The

Tattler

2013

True Love, True Fool, or Partner in Crime?

Career woman Sallie Dietrich shocked even jaded Tattler followers when she announced her engagement to Mr. Phillip Rapp of Lincoln. The two plan to get married in Lincoln in October of 2014. Rapp, when interviewed by the Tattler, professed to know everything he needs to know about his betrothed, and even has read all about the past scandalous behavior of the Dietrich family in previous editions of the Tattler. The Tattler fears that Rapp may fit in a bit too well.


Sallie Dietrich, J.D.

After far too many late nights studying obscure law stuff, innumerable calories of stress baking, and student loans up the wazoo, Sallie Dietrich finally received her J.D., which, according to Dietrich, stands for Just Don't Do It. She extended her studies over the following summer, to review and relearn what she had been taught in Minneapolis, then took the Nebraska bar exam. Fortunately for her, all those cookies seem to have done the trick. She is now a real attorney, with a real job, and everything. All parties near and dear to her have breathed a collective huge sigh of relief.


Woman Again Finds the Limelight

After several years of decreeing herself a recovering musician, musical dilettante Wanda Dietrich fell off the wagon and decided to return to her seat in the viola section of Lincoln Civic Orchestra. Unfortunately, that seat, and quite a few others, had been filled in her absence. “They are putting me in the very back where I can’t be seen!” she was heard to wail. “What’s the point, if you’re not in the limelight?”

She was up to the challenge, however, and came back the next week smiling and hauling an enormous string bass. “People will see me now.” she crowed. “I’ve even got my bar stool to sit on. I’ll be impossible to miss.” It is unknown what the rest of the orchestra thought, as they slipped away before this reporter could interview them. The audience for the first concert also beat a hasty retreat.


Gov't Grants Vacation to Researcher

Recognizing microbiologist Elizabeth Dietrich's outstanding contributions to mosquito research, the United States Government granted her a two week vacation. Indeed, the largess did not stop with Elizabeth, as the Government was moved to grant the unexpected vacation time to 800,000 other employees as well.

Parents Wanda and Larry were the first to jump at the chance to take away her freedom, insisting that she travel to Lincoln, NE and clean their house for them.

As she was scouring floors and cleaning the pantry, a considerable amount of grumbling about Congress could be heard. By the end of the two weeks, however, Dietrich seemed rather eager to return to work. “Check out these biceps!” she told our reporter. “Scouring floors is hard work! I’m glad to get back to Colorado — mosquitoes are much lighter than bookcases.”

Woman Seeks Companionship on the Interwebz

The latest caper of Wanda Dietrich entails opening her home to strange people from other parts of the world, including Finland, Canada, Korea, and remote parts of the U.S. She seems to require no credentials other than their mode of transportation being a bicycle. Daughter SVD was horrified to learn of this, and in a frantic effort to protect her parents from potential ax murderers, began insisting on interviewing the travelers upon their arrival. “So far, they have all been peculiar people,” she told this reporter nervously, “but none has exhibited any violent tendencies. I plan to keep a close eye on this.”


Tattler Welcomes Staff Attorney

The Tattler, due to the constant barrage of libel actions over its content, coerced engaged newly-minted attorney Sallie Dietrich to vigorously defend the publication against such claims. Anyone who has any concerns with the content of this publication (almost everyone, that is), may stick them where the sun don’t shine bring them to the attention of our legal department.

After reviewing the Tattler files, attorney Dietrich quickly sought other employment, and unfortunately for the Tattler, has taken a position with the Nebraska State Attorney General. She refuses to discuss her negotiations with the Tattler.


Sports

Crafty athlete Larry Dietrich has discovered the advantage of deferring athletic activity to an age at which most potential competitors have developed better sense. After spending most of his life in the role of wimpy nerd, Dietrich finally decided to show the world what he is made of by running in the Lincoln Marathon and in the process, qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Dietrich received numerous gold trophies for various Fastest Old Fart categories, but he evidently has chosen to not discuss the specifics of the awards.

As Larry Dietrich was attempting to turn back the clock by running the Lincoln Marathon, daughter Sallie was in Eau Claire, WI, barely finishing her first marathon. “That was easy!” she gasped when she crossed the finish line, her face red. Between panting and wheezing, our reporter believes to have heard heard Dietrich say “I’m signing up for Lincoln next year!” (We apologize for any inaccuracies in this report, as Dietrich was so drenched in sweat the reporter did not have any desire to get within several feet of the subject.)

Wanda Dietrich has taken up the cowbell as her contribution to the family’s athletic endeavors.

Another of Dietrich's Bizarre Capers (yes, he is in the photo, at left)

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