So, your Christmas decorations are put away, you have left your holiday thoughts behind and resumed your normal daily routine. You thought you have somehow avoided the Tattler this year. No such luck! Publication of the Tattler has been, er, rescheduled to early January so that our readers can start off the new year with a bang, so to speak. Some readers may indeed resort to explosives to deal with this annual travesty, but our editorial board applauds whatever creative approach you choose to take on this challenge.
Speaking of our editorial board, we have some exciting news with regard to the Tattler. The Murdoch media empire recently declined an opportunity to allocate a tiny fraction of their wealth toward the purchase of our fine publication. “We have standards of journalistic integrity to uphold,” stated a press release from James Murdoch. The Tattler responds that we have standards of our own.
We have noticed that some articles in previous editions made some unflattering assertions about the behavior of certain members of the Dietrich household. This will not be tolerated. The individuals responsible for those articles have been fired, and henceforth the Board is taking a direct role in the content of this publication. You will see that each and every story portrays the Dietrichs in an appropriately uplifting, positive light. Consider this our holiday gift to you, dear reader.
Emboldened by the whirlwind excitement of her recent debut as a published scientific author of multiple papers (entitled “Monkeys, More Monkeys, and Other Monkeys” and “Spit”), microbiologist Elizabeth Dietrich embarked this year upon an exciting new venture that required a test subject much larger than the viruses she has been accustomed to working with. Possibly due to having watched too many Japanese monster movies, Dietrich decided to attempt to create The Cat that Ate Seattle. Chortling as she gave the test subject a large dose of radioactive iodine-131, Dietrich reportedly said, “Small, you and I will soon control this city!”
Ongoing observation of the test subject, ironically named Small, has so far revealed no interesting effects aside from a greatly increased inclination to cuddle. Scientist Dietrich, on the other hand, has been forced to deal with vast quantities of hazardous, radioactive kitty litter and paper towels, keeping them below the radar of Homeland Security with a fabricated story about medical treatment for a thyroid condition.
Thus far, the city of Seattle is evidently unaware of its impending doom.
Former yokels Larry and Wanda Dietrich have undergone a miraculous transformation, and have suddenly become paragons of social grace, poise, and refinement. Resolved to cast off their former clumsiness, crudeness, and boorishness, they enrolled in ballroom dance classes, having managed to locate the World's Most Patient dance instructor. After months of strenuous lecture and drill, they have taken a new place in the social echelon of the community.
They have gone so far as to take to the ballroom floor at a competition in Omaha, Nebraska, where they stole the show with their Rumba and West Coast Swing in front of hundreds of aghast, er, amazed onlookers and several judges. Later in the year, they returned to Omaha to exhibit their prowess at a Ballroom Showcase with their cheeky, ahem, stylish rendition of West Coast Swing. Thus, it has been amply demonstrated that one can after all, make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. The Dietrichs are planning to decline the inevitable invitation to appear on Dancing with the Stars, as the television show is not up to their standards.
“Let someone else handle it” is the motto applied by Wanda Dietrich to holiday celebrations or anything else that could be remotely stressful. Thus it was that her daughter Sallie, struggling law student, found herself to be this year's Thanksgiving host. Wanda claimed that for her daughter, the experience of cooking and serving the year's biggest feast in her small apartment, with a tiny recalcitrant oven and paltry counter space, amidst studying for law school finals, would actually be a valuable supplement to her education. “Just think, if you can handle this, you can handle anything your law career can throw at you,” the elder Dietrich insisted.
Sallie was dubious of the advantages of tackling such a feat, but she was left no choice but to accept and host her parents along with a few friends. Sallie, the incipient lawyer, was not without a scheme of her own, however, because she reserved plenty of shopping and cooking duties for her mother. The Tattler is happy to report that despite the daunting challenges, the meal was a great success. When asked to comment, guest Phil Rapp commented, “I think I ate too much. I don't know how they got all that food prepared. May I have some more cake, now?“ Wanda was remarkably mellow as she enjoyed still more of the pumpkin liqueur.
The Tattler has observed several prior examples of the Dietrich philosophy of Avoidance of Work, including Christmas 2010 (too late for inclusion in last year's Tattler), which was forced upon the other daughter Elizabeth at her apartment in Seattle. That particular celebration was marked by the sampling of great deal of west coast wine.