notes that Dietrich is walking a lot more like a human being, and she danced the night away at her daughter's wedding reception.


Horn Player Dietrich Spotted in Group of Incarcerated Musicians

Dietrichs Send their Best Wishes

In a rare, candid interview, members of the Dietrich family admitted to Tattler that our publication "sometimes gets it right" when printing news about the miscreants. "Well, not right by any means, but vaguely based on reality," one of them carped. "In any case, you could at least pass on our best regards to all our friends and relatives, who seem to like your horrendous publication." Tattler does wish all the best to our readers for a joyous Christmas and a fulfilling new year.

Dietrich Directs Cult Activity

The Tattler has caught cult leader Larry Dietrich in action leading some kind of weird ceremony at an undisclosed downtown Lincoln location. There was much noise and frolicking throughout the evening. Many unidentified persons appeared to have joined this new cult, presenting a worrying trend for the Tattler.

The group managed to stay under the radar of the police, despite their energetic cult rituals, a frightening fire ceremony, and extraordinary libations. "It's great having both the Dietrich and Rapp families together," a cult member was heard to exclaim. "This was more than the sum of its parts!"

Stick to Virology

The Tattler spotted subject Elizabeth Dietrich in a grand Petri dish in New Orleans among a large culture of microbiologists. They were purportedly there to study tropical diseases, but Dietrich wanted to try her skill as a paparazza. Problem #1: There was a notable lack of drunken rock singers and movie stars. Problem #2: Her only camera was a little cell phone. Problem #3: Some guy named Bill Gates kept babbling while she was trying to catch an interview. The best she could do was this fuzzy image of the talker. Don't apply for a job with the Tattler, dear.

Happy Holidays!

Another Escape Attempt Foiled

Lincoln resident Larry Dietrich reportedly hopped a train and traveled halfway across the country to Boston, MA in an attempt to escape some pursuers he could only describe to Tattler reporters as "Loud. Very, Very, Loud." Dietrich was dismayed upon his arrival to find said family had anticipated his escape and had already arrived at the very hotel where he was staying. "The next morning, I put on my running shoes and tried to sneak out before dawn. I'm a pretty good runner so I thought I could get away from them for good. But when I heard the cowbells after 22 miles, I knew it was all over." Video taken at that location shows wife Wanda Dietrich enthusiastically shaking what Tattler reporters believe to be the Liberty Bell while daughters Elizabeth and Sallie emit shrill screams at passersby. Onlookers were covering their ears and hiding their children.

Dietrich reportedly made it just over 26 miles before collapsing with exhaustion and succumbing to the company of his family. Daughter Elizabeth was asked to comment on the story, but found her voice had finally worn out, and a severe case of cowbell wrist prevented her from typing a response. Daughter Sallie merely held up a sign approximately the size of Rhode Island which read "Run 'til you can’t hear my cowbell!" (Larry: "I tried. I really, really tried.") When asked whether he plans to attempt another escape, Dietrich commented: "I don't think I'll try to get away to Boston again. For some reason the road I chose was awfully crowded, I think with other people trying to escape their families. I hear New York is nice in the fall, though."