"Empty Nesters" Go Wild

No longer under the watchful supervision of their children, Wanda and Larry Dietrich have taken on a life of wild abandon, coming and going whenever they please, ignoring societal norms, and being generally irresponsible. Children Elizabeth and Sallie, when contacted about the embarrassing behavior, threw up their hands. "We can't do anything with them!"

Cornell Education Prepares Student for Life

Cornell University Freshman Sallie Dietrich shares with Tattler readers the following survival vocabulary:

• Ithacating: what the weather does for weeks at a time; a misty drizzle
• Prelims: Ivy League version of midterms. See Chinese water torture.
• JAM: 1. a sticky, preserved fruit 2. the music dormitory, Just About Music
• Car: Instant Friend Machine
• Labor Day: Holiday not observed by Cornell University, host of the College of Industrial and Labor Relations
• "SIEVE SIEVE SIEVE SIEVE SIEVE": The opposing hockey team's goalie.

Sorry, Harley

Couple fancy themselves cycle gang

Lincoln resident Larry Dietrich has fallen under the spell of a long-wheelbase recumbent bicycle, or "chopper." He recently purchased his own bike, identical to that of his wife, and the two of them have been riding the trails about Lincoln in their attempts to spread envy and fear among the city's residents. Bemusement may better describe the general reaction. Friends and neighbors have kindly refrained from pointing out that real "Hawgs" have engines.

Man Attends Three Performances of Nutcracker

Misses show entirely

Dilettante and French hornist Larry Dietrich recently attended three performances of Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker ballet at Lincoln's Lied Center for the Performing Arts. Dietrich apparently entered a back door of the theater every time, which led to a seat under the stage facing the audience. Dietrich reports he was unable to see a single dancer: "There was a lot of music and a man waving his arms. Too bad a bunch of people were stomping their feet on the ceiling over my head." Wife Wanda and daughter Sallie later informed the confused man that there had been dancers and scenery in the performances.

"Cowboy" Larry

Man Sent to Texas for Remedial Training

Computer Geek Larry Dietrich was sent by his employer, LI-COR Biosciences, to the Dell factory in Austin, Texas, when his pace of work at LI-COR was judged to be too sluggish. It was thought that he might learn something by observing a place that builds 14,000 computers every day. Improvements in Dietrich's job performance are yet to be demonstrated, but he has taken to continually drawling, "Don't mess with Texas!"

A Message from the Editors

Greetings once again, Gentle and Gullible Readers! This is the sixth (!) annual edition of The Tattler. Can it be true?

Year after year we have managed to stay under the radar of the Postal Inspector, Homeland Security, and the Federal Grammar Police, and the Tattler keeps coming!

We have received numerous citations, but our legal staff has so far kept the authorities at bay.

Thank you for your continuing support of cheap tabloid journalism by refraining turning us in. As you know, canceling your subscription is not an option. Faithful subscribers like yourselves are all the motivators we need to keep churning it out.

Once again, we greatly appreciate your cards and letters. Your comments are much appreciated, although we generally find it prudent to not publish them! Nonetheless, you are in our thoughts throughout the year, and we are always glad to hear from you.

The Tattler Online

Welcome to the online edition of The Tattler. Your online Tattler experience can be even more appalling than the paper edition, due to your ability to find expanded coverage of the topics, more pictures, and plenty of evidence to refute claims made herein, courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Not only that, you can also satiate your masochistic tendencies by opening previous editions of The Tattler. And if this is not bad enough, you can immerse yourself in more pictures than you can shake a stick at by visiting the complete Dietrich website at http://lincolndietrichs.org.

On the other hand, some readers find the paper edition more satisfying, due to its improved interaction with a match.

If you are not yet on the list to receive the paper edition, you can now remedy the situation (assuming we aren't too cheap to spring for a stamp for you) by clicking this link.

We send all our best wishes for a joyous holiday season and a peaceful and prosperous new year!